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I am 65 and lost my wife 12 years back. My mother is 86 and and lost my father 25 years back. We are  staying together for last 8 years. She drives me crazy by doing everything which I tell her not to do do. Recently for last two years it is becoming practically impossible to cope with her. What do I do to improve my life.

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You might want to try a different approach. Instead of telling her what not to do, tell her what you need for her to do. Many times the elderly and/or infirm remember only the action described and not the "don't" part.
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Oh Sunny yes they do smoke,,, look at the age of most of them, they smoked for years and it;s one pleasure left to them in thier minds. My mother says she will be buried with a cig in her hand, and I believe her! My MIL is in a rehab now, and we bumped into his old secretary outside smoking . Once some staff came out and asked her to stop as it is a "non smoking facility" , as they all are now,,,LOL ), she told them that they could then feel free to roll her over to the area where all the employees smoke.. in plain view of the home with a picnic table...
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Dear Prakash12345, I know Your Mother Who's doing certain chores which You told Her not to do might irritate You but in time You will discover that these are only little things to be bothered worrying about. I'd say let Your Dear Mother be as She's not really doing any harm. Most likely Demensia or Alzheimers is lurking in the background? I'd suggest You mention Your concerns regarding Your Mother to Your Doctor so He can apply for an appointment with a Geriatrition to examine Your Mother. As for jumping ship I'd say forget it. Your Mother kneed's You by Her side now more than ever, similarly as She was always there for You.
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Endoffrayedrope, I have noticed that quite a few residents in ALF smoke. I was quite shocked, but they go out on the courtyard, patio, porch and picnic areas and smoke. Many are in wheelchairs and don't seem to be in the best of health, but as long as they are competent. I even see the staff doing it. So, I don't see why smoking would prevent your mom from gaining acceptance to a ALF.
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Hey, you guys have been a God Send, ... I was to the point where
Here I was convinced I was the only one going thru this particular hell( excuse my language). My Mom has never been
easy but now it's like a vindeta against me and my long suffering Husband, who by the way, is usually the ONLY voice of reason here. and a Prince.

She would most surely be in an ALF, except, she's an 88 year old smoker, oh yeah, with only mild COPD?????? Great mystery of life, right?

As soon as I can find a Caretaker or aSL facility to take her, she'll be there , but as this point I'm Slowly loosing my mind and trying despritely to keep my 50 year marriage together......
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RoxieB: We all MAY or quite definitely will have to give up a motor vehicle driving license. "You would hate for someone to take that right from me?" Okay, so how would you like to have vehicular manslaughter charge on your record?
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I see, prakash, she will not "slow down" and "be careful," even though her ability to do things is not what it once was?

Hmm. Good luck with that one. My grandmother was the same: she would shovel her own snowy sidewalks into her late 90s. She was that way - driven from inside to always continue doing whatever she could. If mom has no diagnosed or noticeable decrease in cognitive ability, then...

It's difficult to change who someone is in their later years. Perhaps it's time to "elder proof" the home by putting in non-slip mats in bathroom and other surfaces that are likely to get wet, and installing grab bars. If your mother has a doctor (a geriatrician, hopefully) that she sees, talking to her doctor privately about your concern about your mother may be helpful, and doctor may direct mom to start using walker, etc., to keep her from falling.

Hope this is helpful to you. The more specific you are here, on this Q&A forum, about what mom is experiencing, the better suggestions you will get. But... certainly sounds like a common problem, where an elder believes themselves still capable of what they've always been doing. It's a time of change for her. It's not easy for anyone.
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I think you have to talk freely with her and have to discuss all issues in both of us, I think you both need some refreshment so change little bit life style.
Ask her why you are not listen ? what you want actually?
Make some happy moment for her, realize her by doing some special things for her you son of her you want you mother back. You also needed her. And you having care for her so you are living limitation for her.
You are only 2 members in family and you have to live it by making happiest life.Each day is very important. We can not make time back so love it live it. Enjoy it.

Thank you
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Prakash, would your mother listen to her doctor if he were to tell her not to do certain things? Or do you need to hire a helper who can keep watch over here at all times? It's unclear to me if you currently reside in the US or on the subcontinent.

Do you have doctors nearby who can test her mental capacity? It sounds as though she may need full time supervision at this point.
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Dear sir,
I agree with you fully. But in my case its different. For your mother to take out vent you may be many people but I am alone. If I tell her not to spill water in the bathroom she will do it. A week back she fell in the bathroom and got injured. But still she is continuing the same. Ours was a orthodox family. These are nothing but sanskaras. Similarly I tell her many things to leave at this age. But she is doing everything that she was doing may be 50 years back.
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Is your mom still able to do all her own ADLs? You say mom has general age-related decline, no Alz or dementia... that you're aware of. Do you think she's starting to show some signs of being forgetful or confused, or is she just not thrilled about taking instructions from her child?

For a time, I set my father up in the finished basement here. I gave him a kitchenette area - refrigerator, pantry, microwave, hotplate, toaster, etc. - and lots of room for his things and his life, separate from my things and my life upstairs. It worked great, for the most part, to keep him content and out of my hair daily.

Is there extra room in your house, or can you make room, to mimic you both having your independent lives even while you're living together?
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These are still adults we are talking about that are still entitled to certain freedoms, and respect as long as they are not hurting them self or any one else for that matter or destroying personal property that does not belong to them ...!

Three of my mother of 80 years old, children, I being the oldest at 58 yrs old -- at one one time thought that her driving was a little annoying ...! An that maybe she should give up driving ...! I don't know about you all but I would hate for some one to take that right from me or any one else for that matter ...!

They are not children, an I don't believe they should be treated as such ...! Try putting yourself in their shoes, an see how you would like what you are doing to them ...!

Don't believe for one minute they still do not have the right to take care of them self, and their personal belongs such as doing their own laundry, and dressing them self in the choices they want or would make them happy ...!
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Watch the Teepa Snow videos. Just type in her name. You'll learn a lot how to deal w dementia persons. Shes funny too.
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You CANNOT continue on like this. You will have to change your living situation or mom will have to find alternate living conditions! The situation that you're in right now is very bad for your mental health!
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The reversal of roles from "mother raising son" to "son 'raising' mother" is a difficult one. I sympathize. Of course you did everything she told you to do, right? Think about her situation. My mother HATES for any of us to even suggest she change some aspect of her routine. She digs her heels in and fights, a lot like we kids did.

Maybe it's time for you guys to break up. Can mom live in an ALF? Can you also live independently? It's unlikely at your ages that either of you will "change" so maybe change out the living situation. You still have a long ways in front of you and I personally would go batty living with my mother and "trying" to get her to do my will. It just wouldn't work.

You most likely have her best interests at heart, but she may just see it as you being bossy. My mother told me off, big time, last year when she was trying to get an unnecessary surgery done. It was an epiphany for me that she really didn't respect me (or my sibs) and our concerns for her. She just wanted what she wanted. I stayed away for about 5-6 months and after that, we were fine. I quit trying to "run her life" and when she annoys me, I leave. Much better for both of us. Good luck with this.
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My mother is in an assisted living. I match her pants to a top and put a sign that says "next day clothes". Occasionally she "plays" with her clothes. I find them in the dirty clothes. Thrown in drawers. This upsets me since I wash her cloths. I just remade her bed, washed her dirty ones and put them on a shelf in her closet. Noticed yesterday that she had remade her bed. She has never done this. I could tell by the way it was made. Nothing I or anyone can do but I'm leaving on a five day trip and I need to know she has enough to wear till I get back. No, don't trust the facility to wash her stuff, they don't spot so the stains don't come out.
I'm a little OCD so I can sympathize. But in the end, if it doesn't hurt them, might as well let her have her way. One day I could tell Mom what to do, the next day she'd get mad. Look at it her way, she has done what and how she wanted all her adult life and now here child is telling her what to do. They get like children and need to be treated as such.
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I've dealt with some of this myself taking care of my mom. She loves medication (rubbing alcohol, Tylenol, laxatives, ointments, etc). So I've put them out of her reach. She'll screw up the remotes, so i watched a YouTube video that showed me how to modify her remote in such a way she doesn't mess it up (honestly someone needs to invent a simple remote for the elderly). She rummages in her dressers all day and changes cloths several times a day like she's hosting the Emmy awards and requires wardrobe changes at the commercial breaks. Well that one i let her do, it keeps get busy and calm and when she's busy she sleeps good at night. Not sure what your mom is doing. But i guess my recommendation is to find a middle ground where she's safely allowed some of those moments. When i got to the point i realized her daily wardrobe fixation only required my refolding six outfits and gave me and her a peaceful nights sleep, it was like i could hear angel harps in celebration of the realization. Hang in there.
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Maybe if you didn't "tell her" what to do she'd be more flexible. No one likes to be told what to do, or bossed around as she may see it.

Try a more collaborative approach. She's probably not happy with her own situation so bear that in mind and try to support her and work with her. She's not an employee.
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She is most likely going to do what she wants to do, no matter what you say. Are the things she is doing what she has always done? Do they show that she has lost judgment? It can happen with older people. What I do with my mother is to decide what is important and what isn't. Some things can be annoying, but don't matter.
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Is your mom having any cognitive decline? The reason I ask is that sometimes a person who is having that will forget things they are told. And they often lose good judgment skills and make poor decisions or do thing that don't make much sense. So, I'd consider that. If that is the case, there's not much you can do, but accept it, since the person can't help it. Their memory and/or judgment is impaired.

If she does not have any mental decline, then, I'd try to maker other arrangements. It's very stressful living with a difficult person. I'd explore other living arrangements. It's not likely she will suddenly start doing the things you ask and you are likely trying to help her. Some people don't want help. Maybe, she thinks she knows better than you.
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If you're unhappy in your current situation, change it. What would happen if you moved out? Would your mom be able to live alone? If not, consider Independent Living for her or Assisted Living for her.

You're not a prisoner. It might take a lot of work to improve your life but if you really feel that it's time consider alternative living arrangements.
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