Hi all - My 86yo mother is rapidly declining physically and cognitively (vitals still good). She was moved to the rehab side from her AL facility about 10 days ago. They're not quite sure yet what's going on - she's completely lost use of her legs in and has trouble swallowing - but I trust her CNP, and we are working together to determine the prognosis and ultimate decisions for her treatment and care. In the meantime I DREAD calling her - she's very difficult to understand now, but is obviously very angry and depressed. She's blaming me for 'putting her there' and it's all for money, which I know isn't rational but still is difficult to hear. Add on to that we may need to move her to nursing care during a pandemic, and trying to structure her finances in case Medicaid is down the road too. Any advice and/or words of support are appreciated! :-)
Please make sure you know the "lookback" period for her state of residence so that you can be fully aware of what they'll be scrutinizing.
If her facility is able to set up Zoom or FaceTime video chats I'd do that with her so she can see you, but when she veers into negativity and unproductive talk you will need to redirect the conversation to other things, like positive news about family and friends, funny things your pet did, anything (and it helps to have this thought out before you call her). THere's not much else you can do except to reassure here there weren't any other good options and you're doing your best to make her situation better.
Does it sound to you as though she’s acting out because she doesn’t understand and/or remember why she was moved? With her age and history, that certainly wouldn’t be unexpected. If she’s used to better mobility, that would be a further frightening and traumatic situation.
Have you been able to ask her caregivers what they suggest, and how she’s acting when she’s not speaking to you on the phone? If she’s relatively peaceful and seems comfortable, it really might be better for the time being to call her more infrequently for the time being.
You have every ounce of comfort and support my poor words can offer. Hugs too. Doing the hardest things imaginable with the deepest love from your heart is sometimes all there is to do. I’ve been there in the past, and I’m there now too. Please be gentle to yourself, and stay in touch as often as you can with those who are with her now.
Take peace from the fact that your actions are driven by your love for her. However far away she seems right now, she will know that.
While covid is a real issue, not getting necessary medical care is a much BIGGER issue right now. My husband had to get open heart surgery on Oct 30th in the middle of this pandemic mess, and I visited him daily, and both of us came out virus free. He's back in the hospital again now for lung issues..........but what's the alternative? Get your mother the medical care she needs so a proper diagnosis can be made. THEN the CNP can devise a treatment and care plan based on the findings.
My mother is almost 94 and lives in a Memory Care ALF which she had to be moved into after a stint in rehab and a stroke. She blames me for 'putting her there' too, because her brain isn't working right anymore. I find it very difficult to talk to my mother on the phone lots of times, so I keep the conversations light and BRIEF. As soon as she goes off on a rant, it's time for me to hang up. I set down boundaries with her in spite of her dementia...........because it's necessary for MY well being. Remember: there isn't only ONE person involved here. YOU are equally involved and equally important as your mother. Decide when you will call and how much time you will spend on the phone with her before the conversation gets too toxic. Then it's time to say goodbye.
Wishing you the best of luck with everything you're facing; it's not easy, I know. Sending you a hug and a prayer, too
You say you trust her medical care. Has a UTI been ruled out.
You are doing the best you can in these trying times, and I think that is all that you can make clear to your mother. She is alone, afraid, and seeing changes she doesn't understand as well, so there is hardly a reason for her to be happy on the phone.
Try to reassure her that all are doing the best they can for her. So sorry you are going through all this, and Mom as well.
He is in a transitional nursing/rehabilitation facility. He is dealing with delirium, he is fine one day, mumbling and forsaken the next. If he can’t regain his mobility, he won’t be able to go back to Assisted living, and we will have to look at applying for Medicaid and all that entails.
Rehab is exhausting since the patient/client is expected to work hard to regain mastery of whatever function is "impaired". Does your mother resent that she is expected to do a lot of hard work? Does she expect to just have her needs met -regardless of her sudden inabilities?
If she does not really participate in rehab, then using the money for this type of care is a waste. She may do better moving into either a long-term facility which can meet her needs or in having paid help in the home to meet her increased needs.
Good luck.
Talk to staff to check on her progress,
This might help you with perspective.
I think we are not very well prepared for how people behave in old age - at least here in the west. Most of the films we see portray old people and dying in quite a santised way. The upshot is that it is a shock to find that in the place of a reasonable human being you have a petulant and indignant relative who turns on you.
Needless to say, not everyone is the same but this was my experience. Although, to be fair mine we not always reasonable to start off with! 😉
Mind you, she's in rehab temporarily and NOT in a concentration camp, for heaven's sake.
As with you neither of my parents were the most rational people to begin with, so this is her longtime behavior on steroids.
They are Sick & They Arent Changing
Keep it Brief ... Listen for a Min or Two Say Yes I Understand then Tell Her You Love Her & You Gotta Go You Have Another Call Coming In Work Is Calling
Where they feel loved, happier, not depressed and not scared and lonely.
Bring loved one home to live her last days in peace and comfort and hire Care for help
Just keep repeating that to yourself. And limit the calls if they are upsetting you. I don't think it helped our parent in care feel any better to rant to us about "dumping him" and trying to steal his money. I think it just got him more upset. So we stopped calling as often. We call maybe once a week, depending on how the last call went.
We call the caregivers to get reports on him. This is so hard. I'm sorry it's happening to you.
I too have an ageing mother in decline and my mother is 83 in AL. I have a meeting next Monday with CPN and new mental health team for her and dreading it. I total feel for your situation and my situation is just knocking on the door of yours. I know it must tug on your heart strings and she is trying too, believe me. She doesn’t really want to upset you but your mother is lashing out and her own frustrations mainly. She loves you and wants to make you understand but she doesn’t really blame you, you know. I’m sure of it. If you’re the only child that has to sort this out, it’s extra hard(I know)!! Please let us know how it goes and what happens next for your mum as your advice will help me and others too. I’m thinking of you. So hard for you and your mum x
So for the family members it has made it even more difficult with hearing their loved ones anger, loneliness, diminished health, etc. over what they go through prior to the virus. My heart goes out to each of you. You just need to know you are doing the best through this very difficult time. Checking with the doctor to make sure medically and care the best is being done.
It is easy for others to tell you not to get upset by any of this, however that will not happen. It hurts you deeply. Being a caregiver for a loved one is like being a parent to a child. But they aren’t. We want to fix everything. We can’t. But we can make sure they are safe and taken care of the best way possible. We can not fix everything. We can try to calm them, but if that is not working, change subject and let it go. If that means less phone calls, visits, etc. You need to take care of yourself. Take care of yourself first. Be kind to yourself. Don’t beat yourself up by any of this. You are doing the best you can in this very difficult time in the world.
I always felt a bit strange as my Mom’s caregiver being her mother, but yet she was still my mother. As she demanded things, as she was angry with me, when she refused to do what was necessary, etc. Hard to explain until one is going through it. Now my husbands caregiver. But being a mother to my mother was different. Just know you are doing your very best for her and continue showing her your love in what ever way is possible. Sending you big hugs.❤️
If you have not already find an alternate to go in your place for XX number of days a week or month.
When you get home from this position your home envirnment to be a safe and calming respit from what your dealing with. Be sure to get exersize, get some sunshine. Avoid liquer. Maybe get a massage.
Be thankful she is in a facility and not in your home. Know this time WILL end. Make sure you and your support IE family are doing things that will allow you to look back and say.. Im glad we did it in this manner
I am here to tell you it was one of the worst experiences of my life. The food was dreadful, and seemed punitive because I said no pork or red meat every other meal was a nauseating grilled cheese. There were meals so bad I felt so yucky afterward I told a nurse one night I didn't even want to try to take my meds because I was afraid I would vomit which I had no strength for. I wanted to go outside for some fresh air and that never happened. I truly felt prisoners had more freedoms and rights. I was so stressed just being there, and then all the COVID BS, I felt I was not going to recuperate any worse at home and announced my departure several days forward. I would never advocate rehabs as result of this. Better people get home and have help or therapy coming in. This truly impacted me and my mental well being. I had chosen this place based on proximity to home so my dad could easily visit. Then was told there was a 2 week quarantine on new people. Limited to window visits. Only the window was not allowed to be open! OK, I understand what's behind that, but my dad is deaf and uses an iphone dictation ap to communicate with, so that would not help. That was pretty much the last straw for me. Now I have learned when our elders complain, it IS often with justification. The only thing I would suggest is that the Medicaid process is a challenge, and if finances will let you, I would consult with a certified elder law attorney to take that burden off of you. Even at my age the expenses for my episode are enormous ($47K for the helicopter that got me to the hospital to save me) and I may be looking at applying for medicaid myself. IT shouldn't take a pro to handle it all, but regrettably it does or assures everything is done right by someone experienced with it.
TIA/stroke can have symptoms like swallowing difficulties & I think kidney problems can cause all sorts of fatigue/decline but there are so many other causes... sometimes I suppose no answers are found. You just have to accept *old age*..
Mother is not accepting this, hence her anger.
"She's blaming me for 'putting her there' ".
Big sigh 🙁. Suggest she put that anger towards her recovery instead!
Be empathetic (yes it must be tough being there Mother) but don't accept the blame (Mother OLD AGE put you there - blame that).