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You are absolutely right to say no to the MIL. Her past behavior DOES matter. It is a pattern and one that you and your partner do not need. Plan your life and let her live hers. She has been quite resourceful in the past so I'm sure she will be okay. If down the road she does need assistance you can open up to her again at that time. Assistance does not mean live with you. You are in a relationship and both of you have only that relationship to protect together. If your partner wants to help the MIL then it should be in a way that works for both of you. Good luck.
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No and no.
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No you are not wrong. Stick to your plans you both are putting in place. If all 3 children dont want her to live with them that's the red flag you need to be seeing.
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If she ruined your partner's marraige, she will destroy this relationship. She already has a history of this. And all 3 kids are saying no.
There is no telling if she will come for a visit and not leave, even if the apartment is rented. She could stay out in her car, then come in for the day. Or lay on the couch and say she's home.
The mil has not spoken to her son, leave it at that. She decided to cut off contact. Sounds like a tantrum.
Narcs always bully and guilt people. It's how they operate.
Leave it alone. There is a reason her 3 kids don't want her. It is a personality problem.
She cut off contact, so leave it at that. Something tells me she'll be back.
She has a boyfriend. Let her go back to him. Narcs love drama, and disrupting peoples lives. You dodged a bullet.
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I agree with the comments. Find a tenant so she can’t move in and when she shows up she can’t force the issue. Point to the AL facility down the way where you can visit when you have time.

My MIL manipulates people but by the time she wanted to move in or be closer to us or whatever she wanted, which we could not have, she was in no position to drive or find her way to anywhere. She hadn’t left the house in 2 years before FIL died and after he did she took herself to the grocery store and got lost for 4 hours.

She had to muddle through managing on her own for a bit and found that didn’t work, relied on a nephew to the point of abusing him, and was told she would be at the mercy of what her son could do which was the best ALF around. The ALF complained that they were not a prison - that she could walk out, but MIL would not do that. Her cards were cut off, no phone access, no cash to pay for a cab. She does have access to the US Postal System. This is because there is nowhere for her to go with her little dog, that is not house trained. She would have spent down her funds to nothing if left to her own devises.

She abuses everyone she gets ahold of in the family, even those who help her, but don’t put up with her version of the truth, hits people when she doesn’t get her way and is unpleasant.
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I have been married for 24+ years and still play what I call the Foot in the Door game. We fell for it in the beginning but we don't anymore. My MIL is a lot like yours (minus the men) and is a ripe old 90 years old. For years she has been creative with her reasoning of why she has to move in. No thank you. Misery LOVES company.
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Can't imagine why you feel guilty about a situation that she has created. Be thankful that she has put you both out of her FB life. Let her sleep in her new car; she has made her mobile bed, so let her enjoy it. However........... be aware that she still might show up at your place.... manage a "medical event" and try to get into your home (one of my clients did this)! Nope, Nope............... don't allow it not for one minute, not for the one day that the hospital will try to convince you it will take to get her some help. She's dead, remember? Turn on your heels and leave..... never to be contacted again for physical living quarters. I know it sounds heartless but her in your lives are going to ruin it for everyone.... (well maybe not for her because she will have gotten some success) but you and your partner are definitely going to be TKO'd. Don't do it!!! You can certainly be an advocate and visit but living together. Nah!!
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Ummm…NO!! Lol
You are not wrong!! Don’t even think about opening that can of worms.
If she makes her bed hard allow her to lie there!
Of course I’m on the outside looking in.. but my eyes are wide open and I hope yours are too and your partner!
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i would get some renters in as soon as possible. Sounds like you all are setting up emotional boundaries but never hurts to have a physical boundary as well. We have a small house with no place for guest which is fine with me. There is a very nice hotel across the street. I have told my parents so many times we will never live together but having a physical boundary is just reinforcement.
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NeedHelpWithMom Nov 2022
Yep! There are many hotels all around where she can stay.

If MIL does show up unexpectedly it doesn’t mean that she has to enter the home.

I might even be generous enough to pay for her first night at a hotel to avoid her saying that she has no place to go. It would be the lesser of two evils.

This woman has a gift of attracting men! She may find her next man (victim) at the hotel. LOL 😆
(3)
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Because her son was truthful with her and set clear boundaries, MIL has cut ties with him.

Um. Good?

But you know what such people say - "I'll be back..."

You're not wrong. Give your DH your full support, especially in keeping a clear perspective on the situation. She is a walking disaster area, and that wouldn't change even if you and DH did pointlessly sacrifice your wellbeing and your marriage to loving her.

Importantly but by the way, keeping your home safe from her does and will not prevent him or you from being there for her and loving her despite everything in possible future times of crisis.
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Beatty Jun 2022
Excellent advice!

I know people I would certainly advocate for in a crises but never offer accommodation.
(13)
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MIL probably gets her way by guilt trips, then when she has "sucked them dry", guilt trips the next prey (oops, person).

Your partner was smart to stand up to her. Don't undermine your partner. I would not try to figure out her motivation or try to get into her head. Your partner has dealt with her for a lot longer than you and bears the scars. Just take cues from your partner and follow his lead.

My mother "cut me out of the will" at the age of 20. By that time, I got severe cramps whenever she and I talked. She tried to run my life from afar by crying, guilt trips, threats and promises which she sometimes honored, but most of the time, openly told me that I did not deserve it, after the fact. After her declaration to "cut me out of the will", I didn't talk to her for years, however, I did talk to my brother, sister and father. When she saw that I was successful without her, she tried to be nice to me. However, I was so scarred that I only communicated minimally to her, for decades.

Eventually, I gave her another chance to be part of my life, however, I am very cautious to accept any material goods or money from her, even though she now has dementia. Some of manipulative behaviors still happen to this day. When I'm the target, I just walk away or end the visit. When other people are the target, I listen for about 30 seconds, then tell her to stop. Because of her dementia, I don't expect her to understand or be totally responsible for her own behavior. However, I do want to be her advocate if she is mis-treated or she has a medical issue.

Believe in and support your partner. You can be nice to your MIL, just commit to nothing, not even the small stuff, without contacting your partner first.
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Bullet dodged, congratulations. There’s no situation where my MIL would live with us, don’t hate the lady, simply know it would never work. And you both know the same, so no guilt
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She is manipulative and does not contribute as a mentally healthy adult would. Keep the firm boundary of "visit for the day, but not stay" since she has done this before.
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Your husband is being honest, he cannot allow your financial goals to be neglected. Better to deal with mother right now, than allowing her to move with promise to pay rent and more likely never see any money from her, from your description this is typical of person who feels entitled. Best for you not to get involved at all.
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Not wrong. But I wouldn't beat myself up to try to find the right & wrong of it here.

MIL being told no (to living with you) evoked a "consider me dead" response? Wow.

I'd call that umm.. very emotionally immature. Reactive, selfish, manipulative.

Your MIL seems either super excited with someone or cuts them out.

Not reasonable nor polite.

A reasonable person would accept there are varients inbetween. There are *visits*. With start dates & end dates. To suit BOTH parties (not just her).

I suppose IF you can tolerate or enjoy her 1st class dramatic style of outrageously changeable personality - then invite her back into your lives. But she has shown you her style. All or nothing. She takes then leaves.

If I was a shrink (which I'm not) I'd be exploring personality disorders types: Dependant, BPD & Narcisstic.

Personally labels or not, I'd be much happier without her in my life.
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MIL asked to move in because she was “bored of her new boyfriend as he was a “stick in the mud”? After 7 tries, she should have learned to pick better. Why on earth should either of you feel guilty, whatever reason you give for not enabling her next flit to the next sucker – you?
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Geaton777 Jun 2022
Margaret, so true! My mom kept defending a certain cousin who was married and divorced 4 times, pouring out sympathy for him. Kept blaming the "awful" wives. I had to point out to her that HE kept PICKING losers - or- he hadn't learned a thing about relationships for him to keep failing at them.
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Walmarts is hiring. (Greeters at the doors; often seniors).
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Thank you all for taking the time to respond. I showed my partner the post and after reading all the responses he said he feels alot less guilty about the whole situation.
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AlvaDeer Jun 2022
Guilt is for felons and they never feel it. For those who want to help, who only expect decency in exchange for their support? They need the other g-word which is grief. Grief that someone can live so long and learn so little, grief that manipulation replaces thankfulness, grief that everything isn't always easy and perfect and their trying gets so little in thanks. Tell your partner GOOD JOB, and that most of the world knows that.
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Your MIL made an impulsively ridiculous decision to tell DH to 'consider her dead' and say 'she'd rather sleep in her car than stay at your place.' She made her bed, now she can sleep in it, in my opinion. Your DH was honest, laid his cards out on the table as an adult, SHE is the one who chose to fly off the handle like a toddler, so now SHE has to live with the consequences.

Unfortunately, one day soon I predict she will send him a new friend request on FB when she needs something and conveniently 'forget' all that nonsense she blurted out to her son. Watch & see. Impulsive decisions are soon regretted when the person realizes oops, I made a big mistake, didn't I? DH hasn't 'lost' his mother over this..........it's just a temporary hissy fit she's throwing, it seems to me. Mature people work out their problems w/o resorting to passive/aggressive tactics to make their point.

All that to say, no, you are not wrong. She is.

Good luck!
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Geaton777 Jun 2022
I totally agree. I would wager money that after a period of silence from her son, she will find a reason to contact him. He needs to be prepared for whatever new manipulation or insincere repentance she will be dishing up. Or, she'll find new husband/victim.
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She made her choice, Now you and your partner can live your lives. Enjoy
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Do not feel guilty, and consider telling her someone else is already renting out the suite, or is about to. I'm not big on lying, but with relatives this destructive, you kind of have to. Husband should say whatever he needs to say (because she will be back) to avoid having her ever stay in that suite. If she does come for a holiday, put her on the couch, and have a trusted friend come and go from the suite a couple of times to make it look like it's occupied.

But seriously: don't feel bad. Husband needs to save himself, and his new relationship. Be glad he recognizes that. People like his mother just leave destruction in their paths.
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Consider yourselves Blessed beyond measure!
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A couple of observations:

1) Your partner is a rare person who has made a mistake (letting mom move in the first time) and HAS LEARNED FROM IT to never, ever do it again.

2) It is neither your nor your partner's fault that mom finds herself in this predicament; nor is it either of your faults that her reaction to not getting her way is that extreme ("consider me dead!").

3) I doubt very strongly that her "consider me dead" is indeed the last time you guys will be hearing from her. Relatives like that always seem to find a way back from the "grave".

My only advice to you: if there comes a time that mom (who it seems is a mistress of manipulation) contacts you *directly* to talk TO YOU because her son is sticking to his guns, DO NOT talk to her alone. Tell her right from the start that you are *UNCOMFORATABLE* talking with her/to her about her future WITHOUT your partner included in the conversation from the onset. If she senses any weakness in you, she will swoop down like a bird of prey and try to get you to come over to "her side". You and partner need to form a united front on this. It would not surprise me if that's how she ingratiated herself into partner/ex's home the first time around.
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Onthefencedil Jun 2022
Funny you should say that. I believe that is exactly what happened with the ex!
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You are not wrong. Your partner knows how she ruined his last marriage and know how it could ruin the good thing you two have. Your partner deserves some happiness. She will be fine.
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Just because your partner's mother (not your MIL) is a human pinball machine doesn't mean her kids are required to keep putting in quarters to play her game.
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DrBenshir Jun 2022
I love this response!
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She's a parasite and knows how to manipulate him. He needs to call her bluff. Don't pursue her or contact her. Give her what she's said out loud that she "wants". Take it at face value. Your partner needs to stop wanting her to be someone she clearly isn't, was never and won't be in the future. You will rue the day she moves in with you if he allows it. If there's any doubt just look up other posts on this forum under Burnout. Bless him for keeping your relationship the priority -- as it should be!
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BurntCaregiver Jun 2022
Preach! This is the best advice on the thread. You nailed it, Geaton.
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If none of her three kids want her living with them they have valid reasons.
DO NOT allow her to move in with you and your partner. Believe me she is not the first senior who expects their adult kids to cash in their bank accounts and work until they die to make sure mom has a high standard of living. At the same time they also expect their adult child to become a slave to their every need and want. Don't let yourselves get caught in that miserable trap.
When I moved back in with my mother after my divorce it was supposed to be benefial for us both. What it actually was is something entirely different. I became a nanny-slave to her. Not even a servant because a servant gets wages. She made poor life choices and refused to work thinking it was beneath her then expected her kids to provide.
I was "allowed" to work a job. So long as she was agreeable to the hours and didn't interfere with anything she needed or wanted.. I was still responsible to entertain her, do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, yard work, shopping, other errands and run her around to visit all the doctor's in her collection regularly. She goes to doctor's appointments for entertainent. Sometimes there were three and four a week.
This is what your lives will become because your partner's mother sounds very much like my mother. I'm out of here soon because I reconciled with my ex-husband and am moving back in with him. My mother is not joining us and she is furious. Not my problem. MIL isn't your problem either.
Your partner's mother is a 'senior brat'. When she doesn't get her own way she throws a tantrum and punishes her son with the passive/aggressive behavior like deleting him on Facebook, telling him to consider her dead, and she'd rather sleep in her car than at your house.
Tell her that you're relieved because sleeping at your house wasn't an option that was offered to her to begin with.
If her son and you want to help her out help her find a senior community she can afford. One in her town, not yours.
You say she's been married 7 times? Then this is a woman who has always lived off of someone else and been catered to her whole life. She'll work something out. You don't worry about it.
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Geaton777 Jun 2022
BC, now I see what inspired your username...yikes. Congrats on your new chapter of freedom!
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My first thought - was "Oh, darn, MIL got her feelings hurt because they set reasonable boundaries" - when I read the TITLE of your post. Now that I've read your post - here are my thoughts.

1. "Oh, darn, MIL got her feelings hurt because they set reasonable boundaries"
2. Gird your loins...this isn't over.
2a. She is either on her way to your home OR
2b. She is preparing her flying monkeys to begin their assault on you and your partner to try to make you feel guilty and 'rethink' your 'error in judgment'
2c. She is waiting to see if your partner tries to reach out to apologize and beg her to come stay with you, otherwise she will unleash the flying monkeys
3. If she does visit put her on the couch...or better yet in a hotel.
4. You are not wrong.
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Slartibartfast Jun 2022
If she did visit paying for a hotel would be a lot easier than prying her out of your guest suite with a crowbar!
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For me, I would respond, "Great. Will do" (as to the considering her dead).
Might add a "Let us know if you ever come back to life".
I say you are well shed of her.
VERY WISE DECISION here to make it clear that visits are visits. They are limited to (in this case, say....) one week. You don't get mail at the home during a visit, and you visit FROM a stable place to live, with a nice small suitcase.
For myself, I would be praying that she continues to withhold her lovely self, so you don't even have to worry about a visit.
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BurntCaregiver Jun 2022
Put a timeline on how long a visit is. No more than a week or a month, but definitely put a time on it.
Your post has got me to thinking, Alva.
I'm having legal documents drawn up with my soon to be former ex-husband about no elderly relatives moving in our place or us relocating ourselves to become caregivers.
I think I'm going to bring up to him how much time we will consider a 'visit'.
There are a lot of elderly relatives on his side and a lot of freeloaders on mine.
Definitely something we will be discussing.
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No, you are not wrong.

Welcome to the forum.

Here's the thing, she made her choices and her children have had to pay the price, in their youth and later. Now's it's time for momma to see the consequences of her choices. She won't be living in her car, she's shacked up and will need to make it work. If not, that's on her 100%.

Tell your husband I said "Well done! Implementing and enforcing boundaries to protect your life!" So many adults have a hard time telling their parents no.

Don't feel bad or guilty, these type of people will devour you and not think twice. Nor will they care if they destroy you.
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