She needs coaching and assistance to get to toilet etc from wheelchair because of her dementia. She was managing sooo alone before last fall but they insist she can't go back. Should I tell her she's never leaving or just keep lying? Her worst fear was me "putting her in a home." I can't move in with her and her wheelchair couldn't even fit in my bathroom in my tiny house.
And truly Chestershaba you didn’t put her in a home. Her physical condition required more medical care.
I am pointing this out because these places are out to make money. You need a thorough knowledge from her doctor of what kind of care she really needs. Then you need to know all the places that type of care can come from.
Am I saying you should move her? Maybe, but only after you have looked into things further and you come to that conclusion. That doesn't mean , however , that she should go back to your home or her old one. Assisted living is VERY different from a Home ( which is likely what I described above and what is in your moms mind. There are some really good places out there for seniors nowadays. I have an Aunt in one and she LOVES it. She has what amounts to an apartment with nothing more then a microwave and a bathroom along with her sitting and bedroom. But she is very social and still gets around well.
If you decide this place is nice, then I think you should tell your mother it is her new home. Board and Care is almost the same as assisted living- my understanding is that the difference is that its a regular home, like in a neighborhood??? If they dont have social activities and your mom is used to that it could be why she's not doing well.
Anyway the reason I say tell her is because of how it will effect her mindset. Right now she is doing nothing but hoping every day to go home.
That means she is not doing anything to make herself AT HOME in her new space.
Look at your mindset in a Hotel VS when you are at home.
I would explain to her that its not a home, it is HER home. The people who come are meant to assist her and tell her to let you know if anyone is abusive or disrespectful.
a good healthcare facility doesn't want people to go anywhere to die. getting people up and moving to the best of their abilities should be a goal. If you come across a facility and they only want to feed their residents & allow then to lay in bed all day while they collect money. THAT is not a good place.