More of a caring statement than a question. Getting ripped off by family.

Inheritances have probably ruined more family relationships than booze.

SMK, I'm sure it happens all the time.
Me I refuse to let inheritance be an equation in my care giving. I don't expect a penny or want anything. I just do it because she is my mom. If anything Id like her to sell everything for her to get better care in a nice AL . No amount of money is worth doing what I'm doing or my mental health

HUG. So many stories like this, it's truly awful. And the nice, kind ones who helped, who cared for the elderly LOs, are very often screwed over (there are so many ways to screw someone over). The ones who didn't help at all, are out to get money. The ones who helped are too innocent, to even imagine other family members will behave that way so they sometimes fail to take precautions early on.

God will get them all, one day.

This is a cautionary tale. A large percentage of caregivers die BEFORE the person they're caring for. The rest can end up mentally, physically, and financially broken, unless they take steps to protect themselves.

Caregiving is HARD, even when the person being cared for is kind and appreciative.

SMK, I can't imagine caring for someone horrible and grumpy for 10 years. I hope you and your husband are able to find healing and happiness going forward.

Money, and the expectation of money, changes people.

I'm sorry for the disappointment you experienced. The problem with caregiving is that there is so much one should know before entering into it. And we don't know what we don't know. Few people know what questions to ask upfront. I wish I had found this forum back in 2016 when both my broke inlaws were imploding at the same time.

The Executor of an elder's Will has no obligation to disclose what is in it to anyone, nor should they. The forum participants will always recommend a written caregiving contract, even between family members. Based on what I'm continuously learning on this forum my husband and I created a trust and are making it very clear to our sons, trustees and PoAs that our money is meant for our care so that they don't have to do much or any of it. They've been informed repeatedly to not expect an inheritance. I now know I don't want any son or PoA making caregiving decisions for me based on an assumption about money/inheritance.

Our good friend likes to say, "an expectation is a premeditated disappointment". Few things are truer than that. May you eventually come to peace with your experience and learn from it so that your own journey has as good a finale as possible.

Is the value of a house really worth 10 years of one’s life?

Glad you are warning People . I was with my Dad for 22 years . I Lived in another Place for 6 years but primarily my Dad was home base for 22 years in Boston . My brother died, His GF Died so we started spending Holidays and then summers together and I eventually Moved in with him for short term but It turned into Longterm . My Sister and her husband Blew through the inheritance money they got from the mother In Law who supported them for 15 years - roughly $ 2 - $3 million in 2 and a Half years . They then targeted My father and Kidnapped him to California for Money . He Has vascular dementia and Alzheimers . he Probably has No idea where he is or who these people are . I think that you have to let it Go . You have the memories with him. Cant really cry Over spilled milk - get on with your Lives But Glad you are sharing with people your story . Thank You .

I'm so sorry this happened to you, SMK1968 and you're right about making sure everything is in writing. Your FIL and MIL sound like they were terrible people. When there's only two kids who would ever split an estate in such a grossly unfair way if they they're not terrible people?

Is there any way you can contest the Will? You and your husband? If it was changed in the last few years favoring the brother and the father had to live with the two of you because he needed care, an argument could be made that he had dementia.

I'd take that 30% you're getting and roll the dice by trying to break the Will. I'd do it out of spite for the brother.

I ALWAYS warn families, if they take in a senior, to see an elder law attorney and make a care contract. This contract should included "shared living expense for mortage (rental payment or other), cost of food and food preparation, cost of transport and appointments, cost of cleaning, and etc. It should not have "rental" as a word in contract as that has taxation repercussions.

The making of such a contract protects the family and protects the senior, who otherwise may be paying things and have it boomerang when they require Medicaid help in that it will be considering having "gifted". The family is then compensated as they give care.

As to wills, they can be changed without your knowledge in a second. One can hope that the family who provides the care will get the home, but that isn't what often happens.

Welcome to this Forum. By being here you help inform others who are giving care, and even those requiring care. It's a great place to make use of all you have learned.

My siblings & their spouses took advantage of mom’s physical & mental decline, extremely poor health & lack of mental capacity & convinced her to rewrite her Will & exclude me as a heir to her estate. I was mom’s primary care giver til they put her in a nursing home after she had a UTI w septicemia. I took care of mom for 11 years by myself. None of them were ever around. They never helped. They hired a notary to rewrite her Will excluding me as an heir to the estate. Mom’s attorney had no idea. She lacked mental capacity when this Will was done. The few items bequeathed to me are missing or were intentionally buried w her. Now I gotta contest her Will & WIN!! It’s a huge CF! My BIL signed the Will as a witness which is wrong! I have a huge, stressful, expensive fight ahead of me. A friend told me 2 important rules; 1. Family will “F” ya first & 2. If it’s more than $5, it’s business. I (none of them!) spent a lot of my money & time making sure my mom was taken care of & that she had a nice home to live in. It’s all about the money. I’m disabled. I was counting on some inheritance to help me w medical bills & medications. Mom & I built this home together. Our home will be for sale next month. All 3 of my siblings are executors. They will share the money from the sale of a million dollar home & I get a rosary. Mom refused to put my name on the property deed or any other paperwork for the house when it was built. I didn’t see that one coming either

A person writing or having a Will written is under no obligation to share the contents of the Will with anyone.
If compensation is wanted or needed then a contract should be written providing compensation for caregiving. Compensation for caregiving is not done after the person dies.

What I call those types are cockroaches and the end game rodents. Never see them until a financial gain is in their sights. It is quite the sickening thing to witness and bear through, especially if you have to be around those people at events, holidays, etc. They will allow you to do everything, constantly and non-stop and watch you dissolve to nothing.

Currently, after decades of helping with little to no assistance from family members , they are trying to push the medical directive onto us for MIL. Whom has tons of health issues and can't drive, walk without assistance and is abusive with her diabetes. An on going health diaster laced with nasty, disrespectful behavior, except when after something,

I understand completely.

The vultures always come out when someone is near death or after someone dies.

Some family members lose sight of what is most important. First and foremost, the money should be spent on their parent’s care.

Parents worked hard for their money and so often undeserving children end up with it. It is sad when the caregivers don’t get their fair share.

It is especially sad when a sibling coerced a parent to change the will.

I know someone who did this shortly before her dad died. Her sister was the caregiver. Her dad had a brain tumor and she convinced him to change his will to screw her sister.

Her sister fought back and contested the will because of their dad’s brain tumor.

This happens more often than you would imagine with siblings. My greedy brother had my mom’s changed so he got 100%.

I sure hope karma gets him!