I have a problem, my mother-in-law is not cognitive wise anymore and gets confused and very anxious and extremely needy where I am working and running back and forth all the time and getting run down myself with no life with my family. She is willing to some days to go to an assisted living but here's the problem.
My father-in-law who is better than her doesn't get out of bed 1/2 the time and refuses to go with her so she doesn't want to leave him.
I am between a rock and a hard place. I want to do what's right for my mother-in-law but my father-in-law doesn't want to leave his home.
Any advice would be appreciated.
When I told my stepdad that I couldn't keep coming over to do things for him and mum, and that he needed to increase the care, he thought I was being selfish and unreasonable.
He said there was no point in getting carers because he wouldn't know when he wanted the help (but he didn't mind getting me out of bed, or calling me at work to "pop round" most evenings, even though I don't drive, so I would get home too late for dinner etc.)
I pointed out that he always seemed to need me to pick up their prescriptions, despite the pharmacy offering a delivery service, or to go after work , between 5 and 6 each evening to make their tea. These jobs could easily be done by others. If he agreed to move to a retirement facility that had carers on-site, I wouldn't need to be called out every time he fell, including in the middle of the night. I cared, but I also needed to go to work and keep my job.
In the end, one of Mum's hospital stays meant they needed to move to a facility with a lift and for a care package to be in place before they'd discharge her to her own home. He has moaned constantly about how much he hates it there and how it's my fault that he agreed to move, but I know he's safe (Mum died recently).
He did everything he could to make me feel guilty for not dropping everything to go into hospital with Mum, after the first couple of times when I spent over 24 hours from the time of the ambulance being called, Mum being assessed and monitored in A&E, then being admitted onto a ward and liaising with the doctors. I missed too much time off work and got ill from the circumstances.
Then, he would pile on the guilt if I didn't visit Mum every single day, although I was there most days (he visited once a week).
I know that I did the best for my mum, even when I backed off. She needed professional care and that only happened when I told the hospital that I couldn't prop them up any more.
You have to be cruel to be kind, as the saying goes. I don't think it's cruel; I think it's sensible.
STOP running yourself ragged with MIL's needs. If MIL won't go to AL because her husband refuses, then her husband is who takes care of her needs, NOT YOU.
You cannot keep being an unpaid caregiver. STOP running over there! Tell MIL you work and have your own family to take care of. Start saying NO.
Why isn't your husband dealing with his parents?
Whatever you do, DO NOT move in-laws in your home.
Your MIL doesn't have the cognitive functioning due to parts of the brain impaired and brain cells dying. Yes, depending on the type of dementia, she will continue to be confused, anxious and needy.
If her husband, your FIL, doesn't want to 'go with her' (which I do not understand) - in essence, if he is of sound mind, have legal authority to make decisions on their / her behalf, there is little you can do.
It sounds like your husband needs to intervene on behalf of his parents (vs you) in getting both of them medically assessed for dementia. Once this is documented, you/r husband can see about getting some / more legal control for decision making on their behalf.
Do learn about dementia, how the brain functions, and what parts of the brain manage what thoughts/behavior. Google TEEPA SNOW. Read her website, webinars, You Tubes, books. Remember: Their brain is doing what it can while losing cognitive abilities. They cannot necessarily 'help' the decisions they make. Your FIL may also be depressed - staying in bed 1/2 the day. He likely has other medical issues needing to be addressed.
If you do not set limits of what you will (or learn what you can do), you will burn out. This 'isn't your problem' may sound cruel, however you need to figure out, perhaps with your husband, and perhaps your MIL's husband what you can do based on what they are willing to do.
At some point, you need to let go. Since you already say 'you have 'no life with my family,' you are way beyond that red flag. S-T-O-P. Realize you can and must set limits and ultimately, if your MIL's husband doesn't want to 'do' anything and he is of sound mind, there is likely little you can do.
If it were me, I would discuss with my husband and [perhaps] call Adult Protective Services (APS) and see what they say. They may make an assessment visit.
You are only between a rock-hard place because believe you are. You have put yourself in this position (no criticism). It is a matter of realizing your limits, responsibilities, and creating boundaries of what you will and will not do, and realizing you need to let go 'more' and focus on your immediate family.
I am perplexed as to why you do not mention your husband as these are his parents.
It is OFTEN very difficult to 'do the right' behavior for older people / family members due to their resistance. My friend-companion had a stroke and when the paramedics came to his apt they assessed him medically and said he needed to get in their ambulance and go to the hospital. He didn't want to go. I was there and having legal authority, I made the decision. He was then taken to a nursing home after hospitalization/assessment. He could not make a decision that would serve his best interest. Although, out of respect to him and many other elders who are 'fed up' and had enough ... if. they do not have the will or desire to keep living / taking care of their self - as they decline mentally, psychologcally and physically (in all ways), it is their decision. I respect their decisions, although unfortunately 'most of them' are made when cognitive functioning is impaired.
Let us know what you decide to do. Take a deep breath. Do 5 good things for yourself each day (talk to your kids / husband, garden, have some fun, go out to the park ... turn your thinking around and do not make this your burden. You can only do so much and then you need to let go.
Gena / Touch Matters
Move MIL to meet her needs.
FIL may follow because there will not be anyone at home to assist him.
There are facilities that are more independent, but serve 3 meals, transport to doctor's, and do laundry.
MIL might improve without FIL needing her, maybe wearing her out?
She may be isolated, and a change can do her good. There are people there to socialize.
And don’t let them tell you how selfish you are for choosing your own family over them. I am still seething over having received that speech.
Yes, at times it is only when the sh--t hits the fan that a person realizes that 'this isn't working' and becomes more willing to make changes. Other times, they are unable to due to dementia.
This woman needs 'positive self-talk' to learn to put herself first - then her immediately family, then others. It takes intentional inner work to do this and doesn't happen over night. Although, it is often 'times like this' when loved ones (elder parents) change that the entire family dynamic starts to change - because it has to. Unfortunately, so many adult children do not understand dementia and 'ask them what they want to do' - talk to them as if they have full capacity of their cognitive functioning. We, as a society, are NOT trained on how to deal with a person inflicted with dementia.
Thank you for supporting this woman to set realistic, healthy boundaries (and priorities) for herself. Gena
I would also tell my husband that I am retiring from this position, they are his parents not yours. It is his responsibility not yours.
Time to back off and get your life back. Good Luck!
you tell father in law that mother needs to go into the care home or they will force it as you can’t cope anymore running rag back and forth you are getting ill ( the doctor says)
tell mother IL that father is being stubborn but once she’s in he will agree but won’t presently and you are not getting the care you both need
and agree a date with her
once father I-L sees she’s gone and misses her he may have second thoughts
why change if he can have it as he wants-
failing tvat ho speak to their doctor and discuss and hear what they say
eirher way
your health and life is important as well and if you’re father in-L has his faculties he can see you running headless and basically doesn’t care
so
you must
You are helping them
not giving up your life for them
good luck
just remember you matter as much as they do
another suggestion is a care person comes in x days a week and they get used to being looked after. Y a care person
forget the guilt trip- it her suggestion not justified
good luck
And who does all other chores? Cleaning, shopping, cooking?
Your husband needs to make arrangements for his parents i.e. AL. Two weeks to one month is reasonable to find one.
So, sorry, but you do need to set some serious boundaries and reclaim YOUR life. Your priority MUST be your personal family. Make a plan today and enact it tomorrow. They will whine and cry and maybe yell. That's OK. Of course they won't be happy. But are you happy with this situation?? Obviously not. Things will only change if you make them change.
Best of luck.
OR
Both of you stop "helping" and let your FIL figure out that he really does need the help of Assisted Living.
If you and or your husband continue to jump in and do what needs to be done there is no incentive for them to make a change.
When my SIL married my BIL she set boundaries from the beginning. You deal with your parents and I deal with mine. If my SIL had a problem with our MIL, my BIL handled it and visa versa.
But if you want to get them into assisted living then you need to stop doing anything and everything for them.
FIL sounds like he has depression if he is healthy and rotting away in his bed most of the time. MIL sounds like she may need memory care or a nursing home at this point.
And where is your husband in all of this? I assume these are his parents so why isn't he the one running himself into the ground doing the propping up for mom and dad?
All I can say is there will be an illness or a fall requiring a trip to the emergency room in the near future. You will just tell the medical staff that this is an unsafe discharge, that your in-laws cannot take care of themselves, let alone each other. That is what I had to do for my father and then for my mother. We placed them both in the local NH. They were together there for 9 months until my mother passed in June. Not the greatest thing to have done but it was what was needed. My sisters and I could no longer handle their care.
I also hope your husband is in the trenches with you and that this situation is not all falling on your shoulders.
Peace be found.
Why would they want to move when this is working well for them (no matter what it's doing to you).
Time for a long sit down talk, and then a withdrawal of your support and care, so they can recognize they need said to enter care. Give them all emergency numbers to call, and a list of agencies to call for paid support.
Could be Dad-in-Law is afraid of the cost, because it could cost them both around $10k per month to both be in Assisted Living (cost depends on location), and he could also doesn't want to admit he needs help.
As others have mentioned, time to cut back on running back and forth. Learn the phase "I cannot possibly do that". I wished I did that with my own parents.
I'm sorry to say that many times something bad has to happen to get the loved ones into the proper care facility to meet their needs. I did homecare for 25 years and I will tell you from experience, that the more you prop their lives and the false independence they think they still have, the more stubborn they will become in their refusal to move to AL. So you stop running over there every time your MIL works herself up into a panic over nothing. Or because she's needy. You have to step back to help them. They need to be in AL and they will be if you stop doing for them at every turn.
Is there a POA active and in place? That helps, but if your FIL isn't incapacitated no one can force him to go or do anything. He's the next-of-kin to your MIL as well.
Call APS (Adult Protective Services) and report this situation. Tell them two vunerable elders with dementia are living alone and need to be placed. Ask the police to do regular wellness checks on them. They will and when they see your MIL's hysterical anxiousness and neediness, they will get APS to act. Then likely both of them get sent to AL, or at least your MIL does.
You need to tell your spouse that this is not working any longer . Then both of you together tell your in laws that either they hire help to come into the home or both of them have to go to assisted living , whatever you think would work best . If they need help available 24/7 then assisted living is best .
Stop running over there . A wise social worker told me “ Stop helping them , let them fail , so they accept help from either hired help at home or assisted living “. You are propping them up so they are able to stay in their home with a false sense of independence . They are not independent .
Hopefully forum1641 will heed your advice!
He will never leave as long as others are caring for him 24/7.