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I am a caregiver for my early 80's mother who went into skilled care about 45 days ago. No dementia (3 tests in the last couple months confirmed no mental ailments). Can get out of bed with help and move around in a wheelchair, can walk with walker but not far. I am DPOA and MPOA for well over 10 years. Family (her siblings): one close does nothing but panic at the smallest little item and is no help and is NC because I can't take the drama, the other sibling is helpful but lives about 3 hours away so is not always around. Profile gives more info.


It seems like every other day is a panic with mom, yet she is on anti-anxiety and depression meds to prevent this. She texts or calls me constantly saying it's taking hours for someone to help her in the NH. As you can imagine it's impossible to concentrate on my job if she's constantly contacting me. Yes I've made her wait before I respond to try and "train" her that I'm not available at her every whim. She's asking for help for anything and everything from arranging her blankets (which she can do herself), saying she can't breath (panic attack?) however her O2 levels are 95+ and she's on 3 liters of O2, afraid she will fall out of bed even with rails, and on and on. So now I'm guessing when she presses her button the aides feel it's not so important because she's called wolf a few times. She hollers, throws things out the door etc to get their attention. There are 50+ other residents and she doesn't seem to understand they will not be there in a minute. She said they are not abusing her just slow to respond.


I have honestly never seen their response being overly lengthy, maybe 20 minutes at the most. There is only so much I can do and we've already moved from one facility because it was unclean and looked like a detention center. I'd really hate to put my mother on NC during the day while I work but I cannot have the continual disruptions. Also I'm afraid that the NH will kick her out and she will have no where to go.

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If she is in skilled care, let them use their skills to care for her.

Ringing phones can go unanswered.
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Stoplight Sep 2021
Yes I agree. My health is worth more than a ringing phone.
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Hello-
Aaahhh yes, moms never ending honey do’s; my mother was a master at this, and indeed it is VERY challenging. You MUST set boundaries and STICK to them. During a “non-emergency “ visit with mom, both of you sit down (in a chair not in bed), and in a kind, firm manner, tell mom you will not be available between x-x (your work hours)- do not explain, give her the unless it’s an emergency clause- nothing. Simply state you will not be available and as already mentioned, if she does have an actual emergency the facility will contact you. After losing several jobs during my years caring for my mother, I did this and it actually worked. Have the conversation over coffee and her favorite pastry- in a positive way. In my experience, I wish I would have laid down boundaries sooner than I did. Also, it’s likely that as time goes on, her “emergencies “ will increase so setting boundaries now will help for the future. Best wishes
susan xoxoxo
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Stoplight Sep 2021
I actually did sit down with her during my Tuesday visit, she was in a chair and we sat outside in the evening sun (her fav time of the day). I made it clear that I cannot take calls during working hours and that I will give her a quick call on my lunch on days that I do not visit to see how she's doing during the day along with my usual call in the evening on days I do not visit. She said she understood. I told the facility to call me (and they do) when there's an issue and I don't answer leave a vm which i can listen to within an an hour or so.

I think she's afraid she will be forgotten by the facility or by her family. That's not going to happen.
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My mother acted the same way - as if SHE was the only patient on the entire floor. Everything became high priority for mother - whether she needed her glass of water refilled (it was half full) or her blanket pulled up more or the blinds closed, or wanting someone to talk to- everything had to happen NOW. I tried to get her to put together a list of 5 things she needed and only then utilize the call button. But she didnt. She didn't want to. And if they didn't respond within like instantly, she would call me. And if I didn't answer, she would call every 5 or 10 minutes - leave messages - until I called or picked up. (and that was AFTER I spent, on average, 4-7 hours every other day with her - running interference so they wouldn't kick her out).
She even called me at 2:30am and 4:30am (yes, they ended up taking her phone away from her at nights). It got so bad that the night nurses took away her call button - I know - it was a huge no-no but it was THAT bad (her room was right across from the nurses station so they could hear her if it was a serious situation). She actually believed that the nurses and aides at the facility were skilled 'servants' as she called them, and were suppose to take care of her every need and want. And she treated them that way. Nothing I said, or did, or didn't do, changed her thinking or way of being. the only time the staff and me got some quiet was when they gave her heavy duty pain meds that would make her sleepy. So, logic, reasoning, trying to 'train' - nothing worked - medications did.
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Stoplight Oct 2021
I totally understand what you're saying! I'm hoping once they get her meds situated and find the right cocktail she will improve. My mom has never ever had anxiety like this. One minute she wants to live and the next she's ready to die because no one pay attention to her.
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My mother is similar in that she feels the world revolves around her. That everyone should stop what they're doing and cater to her every whim within 20 seconds of her making a request. That's not real life and her needs aren't emergencies, yet she doesn't see it that way. She lives in a Memory Care ALF so they put up with her and just let it roll off their backs. I think you need to have a chat with the Director of Nursing at the SNF your mom is at; speak to him or her about your mom's behavior and how THEY intend to deal with it, b/c that's what is important here. Will they tolerate her outbursts or threaten to kick her out? That is the $64,000 question. I am certain your mother is not the first patient to act like this, and this is not the DONs first rodeo with this matter! If they're on board to keep her, then have a Come to Jesus talk with mom. Let her know that she's safe, fed, in a clean environment, and that you're not moving her again b/c the staff does not respond to her chronic call lights in a 'timely' enough fashion for her liking. Period.

Then turn your phone to vibrate during your working hours. Or block HER number while leaving the SNFs main number unblocked. That way, her calls won't come through but the staff calls WILL come through, meaning you will get an emergency call only. I do that frequently with my mother when I need a break from her constant histrionics (which is never an emergency). The staff can get thru to my phone, just not HER directly. It works quite well.

Sometimes it's necessary for a reality check for 'nervous' women whose anxiety rule their lives. Sometimes I feel like they use their 'anxiety' and 'nervousness' as an excuse to mask their righteous indignation for immediate service from the 'little people' put on earth to serve them.

Wishing you the best of luck with this situation.
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Stoplight Sep 2021
Yes I think I will need to turn on vibrate during work hours. I called her at lunch and she's panicked again, said she thought she fell out of bed. Nurse said no, we would have called you immediately (they have for other issues so they are very good with communication). How can you THINK you fell out of bed? I'm starting to wonder if she's having delusions or something else. I'm not sure those dementia tests were accurate.
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Maybe her anti-anxiety meds need to be upped. Don't let her anxiety become yours. Cut her off when you need to for your own health. She's being taken care of. Now take care of you.
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Stoplight Sep 2021
Thank you I needed to hear this. I just started a new job a few weeks ago and it's my dream job, I don't want to lose it. She just got on anti anxiety meds about 3 weeks ago, one of which should work within a half hour (benzo).

I love my mom very much and she's never ever acted like this in her whole life so I'm not used to seeing/hearing. It's hard, very hard but I'm frustrated.
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You need to block her calls while at work. Your job could be in jeopardy with too many personal calls. I am 72 and I would never call my daughter at work. Maybe a text but thats rare. When I worked, it better be an emergency if one of my family called me while working. And if they did, it would be a very short conversation. You can set your phone to "do not disturb". Take Mom off ur contacts and when she calls, the call will go to VM. Then you can screen your calls. I may threaten her, "If you don't stop calling me, I will take your phone away for a week".

Really, some seem to become like children. They also seem to forget what being married, taking care of kids, working and keeping a house entail. They can not be the center of your world even though they want to be. Yes, she is Mom but you need to set boundries for your own sanity.
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Sarah3 Sep 2021
I agree with the op setting boundaries and not allowing this to jeopardize her job, let alone the stress that all those unnecessary calls about arranging her blanket etc are imo what sounds like manipulative behaviors since dementia has been ruled out.
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Can your mom write? Tell her that you will visit once a week, and she should make a list of everything she would like you to do or to discuss with you. Meanwhile, block her calls during the workday. The staff will call you if there is an emergency. Your mom is bored and hyperfocused on herself. Suggest to her that during the day she participate in the patient activities.

Also, discuss her behavior with the nursing staff. I am fairly certain they have dealt with this before. Ask for suggestions from them. It may be that they feel like she could benefit from additional meds or some sort of behavior modification therapy or counseling. However, often these requests need to come from the family and not the staff in order for the doctor to honor them.
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For my mom, the predominent symptom of her cognitive decline was panic.

Please get a geriatric psychiatrist to see her (the NH likely has one who visits) and get her meds adjusted.

Your mom has 24/7 oversight. She needs to learn to rely on the staff in the moment and not have you so easily available.

Concentrate on your job.
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Sarah3 Sep 2021
The op said her mother has been tested several times recently and does not have dementia
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You know she’s in a safe place. You need to block her number while you’re at work. If there IS an emergency, the home will call you. Let her know that you can’t be reached unless at work, so that she’s not surprised, but you’ll probably need to tell her several times before she learns that there are certain times of the day where you’re unavailable.

You need to establish boundaries to reduce your own anxiety, because everything is already being done to reduce hers. Work has to be a priority, too. I’m sure the last thing you want is for the constant interruptions to reflect badly upon you at work.
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She is just objecting to being where she is. Turn your phone off during the day or block her number. You can control access by controlling when her number is accepted - being "on call" at work is obviously not acceptable and is just going to cause you problems. She will only take on board that she has to wait when you stop pandering to her and leave the facility to answer her when they can. As long as there is an emergency call that she can be given strict instructions as to when it can be used she will be fine. You may be able to work with the facility to show her call button is for when something is really needed by getting them to send all staff to her when she calls - a roomful of staff wanting to know what the emergency is may get the message through.
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