My 85 year old mother came home from the senior center with a man she wants to date who is only 65, what should I do?

This one is about my mother who is 85 and started dating a 65 year old man - who - has been a friend of my sisters and her husband for 40 years - - in fact he did have a fling with my married sister as he always loved her - but as she was married and didnt want leave her husband of 40 years. she broke it off last year. This 65 year old is now taking my mum out and she stayed at his house vice versa - I am now really concerned. She does not have dementia but is vulnerable...being alone for so long. ..I dont know what to think. I dont like this situation...will he try and embezzle money what are his intentions? I dont trust him for some reason...help

We just went through this this week. FIL 87 goes to Mc Donalds where he is approached by an 64 yo woman who claims to remember him . He has no recollection, but they chat AND make a DATE! She calls him repeatedly when he gets home, he is all excited (and actually takes a bath and puts on fresh clothes :) ) !! Next day, they meet and she takes him to walmart and has him open a credit card, which of course she can use and buys her a tv. Next day, yesterday, they meet and she asks for cash, he comes home and I overhear a conversation that makes me curious. Start asking questions and he never realized that she opened an account. We were able to shut it down, changed his debit card and then the fun started trying to get the tv back...pure scam, this morning spent trying to fill out a police report. Surprisingly Walmart has been quite helpful. How do you keep them from harm all day when they drive and think they know more than their kids/ Crazy making!

YES! You should definitely intervene. There is a lot of FINANCIAL elder abuse out there. This is a common scam. The scammers "befriends" the seniors, manipulate them into thinking they are in love. Get married, and then transfers all her assets to him/her. You could contact the KEEP-SAFE coalition. This is a non-profit: stands for Keep Every Elder Protected-Stop Abuse and Financial Exploitation.

((((((Picksixer)))))) - glad it is resolved, for now and your mum has a companion.
To anyone going through this - I can speak from both points of view - I am 75 and have had younger men interested in the resources I have, and also younger men who wanted a real relationship, It is wise for you to keep an eye on her companions - wealthy or otherwise. In my experience, someone younger is not necessarily interested in money,though, certainly, some are. I think for your mum's welfare, particularly since she has alz/dementia, you should meet anyone who shows more than a passing interest in her. I shared about my "friends" with my children, and introduced my sig other to them, and found/find their feedback helpful. Hopefully you are clearer now about your role as regards POA, and protecting your mum.

She no longer is seeing him and we have heard nothing about him for months. Now she sees an older guy about 82 who sits and talks with her at the senior center two or three times a week. He lives close by and appears to be very wealthy.

Where is pixsixter. I hope she has not been conned by this guy.
She did mention letting him to drive mom?

Dear M1953: There have been TV stories describing exactly the scenario your family went through. True, it's too late now for your family to explore any financial recovery, but I hope Picksixer, Concerned 85 and others have a clear picture of what these potential vultures are capable of. If an elder is mentally impaired or even showing signs of poor judgement (they tend to become very trustuing of "kind" strangers and often reveal personal financial info), they set themselves up for scamming. We all need to be very vigilant in this regard to protect them against this. Someone else in this post mentioned diagnosing dementia issues. It's very important that if we suspect this, to talk to our elder's doctor and have cognitive testing done as often as possible, so that medical records document the condition and its progression. I would suggest keeping your own written records as well (dates, situations, descriptions of questionable elder behavior or reasoning). This could be a valuable resource when we need to take action to prevent unscrupulous people from taking advantage of our beloved elders who cannot physically or mentally protect themselves, as well as to get them the professional care they need but may object to, such as home health aides, home nursing, or even recommendation for a nursing home.

Just letting people know:
When I answer some posters, I have not had time or ability to access their back-stories first.
SO, usually, I post information any number of people might take advantage of.

Picksixer--
----POA is only partial protection.
----A Legal / medical statement of Incompetency is very important,
----filing to block credit-report inquiries, by contacting the 3 main credit reporting agencies.
----Statement filed at her bank to let bank people know that Mom is not competent to make any transactions, and, give bank and her investment manager a copy of your POA .

As others stated, types who prey on confused elders, can get around your POA:
---By taking her to her bank to draw out of the "joint" account and by ---searching for her investments by starting at her bank account,
---or simply, by "harvesting" her jewelry right off her, then it is suddenly "gee we were walking along, and it got lost somewhere".
----he could take her to a Justice of the Peace or City Hall,
or anywhere, and married her
----especially in a joint property State, or even just a different State.
...he'd be able to get his mitts on her estate--or at least 1/2 of it, or whatever he could grab at despite any court actions to put the brakes on his actions. If he takes her over a State line, all sorts of advantages are his [[although, if he's caught at it, that could be a larger liability for him!]] .

WORSE:
IF there is NO document proving her inability to take care of her affairs,
and that she is incompetent to sign legal documents,
ANYONE can take her by the hand, bluff their way into making new documents happen that exclude you and your family.

[[we had something like that happen in our family; it couldn't be reverted to the original will made while she had her mind intact
----all because there was NOT ONE documented mention that her mind was going, or that she was incompetent in any way.
-----What that meant was, no matter how crooked the new lawyer and her brother in law who made revised/new will, the rest of the family, who basically got cut out of the new will, could do very little---except to get the Executorship changed to another relative, and to get the crooked lawyer and his lawyer son reported to CA State Bar Assoc.
--the whole process took over 10 years just to get that much progress.]]

IF an elder is still "getting by", appearing "regular" at least some of the time, she could fool other people into thinking she is fine to sign legal documents.
It is mind-boggling how demented a person can actually be, and still be "assisted" to make a new will, or to sign legal documents!!

LACK of a Judge's or Doctor's statement proving Incompetency, is a significant problem NO POA can help.
As long as NO document proves incompetency to sign legal documents, she could be "Assisted" to sign new documents of all kinds;
---the guy could take her anywhere, find a new lawyer;
---make new POA in his favor,
---does not even need to marrying her,
---and yet take all assets and none of her responsibilities.

Anyone with a POA access to someone's affairs,
can get listings of all accounts and assets from a credit reporting agency. Banks do it all the time: every time someone opens a new account, they pull up all that information.

Kinda guessing, IF he is a threat to her,
he might still be on a fishing expedition to learn what she has,
and how easy it is to get at it.
Simply staging a dinner inviting him,
-- far from your home, public,
and low-class [like McDonald's or something!],
Then have conversations like:
Bring up elder care and retirement issues, in context with the economy.
That usually gets just about everyone excited, and things get said.
He might spill some of his beans, accidentally,
Talk about how financially tough things are for everyone [general terms].
Maybe ask what his religious preferences are, what are his philosophies.
Then, you continue with things like:
"Wow! Elder care can be so expensive and complicated.";
"Mom hasn't been herself for sometime"; and
"We are so blessed mom had foresight to put her legal affairs in tightly controlled order, before they were needed,"

Good luck! Keep us all posted!

Chi

Dear orangeblossom5: Only one problem, she's now deceased, so I figure she got her dues when she got before the good Lord! But thanks anyhow! She had no children, just nieces & nephews!

Dear Concerned 85: You have a serious situation (similar to Picksixer, but maybe you should post your story and start your own thread), You should definitely listen to M1953! M1953, I think your family may still have recourse. No insurance company likes to get scammed. If she got his life insurance, I would have a chat with the ins co's legal department (make an appt) and explain the woman's history. They might likely conduct their own investigation, relieving you of getting your uncle's siblings cooperation.

Dear concerned85: I feel for you, same thing happened with my favorite uncle. I had been in contact with him my entire life, he & my aunt had divorced, but I still saw both of them, whom I love deeply! Anyway, after his divorce, he met a gal that was about 20 years younger than he, he was smitten, a bleached blonde, hotty toddy! She had outlived 5 husbands & would brag about it! My uncle had no children so me & my siblings were his children! If he wasn't calling me & my siblings, to check on us, he was severely ill, which never happened! So when the calls quit coming, I would call him to see how he was. The hotty toddy would answer the phone & my uncle was asleep, at work or out mowing & would call me back. At first I thought okay, thank you! Then when a week would go by & no call back, which was not my uncle, then I called again, would get the same speel! After weeks & weeks of this, I got worried! But she would not have him call me! When I finally saw him at my grandpa's wake, his dad, then I really knew something was wrong! Bear in mind that this woman not only had outlived 5 men, she had also been a nurse, was now retired! To make a long story short, my uncle was not himself at the wake, ignored our whole family, his eyes didn't look right, looked pale & sickly! I had never been around my uncle but what he would hug me so tight I thought I would pop! He had always been that way! Here he is at grandpa's wake & wouldn't even look at me or speak to me! In a few months, my uncle was dead! My mother was called by his wife to tell him that he was in the hospital, my mom & siblings rushed to the hospital, he had been deceased when the wife had called, strange!!! My mom & sister & brothers walked into his room, he had been dead 2 hours prior, the nurse told them. At the wake she even tried to keep his family from the funeral home! His death certificate stated he died of a rare, only genetic, brain tumor, I have a friend that is a doctor, who told me rat poison would cause that! No one in our family had ever had that! So we know that she killed him as sure as I breath! She got by with it! My mother was told unless she could get all of his living siblings to sign a petition to have an investigation done, then nothing could be done, they wouldn't all sign for it! It haunted my mom the rest of her life, as well as the rest of her family! My uncle was a wonderful man, served in the Korean war, worked hard & was scammed! Oh, his will originally split between me & my 4 siblings, but after she got in the picture, it was all hers, including what my grandpa had willed to my uncle, now that is wrong! Nothing could be done! He was nothing to her but $$$$$$! To us he meant everything!

People out there beware of all the crazies in the world, they are wolves in sheeps clothing! Protect your loved ones, once they get moved in, you can't do a thing!

I pray for you & totally feel for you!

I would definitely investigate the situation. And put a hold or slow it down immediately. I am in the same boat with my father. The women moved in within a month of them dating. We have tried everything to get my father to get out. This women has tried to push the whole family away and she is completely in his business. She lives off of my father who is 80 years old and she is 60. My father gets extremely angry at us when we tell him what is really going on. It is to far gone for us but you still have time. This woman is going to wipe my father clean like she did the last man. (We had spoken to the kids(adults) from her 3rd husband)

Eveyone is giving such good advice. I really do feel for this person taking care of mom. I'm a few months short of 85. I care for my husband who is 80 with dementia. A few minutes ago he made me cry. I had worked real hard all day and was watering some plants outside. When I came in the house he looked at me so sturn that I asked, is something wrong? Did I do something wrong? His answer was, Yes you did. It was more than I could hold back, tears flooded. That of course caused him not to tell me what I did wrong. My point is, I don't have problems compared to this. My prayers are for you.

I wouldn't be allowing him to give her rides back & forth to the senior center, just enough time for him to scam her!

Absolutely intervene! There are a lot of people preying on the elderly, and this is one of the scams. They befriend a significantly elder person, promise their love and devotion, marry them, and then claim the inheritance. This is serious, and fall in the category of Financial elder abuse. The KEEP-SAFE coalition in the South Bay teach the public community about this exact scam!

I am sure you are busy but don't wait for disaster. Go to the bank immediatly and explain the situation. Put a hold on all her accounts so that she must have your OK for any transactions. Then give the Police Dept a call. Give them the information. If he is a Con man they may already know about him or can find out what he is up to. If your Mother finds out just tell her you love her and want to be sure she is protected. I keep my 96 year old Mother. If some 76 year old man came hanging around I'd sure wonder what he was after. When people get older they tend to tell everything they know to anyone who smiles at them. This guy may know all about your Mothers' finances and anything she knows about yours or anything of value in your home. Don't wait---better safe than sorry.

Your mom must still be quite the looker! I'd first off ask my mother in an unobtrusive way, "Mom, why do you feel this man is befriending you?" If she says he is only an acquaintance, I would ask your mother "what is his marital status?" So many of these men are injecting themselves as con men preying on the elderly as everyone else has said, but in truth, he may just like your mother for the nice person she is. If things appear to be turning serious, definitely do not invite your mother to invite this stranger into your home. I'd do as the other suggest, and inquire about him at the Sr. Center. Then, I'd insist on meeting him at the Sr. Center. All your mother has to say is "my daughter would like to meet you" and if he is an unsavory character, bet he vamooses and she never sees him again. Thank God you keep the reins on your mother's assets, though. Good girl. Though if you have a joint account (and your mother is a signer) be sure she doesn't take that checkbook with her to the center.

People be aware, that it was a lady that worked at the Department on Aging, even gives seminars on how the elderly can be scammed that tried to scam my friend's husband, had him change his will, had him sign another POA, he had dimentia but had not been diagnosed! My friend went through a lot to just get this mess straightened up! Don't think that because it's the department on aging that it is safe, scam artists there too, think all these people ought to be background checked & should not be allowed to work with the elderly! Plenty of good people out there in the world that wouldn't do that to the elderly, don't know why these places don't background check & limit who works there! This gal ended up loosing her job, was sued for also scamming other elderly men, then got a crooked judge in our area to get her job back & is right back in same job & giving seminars on "how elderly can be scammed", so look out & trust no one unless you know they can be trusted!

I would not wait for this to play out, will cost you too much! I don't agree with let her "have her happiness & have something to live for," she isn't herself, due to the dimentia, can be too easily scammed! Remember one thing, if it smells like a skunk, "it's a skunk!" If it walks & quacks like a duck, "it's a duck!" You already are uncomfortable, this guy could actually be dangerous, in this day & age you have to be very, very careful whom you allow around not only your mother but your family too! Just be very careful how you deal with it, background check first & go from there! He may not have a record, but I have this gut feeling he does!

Good luck!

She could do another POA, another will, happened to a friend of mine with her husband & was a person that worked with the elderly! So make sure she is diagnosed with the alzheimers or dimentia, only safety net you have, because after that she is not mentally capable of making new decisions! If not diagnosed, then another POA & will could be done prior to diagnosis! Also happened to my sister's husband's grandmother, met a man younger than her at a soup kitchen she was helping out at, ended up marrying the homeless guy, he stole her blind & she was left with nothing, he disappeared! Men & women target the elderly! Watch out, I would pull him to the side & tell him that he is never to come around your mother again! Tell him you will have him arrested if he does & go & get a restraining order! Think you will have to have a reason for the order, so do your homework prior to, I guarantee you will find some dirt on him, he can't be legitimate or wouldn't be bothering with an elderly woman, 20 years his senior! He could even be wanted for such things, might be a warrant on him, so not going to the police could prevent him from being caught! Good luck & God Bless, Marilyn

Dear Picksixer and others,
I want to share this with you. My father is 97 was seeing a woman 75. She is very nice and is well off. They worked together years ago. After my mother, and her husband passed away, she contacted him. He would bring her to family get togethers and she invited him to her home for dinner. They also would go to other functions some casual others more formal. This was when he was still a sharp dresser and in good health. In the last year he has shown signs of failing. He will wear the same clothes all week with spots on them. His closet is full of nice, pressed clothes. When I mention the condition of the clothes, he will say, "It's OK I'm just hanging around." In the mean time he will go to the store, people will come over, and here he is looking like, for better words, a------------ HOBO! His eye sight is not good, so I believe he may not see the stains. Because he get's up very early I don't see what he puts on. I try to get his dirty clothes before he has a chance to put them on again. I've noticed that his lady friend never invites him to anything any more and doesn't visit him. She will call but that's about it. I feel sorry for him. To me a good friend is someone who cares and should be more understanding. So if your mother's new friend is checked out and is OK, then I think he will sooner or later know it's not a situtation for him. Good Luck!

Awh, I'm sorry. You would want to trust there are good people out there in this world but totally trust your inner voice. Good luck to you.

Let her have some happiness! It may wear off later, but for now her mind is alive and she has something to live for. You have control of everything, so be glad for her. It is most likely one sided anyway. Old men do the same thing. Enjoy seeing her like this and grow close as she shares it with you. It's OKAY!

Please consider contacting your Area Agency on Aging, or Aging professionals in your area. These folks have an amazing amount of information, can offer guidance, and support for you and your Mother. Have you thought about a caregiver support group for yourself?
You deserve it!!

Does POA help if he takes her to the bank and she draws out money and gives it to him and he disappears? Joint account is still hers too.
Or if he takes her tu justice of peace. 0r if she makes out a new POA and revokes you and names him?
65 and 85 does not compute. Con men are very shrewd. Better safe than sorry.
Listen to Mag....it does happen. Please be proactive.

I am hoping that it is all above board and he just likes and cares about her. I lived in a retirement community with my older husband for a few years. I had several friends in their 80s, though I was only in my 50s. We went places together, and sometimes I drove them places. Maybe friendship is all it is. It is good to keep an eye open, but it might be innocent and actually a good thing.

My advice is to watch this romeo like a hawk. Make sure you have air tight control over your mom's assets.
Our family learned the hard way that these types lurk everywhere. In a relative's case, real professionals worked in a group. They watched obits and swooped in on a very vulnerable and gullible old man. Suspicious relatives tried to intervene despite the victim's stubborn faith in the thieves. It was too late. They completely wiped out his assets and disappeared. They were never caught.

Does anyone know where to begin to do a national background check? How do you know the websites listed on the internet are legitimate?

If he is only 65 and in a senior assisted center as a patient, then he may not be in his right mind and not able to comprehend that mom is 85. If they are simply enjoying each other's company, than relax. My mom thinks every man has a thing for her and we simply shrug it off. She can talk to a man in the grocery store and he was "flirting" with her. No. He was simply making small talk. Keep an eye on things and try to see what state of mind the younger man is in. He may not even realize that she feels this way towards him - as is the case for my mom. For peace of mind do a background search.

We are letting him give her rides back & forth to the senior center. He hasn't been taking her out so far. We have company all week and have been so busy that I haven't got around to getting a background check, but will do one next week. Thanks for all your support.

Yes Picksixer, I think we all are dying to know if you have resolved this problem - hope you will be able to update us soon!