My mother is in the dying process, but I cannot get a read on how long this is going to take.
I know part of this has been asked and answered, but I feel like mom is on a different plane all together. She is 91 and suffers from severe dementia. She has not physically moved herself in anyway for over 6 years. She has been transported by a hoya lift during that time. She has been incontinent for that amount of time as well. She is in her 5th assisted living facility. She has been on Hospice 2 previous times and roared back to life but now on her 3rd time with them, this is different. She has lost an average of 8 lbs a month for the past 7+ months and is down to 114. She is bedridden now. She has had skin ulcers and breakdowns for over a year and then they are multiplying aggressively. She has all but stopped eating and drinking although yesterday she was able to sip a lot of water through a straw indicating some thirst is left. Last evening the med tech and I were talking about her experience of watching and treating her patients die. She gave me some behaviors that most people display such as agitation, or staring straight up to the ceiling or voicing the pain of dying. All of which happened last night. My mother who has not been able to move for years was able to pull herself up off the pillow, trying to sit up or reaching for something in front of her, but quickly fell back to the pillow. This happened about 4 or 5 times. I have not seen her move like that for years. She said ouch and ow, while just lying there, voicing pain that was not obvious to us, but she felt somewhere in her body. She does not talk anymore so this was new. But the more prevelant signs of dying are not there yet. Such as the apnea breathing, or the skin molting. Her hands are still warm. She does not have a temperature. She is not in a coma. She is sleeping a lot more, but she still has her eyes open at times and she responds sometimes when you call her name with her eyes moving towards the voice. She looks so frail and helpless and it is hard to watch. Every care giver at the facility is saying she is so strong and they have not really considered that mom is really dying. Hospice does though. I guess I just want to know how much longer can this go on? As with many of you, that are the single family member who is left or willing to oversee the care of their loved one, you understand this. I am a single man, never married with a brother and sister who do nothing. So talking to them is about as productive as watching paint dry. It seems many families are similar. Anyway, it is so tough and I have been with her for over 8 years taking care of all of her health needs, paid her bills, managed her money, insurance, prescriptions, doctor's appts and on and on and on. Believe it or not, that was the easy part. This is hard and I want this to be over. But I really just don't want her in pain anymore.
When you can see the downward changes from one month to the next...she has months left.
When those changes come fast enough to see the difference from one week to the next..then you know there are only weeks left
When the downward changes are noticeable from one day to the next, there are only days.
I was surprised at how fast everything happened when the changes were day over day.
If you feel she is in pain, discuss with the hospice staff so you will do the best you can to ease her pain.
Often those last days in my experience you'll see random movements like flinging their arms, etc. They are often simply our body's innate reflexes.
The same reflexes that in the end eventually lead to the body giving up.
God Bless you both on this journey.
My grandmother and mother both showed unusual ability to speak and move shortly before their deaths. I had a great aunt who make the motions of quilting. She would pull her needle through the quilt and then pull it back as if it were threaded with a very long thread and then take another stitch. You are a good son who has stood by your mother a long time. I agree with you, the end is the hardest. I think it is very hard for the body to give up on life.
You mentioned her hands being warm. I memorized the warmth in my dads arms before he died. I return to that memory many times and it comforts me.
I'm glad your sister is coming to be with you. We are thinking of you.
These last few days have been extremely rough, with increase agitation. Last night he got himself out of his tee-shirt 3 different times, and this is new! He has been with us for about 6 weeks now, and has Lung cancer with Mets to his ribs bones. They say that often lung cancer will spread to the brain, but I'm thinking it's his very bad urinary tract infection that is causing his delusions and agitation, and we have decided not to treat, which goes along with our Hospice Dr and Nurses advice, as he is 87, and it would only prolong the inevitable, and then his Lung cancer symptoms and pain would become even worse over time, so why make him suffer with those types of symptoms. There is no right or wrong way to deal with this, as like you, we just don't want him to suffer, so we are treating the symptoms.
Last night and this morning were hell, and I pray we can get his agitation under control so he can sleep.
I never thought I would look forward to someone dying, but this is cruel and inhumane for everyone involved! I pray he passes quickly and peacefully.
I hope things are going better for you, and that your sister arrives to help you through this!
We are in this together! You take care!
I'm very sorry to hear what you are going through. I'm glad your sister is coming to support you during this difficult time. It is very hard.
I sometimes think doctors and nurses have a general idea but can't know for sure. The day my dad passed, the doctor didn't even think my dad's condition warranted hospice. It is and still a terrible shock.
Sending all my thoughts and prayers.
Anyway, this is so tough at the end, I've been through it before, and it's so difficult, and strange, but sometimes even a peace. I know, that's not a good description. Just know that I'm thinking of your family, and I wish you peace and strength as well.
Having your sister there has brought you some comfort, and I am sure you are her strength too.
If the nurses advise you to go home overnight, how do you feel about not being there if she would pass? Sounds like you are both there for your Mom now.
After reading more I now understand what you meant by wondering how long.
However long, I hope it is peaceful.
The single most horrible 14 hours I have ever endured.
I wish you peace. I pray your Mom's ordeal will very soon be over.
I hope you take some time for yourself over the next days and just begin the adjustment process w/o any other issues to deal with.
Hope you can rest in the days ahead - treat yourself to a nice breakfast in the morning
Hugs, rest, and peace, Bella🌹
Be kind to yourself now. *hugs*
Today i am numb. I am not feeling anything in particular. I know I am not happy. But I am not sad either. I think it is more like I am just not really feeling anything at all. There is not even this sense of relief. I have planned for this period for so long, it's as if I have been living it all along and now it just is here. But in planning for it so well, it is not strange or new to me. It just is part of the plan. Does anyone out there know of any support groups for people like me who have lost a loved one to dementia and now has a huge void to fill? I have fantasized for years what I would do with all this free time. But I am just not able to even think of any of it yet. And the obituary. Oh lord, I can't even think of that yet. I really can't think at all.
Hugs and kind thoughts to you sdbike
Thank you for sharing your feelings