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Hello, my 94 year old mother never planned for her old age nor did my father. Fortunately, she had money to properly bury my father. Now she just has her SS and my father's pension every month. It helps pay our high rent and my SS helps pay for groceries and my own bills. However, the kind of funeral she wants costs 8,000.00. Neither she nor I have that kind of money readily available. No stocks or IRAs or 401ks....nothing. I'm trying to save as much as I can but unexpected things happen occasionally. I feel totally guilty if I have to have her cremated. She does have a free burial plot on top of my father's grave at the veteran's cemetery. I don't have a crystal ball to tell me how much longer she has to live. Alzheimer's I understand could go on for years. I'm a senior too and am in the same boat as my mother. It's too sad to talk about. I'm crying as I write. Thank you.

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EssieMarie, let's put the funeral expense issue aside for a moment. If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't be saving up for a funeral when I barely had enough money to pay for my living expenses. Please take care of your living selves first. There are services, like low-rent housing, food assistance etc. available. Contact your local area's Council on Aging and talk to them about your financial situation so they can help you with resources. They can also answer your question about not having enough funds for a burial. Blessings
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worriedinCali Oct 2019
To be fair, Essiemarie says absolutely nothing about being able to barely afford her living expenses. Also there is almost always a waitlist for low income/income based housing.
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My mother is in the same boat. She has nothing but my fathers pension and social security. She wants her body donated to science. She doesn’t want me to spend a dime on her because she gambled all her money away.
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EssieMarie Oct 2019
Ohhhh so sorry. My cousin who died early had no money and had to donate his body. It's morbid to think about it. I wish i had prepared when i was much younger and wish my father had put something away for both of them.
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Essie, my heart goes out to you. I understand wanting to give your mom the funeral she wants but please, don’t beat yourself up or feel guilty for not having $8k to pay for it. My own personal belief is that if you want an expensive funeral then it’s on YOU to pay for it. If you don’t have the money, then don’t expect your loved ones to foot the bill. Besides, funerals are for the living. (Again just my opinion. They are to honor and celebrate the dead but really, they are for the living). Truth is, NO ONE NEEDS an expensive funeral. If you don’t have to pay for a plot, then it appears your mother wants an extravagant funeral! If I were you, I would save what you can and when the time comes, do the best you can with the money you have. You can start researching prices now. Remember, it is cheaper to buy a casket or urn online then it is to buy them from a mortuary. You don’t need to order flowers from an expensive florist. Heck, Costco sells flowers! I ordered my wedding flowers from Costco, they were beautiful and much cheaper than a florist! And as far as your mom, I would just tell her she’ll have a beautiful service and leave it at that. Don’t make any promises. If she’s laid out her plans, when the day comes, choose what is reasonable and what is most important and try to balance them out with the budget.
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EssieMarie Oct 2019
Thank you so very much. I'm now thinking cremation and a memorial service will be reality. God bless you friend.
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Start planning now. Scale down the funeral she wants to have. We always don't get what we want!
Put a bit aside to pay for it. As a matter of fact you could arrange everything now and begin prepayments so you are paying today what might cost much more in a few years.
Actually $8000 is not much if that includes the fees for opening the plot and the transportation. Cut the wake to just the day of the funeral, that eliminates the cost of the funeral home.
And shop around. Check each funeral home in the area and compare prices. Also compare cremation services.
And when my Husband died I did not do a luncheon I invited everyone back to the house and we ordered pizza (my Husbands favorite) and many people brought snacks and sweets. It was a great way to catch up and talk and relax and not have to worry about leaving a restaurant on time and the added expense of a luncheon.
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EssieMarie Oct 2019
Thank you. I started prepayment around 2 years a go but had to stop due to unexpected expenses.
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You mean for both my mother and me? Wherever i go so does she.
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So your father is buried at a US National cemetery, correct?
If so your mom as his widow & can be buried at one. BUT not a straightforward process imo, heres our experience....,
1. FIL died last millennium, served WW2, buried at National Cemetery in Santa Fe. It’s a gorgeous site, lots of Spanish-American war & WW1 buried there, pretty fab headstones, right off the highway. But it’s full & this is an issue for National cemeteries across the US. SF is full and so not truly staffed anymore as no need to. There’s a covered memorial & FAQ area (with pretty high tech security cameras according to our tech savvy nephew) that has interactive screens to do search & map of SF so you can find your relative. When Mil died she was cremated. Bil kept the cremains till there was a date that there would be staff to actually be on site to dig an area for the cremains. It was like 5 months for that to happen. We didn’t go but bil said it was pretty perfunctory. There were other families with their cremains box. Nobody (!) was in a casket, it was all cremains.
2 when my mom died, the FH she had her preneed with is a big FH group. There was an issue with her death certificate & had a few days delay in being buried. When I met with the FH guy, he said not an issue as they had a holding area for bodies, they were holding lots of bodies. Curiosity got the better of me, I had to ask wtf why, like I understand why bodies held at the coroner office but why would a FH need essentially a big long term cooler. What he told me was that the holding was by & large veterans burial destined for Ft. Sam Houston National Cemetery. Ft. Sam is still actively doing burials with full court military as there’s bases in San Antonio. But again like in SF, there is not enough staff for this national cemetery. The burials have to be scheduled whether casket or cremains. But if family does casket, the FH will have holding fee for the embalmed body if past a certain period of time. He said Families tend opting to go cremation.

VA flat understaffed all around. The National Cemetery issues are par for the course for VA. I’d suggest you find out what the status is for the cemetery where your dad is buried. If it’s closed & full, then perhaps let that essentially make the decision that mom gets cremated. & you get a cremation preneed done, should be under 1k.

a few national cemeteries are actually run by NPS - National Park Service. I’ve been told that for those, there will be a designated FH that is registered with NPS to do burials on site. So you would have to deal with that FH only.

if dad is buried in another state, moving a body is expensive. For that situation, you again are probably better off going cremation.

good luck. & really try to have a decision made & plan in place soon. Otherwise that estimated 8k funeral could easily double. You’ll be overwhelmed and perhaps letting your emotions get ahead of your purse.
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Essie, I see below you are accepting that cremation and a simple service may be the way of it, and I think truly you are wise to accept that. It is just one more of the sad realities of life that don't even stop when life is done, that you cannot do all you would wish. For myself I want no services and want only a simple cremation and the spreading of my ashes wherever they get that done. Some people set great store in a "goodbye" and some are very comforted by more elaborate sendoffs. But it just isn't always possible. You have reason to cry, because you are a good person who wants to fulfill this wish. So cry and know that tears cleanse out a lot of grief that we cannot address another way. Hugs and I am so sorry.
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Essie, I forgot to mention, since your dad is a veteran, there is a VA burial allowance your mom should be eligible for. However the amount they reimburse isn’t a set amount from what we were told when FIL died. From what the VA said, I believe they only reimburse certain costs so you have to submit all the receipts after the funeral & they’ll reimburse some of the expenses. I don’t know if my BIL ever followed through and submitted a reimbursement request, if he did and got a check, he kept it for himself.
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So silly to even consider anything like this and to feel guilty to boot. No money=no fancy funeral, she should have thought about that many years ago, she is just wanting a big show.

I would just tell her that this is not going to happen and move on.
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We went to a beautiful and respectful funeral 2 weeks ago that was followed by private cremation.
“Properly bury” means love and respect and memories, not anything els. You are doing the right thing.
No guilt.
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We had a cremation and a short graveside service for my brother. Funeral arrangements don’t have to get out of hand.
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She won't be there to criticize - sorry to be blunt. Have the funeral you can afford!!
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Bottom line is, if she did not make and pay for Pre-Arrangements, then you can only do what you can afford.. I took my parents to a Funeral Home approximately 15 years or so ago. I am so glad I did, because when it was time to bury them, everything was paid for.

I have a brother that is around 70 now. He has never planned for the future nor worried about it. When he dies, he will have no money for any of us to use for his funeral. The way I look at it, is if he doesn't care to make an effort to set aside money or get a Pre Arrangement to help out his family when the time comes to bury him, then why should anybody else?
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EssieMarie Oct 2019
I agree with you but when I was younger like your brother, i never even thought about death. I'm certain relatives of the deceased during the depression years probably buried their loved ones in the back yard. It's all about the money.
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I am 85 years old and went to a lot of funerals in my life. As someone said, they are for the living. If a huge send-off was really a priority for your mother, she should have saved for it.

I have been to huge services that cost over $30,000. and a few that cost less than a thousand. One I remember with sadness was a friend's father. They had no money, the county cremated him, a minister came to the house for free and gave a talk. There were only 3 of us there. Myself, his daughter, and his granddaughter. They scattered his ashes.

When you think about it, you don't see dead bodies laying in the streets for long, the Coroner will dispose of them if no one claims them.

One of my daughter's friends died, the county cremated her and wanted $350.00 to defray costs. When her family realized she had no insurance, they turned their backs on her. My daughter and I were able to get her ashes and we had a little service for her in a park. Then her ashes were scattered.

My best friend's husband, who owned a construction company, passed. They had the service in church, and a very nice luncheon in a hall. She mixed the ashes of his buddy, a Pit Bull named Dozer, with his and scattered them on some of his construction sites and hiking trails. That way they would always be together.

My mother was cremated, we had a service at her church, a few flowers from the Grocery Store, and we scattered her ashes in her favorite spot. She didn't want any service, but I felt the grandchildren and great grandchildren needed something.

My Aunt was cremated, put in her favorite cookie jar, and buried beside her husband in a National Cemetery. Her son, had an open house at her home with photos and mementos of her displayed. Her uniforms from the Texas Air National Guard and a Registered Nurse, back when they had the cap and blue cape, were on display also. The food was catered from her favorite Mexican Restaurant. It was very moving and personal. More so than a huge church service would have been. Too, since both ladies were in their 90's when they died, nearly all their friends and family were on the other side waiting for them there (a nice way of saying they were mostly dead). In fact last year I lost my last three aunts. One of them younger than me.

My late Sister-in-Law was cremated and buried in a cardboard box with her favorite quilting fabric wrapped around it. I have a piece of that fabric and every time I look at it, I think of her.

I hope my experiences will help you see that personal is much more important than money. Please, don't feel guilty, guilt is for when you do something wrong.
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EssieMarie Oct 2019
A million thanks for your heartfelt stories. Not everyone can afford expensive funerals. The soul as you suggested reunites with those on the other side and that's what we should probably be celebrating instead of well meaning relatives and friends talking about the appearance of the corpse and so on. If i have to cremate her at least she will be buried over my father's gravesite. Thanks again for sharing.
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Funerals are personal issues, so please don't take this wrong -- funerals are also a big waste of money! Why not decide that those interested in tipping their hat when you move on to your next life, do so in a private gathering at someone's home? Why should it be at a funeral home with pomp and circumstance? My mother's will (thankfully) called for cremation and the deposition of ashes "as her daughter's see fit." For $1200 and $200 for death certificates, we (actually she) purchased cremation services. Once my mother passes, the funeral home will pick up the body and will give us the box of ashes for us to depose of. We all feel good about that decision...
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None of our offspring live in the state we live in. Cost to ship remains to state my family plot is in isn’t in the budget. Asked kids outright, would they be making cemetery visits when I die. Answer, probably rarely, if ever. No point in spending limited funds on funeral, plot, casket. We will be cremated, ashes scattered at sea, as we love the ocean, live on east coast. Until I moved away from the area I raised my sons in, I was the dutiful daughter/granddaughter/ great-granddaughter. Took care of family gravesites for years. What our nation does not need is more unkempt gravesites in rundown cemeteries.
As far as my own wishes, I’m working on a document with the links to the crematorium, burial at sea link, etc, so my kids can just pull up the document on my computer, and initiate contact. Will also have hard copy of instructions. Grief shouldn’t be burdened with lack of resources for somebody’s final wishes. As long as it’s respectful, do as your pocketbook and heart guide you.
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Funerals are ridiculous and nothing but a waste of money, and if you do not agree then take out a mortgage and bury the body. It's your money and that's your business.
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My parents had enough money for funerals. My mother (Protestant) had a viewing so my father could say goodbye (he needed closure) but when my father passed, no viewing because he had to be buried according to Jewish law. No embalming and he had to be in the ground within 24 hours. His funeral was half the cost of Mom's.

When my DH passed, we had already discussed this because my father's funeral was the easiest on me - the one in charge as executrix. DH told me to do whatever was easier on me and he ok'd the cremation as he had his first wife cremated too.

We were given a plot in the cemetery as a thank you for taking care of Mom's final arrangements. When my father passed 7.5 years later, I purchased a tombstone and had it placed on our graves.

But at the moment, my DH is sitting quietly on my hearth as I decide what I want to do with his ashes. At 96+ years of age, he had already outlived his peers and most of his siblings so I didn't want a viewing (wake) held for him. A simple cremation was agreed upon before his demise. I have no regrets and you shouldn't either. Your mother will no longer be there, only the shell she lived in during her lifetime.
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NeedHelpWithMom Oct 2019
RayLin,

I agree. Much more sensible.
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You have the plot. You know *where* your mother wants to be buried. Those are the important bits, and anything else that inflates the funeral figure to $8K is an optional extra.

Why not contact the people in charge at the veterans' cemetery and work out a manageable budget with their help? You could also liaise with the relevant church or similar officials if religious or ceremonial wishes are pushing up the price.

As far as discussions with your mother are concerned, you don't have to lie; just reassure her that everything will be decently and properly done.

It is sad, and you sound as if you are stressed out not only about the funeral plans but also about managing in general. Can we help?
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I'm so sorry for your loss. We were in the same position when my father died a few years ago. Even cremation costs are several thousand dollars, I'm not sure people realize that. I was fortunate enough to contact a wonderful charity who paid for his expenses along with being able to have his ashes vaulted in our local Veteran's Cemetery. Good luck and again I sorry
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Countrymouse Oct 2019
Mother's not dead yet! :)
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Lord, the really wealthy people here have tombs that are built like pyramids. It’s crazy! Some have these huge monuments. Some are like small homes with fancy wrought iron gates. Nuts! Although I must say the ‘weeping angel’ statue is really beautiful.

Look up Lakelawn Metairie Cemetery and you can see what I mean. They spend mega bucks on their ‘resting place.’ Cemeteries are a big thing in New Orleans.
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NeedHelpWithMom Oct 2019
Robin,

Of course I know about raised graves. I was born and raised here in New Orleans. We have very unique cemeteries.
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someone on here once mentioned that there is a company that mixes the ashes in with a tree that is planted. Or something like that. Anyone know what I’m talking about?

my dad has a plot next to where my mom is buried and we’ve prepaid for his burial. Still was pricey but he didn’t want cremation. Luckily he had the money. But such a waste! We will not have a fancy service. In face he will be buried without us present as it’s in another state and the 4 of us daughters will travel there for a graveside memorial at a convenient time.
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You do what you have to do and don’t feel guilty!
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I had my funeral (which was really just a cremation) planned. While doing it the funeral director said that basically this pays for a certain dollar amount but that my children could do whatever I wanted after I was gone. So I got in touch with the local medical college and am donating my body in the hopes it will help others. Then they will cremate it and return the ashes with no cost to family It may seem cruel to you that you would have to have mom cremated but remember. What is left behind is not your mom. Your mom is the spirit and memories that will be left and you can't (or shouldn't) bury those. Mom is on another plane of existence and will certainly understand.
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I am struggling with how to proceed when the time comes for my mom as well.  Her siblings who are still alive and younger, but never visit her, will expect a huge fan-fare.  I don't see the point in spending $20,000 on a funeral.  I think having a grave-side service and a get together with lots of pictures and stories would be more memorable and meaningful.  I certainly would not "rest in peace" knowing I had put my surviving family in debt for a party I couldn't attend.  I think you have already answered your own question....you don't have the funds and neither does she.   If you can't live with yourself if you cremate her against her wishes, talk with a funeral home to see what low cost options there are.  There may be some things you can do...maybe closed casket, no embalming and just have a beautiful picture placed on the casket during services.  I have heard of people renting a fancy casket for the service and using a more reasonably priced casket for the actual burial.  Try not to stress out about it and do the best you can.
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NeedHelpWithMom Oct 2019
My cousin rented a casket for his wife and then had her cremated so yes, there are options.
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Dear EssieMarie,

The most important thing right now is for you to reassure mother that her funeral will be taken care of, even if it isn't all that she expects... as many others have pointed out, funerals are for the living... the deceased don't care.

Just give mom lots of love and comforting words, even if you have to 'exaggerate' a bit. Her last thoughts shouldn't be ones of worry about her funeral.
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Countrymouse: "It is sad, and you sound as if you are stressed out not only about the funeral plans but also about managing in general."

In reading Essie's past posts, she is certainly stressed out. She is a prisoner in her apartment because of her elderly mother. Her brother won't get involved. She hires a caregiver once or twice a week for 4 hours. She had to check herself into a mental facility because it was all so overwhelming.

Mother doesn't want to go into a facility (of course!).
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HVsdaughter Oct 2019
CT, thank you for the additional info! I hope the advice here has eased her mind on at least this subject.
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When my Mom died, we had her cremated and the ashes say in my sisters den for several years
We finally found a time when we could all be together and we had drinks in her favorite restaurant
We told stories. Then we went to the cemetery where my brother Michael is buried(Vietnam) and spread her ashes there . I had brought a little box decorated with
red high heels with me we put some of her ashes inside and i gave it to my sister to take home.
Simple,
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Funerals are not for the dead but for the living. Think about what would be comforting for you, probably something nice but inexpensive. If you are part of a faith group, i.e. church, funerals cost less for the service, food, etc. You can also donate her body for research and sometimes that costs nothing. Consider what mom wants that would not have a price tag and incorporate those elements.
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Donating your body to a teaching hospital is a generous, beneficial act. Many people are helped by this choice which teaches new doctors how to learn about the people they will care for.
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NancyH2877970 Oct 2019
You cannot just decide to donate a body to medical science when your loved ones dies. You have to contact the hospital in advance of a death, you need to fill out papers, your papers will be reviewed by a special committee and they will make a decision as to whether or not to accept your loved ones body for medical science. If you do get approval, you will be given a card that is to be shown to her dr. and other medical care givers in advance. You will be responsible for getting he body to the nearest facility that takes such donations and after they do whatever research they need to do, they will pay to have your loved one cremated and the ashes sent back to you at no charge. I know this because I have donated my body to medical science. There is a process you need to go through to make it happen.Best of luck.
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