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My 96 year old mother was recently diagnosed with dementia. She lives with my sister and I visit every week. Mom knows who I am when I visit but after a few hours she starts talking to me as if I am her cousin. When I try to tell her I am her daughter, she doesn't believe me and says that I am trying to confuse her. If I go along with her and let her believe I am her cousin, she talks to me about things that happened when they were young and asks me questions that I can't answer. Then she becomes agitated that I don't remember these events from her past.

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I think you're right in just going along with her when she thinks you're someone else. There's no point in forcing the issue when someone has dementia. We have to crawl into their world. Since your mom begins to think you're her cousin can you use your mom's previous stories about she and her cousin to keep your mom from getting agitated? Let's say on one visit with your mom she talks about, let's say, a dog she and her cousin played with. Maybe on your next visit with your mom you use this memory of hers. Or just go along with her. If she starts asking you questions, thinking you're her cousin, just make stuff up. For example, if your mom's begins talking about a bowling tournament she and her cousin were in can you respond, "That tournament was great fun! I can't remember who won, can you?" In other words, just go along with her. Again, there's no point in agitating someone who has dementia. They don't live in our world anymore and we have to go into theirs to be with them.
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Just go along with her. My mom often thinks I am her sister. If I were to correct her, she would become even more confused and possibly agitated.

When she does become agitated because you don't know answers ask yourself if she really knows the answer. You could always make something up, or ask her what she remembers about it. My guess is she does not remember enough detail that she would be able to recall.
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during one phsyc episode my mother had i dashed to my bedroom and slapped on my bandana. then i was her son bob again. bandanas dont lie..
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That's what I ended up doing when my mom didn't recognize one of us or thought we were someone else. We just went along with it. She asked about my dad one time and I told her he had died and she went ballistic. After that I just told her he was fine and doing well, and she accepted that and seemed happy. They don't really know any better so no need to stir up contention.
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Sorry for your Mom's illness. Before my Mom passed away a year ago, 3/4 of the time she thought I was her Aunt she grew up with, I always went along with her, wherever she was in her reality. If I didn't know anything about whatever it was she was trying to talk to me about, I would just tell her I didn't remember and that I was sorry, and applaud her that her memory was better than mine. I pray that you can find more Joy than pain.
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I would go along with it UNTIL she starts thinking you're her cousin, then I'd leave - since you're pretending to be her cousin at that time, that's probably what I would do, esp after a few hours - long visit...And since you can't answer her questions since you weren't there - before you were born - I'd definately leave at that time - I"m sorry if this upsets you but what else can you do? Continue to pretend you're her cousin & both of you get upset?
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I think the hardest part to handle about this phenomenon is that she doesn't remember YOU, her own daughter. There's something that invalidates us when our own mother doesn't know us. It's like we've died to them. At least that's the emotion it stirs up in me, and the one that I have to guard against in trying to "go along" with her. There isn't any point in arguing--she'll never accede. I just keep my mouth shut, and try not to contradict her. My mom hasn't recognized me (most of the time) for over a year.
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In this case, you are not going to win anyway you try, so stop trying to convince her who you are. May I suggest when she thinks you are her cousin, ask her to tell you what event she is referring to. Let her do most of the talking and you can comment as little as possible. The fact you visit every week is great, and as time progresses she will become more and more non-verbal. So whatever she is talking about or who she thinks you are, just agree. You know who you are and how you are related, and that is what is important. This disease robs people of their own identity and that of others. Give mom a hug, and hug her every time you visit. You know you are there for her even if she doesn't.
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I know it is hard. My dad had Alzheimer's and always thought I was his sister. I let him think it and yes it but I figured she is my aunt and I love her. Plus u have to know it's the disease. My dad had been gone 2 years now the with the 2 year Mark was last week. alzethimers and or dementia is a horrible disease.
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Sorry you are having a hard time with this! Mom and now Dad gets me and my sister confused all the time. Not so bad, but now Mom really just does not know who I am in her few more lucid moments. I will remind her one time when I arrive for a visit, but after that whatever she wants is ok with me. Most times she calls me by my aunts name , her older and favorite sister. As long as it's the "good" sister she thinks I am all is good! :) Go with the flow, as sad as it is, no need to create more confusion.
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You're lucky she only thinks you're her cousin! My dad thinks I'm his old girlfriend, or my deceased mother, and flirts with me and asks me to jump into bed with him! Arrrrghhhh! He also proposes marriage all the time! He'll be 95 in Dec.
He's also called me my sister's name, and other people...It takes patience, but either calmly agree with them, or gently re-direct the conversation. It's hard sometimes I know. I'm the only caregiver for my dad, and when I'm so exhauseted and worn out, I have to admit I've yelled out once that I was his daughter, and he was my dad, and I couldn't marry him. I thought that would help, but then he says "why not?" HA!
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If in her mind this is 1933 and she is 16 having adventures with her cousin, then obviously you can't be her daughter. But she knows that you are someone important in her life. No wonder she decides you are her cousin. (Is her cousin still alive? I'll bet she would love to hear how fondly your mother remembers her. Or her children would enjoy a note with that message.)

It is great that you have a few hours every visit where Mother seems to be in the present and knows who you are. Cherish those hours and make the most of them. Reminisce about events from your childhood and younger years. Talk about what is going on in your life now. Relate the present to the past. For example, tell her about all the garden produce you canned last week and then talk about the first time you canned with her.

It is heartbreaking that your own mother doesn't know who you are. But you still know who she is, and your compassionate visits are a way of keeping the connection.
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I have a friend who's wife didn't recognize him - until he put on brown pants and a white shirt. From then on he wore brown pants and a white shirt so she would recognize him as her husband. Perhaps you have to drag up something from your past and present you self that way so she recognizes you.
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I'm very sorry to hear what you're going through with Mom and that she has dementia. I suggest you play along. What matters is that she's okay. Perhaps remembering her cousin makes her feel happy. You might want to play the role and ask her things about what you did together (as cousins), you may learn things about her that you never knew. God be with you both.
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I had a similar experience w/mom about a week after she entered the n.h. She was tallking to herself & just wasn't herself. I can tell - I've never lived away from my parents so I know them better than anyone else. So I asked her who I was in relation to her - she replied "sister" "cousin" sister-in'law, I think I told her I was her daughter - I vaguely remember that - & it WAS more heartbreaking than I thought "that episode" wold be - I was beside myself, called my stepdaughter on our way to dinner & cried my eyes out - one of the worst days of my life...
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Go with the flow. My Mom always recognizes me and calls me by name when I visit. But it is often clear that,. even though she calls me the correct name,I'm not her daughter but one of her sisters. ( And no she does not have a sister by with my name). Usually she is remembering things from her childhood or may recognize us as adults and ask me about the old friends and neighbors from back then. She grew up elsewhere in the country and was the only one who moved away. She thinks I am visiting from there. I just give her vague answers or say it's been a long time since I saw them. I did go visit the farm property she grew up on in the 90's (now park land) and am so happy I did. She now often brings up things they use to do in the woods or along the near-by river. At least I know the lay of the land and can go along with her. I try to get her to tell me something they did and just go along with it. At other times she wants to know what it looks like now. And I can tell her that too.
I think a lot of times now she forgets she had children. She always knows my Dad but often forgets my youngest brother entirely, unless he's there. For instance we had a recent family pic. taken. She will go through it and name everyone but wonder who he is?. Often doesn't recognize his little kid photos either though she always knows we 2 oldest girls and usually the middle brother. She always knows him but saw him a lot more than the younger bro as he lived locally. Sometimes I think she thinks he is her brother and they do share the name. Strangely she always knows my husband. But my brothers wife can become that woman. And she isn't happy she is there with him to the point that she has to leave. Other times she is perfectly happy with her there.
I read once that we should think of the memory loss as at first we forget what I did today, then the week, months, years, and finally the decades. My Mom remembers most the times from the 40's back. Sometimes she will remember 50's and sometimes something more recent but it isn't often. she is 92.
My 91 year old dad finds it a bit hard to deal with the fact she has forgotten the rest of us so much of the time. He has trouble going with the flow.
I find it helpful to take something to share with my Mom. Some photos a simple picture book of something she likes. Thinks like that. IT helps bring up the words and gives us something to talk about. She still enjoys going for a ride and out to lunch.
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My mother frequently talks about when we lived in a particular town, however I have never lived or been in that town. I know that she lived there with her mother and sister and she believes I am one of them, so when she gets into these conversations with me, I just say, "Oh gosh Mom I am so sorry, I don't remember, my memory isn't as good as it use to be!" She accepts it and we move on.
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My m-i-l thought my husband was her husband and I was her s-i-l. I just went along with her. She walked around the nursing home and introduced me as Louise every time we visited. I didn't see any reason to confuse her more by contradicting her.
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I think it's important (if it hasn't been mentioned already) to try not to take it personally when your loved one doesn't recognize you or know who you are. I've noticed with my dad that somedays he doesn't know who I am or where he is. I've gotton used to this, but a sister of mine who visited him once didn't understand, and was very offended when our dad did not act like himself, and didn't know who she was. It's difficult, I know.
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Solegiver, NOT taking it personally is so much more diffecult than you know! Read my previous answer - I'm prepping myself as to what I'd say if mom said "& who might you be"? I'd tell her "I'm your daughter." If she doesn't believe me then I'd ask her who she THINKS I am - I'm VERY VERY close to mom - never lived away from them so this would be emotionally heartbreaking for me to bear. I'd have to call Gail, my Nurse Care Advocate, main office, to have someone drive me home because I'd be in NO shape to drive...
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My sympathies to you. I think that would be confusing and frightening to you, too.
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I'm sure others have said this: just play along. Leave the room for a few minutes, come back in and say, "Hi, Mom! It's me" and use your name. It might help. Be sure to get her attention first by touching her hand or something. Don't just shout from across the room. Be sure she is looking at your first. In fact, you always need to be sure you have their attention before saying or doing anything. Explain what you are going to do before you do it. Ask if it's OK. If they say no, stop and wait. Try again in a little while. It can make all the difference...trust me...this is a lesson I had to learn. I know you want to get whatever it is done NOW, but you must give your loved one time to process it. Asking again 10 or 15 minutes later in a different way can make it all OK. Be patient and kind. As hard as it is, this is what you have to do.
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One time, when my mother asked when her daughter was going to come to visit, and I was standing right there, I asked her, "What does she look like?" She described me as I looked when I was 6 years old. I've thought about making a "Hello my name is" name tag with my 6-year-old picture on it to wear when I'm around her. Not sure if it would work.
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Krusso: There is no reason to be offended and if you are hurt by it, just remember they are ill and are not doing this to hurt you, they just have a disease that ravages their mind and plays tricks with their memory. My mother has been my best friend all my adult years and I thought I would be horrified, but there are sooo many worse things to deal with that her thinking I was her sister was more interesting to me than earth shattering. You cannot fall apart at something like this, I just witnessed my mother having severe hallucinations, not sleeping for over 37 hours, fighting to climb out of her hospital bed, over the rails and chew off her restraints. She had more strength than I did....... That will make you want to break down!
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amott6, my Mom lives with us also and went a good year or more thinking my husband was hers. She started to call him by my dads name and hold his hand during most of supper. Some nights my husband would just put his arm around her when I asked him to if she was teary and confused and it worked. Hes the best, and that stage has passed. My husband couldnt kiss me when he got home because he did once and she got so mad! haha God Love em !!
As the alz assoc told me just treat them as thou they are the customer and the customer is always right! It works!
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Raven1 I know full well my mother has dementia - well, back in the summer of 2011 I DID fall apart over that episode - I wish I was stronger but saying I CANNOT fall apart is, well...I don't know!!! We're obvouslly two very different people but - what you described with your mother is EXACTLY what happened with mine last week only I didn't witness it - her nurse called & told me - When I did see her a couple of days later, she told me "Dad died" (he died in 2009) & "please go see him on your way out" "ok, so you & Richard will pick me up tomorrow morning to go to the funeral." I actually HAD this conversation w/her Fri, Oct 11 - BTW Did I mention I'm an ONLY child & I have NOBODY there when these episodes happen?
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My mom has been like this for about three or four months now. When I tried to tell her I was her daughter. She flat out told she had no daughter. It really hurt. But , then I thought I know who I am .She is in her space so I just let her be. It upsets her when I disagree with her. So just try to think about how much you love the person going through this . It will help .
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Raven1, my mom just went through the same thing except she is living with us. She kept hallucinating that various people were outside of the house waving to her.
She thought a group of young girls were one of the great grandchildren she helped to raise and chased them down the path. Scared the crap out of me when I looked and she wasn't there. She also didn't sleep for about 36 hours. It's such an odd disease. She finally crashed last night. I have no idea who is going to wake up this morning.
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My mom started calling me Ma'am yesterday. I don't know if her hallucinations were getting in the way of her "normal" thinking or if she has gone from being in the middle stages to the late stages overnight. I thought this was a slow disease and didn't change so quickly.
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:Yes, sometimes it is helpful to ask who do you think I am? One time my Mom was talking to me as I was making an old family recipe. It was new to her. then she asked me what my kids were doing. (I don't have any) I said I don't have any and she said yes, you do, don't kid. So I told her I didn't know what they were doing. She looked at me and said, "You are must be losing your marbles because with 11 kids you surely have to know what at least one of them are doing now." I guess I should have and that was the first time I realized she often thought I was her sister even if she did use my name.

Another time she got really angry when we got off the phone after talking to my sister. (Mom doesn't much like talking on the phone anymore) Turns out she thought we were talking to her cousin by the same name and since we'd never known her, Mom couldn't understand why we had hogged the phone. We called my sis back and they talked for a bit. When Mom got off the phone she turned to me and said. "it's really hard to talk to someone you haven't talked to in years." My sis said she could tell Mom thought she was someone else but tried to give her some vague answers that fit. She said she didn't mind just hearing Mom to talk to her over the phone was enough..

But it does hurt at first when you know they don't know you as you. With time I have come to accept it. She still thinks of me as someone she loves and cherishes spending time with. That is enough.
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