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I’m an insurance agent. At the MIL age she would probably only qualify for a small guaranteed term life policy. It ends at 100 yrs of age. 10k perhaps. My mom has been living with me 20 yrs. I have this type of policy on her. She is the owner and I’m the beneficiary. Of course I pay for it. But it will cover funeral expenses.

We all will be at the mercy of others as we age. Better to be kind and hope that kindness will be returned when we need it! Many are bitter regarding taking care of our aging parents which is wrong.
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NeedHelpWithMom Nov 2019
Useful information about insurance, thanks. What is the average price for this? I’m sure some may be interested in knowing.

It is sad to be bitter. Please don’t judge though without knowing the circumstances. Some parents have mistreated their children for years and bitterness is a result of that until the healing process begins. At that time a person who has been hurt can choose to forgive and bitterness can cease.
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First she should be paying some rent & utilities to you otherwise she is freeloading on you & no wonder she assumes you will do it - give her the news that she needs to pay a certain amount each month - get a real estate person to tell you what you could get per month & charge her at least 1/2 of that - otherwise all her money will split evenly with hubby & sibs but you will be subsidizing their inheritance out of your own pocket

Then start trying to have at least say where she wants to be buried otherwise start looking at absurb funerals & show them to her .... at least you'll know what she doesn't want
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This is an issue for your spouse to manage with other immediate family members. Stand back and let him know you will support him but you should end it there. One’s own mortality is not easy to discuss. However, unless your MIL has cognitive issues, these discussions are imperative.
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What I would do is this. You say she has disposable income each month? What is it used for? I would, via an eldercare attorney, try to get a POA. I would not allow her to use that money for anything except IMMEDIATELY PAY OFF A FUNERAL HOME FOR FUTURE COSTS. DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, PAY FOR THIS. She must pay that herself. You may need help in getting this accomplished. Second, YOU go and decide what kind of a funeral, it can be extremely simple, and cost very little if it is planned now. Just do it. Make the plans. Take her money monthly until it is paid. She has no right to expect others to pay for it. Some people will never address these issues and literally have to be forced to cooperate or means taken to control the money so it is used intelligently. Do NOT give in to her crap. Take the bull by the horns and think of YOURSELF first.
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Riley2166 Nov 2019
I am Riley. If she lives with you and is not contributing to the household costs, then TAKE THE MONEY FROM HER. Then use it for the funeral and do it now while you still can. Do NOT let her get away with her behavior.
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Update:  Husband spoke with his mother.  She again stated her funeral and expenses are not her responsibility, they are ours.  He told her that there are her other three children and they must be part of the planning.  Her response was that we were selfish to ask them for money because we know they have less than we do.  At that point, I got up and walked away.  (They do not make less, they plan less and spend much, much more.  Priorities have always been a staple in our lives, not theirs and we should not be punished for this).   Husband and I spoke with each other later.  Decision made:  We will pay for cremation and urn.  ONLY.  Any funeral gathering or services will have to be planned and paid for by the three other siblings.  We will not go into debt and will not pick up a bill for a fancy funeral.  We actually went and set aside $3000 into a separate account for the expenses we are willing to cover.  That is all.  This should cover cremation and a simple urn.  That is all we are willing to do.   Her sister passed over 6 months ago (I know I said recently, but it was six months ago).  She saw what problems came out of her sisters lack of planning and such.  It is absurd that she feels this is our issue.  We will not address it again with her, but our decision will stand.    As for her disposable income...she REFUSES to pay for anything.  Her response always is that she didn't make my husband pay her to raise him.  Very frustrating.
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notrydoyoda Nov 2019
Sounds like it's time to tell 'that woman' to go live on her own. She could live another 15-20 years. Do you want her that long in your house? She's one selfish free loader who is using ya'll.
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If she refuses to pay for anything, then the free care, room and board is not worth anything to her.  How cruel to say that your husband didn't pay to be raised.  He was a minor with no income, no job and her offspring and responsibility!!  She is not.  She has income and a proud woman.  If she is grateful at all for the care and your willingness for her to be in your home, she should WANT to contribute something to her care and upkeep.  She knows there are costs involved.  This boarders on being stingy and cruel, and I would consider finding her other living arrangements.
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Wuzzy, is it possible to just stop giving her anything? Like no grocery shopping or soap, shampoo etc.? Then if she says anything you can always say that you are not paying for her, she didn't raise you.

I know that you probably can't do that, but can you tell your husband that it is time for her to live somewhere else? I think that you could rent that 1k apartment out for a decent amount, even an Airbnb would produce income instead of sucking your retirement so she can favor the other 3 children. Aaahhh! I wouldn't even be able to look at her I am so discussed with her attitude.
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Since she told you she was not going to make any decisions, then you will make them - and, I'm going to be blunt here, it will be entirely your decisions, that it to say, any funds she leaves behind can be sued to pay for a reasonable funeral. Your funds will not be involved.  If she leaves nothing, how about donating her body to the nearest medical school?
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BlackHole Nov 2019
Bingo.
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Hello Wuzzyblue,
WOW. I can see how frustrating a situation like this can become. And seeing how your husband’s sibling had to foot the bill for your MIL’s sister’s funeral only adds to the stress.
First of all you need to have a frank conversation with your husband about the mountain of money that you’ve spent on creating a lovely space in your home for his mother, and the equally hefty second mortgage that now falls to the two of you to pay. It’s probably safe to say your husband’s sibling will NOT be stepping up and paying for another funeral. Perhaps you can suggest to your husband that he sit down with his mom and set some guidelines about money - since she’s got it in her head that she has had a home built especially for her and she has no intention of contributing financially to your household.

Also, hubby should gather his siblings and make a plan on how they can all chip in, a little at a time each, into a fund that will go towards their mom’s final expenses.
And finally, speak to your MIL directly. Gently remind her that the death of a loved one is devastating, and is further fueled by stress if there is no plan in place to see that a service and burial are taken care of. Know for SURE that the death of a parent or other family member can bring out the ugliness in people. Especially if there are expenses to contend with. But do let her know that you’re happy she is still with the family now - but one day she will pass on and you’d want the family to be able to spend that time remembering her, and not running around trying to orchestrate an unplanned funeral AND figure out how to pay for it.
I hope this helps. Hang in there.
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