My mother-in-law has been married 7 times ( yes 7!). She’s basically jumped from husband to boyfriend to husband to boyfriend ever since my partner's father died at the age of 10. Though being left a fairly wealthy widow, through divorces and the just upping and leaving she has been left with nothing aside from her pension (didn't stop her from recently buying a brand new car on credit).
5 years ago, she left the latest husband taking off in an RV to visit my partner and his ex-wife. Due to health concerns, she was unable to return to her husband and ended up moving in with them. From what I hear, it was the final nail in the coffin of their relationship and the marriage fell apart. Mother-in-law (76 yrs old) took off with a new boyfriend who she has been living with since my partner and I got together (a whole days travel away).
My partner and I recently bought a house and have been busy renovating the downstairs as a rental suite to help us pay the mortgage and give us a bit of financial freedom when my partner retires in 10 years (we have a 25-year mortgage)
A couple of weeks ago MIL got in touch with my partner complaining that she was bored of her new boyfriend as he was a “stick in the mud”. She wanted to come visit us and see a doctor where we live (apparently there's no doctors where she lives).
My partner was concerned. She had visited him and his ex before and found excuses not to be able to leave (health, finances, etc). He confessed to me that this is why he had not wanted to invite her to visit for holidays and long weekends. He did not want to do that to our relationship.
His fear was, she would visit, make an excuse why she couldn’t leave and end up moving into our rental suite rent free (as she has car payments! Like she told him and his ex). Gone would be our financial relief and our happy life.
I told him to be honest with her as to why he didn't want her to visit. He told her straight up that he would love to have her visit and the door was always open but he would never allow her to move in with us.
MIL responded by telling him to consider her dead and deleted him on fb. She said she would rather sleep in her car than stay at our place.
They have not spoken since.
When I read this post through it sounds ridiculous but still there's a part of me that feels guilty that she is aging and none of her 3 kids want her living with them.
I don't have kids of my own, so maybe I see things differently but my feeling is she has lived an irresponsible carefree existence going against any financial advice her family have given her and is now expecting her kids to give up their retirement plans to take care of her financially. Am I wrong?
One thing we know she's not bringing into all these relationships is money if she's trying to get in her son's place to freeload off of him.
Some women (and men) have a type of appeal and they just attract. It's not necessarily their looks. My second husband has that appeal. He attracts and has many friends and people just like the guy. Someone like the OP's MIL uses the appeal to exploit and take advantage of men who enable her freeloading lifestyle.
I am sorry that your partner has been through the mill with his mom since he was a child. He knows his mother well and is smart enough not to want her to move in and repeat history.
Yo gave your partner the very best advice by telling him to be honest with his mom. I am not worried about you in the least. You absolutely have your head on straight by saying that she will never move into your home and ruin your lives.
Your partner was being kind to her by opening up the door for a visit. She certainly didn’t return his kindness. She rejected his offer because she couldn’t get everything that she wanted from him. In other words, use him. When a sad situation.
She was bored with her boyfriend? That’s funny, huh? What is her story for the umpteen other men in her life? I am sure that all of her stories are crazy. Her life is more bizarre than a soap opera and a ridiculous reality television show.
Just being a bit facetious here, she could create and star in a reality television show about dating, marrying, divorcing, dating again and again, etc. as a senior! She fits the part of a ‘drama’ queen quite nicely.
I lam glad that you don’t live super close to her. I know that you must be relieved that she lives several hours away from your home.
Wishing you peace in the midst of your dilemma with your partner’s mom.
I ask because the entitled can have some wacky ideas! Things I've heard include 'But that's my son's house, so of course I can stay whenever I want'. Zero consideration for anyone - son, partner, kids.
Expecting to be homed. Expecting it to be free. Expecting their bills to be paid.
I agree with Burnt, do not let this 'Trogen Horse' in your home at all. Even a day visit could bring unknown dangers.. from nosy questions about money to a staged fall requiring rehab under your roof.
If phone contact, stay short, polite but firm. Good to hear you are well. Sorry about your husband. 2 mins chat. Thanks for letting us know.
IF there is to be any physical visit. make the location a neutral place like a cafe/bistro. With a start time & an event you must leave for to get away.
My mother does the same thing with the 'consider me dead' nonsense.
That's when I tell her that if I'm to consider her dead then I can finally put up the 'For Sale' sign in the yard and collect my money on this house. I can also throw away her useless crap that she hoards like a dragon guarding a pile of treasure.
This usually upsets her, and to be honest it doesn't bother me.
She knows that I do not play games. So if she wants me to do for her and wants things like being fed and help with her daily needs then don't try to start a game with me.
When you know you cannot handle more than you are (your Partner is telling you this)...that is to be honored & applauded! Surely there are other Plan B's & C's that could work for her. Mabes the Partner & you could research & save to your computer as options. IF she is going to shut down & act like an ill behaved child, release...do not feel guilty!!!
I check myself almost daily re: this, but I know I cannot handle my Mom. Career + grown Kids (who will have sig other & Kids into the future) & sig other.. My Mom is a pill and a half. It's amazing I ever see her as I do...
Hang in there! <3
"So, Basically, an apology, followed by a “poor me” and a sprinkle of emotional blackmail for good measure." No passive-aggressiveness there. Been there with my Mil. Apology and then in the next breath "but you did say".
There is Social Services. She is homeless they can help her. At least put her up in a motel.
Surely the Partner has had his fair share & then some..
I told myself last night.. I just could never do it. Live with her. Plain & simple. She has destroyed enough of my lifetime.
So selfish.
Elderly should think on a plan, and most esp when finances are not an issue. OMGGGG...
"Consider me dead!" Drama Queen stuff.
What she means is "Poor me" I want you to feel guilty. She may play 'dead' & ignore her son for a while.. until she wants something from him.
I usually dislike painting someone so dark (most of us contain shades of greys) but when someone shows you they are more vampire than human - believe them!
I bet you she wants something from him. Probably money, or move in with you. What's your partner's reaction?
Since his mom reminded him of the good things she had done for him, I suggest you refresh his memory of all the horrible things she has done and will do if she gets anywhere near him.
If she left the current boyfriend, would she be able to afford rent on her own? It would be real hard for your boyfriend to stand by if his 76 y.o. mom told him she'd be homeless. I recommend he puts her name on as many wait lists for affordable senior rentals as he can find. Those places have very long wait lists. She will need to move into one of those places when she runs out of boyfriends and money. Have you finished remodeling? And rented out the back unit?
One more suggestion, your partner should tell his mom NOT to leave boyfriend #8, because you/he won't take her in, and that at 76 y.o., she will have a hard time finding sucker #9.
Maintain those boundaries!
She’s back!!! Well shes back in touch with my partner, her son anyway. He received the message yesterday. The first part was an apology for the things she had said, moving swiftly onto informing him that her husband had died and left her nothing in his will (husband #7, the guy she left who was terminally ill 4 years ago and who after several efforts to get her back finally took up with someone else). I guess that was a shock to her? 🤷♀️ Meanwhile, shes living with her newest boyfriend elsewhere. The message ended with her asking my partner to remember the good things she had done for him in life. So, Basically, an apology, followed by a “poor me” and a sprinkle of emotional blackmail for good measure. God help us !
Beware of aging narcissists bearing gifts. This woman has had seven husbands. She knows how to get someone else to take care of her so don't worry.
wow, unbelievable what has happened to you. it really brought the thought to me about the old proverb, good intentions:
"The road to hell is paved with good intentions."
i wish you the best of luck, and hopefully, you can find a way to get your financial situation straightened out. it must be just hell to have that financial insecurity at this time in your life. i really hope that there is someone or something that could step in to help with this financial burden.
yours,
M.
I wish I would’ve had that foresight before guilting myself and moving my father in with my husband and me. I was stupid enough to have him here because I was tired of having his neighbours ringing me and telling me of his latest drama. We can’t put him into care for reasons that I won’t go into. I’ve got got no one else to depend or help me. Whatever love i
had for him, he destroyed long ago.
He’s manipulative and narcissistic. I’m just hoping it all ends soon. I know I’m selfish but it what it is.
Trust your gut and your bf.
good luck!
The word “guilt” implies your involvement influencing her every decision with damaging intentions. You do NOT feel guilt. It is very, very important for your spirit, outlook, and how you proceed to use the right term. Your brain needs this hack. You feel sad, and you feel bad. You’re a caring human being but you have to, and I mean have to make that correction when you talk to yourself about how you feel about her situation. The word guilt is never to enter your mind and mouth again.
“But” you may say to yourself “I know her now so from this point on surely I can use the word guilt because if I don’t give Ms Self Destruction 1946 assistance then I’m complicit, (also a wrong word), to her demise”.
Nope.
As much as that G word is used and it massages that whacky part of you, your relationship is doomed and she will RULE the trajectory of you lives. She has no place in it. Surround yourselves, as best you can, to your graves, with admirable, elevating (makes you smile), good natured, trustworthy, people.
It’s a million percent your business, but your sweetheart has not made vows to you which includes Let no man put asunder (which means - no one can come between you and your man. Including mom), which also means you have no legal power or say, and if, heaven forbid, something unfortunate happens, Ms Destruction will be next of kin. Just a thought. She is a problem that will keep on giving.
That little tidbit is beside your issue but you are the adults. She is a silly destructive child. Anyone who’d rather sleep in a car should.
As long as she thinks she’s got you, the chances that she will ever improve is reduced even further. Rescuing in this case is actually enabling and you will have more reason to feel increasingly bad.
Best help. Be prepared. Keep a list of names, addresses and phone numbers to outside resources like shelters.
“guilt”
A feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong, etc., whether real or imagined
Thank you MicheleDL
for convincing me that THIS forum has less to do with care than self righteousness and protecting one’s cash assets
To repair the relationship, you might want to ask an attorney to write up a contract for her to sign, like a lease that has her pension as collateral (if that's legal to do). Coming up with a market rate rent that will help you meet your financial goals (and move in requirements like first, last and cleaning deposit) and a separate entry way where she only has a key to "her" place. If she finds this contract distasteful, she can let you know that she no longer wants to move in. Then it will be she who refuses the proposed living situation.
Also, require end-of-life plans for placement (if necessary) and funeral arrangements prepaid. This should make the reality check very clear that she is responsible for every aspect of her life and her death.
I never trust words. I even question actions. I can always trust patterns.
By any chance is your mother-in-law Elizabeth Taylor! You go girl--7 husbands!
Good for you honey...I'm just jealous. I wanted to give everyone a laugh.
Someone who is unpredictable and impulsive in behavior can be very disruptive in a family, mealtimes, the job market, etc. Some people never plant roots or they see "order" as a sign of weakness--most of us in life have a routine that we do day in and day out, year after year. It's called responsibility. Showing up on time, paying bills on time, saying no to invitations on a whim because you have to do things for the greater good in life.
However, the number one fear in life is to die alone. Basically, not taking a person in is not necessarily abandoning the person. You can hold their hand, invite them for the Holidays' and oversee everything, however, you don't want to go down with the ship. It's easier said than done under the best circumstances taking people in. But if you pick up a Scorpio and it stings you...you knew it was a Scorpio when you picked it up.
Everyone has one in the family. One minute they're in California the next they're living on an Indian Reservation. If you in turn get up and go to work, keep your house in order, pay yours bills, go to Church on Sunday, early-to-bed, early-to-rise, they think you're boring. No, it's called maturity and acting like an adult.
Don't sign anything that will follow you. You can collect resources--hire an Elder Attorney, Social Worker, perhaps go log onto the portal with the Primary Care Doctor but don't be coerced into a situation that you know upfront is not going to be a happy ending.
I have a feeling if your mother-in-law goes to an Assisted Living, she'll meet husband #8! Hopefully she keeps marrying up.
You can however, visit, help mark her clothing, go out for lunch now and then--a phone call on a Sunday night.
Best of luck, prayers are with you...Amen Sister!
No reason for you to feel "guilty" (by the way a much over used and misused word if you ask me.)
Plan your lives. Continue with the plans you have and be glad that she is not going to freeload.
(by the way a side comment and I hope you do not take offence...When you say "my partner and I recently bought a house..." I do hope that you have protected yourself and your investment and that both of your names are on the mortgage and that this is an equal partnership. Ya just never know....)