DILburnout Asked June 2015
My mother-in-law has a daughter and a son who never step up. Any advice?
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Daughter-in-law burn out. After seven years of unbearable stress of caring for my mother in law, we find ourselves with a possible out of state move. I have asked my husband to talk with his brother and sister to have one of them take over since the move is going to be very stressful enough. I have told him I do not want to take her and it time for one of them to step up?
Am I being unreasonable ? I do not know why she is my responsibility and not her daughters. I am considering a divorce since I see no way out of this situation and I never thought I would be a caregiver for her. My husband said he does not like ultimatums.
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If his mom needs care, he and his siblings need to decide what to do. It might not be as easy as "Putting her in a home." Since, she still has some rights.
I think you're justified in expecting the siblings to become involved, regardless of whether they live in the area or elsewhere.
If the ultimatum is what your husband anticipates receiving from you, don't give him one, but you could consider giving one to his siblings, very nicely put in a letter or e-mail advising that you anticipate moving out of state around a certain date. While it has been your pleasure to take care of your MIL, you (a) don't want to deprive them of her company by taking her with you (b) there won't be adequate room in the new house (c) you feel it would be too traumatic for her and she needs to stay in the area. You're glad to have the opportunity to allow them to share in her care now however.
You'll be leaving no later than xyz date; they should advise you as soon as they've completed their arrangements to move her to their homes or in a facility. If you haven't heard from them by a given time (maybe a few weeks before your move), you'll consider that they're opting out of care and you'll make arrangements for her to live in a facility.
That's a forceful but tactful way to handle it, but it may annoy your husband if you don't work out an agreement with him first. If he's adamant that you're going to continue to provide free care, then you may have to give him an ultimatum and make your own plans.
Are there children involved?
And while it's easy for me to write this, I think of the MIL who no one seems to want and feel sad that, regardless of the kind of person she is, her own son and daughter don't seem to be concerned enough to step up to their responsibilities. It must be hard to be an unwanted parent.
I agree you've more than paid your dues after 7 years, especially given the fact that she's not even your parent. You've done way more than your share - you've done everyone else's share as well. Just the same, it probably won't work for your husband to tell his siblings that they need to take over. Neither one will want to do it, even if both of them think the other should maybe take over. A better approach would be what chicago1954 alluded to - tell the siblings that the bunch of them have to come up with a new plan for Mom because his family is moving and Mom isn't coming along.
I may be reading this wrong, but it sounds like husband is being a coward about this. It sounds like he's pushing back on you (and trying to put blame on you for phrasing your position as an ultimatum) rather than actually considering your feelings and the inherent unfairness of the situation. I think you almost have to give him an ultimatum. You have to be clear that taking MIL along to the new home is not negotiable, because if you give them any wiggle room, they'll all work their way into leaving the situation exactly as it is.
They need to jointly come up with another plan for MIL. This could be moving in with one of the other siblings, a senior residence, paid help, government services, Medicaid, a group home, splitting time among the siblings, having her move in with another relative or friend, whatever. They have to sit down and go over what's feasible and what's preferable for MIL and come to a consensus. As long as it's understood that you continuing to be primary caregiver is not one of the options.
But you certainly have the standing, authority, and power to say what YOU will do. You can say, for example, "I will not continue living in a home with my MIL." And you can enforce that. If that is an ultimatum, so be it.
This is not about whether your sib-in-laws are selfish. It is not about them at all. It is about what YOU are willing to do. If that no longer includes a stressful living situation, you need to make that perfectly clear.
Couples counseling might be a very good idea.
Seeing a family law attorney to find out what your options are if you are considering ending the marriage might not be a bad plan either.
Get a middle man - like a geriatric social worker, or a counselor, to sit down with both of you and mediate the situation. Another opinion from someone not in the family may help persuade him that it's time to involve the rest of the family.