Mom asked me to move in with her & dad a couple months ago & I agreed but can't move for another month. Since then every thing I mention of bringing with me (my own mattress/springs, TV, photo albums, bicycle,...) she gets upset & says I don't need to bring those because she has a TV & bed I can use & she doesn't want to look at old photos!
They have a four bedroom house & she has designated one bedroom & one of their three bathrms for me to use. She also does not want me to put anything in their garage, attic, or any other rooms. I currently live alone in a three bedroom house.
The thing we had to remember is that she could NOT learn anything--her ability to make new memory was gone. There was not a whole lot anybody could do except to get a home care person to get her meals and generally keep things up as well as possible. She fell once, and was found by a neighbor; but wound up back home after she rehab. Her daughter took her in but she kept trying to leave and walk home (60 miles). I will admit she was one of the very few people that I would lose patience with; she would keep asking the same impossible thing over and over and over...the key was that nothing got through to her. Finally she was found in her home by her daughter one morning. As frustrating as it was, it was merciful that she was finally at peace.
Sometimes people do change for the better if they reach a point where they forget their most annoying behaviors, but just remember that people with memory issues do not learn, so the odds are that they will not change their attitudes.
And speaking of not wanting to use their own money, I use to have to run my parents all over hill and dale for appointments, shopping, CPA, haircuts, you name it, and take time off work to do so, plus use their car which I disliked driving with a passion.... it use to irritate me to no end because my parents could have afford to hire someone to drive them :P So much resentment on that part because I developed major panic attacks while driving during all those years, and to this day because of that my driving range is just one or two miles.
it is really: MEN - OH - PAWS !!!
Ha, your post, Phoenix, well the epilogue made me LOL ! And that is hard to do lately for me!!!
WHOAH!!!
M88
I have been growing my hair for a photo shoot with grandson and the rest of the family but I prefer it in a very short crop as in like a number 4 all over (if you have that type of hair razor over there) So all I said was I can't wait for it to be cropped again.
You are not to have it cut.......
excuse me this is my body my hair and if I want to shed my head bald I will.
Not while you live in my house you won't.
Well that's easily rectified I will just pack and then I will call social services - the flat is all set up and there is a room for someone to live in - find your own carer because I am done with your bad manners, your temper and your p155y attempts at controlling my every move.
All went very very quiet. It took about 30 of the longest minutes in the world but she did apologise and she is starting to do all the things I have asked her to do like actually asking me to do things rather than use the manipulative method.
Rather than saying its cold in here isn't it she asked me to turn the heating up or get her a blanket
Rather than saying I haven't got any sweets in this tin....she asked me if I could fill her tine again
These are the most trivial of things and when she eventually can't ask I would do it automatically because I would write it down to check I have done it, but while she can ask this method drives me insane and raises by blood pressure faster than anything else I can think of (apart from the day she pooped in my car)
Listen to Phoenix daughter, she knows. So glad she showed up here to offer what was so very generous of her! We could not do any of this without her, and so many like her, who take their experience to help others. It is not a small thing.
Please please don't do this wondering. You will regret it more, far more, than you will ever regret not doing it trust me. As for your belongings if you really do feel beyond all doubt that you have to go (personally I would advise seeing a shrink first! joke) then it is like this mum either I bring everything with me that I want to or I don't come - your call. If she argues (and she will) repeat either I bring everything with me that I want to or I don't come - your call never ever say sorry mum but I have to bring my things. If your Mum is as controlling as she is sounding then you are in for the worst journey imaginable and if you have two to contend with then my angel you will break long before they do and I can tell you now your siblings will take one giant step back ...why because you are being paid to do it. I am not deriding them - there will just come a time when they won't understand the pressures you are under. 168 hours a week tied to the house? Your only connectivity to the outside world the internet the phone and an occasional trip out when you take them to the docs? Is that what you really want? because that's where I am and right now I am in such a dark place it is good I don't live in the USA because I might just bear arms against myself rather than continue....thats the reality.
I thought about doing that for my own parents and boy was I glad I didn't. A few months later I was diagnosed with cancer and I needed each and every day of the 90 day FMLA for surgery, treatment, and recovery..... as I had already used up all my vacation days and sick days. My job would have been given to someone else if I didn't have FMLA to help secure the position.
This just gets worse and worse. Your mother won't allow wires in her house so you can have internet, and yet somehow you think she is going to agree to pay you the equivalent of your salary, just because your siblings think it is a swell idea?
You think after they see how valuable you are then you can convince them to treat you fairly and with respect and set sound boundaries then. You are not even valuable enough to them to have a bicycle take up room in their garage. Seriously, how is this miraculous conversion of their attitudes going to come about?
You did not get through nursing school without a high level of intelligence. What is keeping you from applying that intelligence to this situation?
I had to go back and read your profile a couple of times to remember which of your parents has dementia. Has your mother been this narcissistic and controlling her entire life? Or is this new with age?
You mother has looked forward to AL for years. Focus your energy on making that happen for her.
You do not want to do this.
Well, the comments have flooded your inbox. Pro's, Con's... more Con's obviously.
I do agree with not taking the FULL FMLA..........Right you might need FMLA later on in the year.
Take it as a one/two week trial run.
Don't tell mom how long you are staying............................................
The day before you come home, you tell her. Or tell dad to tell her.
By then, you will have lived thru 2 weeks of what is yet to come.
You have gone and investigated local Agency on Aging, Assisted Living facilities, gotten prices, bla bla bla..........take it as an investigative reporter trip.
See how much / if your siblings cooperate................
And then, you hit them with the paperwork you've gathered, call a family meeting and say: It is not doable for ONE person, be it ME, or YOU, or YOU or YOU!... Therefore.............here is what I propose, and this is where it is.
I am ______yrs. old, I have my job, I need to keep working until______so that I can get my 401k, my retirement pension, and my own ducks in a row for when I am in this very predicament.
IT IS BECAUSE I LOVE MY PARENTS AND YOU that I am here, doing this.
What do you all think?
For now, west coast of calif. time is 11:24pm, see you in the a.m.
M88
I did this, moved in with mom and hubby, August 2011. I was there for four very long difficult years. I would think twice and be honest with yourself, siblings will not help. They get you there and low and behold siblings have too much going on and do not offer or even help when you need a few hours to yourself. Four years financially.
Stay where you are,