My 85 year-old mother has been not eating and drinking much for almost a year now. Most days now, she only eats one tiny meal and about 12 to 24 oz. of beverages. She will ONLY drink soda (that's not the problem, though). I've been doing ANYTHING for this woman to keep her strength up and I've been buying her whatever she asks for, which is usually takeout. She will NOT eat home cooked meals. She will throw it in the trash. I am a good cook, so it's not that (lol). She'll have nothing to do with supplements and all of that. Dr. told me to give her anything she wants to eat at this point, just to get calories. She's not in the "danger zone" yet -- she still has to lose another 30 - 40 pounds before she gets underweight, but here's the thing: She's always asking for takeout food that is only sold in large portions, and usually they're costly. She will only eat things like pizza from her favorite local eatery (they don't sell by the slice), or bbq ribs, rotisserie chicken, Chinese, fried seafood, etc. It's getting so that she either thinks she wants them and won't eat them at all, or she'll eat just a tiny portion and the rest will entirely go to waste -- so I end up eating all the leftovers and I'm gaining a ton! Not even food I like! I tallied it up for last month, and she ordered $189 worth of takeout food. I'm gaining all the weight that she's losing. Now I KNOW that I'm completely going CRAZY. No one in their right mind orders that much takeout in a month. But that's what I've been doing, so she'll eat SOMETHING! I've been told that this is common end-of-life behavior to have no hunger or thirst. Please be kind and don't make fun of me or insult me.
BTW, why can't you freeze the leftovers for another day?
The reason I ask is that my cousin got really picky in the beginning of her dementia and she lost a lot of weight. She wouldn't touch my roast, mashed potatoes, green beans, rolls, etc., but she would only eat certain things like a hot dog, french fries, chicken leg, popsicles, and little cakes. Even then she would only eat a bite or two. I never understood it. Later, she got her appetite back as her condition progressed, though.
If she still has 30-40 pounds to lose to be underweight, I'd experiment a bit with not giving her everything she wants. If she has dementia, you're fighting a losing battle in the long run. How much weight has she lost in what timeframe? My mom is down to about 130 from her normal of 160 or so. She's 96 and her appetite has really declined. I don't live with her, but I've noticed that if I sit with her while she eats, she eats more. Because eating can be social. Maybe sit your mom at the table and put out your good homemade foods (that she used to like). If she skips a couple of meals, so be it, it won't kill her. Just keep her hydrated. If she gets hungry, she'll start eating. Again, if she has dementia, this isn't a good idea.
You could also see if her doc will prescribe an appetite stimulant. I tried to get that for my mom when she was down to 107 at one point and her doc refused. So I went over every day and made her a good breakfast and sat with her while she ate it. Once she started eating a bit more, her appetite came back and she didn't sleep as much. Now she's been 130ish for a couple of years and she's back to making her own breakfast and eating alone.
- That Mom isn't eating enough
- That there is too much wasted food
- That she can't afford the food she likes
- That you feel compelled to eat the leftovers
$189/month is about $6/day. If I could eat only restaurant food and average $6 a day I'd be thrilled. I probably spend that on restaurant food each month and have my regular grocery bill for homemade meals on top of that. I know hard-working men who spend $10 or more on fast food and other restaurant lunches every single work day, and often order pizza on the weekends. I'm not recommending this approach for health reasons, but it is common. It is not only people who aren't in their right minds who spend that much per month on restaurant food.
Of course, your Mom is not a construction worker burning up the calories! But you and her doctor do want to see her take in calories, and this is one way you can achieve that goal. Is the problem that she can't afford $6/day for food? What is her food budget?
As others have said, what about freezing the leftovers? Or just serving them in a couple of days? If cost is the issue, can Mom understand that? "Mom, we can't afford to buy another chicken dinner this week, but I'm saving half of this for you before you've even touched it and we'll re-heat it on Wednesday." I buy only full-size meals at restaurants (not the senior or child portions) so that I can get 2 or even 3 meals out of each. That is one way to stretch the dollar and avoid waste.
If Mom can afford the restaurant food, then I think the other concerns are within your control. Can't stand to see the waste? Prepare a nice plate for a neighbor. Or grit your teeth and throw it out, considering it a part of the cost of Mom's disease.
Remind yourself that you are not the garbage disposal and it is not your job to eat excessively just to see food used up.
I'd have a hard time throwing perfectly good food out, so I feel your discomfort. But I think I'd suck it up and keep buying Mom the food she thinks she likes, to the extent that she can afford it.
To folks that said to freeze leftovers. Gah! Leftover pizza! Not going there!
I'm in a unique situation (that yes I haven't used my NO! on) where my mom won't go down for evening meals. I've brought meals the caregivers can heat up in a minute since 2011. And I hear you OP. It's always been good homecooked stuff. She was really happy with that until about six months ago. Now everything I bring her is wrong. Pasta not good (constipating), rice she doesn't like, meat is not good, doesn't like fruit, soup is too hard, everything is Wrong or Bad. Geez.
Her mental decline is showing. At restaurants it is very difficult. She blames her arthritis in her hands for problems with eating, yet she still wants to go out to dine. She'll have maybe five bites.
I cut back to taking her out with my husband to once a week because I need to for my own sanity. I have lunch with her also on Wednesdays, call every single day and shop for her stuff and make meals for her about 5 hours more a week. Plus her laundry, paying bills, medical appointments, legal stuff, it never ends.
The food guilt, chuck it, unless it's a money concern. My neighbors would love the extra pizza while it's still fresh. My waistline wouldn't want it.
Which goes to illustrate than when it comes to food preferences, one size does not fit all. And when you add in diminished taste buds, interference from drugs, and maybe dementia is it any wonder our parents are hard to please?
The poster said to FREEZE delivered pizza. Who knows? Might be okay. Edible anyway.
I noticed she drinks a lot of soda in one day... that can dull her appetite as she is full of sweet tasting liquid. And at 85, is your Mom mobile, doing things around the house? If not, then she only needs a smaller meal [like kellse recommended above, order from the kid's menu].
But between the bland mush many ALF's serve up and the vile gloop, often at room temperature, that most high calorie boost drinks are like (I challenge you to drink one down without wanting to puke) I'm not surprised appetites vanish. I couldn't agree more than I do with Jeanne: as long as it's affordable serve your mother "a little of what she fancies." It's all about her enjoyment now, nothing else much matters.
Okay. I admit it. I would be tempted to try her on a cool mango lassi...
Churchmouse, I agree about the boost drinks... it's like drinking plastic :P My Mom would only drink it if it was served in a big cup of ice.
As far as the take out is concerned can you save what she does not want and freeze it? Also save the container it came in then when she requests same meal re present it. maybe she would'nt notice!!!!!!!!!!!! Ask other restaurants for a half portion explaining that it is for an elder who is no longer eating much.
As far as the soda drinks are concerned 24 oz is only 2 12oz cans and she has to drink something. My concern would be if they are caffeinated drinks which are not too good for the heart. Nothing can be done about the sugar if she won't drink anything else. It is probably not a good idea to substitute artificial sweeteners as they have their own dangers and she will probably notice the difference.
My FIL in his late eighties while frying up egg, sausage and fried bread remarked that he knew the risks but at his age he felt it really did not matter what he died from.
Just here to understand part of the dilemma, and to be kind to you.
In the midst of living the caregiving role, all knowledge and experience can fly out the window, along with our common sense. Even though the caregiver has answered questions for others, when this day comes it may be hard to box our own way out of a paper bag. That is because it is hapening to you, and in addition, you are faced also with the impending loss of your loved one. So there is support for you, and a reminder to take care of your own needs.
That is why I am in favor of the idea to freeze the food portions for yourself,
If that is what you want to eat, but less of it.
Hang in there! Check back anytime.
But then he is Raymond Blanc, and I am me, and I guarantee that if I do that it will take half an hour and leaves me with a kitchen to clear up. Still, it's true. If you want to eat both well and cheaply, you have to cook it yourself.