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My mother is 87, is on water pills, incontinent, has CHF and has limited mobility. I do her baths, dressing, all meals, all cleaning and all I want is to use the bathroom. We only have one bathroom.


Mom gets plenty of “me time” and lords over the TV. I don’t even bother to ask about my programs and watch TV on my phone.


My problem is her bathroom time. She spends 1 hour to urinate, each time,, and then 2.5 hours in there after getting washed up, lotion applied by me, and changing her into to pjs. She isn’t constipated. She like to hang out and day dream, go through drawers, hum songs and basically goof around. I’ve had to treat my own bladder infections from holding urine too long, or relieve myself in a garbage bag like some half-human house gnome. It’s even harder for me to schedule a shower for myself. I can go 2-4 days waiting to bathe. This isn’t fair or liveable. Nothing I say will coax Mom out of the bathroom. She’s always been like this but it’s worse. Since we got a commode with arm rests, it’s like my bodily functions don’t matter and I have to get in and out ASAP.


Mom doesn’t have hemorrhoids or constipation. Her water pills only affect her up to lunch time. It feels like she doesn’t understand that I need a bathroom too, and could care less. My kind complaints to her are ignored. It keeps me up until 3am.


How on earth do I fix this? We can’t even have company over. If we do have relatives drop by, she talks to them from her porcelain throne, pants and pull-ups around her ankles. It’s madness. I’m stuck in my bedroom counting the minutes to pee, and wondering if I can get in a 15 shower.


Is anyone else going through this? How do I fix it? We have no room for a second bathroom. Just room enough for one incredibly inconsiderate parent.

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Get mom a commode for her bedroom and lock the bathroom door.

A very wise poster here says that caregiving all works if it works for all concerned in the effort. This no longer works for your family.

Find your mom a good facility.
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NeedHelpWithMom Jun 2021
Great suggestion! I had one of those for my mom. She used it at night so she wouldn’t have to go down the hall.

The plastic liner bags that I ordered on Amazon helped make clean up easier.
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Another option might be to use a commode yourself. If it’s only urine, emptying it won’t be very unpleasant, and at least it should stop you getting bladder infections. Of course it’s totally unreasonable, and it doesn’t cope with shower time etc, but it might be a practical step.

Alternatively you could say that doctor’s orders are for you to improve your hygiene and frequency of urination. If mother won’t help to make this happen, she will need to live somewhere else. That sounds like a good idea to start on anyway – totally inappropriate behavior with visitors, lording it over the TV, ignoring your obvious needs, all suggest that she should no longer be living with you. And it’s likely to get worse, not better, unless you make the changes now.

Forget the 'kind complaint'. It hasn't worked, and she isn't being kind to you. Put it to her that she changes or she needs to move. Start taking her around to AL or SL – that should make it seem real!
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You've agreed to be a slave in your own home, 'all day, every day, with no vacays' admittedly. My question is why? Who does that? Your mother is not a queen and you are not her unpaid servant who should be urinating in garbage bags and suffering from UTIs. You don't 'have to' do ANYTHING, you are choosing to do all of these things, for some odd reason.

Your mother's selfish behavior is beyond anything I've ever heard of which makes me question if she's suffering from dementia? What mother is willing to see her daughter suffer to THIS degree while they languish in the bathroom for hours daydreaming and humming? Not to mention talking to relatives from the toilet bowl? This is not normal behavior by any stretch of the imagination.

You should NOT have to get a commode for yourself so your mother can continue this absurd behavior. She either plays by some new rules or she finds other living arrangements, like a nursing home or Assisted Living. Sorry/not sorry mom, this is how we live now if you want to keep this as your address. Put a lock on the bathroom door and a timer on the counter in there. 15 minutes a pop, period. No excuses. You both have one bathroom between you to share.

The end.

It's not okay to put up with one incredibly inconsiderate parent anymore. Enough is enough.
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Geeeeeez! Sounds almost unbearable to me! You are selfless, but how long can you realistically do this? How long have you been living like this?

Do you think it is time for mom to go into a facility? You have to be completely miserable 😩.

Call Council on Aging in your area for an assessment of her needs. They will help you decide what is best.

Best wishes to you and your mom.
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Please understand from reactions here how out-of-control this situation is. If you have one bathroom, then she needs to go elsewhere.

You are a prisoner in your own home.
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I don't think a commode will do the trick. Seems Mom has a fixation concerning the bathroom. All I can see doing is putting a lock on the bathroom door. Knowing she pees until noon, then thats her time. After that the door is locked.

Is there nowhere in your house that you can put a toilet and a sink. You can get small ones that fit anywhere like a closet. Really, my powder room only holds a toilet and a small vanity. Maybe one of those toilets they use in campers or on camping trips.
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funkygrandma59 Jun 2021
I think because of moms fixation on the only bathroom, is all the more reason to get her out of it, and make her use the bedside commode next to her chair or bed, as that will be the only way to break her of this odd fixation. Hopefully then she will fixate on something else, less important, and it will allow her daughter to be able to use once again the bathroom.
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well I don;t know how close you are to your mom,, but honestly if I had to pee and mom was " hang out and day dream, " I would just go in and pee! And probably take that shower too! If she could care less, she may not even notice you are there! I know some of us need the privacy ( My DD used to skip out of school to go to the bathroom at a friends) but you NEED the bathroom! She may not understand that you need the bathroom, and she probably does not know how much time she hogs it. Good luck with this!
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I would knock on the bathroom door tell her “Excuse me, I have got to go to the bathroom now" tell her she needs to exit so you can use the toilet. It is ridiculous to think you are getting bladder infections / UTI all because she is hogging the bathroom. Now, if she is going to the bathroom 20 to 25 times daily then your mother has OCD. My mother was doing this plus wanting to check my mailbox daily 7 to 12 times constantly all throughout the day. Finally, I took her to the doctor regarding this continuous behavior of the bathroom & obsession with my Mailbox. The doctor prescribed Sertraline within a couple of days it all stopped! It made my job so much easier to care for my mom. Take your mom to the doctor.
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We have 1 bathroom in our house and my Mom can spend a long time (not as long as your Mom) in the bathroom. I bought a commode for myself so I don't bother her. Works great!
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Take care of you first !
your mom is declining , behavioral unsound…

the visitor situation , change it , if she won’t be appropriate, then explain to visitor that it’s not a good time to visit. Maybe after a few times of this and explain to her why , maybe she will change…doubtful though.

are you able to physically guide her out? You need to find a way to coerce her out.
last option:
get the bedside commode for her , if she won’t use it , you have to decide what you will do next …
or you can use the bedside commode , but you have a toilet for a reason.
i would start looking at AL for future planning…
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