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My mom’s condition is deteriorating and now she doesn’t recognize family members most of the time. Sometimes she’ll recognize me for an hour in the morning but that is all. She is 75 and started having symptoms of Alzheimers about 10 years ago. When she asks me who I am, I tell her I am her daughter and she starts to cry because she doesn’t understand why she doesn’t know me. She asks why nobody told her she has children. She has a hard time accepting that I am who I say I am. She doesn’t recognize herself or any of us in photos so showing her photos doesn’t help. Should I lie and tell her something else (what??) so my answer doesn’t cause her so much emotional anguish? I don’t live with my parents and the hardest part is that when she doesn’t recognize my dad she gets scared and tries to make him leave the house. She gets very upset when he says he’s her husband. What should my dad do when she gets scared and tells him he needs to leave because she doesn’t know who he is? She can’t be left alone but her reaction to a strange man in her house is reasonable; I would tell a person to leave my house if I was there alone and didn’t know them. Especially a man!

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Tell her your name and that you love her VERY much.
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Imho, you could verbalize something akin to "I am someone who loves you VERY much." Prayers sent.
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Just tell your Mom your name and that you are someone who loves her. You don't have to specify that you're her daughter.
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I've posted this link before. It's a video about how to talk to people with dementia. Maybe there will be some helpful ideas for you in the video.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ilickabmjww&t=235s

I'm so sorry this is happening to your family. God bless.
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Onlychildbutnot Oct 2020
thank you so much for that video !!!
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I haven't read all the responses. With my Mom she would just say "no your not" because she was no longer in that part of my life. My Mom seemed to revert back to her childhood. She did not mention her other children or my Dad. In her mind they never existed.

Just tell her your name when asked. You don't need to tell her more.
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How hard, though fairly common.

The things that upset her can easily be changed. As stated, just give your name. If she needs more than that, add something like "and I'm here to help take care of you today". Or I'm a nurse, if she needs a label to feel like it's really OK for you to be there with her.

I think this is too much for your dad. He should do the same as you - don't try to explain that he's her husband, etc. She doesn't appear capable of understanding that.

I think she could benefit from some anti-anxiety meds. Sounds like she's very anxious, etc which has got to be hard for her. Who wants to feel scared and confused all the time? Maybe there is something she can take that will help her feel calmer and happier.
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When she asks who you are, try answering with your name. Example: “I’m Cindy. I love you very much.”
God bless you and your family
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You can respond in two ways. 1. I'm someone who loves you. 2. Your daughter asked me to help you out.

For you Dad it's harder. As you say, he's a male person in her house that she does not recognize. Is there any way he can avoid her when she foes that? Or sgain use the "friend" ruse?
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Sounds like she is ready for a Memory Care Unit, if for no other reason than that your dad can't care for her if she thinks he's not her husband!
How horrible for him to be considered a stranger by his own wife! It could be unsafe, too, for both of them, if she panics at the attentions of a "strange" man. Another alternative might be someone who could care for them, or at least be with them, 24/7. That person could identify themselves as a "housekeeper", "nurse" or any non-relative helper.
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My dad knows my brother’s voice when he calls but does not know him in person.
Call her. State who you are and if she responds. Tell her the person there is your friend.
My dad tells others that his kids don’t come see him and no one loves him. I know it’s sad.
Look for clues of the year she is in. Talk about that. Play her favorite song. Sing with her or dance. You are a loving family. She is blessed.
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It is time to tell comfortable truths. Tell your mother that you are a friend or that you are from the church (if you belong to a church) and are making visits - since most adult children end up becoming friends to their parents. Tell your mother that "the man" is your father and he is coming along with you for a visit. Maybe she can relax knowing that you are both safe people and can enjoy a "visit" even if she can't remember the past relationships.
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Unfortunately, it may be time to consider placing your mother in an alzheimer speciality center. She likely will soon lose her limited ability to discern you or your father. Her anxiety will be heightened, placing your father in an even more precarious, if not downright dangerous situation. Alzheimers/dementia decline is cruel for her to endure and for your father to witness. Discuss the situation with family and her physician. With options determined, you will be able to make a loving decision to assist her sense of security.
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I am so sorry that you are dealing with this dreadful disease.

One thing that I did with my grandma and granny, when they asked who I was, I would introduce myself and say that I am someone that loves you very much and came to spend some fun time with you.

That worked every single time. They could feel that they were loved and I did my best to have a good time with them.

Making them happy in the moment is the best we can hope for at a certain point.

I have to tell you that it does get easier dealing with the fact that you, as a daughter, have disappeared, but making them laugh or smile in the moment is one of the greatest feelings ever.

I played catch with a stuffed animal with my granny and she would be smiling from ear to ear, we would all be laughing at the fake throws and bad throws or good catches. She was completely unable to do anything for herself, stuck in a wheelchair, but she could toss that stuffed animal.

Find something that brings both of you joy and love her in the moment, it will give you many happy memories. Treats that she likes are always good.

Great big warm hug! Such a rotten disease.
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Tell her your first name. Don't get in to the family tree. With pictures, find some very very old ones and see if she recognizes anyone - she might surprise you. Memories seem to be erased starting with recent so older ones are the last to go. If she recognizes you as a small child, then tell her it's you. Just don't do into too much detail.

Has to be very difficult for your dad to see her losing memory of him while he's there with her each day. Maybe he could try the first name only thing with her too. If that doesn't work, tell her 'you're just having a little trouble remembering me, but we've known each other for years. I'm here to help you out'.

This is simply the cruelest disease out there - for those on both sides of it. Each case is different, yet similar. I hope you all find some words that bring her comfort.
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Perhaps try this line: ‘I’m a family member here to help because we all care about you. Can’t you see I’ve got the family nose? (or whatever – noses run in my own family, like the old joke). Who do I remind you of?’ If she replies ‘Aunt Eliza’ divert the conversation to Aunt Eliza and what she did. If she doesn’t, bring up family names yourself, and divert the conversation anyway. 'Fred says I look a bit like Aunt Matilda'. It’s one more approach, and might lead to some good conversations.
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My friend's MIL had dementia and asked multiple times a day where her husband was. He had died several years prior.

Friend would tell MIL that her husband was in Heaven. Problem was, MIL would dissolve into tears. It was as if she was hearing the news the first time ever... in her mind, I guess she was. She'd ask multiple times a day, be told he was in Heaven, and she'd cry. Each time.

Obviously the honest approach wasn't helping. Time for the aforementioned "therapeutic fib". Instead of being in Heaven, he was at the store or at work. Of course it felt wrong to lie to her, but it was for her sake. She'd still ask about him 1000x a day, but did not have the crying and upset the real answer gave her. It was either lie or her have constant breakdowns. Wasn't a tough choice.

As for your situation? Try "I'm the nurse here to help you." Your father could be the doctor who makes house calls.
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Does it seem that she is living in a particular period from her past? If so, I’d try to speak with her as if you’re in that era as well.
For my mom, her last 18 mos were totally bedfast on hospice in a NH. Her last few months she was almost always “living” in her late teens - early 20’s before she married; she often thought with absolute certainty that I was her Aunt & to the point of discussing family stuff from that era. That Aunt did live with her & her siblings & my grandparents for few years but died before WW2. I like to think that this was the period she was the happiest in her, long long life & that’s why she went there.
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disgustedtoo Oct 2020
I've been able to peg mom's "period" from different statements and questions she has made. First was asking me to drop her off at her mother's place. Her mother has been gone about 40 years now! Periodically she will ask if I've seen or talked to them recently, or will wonder what "Nana" is making for Thanksgiving, etc. This has been a recurring topic now and then, over the last 3+ years. About 9 months ago she asked if I'd seen her younger sister. When I said not recently (everyone in mom's generation, both sides, are gone), she stated she (the sister) must be tied up with THAT baby. That would be my cousin's baby, who was born with severe disabilities. Her mother often helped because the older child also had disabilities, and as my cousin aged, the same condition affected her. Her husband had passed away when the kids were still quite young. Both her kids were born between mine, so that would put THAT baby at about 40 years old (she has passed away, due to surgical incompetence!)

So, yes, they will start living in some past part of the life, as the more recent memories fade away and are lost. I figure since she is living in the 40 years ago time frame, I would be an adult, so although I may appear a bit older, she is seeing and remembering an adult form of me, not a child. If she continues down that path, at some point I won't match up with her memories, but she may pass before we get there. She is 97 now, and recently had a stroke.
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I would like to recommend a book for you, likely cheap on Amazon used as not new, called Still Time, by Jean Hegland. She, the author, worked in memory care as a volunteer. The book is about a Professor who is in Memory Care and is told from his perspective. It is a lovely book. Oliver Sacks spent his entire life studying the mind. His opinion was that they have a REAL world, it just isn't like ours. I think when you say "I am your daughter" it beings your world into collision because she understands she has lost a very important memory, and it briefly hurts her. Hurts you as well. I so agree with some here who have suggested you tell her that you are (give your name), and that you love her and so enjoy visits with her. There is very hard for you, I know. It is such a loss to have to lose them while still they sit before us speaking. I hope you find comfort.
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One more thing that grandma1954 brought up... TOUCH! Touching is very important. It reassures them that you care, even if they may not recognize you. Always be in front of her, not to the side and talk to her at her eye level. She'll appreciate it.
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Tell her your name.
Tell her that you love her
Tell her that you will care for her.
Tell her that she is safe.
When this happens to your dad he should do the same.
Tell her ..My name is "George"
I love you very much
I will take care of you
You are safe.
Hold her hand, give her a hug.
the other thing he can do if she insists that he is not her husband he can tell her "George" went to the store and he will be back in a little while. She will calm down and eventually she will realize he is her husband..until it happens again. When it happens again you go back to step #1 and repeat the process again and again. He can leave the room if she insists and if it is safe for him to do so. Maybe leaving the room and entering again might help. (if possible leave through one door and come back through another.)
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disgustedtoo Oct 2020
We haven't reached this point yet - I haven't been able to visit my mother since lock down started mid March, except one brief visit outside around her birthday. Being in the heat, masked, 6' apart with not one but two aides, I am not sure she even knew I was there. I have been concerned with the "out of sight out of mind" issue - she hasn't seen my brothers in long time and at some point stopped asking about them. I was worried the lack of seeing me and progression of dementia would fade me away like Marty in Back to the Future... However, in a good discussion just the other day with a staff member mom really likes (and the feeling is mutual), she does still remember me.
Oh, her and those CATS! :-D

This staff member took a picture while I was there (holding up my kitty themed mask of course!) and the nurse sent email reply to my query - yup, she knew who I was, but wanted to know why I didn't want to come in to visit. :-( She laughed when they showed her the mask.

Anyway, I think just stating your names and that you are there to care for, protect and love her should be sufficient. It's hard when they don't remember you anymore, but YOU still have the memories of the good times past. Names, reassurances and love only. She doesn't remember the relationships and since they seem to agitate her, or at least being unaware of them does, then just leave that part out.

I was also thinking perhaps dad (might work for you as well) could get those stick on name-tags to wear, so she can see the name and make him a little more "official" as a care-giver. Being a man, yes, she could be more frightened, since she's forgetting who he is, but he (and you for backup) can repeat often that he is here to care for and protect her - like a security guard, or a guardian angel.

If the stick on name tags don't work (sometimes they just don't stick and they aren't really reusable), maybe see if you can get some more "official looking" badges made up, to convince her you are both employees of some kind, there to help. (Example:
https://www.amazon.com/Avery-Self-Laminating-Name-Badges-2-1/dp/B00007LVDE
They have these at staples, but more expensive.)

Have them boldly show your names and in smaller print some kind of made up ID # and a phony care company name? Worth a try, esp if you can find a less expensive one (such as this one, about $14 for 25:
https://www.officedepot.com/a/products/535632/Office-Depot-Brand-Laminating-Pouches-ID/
More searching might find something that works and is less money,)
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On this forum I was introduced to the term "therapeutic fib". Puts some of our necessary actions into a right perspective. May you have peace in your heart as you venture on this journey with your family.
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Your situation is so heartbreaking but so common. I'm providing a link that addresses this. Meanwhile don't mention your relationship. "Hi I'm Mary.
I just wanted to stop by and say hi". Or, "Hi I'm Mary, I'm a friend of (your dad's name, not his relationship). This is very hard and emotional for you both. I wouldn't want to represent myself as a "friend" of my dad, but using the word dad could also confuse your mom. AD is such a debilitating and insideous disease. As a caregiver you have to form a totally different mindset to interact with your LO. Go to the link below. Dr. Natalie Edmonds discusses this very issue. She has many, many videos (Dementia Careblazers) that discuss all aspects of dementia.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9rmpuF_D1hw
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Can you leave your feelings about “lies” behind and say “I’m someone who has always loved you a LOT, and I’m SO HAPPY every time I get to see you!”?

Your job, as a sad but very loving child of someone whose brain is failing her, is to give her safety, peace, comfort, and love. Attempting to convince her of something she can’t believe presently serves to make both of you more upset and uncomfortable.

You have wisely observed what is happening in your mom’s dealings with your dad. She is frightened and unnerved by the presence of someone she doesn’t know, because tragically, her damaged brain can’t access the information she used all through her life to recognize and interact with people she loved, and who loved her.

Consider yourself as someone else who is helping her to accept love and support from someone whom she doesn’t “know”. When you consider interactions with her this way, it’s more possible to understand that attempting her to accept your version (I’m your daughter!) isn’t possible, but accepting your love as a compassionate and friendly person whom she doesn’t have to identify is more accessible to her.

That’s no “lie” is it?

I know how painful this is for you, and how disorienting. That doesn’t make your unfailing love for her any less important. Hoping you will find peace with doing your own best with the challenges you’re all experiencing.
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I am sorry that you are dealing with this situation.

Others who have parents with dementia will help you.

I wish that I could help. I don’t have experience with this situation.

Best wishes to you and your family.
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