Mom passed away 2 days ago. This hole is so huge, I don’t know how to move forward. Any advice?

My sympathy goes out to you. We all know how utterly painful it is when you lose a loved one. The grief you are feeling after losing your mother will be with you for a very long time, but with time the pain will ease. The way I overcame the sudden death of my mother and heartbreak of losing her was to focus on the happy times and memories I have had with her when she was alive instead of focusing on her death and that’s what helped me through my grief. I urge you to focus only on the happy times and memories of your mother and do not dwell too much on her death and what you should have done. Your mother is in a far better place and you don’t need to worry about her anymore.

My mom passed 8 years ago. Still miss her. Very sorry for your loss. You are an amazing daughter. She will always be there in your heart.

Grief Sharing is a wonderful place to find support and care
from many in the group experiencing loss.

It is a nationwide nondenominational organization. It is faith based.

Helped me so much when I lost my brother early in his life shortly
after our dear mom passed.

God Bless you with the Sweet Memories.

So sorry for your loss. As my Mom's son and full-time caregiver for over four years, I was devastated when she passed in January at age 93. I knew some day I would lose her, but these past few months have been very tough, as I miss the daily routine of getting her up in the morning and putting her to bed at night.

Adding to the situation, I was forced to look for paid employment at a time when most my age are starting to retire. Through a miracle, I found a job. The pay is not the greatest, but at this point, who am I to complain.

What get's me through each day is that I can see and hear Mom on my cell phone. I made it a point to make sure she went to get her hair done each month. Last summer, I started making a short cell phone video after each visit. I would then save the video to the computer so she could see it on a bigger screen. I have the last one, made two weeks before her death, still on my cell phone. Each day before I go to work, I watch it. Seeing her smile and hearing her say "Absolutely" when I asked her if she enjoyed getting her hair done, makes me very happy. I also have her photo on my office desk.

May the memories of your Mom sustain you in the weeks ahead. Never forget her. Never stop speaking to her. Never stop speaking of her.

Asiandaughter my deepest sympathies. I know how hard this journey is. The care giving part and then the letting go and saying good bye part.

You will get through this. It may not seem like it right now but you are stronger than you think. I used to always think before my mom died that her death would kill me too, but here I am seven years later. Give yourself as much time as you need. There are resources out there too if you feel you can't do it on your own.

Keep posting on here. This forum has been invaluable to me before my mom died and even now. So many on here have been where you are now and have yet to get there.

Take care!

AsianDaughter, I am so sorry. My deepest sympathies and condolences.

My mother passed away nearly a year ago. She was 85. Unexpected. I couldn't even be by her side in her final hours. She passed away around midnight.

Reading your post made me emotional. I know exactly how you feel. I feel the same way. I too wish I had maximized every moment...

Religion helped me cope with it. I've had visions of mother. Even communicated with her spirit. I know she's in a much better place. But I still miss her. The sweet smile on her face. All the hugs I used to give her... I still get emotional.

It takes time.

Remember that the depth of your sorrow simply mirrors the great expanse of the joy and the love that you shared with your mom. There will come a time that you reflect more on the love and joy, more on your good fortune to have had such a truly wonderful mom. You have been blessed. Your mother gave you everything you need to see this through. What would she tell you to do? Do it.

I am sorry you are in this horrible place called grief. I'm in the same place. I totally agree with your comment about maximizing every moment when she was here. I, too, did the best I could and I know she was happy to be able to stay in her own home. However, what I can't let go of is those holes where I feel like I wasn't in the moment with her at all times and it's like unhealing open wounds. I can't even figure out where I'm supposed to be. I want to go to my own home after all these years, but it doesn't really feel like home when I'm there. Being at her house is familiar and 'her', but then I feel torn about not being at my own house. I'm not sure how you (or I) figure out the moving forward thing. Perhaps moving forward is nothing but one day changing into another. I hope that you do find some peace that works for you. I hope that I do, too.

You are not alone (in so many ways). I lost my father when I was 18 and have taken care of my mother in my house for the past 18 years. People/Caregivers who have deep hearts are very Special people. I do Believe they are with us and we will see them again some day. Your mother would want you to take care of yourself. But of course, we grieve...
You and your mother are in my heart and prayers...
❤️😇🕊🌹

I know exactly how you feel. My 85 year old precious mother left this Earth last April and it still feels like I'm walking around without an arm or leg. I'm not happy with it but I would not bring her back in the shape that she was in. She had dementia for over 2 years, did not recognize my dad or myself some days, and her body was just worn out. The only thing that I can tell you, which helped me deal with her death, was that it was God's plan. There was nothing that I could do about it because God is in charge. I don't like that she's gone, I think it's unfair, and some days it doesn't even feel real, but I talk to her everyday just like she was here and I feel like she's still with me. It's true that time helps so please hang in there and just tell yourself it's God's plan and there's nothing in the world that we can do about it. You WILL see her again one day and it will be a joyous day.

Hello, I understand and feel what you are saying. My 82 yr old Mother had a heart attack in Jan 22, she also had multiple morbidities but she was of her right mind and still able to do somethings for herself after the heart attack I was told with the copd and pulmonary hypertension that she would be gone in six months. I did not want to listen and sent her for rehab first , I wanted to try and give her a chance however slim to rebound. After the heart attack she cognitively declined so rapidly it was unbelievable. She did not rebound. I lost my Mother on 5/26/22, I feel like a piece of my heart is gone. I am also the last person left in my immediate family unit and I am single and childless, this is such a big blow, the person who loved me unconditionally and was my cheerleader. We talked or saw each other every day as I was also her caregiver. The first of May she really started to decline and I finally accepted that I did not want anymore suffering and talked again with the doctor and put her in hospice. she was having problems swallowing and was in a dementia state and in pain as her body was giving up. It was so hard, the hardest thing ever. I was also upset because I was unable to take care of her anymore and she was in a nursing center and not home with me because I could not lift or move her or change her anymore. I am sad that she was not with me. But I was there everyday and was there almost when she took her last breath. I decided it was really getting upsetting for me and I left and went and sat in my car, and they called me 15 minutes later and told me she was gone. The funeral and burial was last week and I am just a little numb right now, feeling that I wish I had some real time to deal with this major loss. My job only gives 3 days for bereavement and I took those and 1 personal day. Not enough. I send you my prayers.

I am going through something similar. I lost a friend who was like a Mother to me, in some respects, eight days ago. I helped take care of her, her dogs, and helped with getting her house more livable for eight years. I now spend a couple of hours each day at her house going through her things dividing them to give to other family, friends, and goodwill. I cried a lot the first five days, now it makes me feel sad. I feel like I am intruding on her life as I see pictures of her wearing the very clothes I am donating. She saved her clothing for 50 years. She was very stylish. I went through pictures, cosmetics, perfumes, and jewelry the past two days. It’s best for me to dive in and clean out a little each day and keep some things for myself. I have been cleaning out paperwork and preparing for her services as well. She had just a few close friends at the end and no family. My husband’s Mother who passed in 2008 and she were best friends. Cry when you need to. Try to find happiness in your heart when remembering the good times. It will get easier. I agree with getting support in others or a therapist. Your family doctors staff can be a good place to share your feelings. Write thank you letters to those people who knew her. Also, you need to take breaks from it all and do what makes you happy outside of your relationship with your Mom. Get away to the beach for a little vacation. It will help ease the pain for a bit and help you find your balance and inner peace and strength. Speak with a Pastor. Know that your Mom is not suffering and in her heavenly body, free from pain. Continue to talk to her. Maybe get some medication to help you through the process. Try to view her death as a new beginning for her. Sending hugs and prayers through this journey. It will get easier-just keep working at it and don’t give up. Know that you are not alone in how you feel.

I am so very sorry for your loss. Be kind to yourself and give yourself plenty of time. I have found that no matter what we have done for our loved ones and no matter how good of a job we have done, we always beat ourselves up and second guess ourselves. "If only", "I wish", and then the should have/could have/would have play in our heads in a loop.
You did your very best and I am sure your mom was very happy. Remember that grief has no timeline- we all grieve in our own way and as long as it takes. Reflect on all of the happy memories when you are ready. She will always be in your heart.

I am so terribly sorry for your loss. I am fearing the very same way you feel now as my mother is quite ill. I am interested in reading all these answers from those who have experienced this type of loss. Prayers to you for strength and guidance.

Dear Asian Daughter,
I am crying as I read your post. I cry every day. It's been a little over a year and a half for me since I lost Mommy. In many ways it feels like it was yesterday and other times it feels like its been forever because I want to see her so badly. I think I have finally heard of someone who is as close to their Mother as I am to mine.....You. For me it doesnt get any easier with each passing day. I am lost and broken without her. She was and is my everything. There has never been and never will be anyone in my life who loved me and cared about me like she does. And my feelings towards her as exactly the same. It's so very hard being in the house alone......I know.
I miss her smile and her laughter and her voice and her cute funny ways. I miss everything about her. Mommy and I were always so very happy being together. It's like the best thing that ever happened to me has been torn away.....never to return.
I wish I could give you some words of wisdom but there are no words at a time like this.
I can however recomend a book that held my interest when nothing else could.
I think you should get it. It is not the normal "you will go over this" book. It is written by a woman who has also lost her mother. You can get it on amazon. It is called.....Healing after the loss of your Mother. by Elaine Mallon. I have another one to recommend too if you want.
Please feel free to contact me if you need to talk. I am a good listener.
All I can say is "I am so very sorry.....I truly know what you are going through.
Gloria

AsianDaughter: I am so sorry for your loss and send deepest condolences. Take one day at a time.

Oh my dear, i lost my mother almost 2 years ago and have had such a difficult time moving forward. Her room is still pretty much the way she left it that morning when i sent her to the hospital alone because of COVID, although that's not what she had, only to die alone a few hours later. My heart still hurts. But I'll tell you the same thing everyone told me. You did your job. She lived a good long life, got to see her great great granddaughter. She isn't in pain anymore. All these things said to me did comfort me, but i still miss her. That will never go away. I have memories of her that live on, and that will never go away either, as long as I live. Take comfort in friends and family, and in your memories. These are the things that help with moving forward, even when it's difficult to do so. My heart goes out to you.

I feel the depth of your grief in my heart, Let me share some things that helped me through the darkest days. Writing saved me. I poured out my grief on paper. That bought me an hour of freedom from the agony of sorrow. When the sorrow started to return, I picked up my pen again. The hours of freedom from sorrow became longer. For two weeks I could go four hours between the times I picked up my pen to write. I hope this might help you. Here is a wonderful organization that started in my town, Langley Washington and is now a global offering. I am sending you the page on circles of grief. https://healingcirclesglobal.org/grief/

I'm so sorry for your loss! My mom passed away 2 days after Christmas this past year. We were best friends since I was old enough to know how close we were as well as my daughter. I never thought in a million years how much her passing caused me so much anxiety, sleep deprivation and loss for a mom who was always so close to me, even though she had a severe hoarding mental illness. I lived with her for 15 yrs., after 3 divorces I went through and this pain was far worse than I could ever imagine. I cared for her in our rental apt., and she lost 2 other apt's she owned do to her illness. Soon it will be 6 months that she's been gone and I still cry. My 2 brother's are no help to me at all and never call me to ask how I'm doing as I continue clearing out all the things she saved, which breaks my heart. I feel so lost at times, but so grateful my daughter always calls me. Take baby steps each day and pray like I do for spiritual healing. After 3 months I started sleeping a little bit better, but still struggle. My heart breaks for you and everyone that has to go through this healing process. I'm getting to the point now to reach out to hospice for some counseling help. The church I went to nearby was not enough help for me. God bless you sweetie and remember everyone grieves differently. xoxo

Please, please, please find a grief support group in your area. like GriefShare since the members are all well-acquainted with loss. Check local churches for grief support groups nearby. I try to focus on loving memories and knowing my loved one would want me to move forward into each day with a sense of wonder and joy.

My deepest condolences. I envy you the relationship you had with your mom.

You'll be able to move on enduring some rough patches but you'll find more and more peace as day pass because, if your mom did her job right, for quite a while you'll hear her quiet voice in your mind as you do your daily living and you'll find pleasure in this.

You may be reminded or recognize her style in the way you fold the towels or perhaps that she folded the towels first before other laundry items.

You'll set the table for one less person, that'll be a little stab but then you'll think about how perhaps she was quirky about something to do with the table setting or her way of serving a meal, and you may even think how annoying it was that she did things in reverse order than you would've but you'll smile because she was so wonderfully unique and authentic.

You'll hear a piece of music and you will feel nostalgic, happy and sad. So lucky are you to have known her, and how rich she made you.

What did she teach you to cook? Who of your relatives did she giggle about? What was her favorite show, actor or singer. These memorable and useful gifts will be reliable tonics for those rainy days in your heart. She gave you memories. What a great mom. What a great inheritance.

Forward - In time, in years to come, unexpectedly you may be surprised by one of her until then forgotten gifts of a loving heart swelling memory, and then a second sweet surpise, you won't cry but instead be warmly uplifted. This is how we honor our beloved. This is what they must have from you.

Warmest regards.

Find a grief counselor even if you just go for a few hours .

My heart goes out to you. My Mom passed away 7 weeks ago at 99 1/2. Watching the decline was excruciatingly painful but knowing we made it as joyful and pain free has given us peace of mind.
To help heal and memorialize Mom’s life, I’m putting a photo/ scrapbook of her life so I have something tangible to go to. I also plan on making a patchwork quilt from her colorful tops. My daughter’s bought an electronic picture frame (Aura frame) and we load pictures via the APP. Every time i go into the room another photo is on the screen and I find myself saying “Hi Mom”…..it’s a huge void for us.

There’s a lovely quote from Oscar Hammerstein’s show Carousel….
.”as long as there’s one person on Earth that remembers you, it isn’t over.”
Actor Mandy Patinkin referenced this in an interview…. it resonated with me.

This touched me so deeply. It has changed my attitude toward my mother. Instead of resenting her I will "maximize. every moment". I think I'm going to print out what you wrote.

This community is great and I see many have good suggestions.

My condolences to you and your family💕
Just know grief is real it grabs ahold of us even as we try to shake free but, it is a given in life and acceptance is the cure. So grieve my friend however long your mind, body and emotions need too. Just stand there in every happy, sad, joyful, heartbreaking, uplifting, even nerve wracking event… those are the memories we will “never” forget until our last breath. We must endure every moment of them because they once existed and now not so much( not in the same way now that she’s crossed over)
Your emotions will flow in ways hard to imagine and yes it’s tough ( to me this is the “ letting go” process). Does it get easier? The answer is yes! But only in time, no matter how long or short only time allows us to “make room” for the loss of your mother whom was once present.
Sending prayers for comfort❤️❤️❤️ Be well and find your peace!

Honor her by living the life she wants you to live, not one in grief and unhappiness.

Dear Asian Daughter,
I understand your grief and sense of being un-moored. My 91 year old husband died in Sept. 2021 after over 5 years of ill health and Alzheimer's. I am 90 and was his 24/7 caretaker with some help from our son. Even tho' I knew he was deteriorating and that I would eventually lose him, the end was sort of sudden, and I was not prepared for the enormous wave of grief I felt. I was grateful that I managed to care for him at home until just 4 days before he died in a wonderful hospice facility. Then, just two weeks later, our son, who had been my constant companion, helper and security blanket died suddenly in his sleep.
I was flattened with grief, and nine months later, I am still struggling while on two parallel but additive grief paths. Relief doesn't come quickly.
Those of us who have been consumed with care-giving for years, suddenly find our reason for being is yanked away. Your daily routines, so carefully built over the years based on the needs of our loved ones, are suddenly not needed.

Friends and relatives all want to help and will say unbelievable things to you, some of which are helpful and many which are actually pain-inducing. Just try to remember the spirit of love in which their comments are offered, and accept them as such.

I found it helpful to just let my grief out when needed, and the slightest thing will trigger it. Don't suppress it, and try to outrun it. We just have to go through it.
I prayed when I had to go out that I would not see someone I knew who would seek to comfort me, because my control was so fragile at first. The awful pain does subside into a sort of chronic ache in your heart, and you will eventually be able to remember you mom with love, and not so much pain.

I found it helpful to force myself out of bed, to get dressed, comb my hair, and go about some sort of daily routine even tho' it was mostly rote. The first few days after a death you are drug along with funeral preparations, etc., and tending to all the details involved. Then comes the task of settling the LO estate etc. Actually, this is sort of a blessing because it demands that you have something to focus on and to get you out of bed.

The intense grief and pain you are experiencing now will abate a little in time (not quickly) and hopefully you can move on to more acceptance. Be comforted that you had such a wonderful relationship with you mom, and that you were able to provide her such good care in her journey. Let your faith whatever it is, comfort you.

Finally, I hope you will eventually find a new focus for your life to honor our mom.
You are not alone
Blessings

When we love deeply, we grieve deeply.

Please don't accept false guilt about anything that you may not have done perfectly. Doing so will only ruin your present and future.

None of us maximize every moment of being with a loved one. We are all frail human beings.

However, you've done what most people cannot or will not do - you gave your mother loving care all the way until the end. For that, she was blessed and you will be blessed.

Sending heartfelt sympathies in the loss of your mother.

I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my mom on May 1st I lived with her and took care of her for 14 years. She died in the hospital, and she shouldn’t of have died.
I cry everyday. I protected and loved and cared for her here in the home and she died in the care of others who truly didn’t care.
I know exactly how you feel, I’m trying to accept her not being here and it is very difficult. I look at her picture and cry.
Stay strong think of all the good times and her smile as you said. In time I do hope that it will get easier.
Take Care

Oh I am so sorry for your loss which you express so well.! Please understand, IT IS ONLY 2 DAYS! You are clearly heartbroken. Everyone grieves differently but it definitely takes time and you need to allow yourself to feel whatever you feel. The loss of a Mom throws us back to feeling like a small child lost in the grocery store-abandoned. I would like to recommend listening to Being a Compassionate Companion by Frank Ostaseski- disc 2 On Grief. It is still available on CD on Amazon. Actually, I would recommend this to anyone on this platform. Do whatever you need- weat her clothes or hold them close so you feel her near and “smell her”. Just cuddle in a ball under a blanket and let yourself cry. It is such a shock that maybe you can’t even cry but maybe a sad movie will help. Write. Write down your feelings. Write you memories. Nobody can feel what you feel right now so write compassionately to yourself. Eat. Eat Mom foods or dairy products like ice cream (mother’s milk). If you are still immobile a year from now you may need antidepressants but don’t rush to take medication since it will just block the healthy need to grieve. Seek out friends who LISTEN or can just be with you. I am so sorry you are in such pain.