Mom passed the day after we returned home to regroup. The day after her youngest grandchild's bday.
Now it's time for funeral arrangements, searching her home for insurance policy papers and if she left a will. But my oldest brother has changed the locks to the door and will not give us a key.
He plans to move his family in.
I am to the point of not having much family when this is all over 😭
I just wanted to say that I'm glad this chapter of your life is behind you now b/c I know how hard it's been for you. I admire the strength you've shown in this matter, and I hope that your grandmother comes around to treating you with respect again.
Wishing you all the best.
After the funeral, I would see a lawyer about brother. He may need a letter sent explaining how probate works. If he contests in any way, it could take years to close Probate.
Someone needs to at least get a short-certificate from Probate to handle any outstanding debts and handle the bank etc. Be aware that insurance policies usually name a beneficiary. This means that the money goes to them and they do not have to use it to pay bills or funeral costs.
Did mom have a lawyer you can contact?
A best friend who might know the name of that lawyer?
((((Hugs)))))
Suggestions, not legal advice.
May The Lord give you grieving mercies, strength, and wisdom during this difficult time, may HE open the hearts of your family to do the right things and to honor your mom and her memory by not making this more difficult.
The lawyer is needed, and should make it clear that this is temporary, but there may not be a need to get him and his family out immediately. It could make for an easier compromise.
You are all stressed at the moment, and I send you my sympathy for your loss, and my best wishes for things to improve. Yours, Margaret
Changing locks is not that stupid a thing to do. In the last days of life at home, it can be like living in a railway station. People come and go all the time, doors are open, spare keys places are known, and keys can be taken away to cut duplicates. Carers know what’s worth having, their partners make plans.
We had something similar when MIL went into the NH. A visitor who knew all about her talked their way past the desk as a family member, but MIL didn’t recognise him. He asked to look at her diamond ring, took it off her finger and left. We came to the conclusion that it was probably the partner of one of the carers.
Clearly there isn’t much trust here, but perhaps don’t assume the worst. Brother might even be looking forward to replying to the lawyer's letter you've paid for, to say that he's done all the right things.
Such a tragic place to be in with family while we are all mourning mom's loss.
Then if the brother DOES has a will he will cough that up soon enough.
Ask the funeral place if the brother has made any arrangements and if so, to ask on what authority he did so.
As there is not an occupied house as yet I would, with your siblings, enter this house and go through it when brother is at work. (I am saying I would, not that you SHOULD). I would do that and if someone came I would say my parent died unexpectedly and I was checking for a will or any papers extant.
You don't say how many siblings there are, but you do indicate one is quite nefarious. You are going to have to prevent his becoming administrator of this estate without a will as he surely is now tring to work some pretty bad deals. It is a mess when a parent dies without taking care of these things. I wish you luck. You DO NEED an attorney's guidance. Forums are full of folks who will tell you anything (hee hee, such as breaking locks on a door).
Good luck. Hope you'll update us.
Basically SOMEONE is going to have to speak to this brother who reading further down I now see lived almost next door to your parent. What is the problem that has caused such animosity with the brother? Has he been doing most of the care of the Mom? If so, he surely may have been the POA and may now be the executor of any will. He surely is behaving as though he is.
2. If a will has to be filed, contact the county clerk's and ask if there is a will filed under your mother's name. If so, ask how to get a copy; it'll cost but will be necessary.
3. If neither provides a copy, one thing to consider is, with each sibling signing, send a certified letter to your oldest brother inquiring (a) under what authority he has locked everyone out, and (b) why he is apparently acting w/o any legal authority, and (c) ask (demand?) a copy of the will be provided and (d) ask why he hasn't complied with statutory authority and filed the will.
4. If in fact there is no will, your mother has died "intestate". How the will and assets will be handled would be governed by intestacy laws of your state. You can do an online search for your state's intestacy laws. You might have to search a few hits to get good information. I've found the best info is from legal sites, either Findlaw or Nolo, or a law firm's site.
I echo Alva's suggestion to ask one of funeral directors about a will, assuming that your brother has also appointed himself for this aspect as well.
If you do contact an attorney, inquire if he/she or the firm handles contested estate matters. Not all attorneys in that practice area will become involved with litigated estates.
It's unfortunate that your brother is behaving in such an inappropriate manner, especially after your mother dies. I'm sorry to learn of her passing, and hope that you find resources here to help you and your siblings work through this sad event.
And sorrier for the fact you have (like so many of us!) a sibling who takes over without really having the power to do so. Ugh.
For the time being, yes, talk to a lawyer. Try to get the other sibs together and be one cohesive unit. It won't be easy, these things never seem to be when everyone has a different 'take' on what should happen.
Try to stay calm and remember that this too shall pass---and hopefully you will have some salvageable relationships when this is all put to bed.
I, too, have a YB who 'runs the show' and I KNOW when mom passes he's going to pull that same stunt. Mom lives with him, and he had the locks changed on their house years and years ago. For a while, about 5 years ago, I had to call ahead to make an appt to see mother, the relationship was so strained. I stayed calm and just rolled with it and he calmed down.
When you have some legal power on your side, you'll see some results. Perhaps brother did the 'new locks' thing to simply make an empty house not be empty--and who knows who has keys? That wasn't a bad idea, and even controlling who can go in and out--also not a bad idea, just seems a little petty if it was done to keep FAMILY out.
I wish you luck and hopefully a peaceful outcome.
You mentioned brother and his wife lived down the street in a home. By any chance was your brother doing all of the work? It's hard after a death even when things are on good terms.
But, oftentimes, the one who is doing all the work is tired. If he is down the street more than likely he did a lot of the caregiving work and was always on call.
In some families there are the "Johnny Come Lately's. I am not insinuating this is true for you. They show up at the last mile and I agree changing the locks is the right thing to do. Any place that I have ever lived in, this is the policy. I actually saw a neighbor pass and 10 minutes later his brother-in-law shows up and walks out the door with the deceased one's golf clubs. His wife saying take this now before they change the locks. I kid you not.
Everyone is tired after a death--if you can keep the door open. It sounds like your brother may have had a lot of the responsibility considering his close proximity.
He's probably tired and has had it...something to consider.
This is a clear example of why it is important to discuss end of life issues with parents, so that there will be no questions when the time comes.
At the end of each year, my Mom and I would go over her important documents: Will, POA, Health Care Proxy, Life Insurance, and Obituary, to discuss any changes. I would then prepare a sheet with the date we did so, and we both would sign it. It gave us peace of mind. The last time was right after Christmas 2021. When I read her Obituary to her again, she commented, "Did I do all that in my life?" I replied, "You bet!" As her son and full-time caregiver, I also was her POA, Health Care Proxy, and Executor.
When she passed in January 2022 at age 93, I was ready to get things moving. Even the funeral director was shocked at my organization. After her funeral, I had all the documents ready to sit down with our Attorney to close the estate. I do have siblings who were not involved whatsoever. They did come to the service at the funeral home, but luckily, gave me no grief afterwards.
As others have noted, please discuss this situation with an attorney.
Please, please listen…seek wise council from a attorney. Unfortunately, I have a similar situation. Your attorney will help you through the process and will hold EVERYONE accountable. It will allow you to grieve and the attorney does the rest. Bless you.
my family is estranged. It’s business now.
sad.. I know.. it’s complicated.
take care of yourself!
Ask him. If he really plans to lock everyone out just so he can take over the property, it's time to get an attorney. If there's a will, all the assets will be designated. If no will, you need an atty for the probate and to get brother notified that nothing moves, sells, etc.
I had an issue with sibling not giving me answers, walking away when I asked legit questions, ignoring me, and even trying to turn my mom against me while she was dying. Throwing a huge fit bc I asked a nurse a question. She didn't want me to know about my mom's medical issues. So thought she would embarrass me in front of the nurse to silence me. Wrong. I kept asking questions. So I did know about my mom's medical issues.
Your brother has no right to take over the home. He might have stolen the will, or said there is none, hoping he can do what he wants.
You cannot argue or waste time on this! He has told you he plans to steal it. Right in your face. You need help now.
I waited to long after my mom passed. I knew shenanigans were happening, but I did not know anything. My gut was screaming at me to do something, but I hesitated. Do not hesitate! My lawyer said if you had come to me right away we could have gotten to the bottom of it. But I got there in time after dad passed. You need to do something immediately. He's probably removed all the valuables so you can't get it. Maybe cleaned out bank accounts. At least with a lawyer you will get something rather than nothing. Get a lawyer now!!! My sibling lied about everything. Even lied in court. So you need to act on this. I waited to long. Do not wait. You will regret it. I regret waiting along as I did.
of his kids. That was two years ago.
As my mom never changed the locks and my sister and this husband lived with her about 18 years ago, I feel like I have an obligation to the other beneficiaries to make sure things don’t just disappear since the estate needs to be divided evenly.
I am currently her POA for Healthcare and Finance. Once she passes I will become trustee of her living trust and executor of her will. It might help to find out if your brother is operating in any official capacity.
if your brother is executor, it is his legal fiduciary duty to safeguard the property of the estate. That includes changing the locks (it does not include moving in forever—but for some estates, cleaning, distributing, discarding and selling the property can take a long time).
I stayed in my parents’ house while completing this task and doing so is not only allowable and appropriate, nothing else would have been manageable, since my parents did not live in my area. It was a very difficult job. Often I would work from the crack of dawn until being overcome with exhaustion. The unraveling of my parents’ lives was overwhelming, back breaking and emotional. I was not working in a job at the time, but if I had been, this task would have been even more destructive to me and my family. Even packing up an efficiency apartment can be a physically challenging and tearful task.
My parents chose me for this job, so I fulfilled their request. If, however, someone else would have been chosen, I would have gladly stepped aside (or stepped in to help where needed, if requested). I really wish they would have chosen someone else! (Count your blessings if you are not in charge of this seemingly never-ending and emotionally excruciating job).
Go and help. It is a huge job. Helping may make you feel closer to your surviving family members. (If you are not willing or able to help…. don’t complain about those who are actually doing the work).
No amount of items and/or money, are worth destroying a family. Even if you have no relationship (or no interest in continuing a relationship) with this brother, initiating legal proceedings or aligning family against him will also destroy you.
Whether it is the blue bowl on the dining room table, or the dining room table itself that you want, let the executor know of your request. Remain flexible and understand that you may not be able to get everything you desire.
When I asked people what they wanted, I heard crickets. I was frustrated because I needed this information to proceed. Later they began to fight over things. How aggravating! In accordance with the laws of my parents’ residential state, any disputes over a physical item were resolvable with a toss of the coin. Fortunately, these family members were able to compromise over the “stuff” and we never had to resort to tossing the coin.
If it’s material objects you seek, you can find endless memorabilia on eBay. Even if those plates aren’t specifically your grandmother’s very own plates, but merely the same china pattern, such a substitute may fill a hole in your heart.
Nothing can replace your parents. Honor them. As a parent myself, I’m guessing your parents wouldn’t want their kids squabbling over minutiae.
After all, money and things should never be more important than people.
And you might want to get a title lock so no one can steal the title to the house and put it in their name.
Why would no one know where the will is? Who was her poa? That should have been found months ago. It might be in a po box.
Sometimes the person doing the caretaking decides they should be entitled to everything bc they sacrificed. Wrong. Doesn't work that way.
Is your brother poa? He might have thought changing the locks was a way to secure the assets. If he is executor then he is technically doing the right thing. Your supposed to secure assets 1st thing. Might not be doing anything wrong there.
Even if he moves in day 3 after the funeral; if it is not in the will, he has no rights to do that. And he must buy you out, or sell the house. And Id make him pay rent if he lives there. He's not getting a free property. There are laws.
Make sure you get her accounts locked down first thing and don't forget the pension if she had one. Or any other benefits. Notify them. They will also not tell you what money is in the account. I think they legally have to stay quiet about that. My sibling did not tell the banks my dad passed, and I found out he was still getting a pension for several yrs!!! I called and told them to close it. They were in shock as much as I was.
And I probably got someone fired at the bank, bc it is a person's actual job there, to scour national newspapers to find death notices, and lock down accounts. I found that out from my lawyer. And when I went to the bank with the proper paper work to reopen the account, the bank manager was ticked off. She and another associate were making several phone calls because the account had been open all that time.
So even with a lawyer you will still have to do a lot of detective work. They don't know anything, but what you tell them. So there is a lot you might have to dig and find out, and be a detective. Your gut instinct is never wrong. I should have listened to mine.
If there is no will, you have to go to court and claim there is none. Id get there first with your lawyer. It looks better. The court decides who will be Administrator. The word Executor means there is a will. The word Administrator signals to the court/lawyers there was no will. I kept saying I was executor, and my lawyer corrected me, and said I must use that word, not executor.
AND if there is a will and he is executor, you are entitled to answers. Not just silence while he (may, we dont know) pilfer the property. That is why you need a lawyer. He can't hide things then. I am still regretting not getting a lawyer sooner, bc I felt like I was destroying the family. No I wasn't my sibling did that. I found out my sibling not only resented me, but hates me. That had been simmering for decades. She wanted to make sure I got absolutely nothing. So getting a lawyer was the best thing I did. I destroyed nothing. There was no family there to destroy. It was gone with the death of the parent. But now at least I am getting something, rather than nothing, and I also get answers. I could not get them before. I am over feeling guilty. Do not feel guilty. You must stand up for yourself. If you know shady things are going on, your brother declared war on you, not by you. G.luck
In the interim, Id also make a list of items that may not be included in the will. I always thought wills were like on tv. They listed, a diamond engagement ring, the couch, tea set etc. No they don't. They might just say my children get 50/50 of my assets and nothing more. So if someone stole the china and tea set, what asset was that? It's not listed in the will. Prove it was ever there. Good luck if its stolen. Investment portfolios or bank accounts are not listed either. Not in my case.
Get a list together while it is fresh in your head. It will give the lawyer some leverage. They will have to come to court and bring tho
If your mom had no will and did not say who would get the home (in writing) your brother would have to Probate to change the deed, if would want to sell.
Also, if mom had any outstanding debts, creditors have a certain time to file to be paid, which would hold up things until they are satisifed.
An estate planning attorney may give you more insight into this situation, especially if mom died intestate. If brother is supposed to be splitting everything equally, then some sort of "cease and desist" order may be needed to start the process equitably. If you keep just to facts, according to the laws in her state, then you should be able to complete the task without animosity.
We had a "big brother" issue who assumed he was in charge of everything: we had to get an attorney to send him a letter that described the intestate laws..........he changed his behavior right away.
My oldest sister is mad at me because I caught her stealing money from my parents.., so she hid a lot of stuff from me.
I talked to my dad after mom passed and he keeps information away from me too. My sister poisoned his mind.
yet, my mom and dad created a living trust before she died.
my lawyer told me to stay focus on myself and when dad passes.. we will look at the trust and contest if necessary.
my family dynamics are horrible!
at the end of the day.. I control myself.. give to God to handle the rest!