Mother (78) acting childlike (non-stop hyperness, talking and questioning) and I feel guilty for feeling angry and irritated. How to cope?

I feel you! I work for a medical group home for older adults. There’s a particular person there that repeats herself NONSTOP. She will ask over and over to use the restroom the ENTIRE time you are walking down the hall to get her wheelchair, get her in it, get her into the bathroom, she does her business, washes her hands, and goes back to her activity; STILL asking to use the restroom. Some days I want to pull my hair out lol. They really can’t help it most of the time. But I want to let you know your emotions and feelings are 100% valid!! Also, kudos to you for taking her on outings! BIG pat on the back for you! I have several siblings, but I can’t rely on them to chauffeur my elderly mom, who (bless her) moves as slow as a snail. When she has an appointment or needs to shop I make sure to have nothing planned for the day, because I won’t accomplish one thing lol. Keep your chin up!! You’re a good person for what you do. Take care of yourself and keep on keeping on!!!

There is a woman like you describe at my father's memory care. The aides distract her by asking her for help when she annoys the other residents. It's the constant moaning and complaining. I have tried to address her concerns, but she really doesn't want help. So I just smile at her and keep it light. Just some kind of routine she has to go through. I suspect her natural anxiety stepped up a notch with the dementia. When she doesn't understand what someone else is trying to tell her she says she can't hear, but she hears just fine. In fact, she is in very good health. Her brain just can't keep up. I have to think this is some kind of hell.

It's really so NOT helpful to read comments about how these are "our parent that didn't get to sign an application to have this happen to them. Always remember that!!!!" Not to mention "Remember, she's your mother, she has that right. She's the parent. Blah blah BLAH." Nothing like finger-wagging & judgment from others when reaching out for support, huh? It's ok to feel badly sometimes. It's ok to get frustrated. It's ok to get upset and to BE HUMAN.

Dealing with dementia and our elderly parents is probably THE hardest thing we'll ever have to do in life. Bar none. I can't give you any sage advice, I can only say "I feel your pain" and empathize with your situation. Be careful with the chocolate, too.........I wound up gaining an awful lot of weight over the past 4 years from comfort eating as a coping mechanism to deal with my dad's illness and passing, and my mother's narcissism & dementia. Now nothing fits & I feel awful, so all the 'comfort' I got from the 'comfort food' is now causing me great DIScomfort. Sigh. The endless conundrum.

Best of luck and remember this: YOU ARE DOING THE BEST YOU CAN and I applaud your efforts!!!

g-daugter Good news, xanax comes in a liquid. Also is a dissolvable under the tongue tablet...I can't swallow pills either. :)

The elder with dementia is many times turning into childlike behavior patterns. I just witnessed this with my SIL at the holidays when she communicated better with her 2 y.o. grandson. She has Alzheimer's.

In the beginning and even sometimes now after 3yrs of dealing with my mother's dementia I become frustrated with the comments, her lack of understanding of how to do something as simple as answering the phone, but then I remember it is this awful disease not her. She is not doing this on purpose. She is trying her best and this is not her choice. It is extremely hard to transition from child to parent, for both of us. Luckily she is very deaf so she does not hear my grumbling and if a smile is on my face she will not be hurt by my words. Others have made excellent suggestion on getting help. Do not feel guilt in asking for help. If help is not available try distraction when on the bus. Point out stores and things you are passing maybe she's bored. The repetitions can drive you crazy but try not to take what your mom is saying personally. Can she knit or crochet? My mom hadn't knitted in 30 or more yrs yet I was able to get her started making scarves. It takes her forever and we often have to start over but she is doing something. Keep your chin up. You are doing a good job.

Could it be that the looks you are getting are actually understanding, supportive looks? Most everyone has been affected by someone with dementia. It sounds like you are a wonderful patient daughter. This disease is just soooo @$&#%* hard!! Thank you for all you do. ❤️

Awfully tired of hearing "poor, "poor me from caregivers. I am one also. Mom has dementia and has done the same thing. Just remember that we weren't angels back in the day and they had to put up with us. Think about it people! And there not so called "toddlers" they are our parent that didn't get to sign an application to have this happen to them. Always remember that!!!!

I struggled with this for a long time. I felt so bad that I cried and begged God to help me stop. Remember this one saying each time you are tempted to get impatient and angry:
A PERSON WITH DEMENTIA IS NOT “GIVING” YOU A HARD TIME.
A PERSON WITH DEMENTIA IS “HAVING” A HARD TIME. And then Imagine yourself when you are having a hard time remembering things or doing something.

I can relate, it's annoying when someone says the same thing continuously. My dad likes to mention things he wants or needs to do. It's difficult for him to accomplish things, and so he keeps asking me to. Plus, he asks questions about things when an event is coming. what date is it, so on.

I figure, let him get it off his chest and so he can temporarily put his mind at rest. I use to answer quickly, but then i realized he wants to vent. I wait until he's done talking, and say okay.

Oh my gosh, I have the same problem with father in law (89) the stupid things that come out of the mouth, all the time. If we go somewhere he is like a excited kid, oh my gosh. When we get the visiting nurse he treats her like dirt. There is one thing that has never change is people, he is not a people person. Does not get along with anyone, yet he will talk to a person when food shopping. He thinks he know it all, telling us what to do. We are grown up and retired from work. My husband always defends him. I do understand but got no help in shutting him up. I see many out there with the same problem no answers yet.

First don't feel badly, what you are doing (caring for her daily) is both loving and very difficult in so many ways. Now having said that, the fact is she isn't dong this on purpose or because she is aware of how annoying it is, she isn't trying to be hard on you even though it sure seems that way sometimes. So keeping that in mind you have the power to make this harder for yourself and you have the power to make it at least somewhat easier, it is always going to wear on you to some degree sometimes. If you can remind yourself that she isn't knowingly being a PIA and try to put yourself in her place when you feel your frustration building, I know for me at least doing this often brings me back a bit and gives me a little better perspective sometimes. The other tool we use, my brother is really good at it, is to make a bit of a joke out of it, "hasn't changed much from 5 min ago" or "you remind me of car trips with David when he was 5" or "you must be really excited about getting there!" "Isn't it funny how it feels like the trip always feels longer one way? Maybe it's the anticipation"...turn it into conversation or something for her to ponder. My mom will realize she must have just asked that or told me something when she's sharper and ask, "did I ask you that already?" and I say yes but I don't mind hearing it again, making light of it so we can often laugh. I often say I do that all the time too even and laugh it off, makes it lighter for me and less stress for her, if I get and express that I'm annoyed or stressed by her questions it just makes her more stressed, making the repeated questions worse and the vicious circle get's tighter. It isn't always possible, let's be real and it doesn't always work but it often does still for us, thank goodness. My brother is a bit more brutal, I think anyway but Mom takes it in stride and he has a way of making his point but laughing it off well so it never sets her off the way I expect. Drives him nuts when she says "I never knew that" or "I never heard that" when she most certainly has, in fact we have spent a lot of time telling her about whatever it is and he will say, "No,you may not remember hearing that but you certainly have". Not really important I guess, what's important is he is able to express what frustrates him without letting it build and without getting so cross with her that she does the same (and ends up in tears or simply not speaking, you can feel the chill when she gives it). Most of it is just about caring for your frame of mind and mood, that so often cares for theirs as well.

The other suggestion I have is to look into public transport services in your area. Where my mom is the public transportation services, that run the bus line, offer van pick up and drop off to people who qualify for medical reasons. Mom qualifies because with her aphasia she is unable to get herself to and from the bus stop or take the bus on her own (even if she thinks she can) sounds like your mom can't do this on her own either and they provide rides at .50 one way to doctors appointments, grocery shopping, event's at senior center (if she went) or just to visit friends. They pick her up at the house and bring her home, someone can ride with her for free if she needs assistance, this might help you at least not have to deal with the bus if she can't be alone at all and offer a way for someone else to accompany her perhaps if that works, a friend or family member, student to accompany her to grocery store for instance. It does sound like you need to give yourself a break, more time away from her, let others help take up some of the slack. I know I get to that place and have to give myself some relief, my brother does too and we are fortunate to have each other to recognize that and make it happen but there are others out there wanting to help and still others willing to help (sometimes for a fee, sometimes not) but look into some ways to lighten your load, a fresh perspective can help.<3

Soooo Understand. So wish we could buddy up with others so the demented could have each other and the caregivers have each other for support. I don't do well at this either. So easy for "experts" and compassionate others to throw in their words of support, but in the the moment...especially with other issues and responsibilities, it is such a hassle. So hard. The other day mom had her hair appt (once very 2 weeks because the energy it takes to cope with+ expense+ the hassle of getting her dressed and ready on time) and on the way to work I got a text from the nail person in the same spot that she was sick could we reschedule. So appreciated not being exposed, but mom will not let me do her nail filing and she has filth under them from playing with the dirt in a pot of a plant she has killed. Now what. Luckily able to reschedule with a nail person under the same roof...but an hour after the hair would be done. What to do for an hour? Went to grocery. She did okay, better than the repetitive conversation which I think is just their way of coping with anxiousness when out of the familiar environment and feeling overwhelmed. She needs to follow me. Attracted to the pickles, snacks, candy....we went back and she was oblivious to having been there an hour earlier. Nail person was clueless and not going to clean the dirt out. She offered to let her use a nail brush! She's not going to do that or understand that...I offered to pay whatever just to get them done. Grateful our ride is around 10 minutes. Often she plays with snap closure of her purse. Maddening. Reward myself with a piece of good chocolate:-) I'm guessing the answer for both of us is getting someone else in the picture to assist, but that is not cheap.

Hi Greentree. Something that helps with my 78 year old “toddler”, is I play a solo mental game seeing how many times my mom complains, asks the same questions, gets distracted in the store and stares at the cans of vegetables or rows of crackers VS what my predictions were. It keeps me mentally challenged and lets me focus on keeping track of actual times vs my guesses. It’s still exhausting and frustrating, but it breaks up me focusing only on her constant talking and complaining that takes place. I also try and look at it as an adventure for my mom. The world as we know it, is a giant maze where everything and everyday items are foreign to her. Even though the trips are sometimes torture for me, they do calm down her agitation and anxiety afterwards. She then asks if we can go back to her living facility ( that she repeatedly tells me she hates) where she knows the routine. She actually makes a beeline to the front door! Hugs to you as you muster through.

Now, looking back to when I first started caring for my mom, I wonder why her questions bothered me so much. For example, she would ask every time we got in the car if there was gas, then asked again in 3 minutes, seeming to me in my somewhat rational mind (I'm an artist, so not overly rational) that she thought I wouldn't know to put gas in the car. After 7 years of caring for her, I see she was just trying to stay in the world the same way she was when my dad was alive. He apparently didn't mind such questions. And over and over the questions would come exactly as you describe about where we were going and how long would it take and did she have her purse and her money and and and. I eventually got much more patient with her and now I answer the very same questions over and over and over and it doesn't bother me, as I've come to see life a little bit from her side. Calmness in the answers help. Anger does not. I like the suggestions to have others take her shopping sometimes. That she can still get out is great for her, but for you it is not at all pleasant, and she needs you to be patient with her, so take breaks from the outings and wait to hear about them when she returns.

You need a break. Look into services at your local council on aging.

Remember, she's your mother, she has that right. She's the parent. The other thing is the love aspect, again, she's your mother & family, love is the most important thing, so make that the guiding force in your responses to her.

GreenTree, I know it’s difficult to hear them repeating all the time. Many times I’d have to act like that was the first time I’d heard it. I like the idea of either giving her an iPod or something similar with her favorite music and earbuds. Or you do the same for you. Also, consider going shopping alone!! Partially for the break and respite that your mind and soul needs from caregiving. Find someone to come in and be with mom...and don’t let her say she doesn’t want a stranger...it’s not her call. Just like when you were a child and she would have a sitter come be with you. Roles are reversed now. And yes, if you would, fill out your profile so we know what is your mom's diagnosis etc.. it is helpful to us who respond. Find ways to get care for her so you can take much needed breaks.

My father used to do that, and my mother is like a bull in a china shop, no patience whatsoever, so I took over...perhaps can you have an visiting aide sit with her for awhile while you get things done and run errands? My father was like "A kid in a candy store" at 79....and I wish he was still here for that kind of "Chatter"...surely I didn't understand a word he was saying with his dementia but I would give anything to hear his voice again.

I am grateful that my elderly "toddler" is a very quiet one, though she is really good at the evil eye.  That all changes when she gets a UTI......non-stop, loud talking.  One day we spent 4 hours in the ER waiting room.  It was school vacation in New Hampshire, and there were some kids waiting from ski accidents.  It was icy, and there'd been falls.  It was flu season, and many were there for that.  After awhile my aunt began loudly asking "Well, what are we waiting for?"  "NOW what are we waiting for?"  Luckily I was still calm, though tired, and not embarrassed.  I said loud enough for her to hear, things like, we're waiting for your blood tests, lots of people are sicker than us, everyone here is waiting, etc.  She got lots of smiles and nods.  She also got taken and treated sooner.

By the way, I stopped taking her shopping early on.

My dad does that as well, he constantly asks questions, most of them are just the same question over and over within seconds of each other. He talks a lot and most of it is nonsense. But he also says some very uncomfortable things that make me want to tell him to just “stop taking already!!” For example, my uncle (his brother) was visiting. He didn’t know who either of us were at the time and he kept talking about how we should get married to each other.

It’s human to get irritated. Parents get annoyed with their children when they do that, but it’s much more difficult when it’s your parent who is an adult. It gets frustrating, but it’s also awkward, which makes it worse.

First have the doctors review her meds! So often the elderly have negative psychological reactions to different medications and/or combinations of meds.
Secondly...all I can do is virtually wrap my arms around you!! Over the past few years my mom’s (81) paranoia has gone thru the roof. She recently fell and fractured a lower lumbar vertebrae and I have been constant caregiver. I sometimes feel like I’m losing my mind and find myself yelling at her like a child. I am grateful to have a separate area of the house to escape to for a few hours.
Medications can often have an adverse effect, but my mom finds some relief with a low dose of Xanax sometimes.

I feel the same way and this is such a helpful thread! My mom talks so much now, seems like so much more than she ever used to. She is currently staying with me and wants to read me word for word every email she gets or tell me everything about every phone call she gets or read me whatever she is reading. I am accustomed to quiet and have problems with aphasia (difficulty finding words) due to a medication I have to take so I prefer to write, text or read than speak on the phone or even speak in person. I speak two languages and that also is a factor - sometimes I can't find the word in my first language (English) but can find it in the second one (Spanish) which she does not understand and so she gets annoyed. Listening to her being so demanding, on and on and questioning me - often in a very judgmental manner - is SO very stressful. Sometimes I've responded sharply and often I've taken refuge in my room just to step away and calm down. She frequently poses questions regarding something she disapproves of, like, "does (person) always do that/act like that? Why do they do that? That's stupid. They need to (whatever she thinks they should do.) "Stupid" is her favorite word now for anything she disagrees with. The chatter and demanding questioning makes me feel like I am being hounded, seriously exhausts and annoys me and makes me want to escape.

When we have to drive somewhere, she constantly asks how far it is, where we turn next, when will we get there? She has anxiety even when we are at home so she is generally wound up.

What do I do that I feel best about?
When possible, I do try to make her feel listened to with responses like, "I can understand why you'd feel that way" or the multipurpose "hmmm" or "wow." When I am so stressed that I am at my wits end, I excuse myself to go to the rest room or to another room with some "urgent" task and stay there until I feel up to coming out again! I also stay up several hours after she goes to bed so that I can enjoy time of my own and catch up with email, bills, and things I enjoy. Though she gets up super early, I sleep in later. It is my own personal boundary, imperfect but it has helped me stay sane so far.

Like was mentioned, sometimes it is like my children chattered, but as one of them died young, I am reminded how much I would love to be able to hear the voice of my late son again, as well as my late father and mother-in-law. So there is that sorrow and guilt at feeling tired of the constant talking for I know one day, there will be no more, I'll wish I'd done something differently, that one day I'll be old myself and may do the same thing (I hope not! I don't want my kids to feel this way.)

Also, I think the chatter partly could be that she is a widow, no partner to talk with about the days events and she doesn't have the daily workload that I do so doesn't feel as stretched. It is her world, and she of course wants to share it with someone. That is fine, but I wish there were a lot less talk and that makes me feel guilty. In about two weeks she will move into her new independent living cottage and I'll get a bit of a break then so I'm looking ahead with hope to that. I hope she will make new friends and become involved in the activities there so that will keep her somewhat more entertained and won't be as completely dependent on me!

It has also occurred to me that her negativity about the things she disapproves of is probably due to just not being happy with her life in general. Socially she had surrounded herself with church friends and religious programming, so that has been her world. Lots of that programming focuses on "last days" prophecies and her church's interpretation of them. There is a lot of fear mongering, and she sees every weather event or news story in that slanted perspective and she loves to watch the news and weather channels all day, thrives on watching constant disaster reports.

Just wondering, would your mom be soothed by some earbuds with music? (Or a radio)? I'd like to try it for my mother also, but she's kinda uncooperative lately. Hoping the best for u.

Very difficult indeed, I'm sure that would bother me also! Great ideas from Weeble & from 97. I feel your pain, will pray 4u.✌

At first, when our mother would start this, it was like fingernails on a chalkboard, and I felt like it was driving me mad. I'm getting better at dealing with it, though I still have my bad days. I think of it as Mom asking the question for the very first time, so I just answer. That is often very helpful for me. I also am very slowly figuring out (and it's not an exact science) which questions I should respond to, and which ones I don't. Sometimes she's just talking out loud, as if she's trying to figure things out. The other responders are right. There's no right or wrong here, as long as you don't hurt yourself.

I hope you are able to take care of yourself, first. As caregivers, we get so burned out by only taking care of others. My health began to suffer from the stress of caregiving. I attend a caregiver support group, taking tai chi, and this online blog - it helps to know others who understand what we're going through.

LOL at 97's response but heh, it may help.

You have nothing on your profile concerning Moms health? Please fill it in and something about you. Makes it easier when u have multiple post to have profile info to refer to.

How old is Mom. Does she have Dementia? If she does, this will cause the constant talking like a 2 yr old. And since reasoning is the first ability they lose, you probably won't get her to stop. Like a toddler, I didn't pay attention. I think they just talk and say whatever comes into their mind. Just a yes, hmmm, every so often may help.

I notice my aunt speeds up the nervous chatter when she has an appointment. The worst is from when she finds out she has one until she gets in the car. So I don’t tell her until all we have to do is get in the car. Then for about 15 min the novelty of being out entertains her. But she will start asking over again and again where we are going and why. She’ll remind me that she feels good, no need to go. (She always feels good. The James Brown song could be her theme.) I know she’s just nervous. It’s easier for me because we aren’t on a bus but it would be the same thing. She would be fascinated with the other passengers, insist she knows them. Etc.
We now give her 1/2 anxiety pill and it really helps. She actually seems to enjoy the whole outing then. You might ask her doctor about it. Since you are on a bus I think I would try it at home first. Take a walk with her and see how she does.
Heres another tip.
You take the other half of the pill.

Does she always expect a reply, or is it mostly just non stop chatter? Something that saved my sanity when doing child care was foam earplugs - seriously. You can still hear, it's just at a lower volume and easier to ignore.