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My mom (who I live across the country from) recently went through a terrible bout of shingles, and had a lot of trouble with the pain. She was prescribed several different pain meds until she found one that really worked for her - unfortunately the side effects were really intense (confusion, brain fog, forgetfulness). She seemed like she was drunk all the time on them, and wouldn't remember things from one day to the next. I expressed my concern about her safety while she was taking them and said I didn't think she should be driving while she was taking them. I also cited a few examples of memory loss and out of character behavior that deeply concerned me, and asked her to connect with her GP or pharmacist to talk about the pills. She has a lifelong tendency to only hear the negative, so I knew she wouldn’t hear my concern and only take it as criticism, but I had to say something. But as I should have predicted, she got so upset that now she's not speaking to me. My husband tried calling her to talk about it but she froze him out too.
Rereading my favorite family dynamics book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. But would love any other words of wisdom.

When my MIL broke her back and needed to take post-op opioids, she also seemed very out of it. Come to eventually figure out that she was inadvertently overdosing herself (she was also running out of pills very quickly each month). She only lived 6 miles from us so it was easy for me to go there and count her pills every day but she could not be left alone with them.

Also come to eventually figure out that the reason she was overdosing herself was that 1) she was a total baby when it comes to pain; and 2) she was at the beginning of her short-term memory loss. She eventually was moved into AL because she could no longer take care of herself (and her husband was given a legal guardian and moved into a facility due to his advanced Parkinsons).

You will need to make the decision of whether you wish to be your Mom's manager or not. It won't be easy from so far away PLUS her being uncooperative, but it can be possible. As long as you understand the time, money and emotional commitment it will require from you. If you are not now her PoA, then it will be even more difficult. Even with PoA it is difficult to get an uncooperative adult to do something they are physically resisting.

You don't mention how old your Mom is or anything about cognitive impairment. If your Mom is now old enough to have the beginnings of dementia, then the book I would be reading should be on that topic, since dementia breaks a person's brain is such a way that the prior rules of engagement may no longer apply.

I wish you much clarity and wisdom as you ponder your next move.
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Reply to Geaton777
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If you know her PCP, you can call him with your concerns. I am pretty sure some of these pain meds say no driving.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Assuming you’re in the US, you can message mom’s doctor on the patient portal and state your concerns. The doctor will not be able to respond to you unless you’re listed on mom’s consent for release of info forms, but that doesn’t stop the doctor from reading what you share and being aware. If mom is perhaps at the start of cognitive decline it is not uncommon to not be able to recognize what is happening and lack insight into one’s own behaviors. No use trying to make her see what she may not be able to acknowledge. If she doesn’t come around, you may need to visit in person to more fully assess what her living situation is truly like
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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As you already demonstrate and admit in your note to us, this isn't unusual for your mother. If she is now living independently, and you have expressed to her what you have observed and what worries you (and rightly so, by the way) then you have done what you can.

Stop contacting her.
She is an adult and has made her own choice.
She is not your responsibility.
Send her a lovely note with ZERO discussion of all of this. Something short and sweet. Beautiful card saying:
"Dear Mom:
It's my understanding that currently you wish to be out of contact with us. That's fine if it is what you want. Know we love you and are here if you wish to make contact again".

Stop allowing her to "play you" because you aren't a fiddle.
Stop allowing her manipulation.
Make her responsible for her actions and get on with your own life, giving her as little thought as she deserves.
Just my humble opinion. But you're an adult as well, so I leave your own choices for your own life up to you.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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You can't force an immature adult to suddenly grow up and take responsibility for herself, her actions and behaviors. Mom is obviously unwilling to hear what you have to say so she's putting her fingers in her ears and refusing to hear you. Short of taking a trip to see her, I don't know what you or anyone else can do in this situation. Oftentimes we children of such parents wind up waiting for The Phone Call we all dread.

Good luck to you.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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