She makes a career of seeing her doctors weekly and she recently had cancer which was verified but she told everyone she had Stage IV breast cancer but only had Stage 1/0. Her surgeon made me aware of this. Now she wants to do some outrageous procedure called prp plasma which is not FDA approved nor has any proven evidence of working; She has a hair line fracture from a recent fall but her ankle is recovering slowly but surely .. she changes her medical stories constantly and uses a cane I notice only in public when she’s around others or when wants attention she has a disability placard on her car but has no known disability ; her “pain” is always excruciating from her hip which first she said there was a hair line fracture but then says no it’s just “Bursa..””she has vague symptoms and the story always changes.
When my daughter and I visit her and help her around the house and take her out to dinner or a movie the “pain “sort of disappears but when I talk to her on the phone every day its drama; her friends don’t help either and are all wealthy, bored, attention seeking women who text and talk with my mom more than my own teen does with her own phone with friends! I’m just very stressed out and tired of the surgeries and unnecessary repetitive procedures; her husband (my step dad ) has Dementia and Parkinson’s so she has 2 caregivers 24 hours helping him at their house but she barely speaks to him and treats him more like a visitor in their house than her husband. She even has her own flat upstairs separate from his portion of the house; she spends a lot on clothes and unnecessary gifts for her luncheon friends: I’m just at a loss on how to handle her whole mental health issues; she doesn’t walk or do anything active or volunteer her time to the less disadvantaged to get her mind off of herself for a change and now it’s made her not as mobile and just stays in her room upstairs a lot and watches medical fiction shows which I find ironic: bottom line I’m overwhelmed and I am starting to resent her; when I was a child I was always sick and weak and she always made the doctors appointments a social event I recently also am a cancer survivor which mine was Stage 2 but she ended up telling everyone I had cancer when I didn’t want everyone to know that among her busy body friends I just don’t know what to do
The only part of this you have any control over - arguably, the only part you even have any right to control - is what you put in to the relationship with your mother.
Just for example: you call her every day, do you? And every day it's the same soap opera, and if I guess right your mother doesn't want to hear answers or suggestions, she wants to hear that everything is terrible and people are dreadful and she is the world's most put upon and misunderstood victim and how cruel Fate is to her (her in particular) etc etc etc
Which must be quite trying. So, what you could do about that is: still call her every day, but set a kitchen timer for, say, ten or fifteen minutes, and when it goes ping you have to go and you end the call. You can gear yourself up for it with a nice cup of coffee and a doodle pad so that you have something to comfort and distract you while you're half-listening. The point is, that you set the limits so you know exactly how long this is going to go on, and you pick the time that suits you, and you are keeping it all under control. If you really can't bear to hear another word, you can cut it short. But YOU stay in charge.
I have to admit that I have no idea what facitious disorder is. What is that, please?
The casual observer might perhaps think that your mother is a somewhat spoiled rich lady who doesn't know she's born when it comes to hardship. BUT. Spoiled rich ladies feel everything just the same as less privileged people. They get just as sad, their ankles hurt just as much, they miss their active healthy husbands, they get frightened by symptoms. And this particular SRL is your mother, and you love her. There is reality here, under all the melodrama.
If we dig down to the nitty-gritty:
your mother has a breast cancer diagnosis. Yikes!
she has a hairline fracture of her ankle. Ouch!
her husband has Parkinson's and dementia. That IS very sad, and also seriously impacts her quality of life (I *know* - not nearly as much as his. But still)
and she is 84 and has too much time on her hands and too competitive a peer group.
What would you say she really wants from you, you specifically? If it just attention, and her actual needs are all well in hand under the supervision of well-qualified persons, then what you have to decide is: how much of your day are you content to give her?
Every "illness" was "near death". Every family drama was going to put her over the edge and into suicide. She saw some kind of dr almost every week.
She actually "adopted" MY gallbladder story as hers. (somehow, in the drama that is her life, she didn't think to have that removed.) When I got super, super sick for several months and was just kind of powering through it----it took me 6+ months to be properly dxed with it and after an emergency surgery, I was fine. She took my "story" and it was hers. So weird!!
Her poor body is a railroad track of surgical scars. She doesn't get a cold, she gets St Vitus' dance. (sigh) Just has always been that way.
Daddy had Parkinson's, and I remember her once saying "well at least he now knows what it feels like to suffer!" (She really did do a good job of caring for him, other than being a tad "jealous" of the attention she paid him.
She's 89 and a hard lived 89. Too many surgeries and too staying in bed for months on end have rendered her pretty frail, but she keeps ticking. Her attitude and years upon years of suicide threats make it hard to want to really be around her. It has to all be about her...or her one friend. She slowly made it so unpleasant to spend time with her, pretty much no one does. Family, that is. She does have a couple of friends who think she's awesome and we're all grateful for them!
We reap what we sow. Her own mother lived to 95, alone and independent and funny as heck, I LOVED spending a day with her. She was a truly independent lady who was widowed at 60 and lived alone for 35 years. She was determined to be strong and she was. The kind of 'old lady' you'd choose to sit by at a party.
People really don't change. They just get more of what they already were/are.
Mother drove me insane when I lived at home and through my married life have just made huge boundaries and don't spend a lot of time with her. She doesn't care and probably doesn't notice.
Innately, we want to fix things. A lot of the time, we simply can't. People either d not want help nor advice...trying to coach them through "being a better 'them' is generally pointless and a waste of time.
Wow! Adopted your gallbladder story as her own. That takes the cake. Too funny!!!
Her doctors are taking advantage of her. She does not need to see any doctor weekly. But then as long as you don't need to be driving her that's between her and the doctor.
Like said, you are not going to change her now. Sounds like she has been like this all her life. Like said, you need to adjust to her. Maybe see a therapist to teach you coping technics.
thank you for reaching out. I really appreciate it. I find that you have a sense of humor with regards to the caller ID thing! Great advise! Yes.. one of her friends who is equally dramatic will call me and text incessantly when my mom is having one of her episodes.. or another procedure I live 2 hours away so it’s at times difficult for me to always be there but try to make prearranged visits so she has something to look forward to. Your right she’s has been like this from what I can remember all of her life .. Ironically, I became an EMT in my adult life maybe because she is such a hypochondriac I recognize mental illness with other patients with the same problems. I have been recently seeing a therapist and we have discussed boundaries with dealing with my mother. It’s helping some but it’s nice to talk with people on here that can relate.
Yes, mom is old, 93! Serious disease, Parkinson’s. Please don’t think because I am joking around that I am making light of it. I’m not. I have my days where my heart breaks for her. Especially when she falls.
The falls are scary. EMTs come right away though. They know my mom and are very efficient and kind. My mom loves how strong and good looking they are! One fireman even told her that he enjoyed her company too but not to fall anymore just to see the handsome fireman. It’s crazy. My mother may be old. She may have medical issues. But she ain’t blind! We do have incredibly handsome fireman in our area.
Good luck!
There are a few of us who could write a book on our dysfunctional families. Your mom would be a main character in a book! Geeeez! I have MORE than one main character in my family. LOL.
yes its it’s very amusing at times but it Andy can be quite challenging