Why does my mother who lives with me treat my alcoholic brother like a god and me like dirt?

Does your Mom see a physician regularly? My first piece of advice is to tell her doctor what is going on. Something physical (dementia or alzheimer's) or psychological may be going on. Medication may help her, but won't help you much. I mention Alzheimer's because they tend to turn on those who are closest to them, and treat those they formerly disliked as their best friend. It happened with my Grandma (Alzheimer's victim), Mom, and me. For you, check with Social Services in your area to find income based senior living apartments or assisted living facilities. You can keep your sanity, and your mother can make friends and have activities to give her social outlets. Independence is a hard thing to lose. She 'needs' you now and probably does not like it at all, where your brother still 'needs' her. When she has her own home again, it will probably quell some of the anger at towards you. Don't let guilt and/or manipulation from her stand in your way of reclaiming your home and taking control of your life back. You only get one, you know. She has had a long one, and in her right mind she would want you to have a happy, independent one.

Sticks: Thanks for sharing about the ownership of your home. I asked about it because I wondered if you felt indebted to you mom because she helped you obtain the house. So now it is clear that it is your house and the only thing your mom contributes is some housecleaning which she can't do so much anymore due to arthritis.

I think Fordellcastle had a good point in suggesting that your mom see the doctor and get a full work up. Maybe she has a medical issue that is causing her to be so difficult. Take some steps to rule that in or out.

Libracat made some comments that also made sense. It's funny how mom's can be so harsh to daughters who do so much for them and be so protective of the sons who do nothing and have obvious problems.

If there is not a medical problem to address your mom's attitude, then I would suggest that you check into assisted living for her. She pays no bills, so hopefully she has saved her money.

Your mom is relatively young and she has no major health issues from what you have said. Do you want to spend the next 20 years like this? You can't get those years back. You are in your very early 40's and these should be good years for you. Don't spend them hiding in your room.

Stay with us here and listen to what people offer. Give it some serious thought and start thinking of a plan to separate you from your mom.

Hugs, Cattails.

Sticks: I just read Austin's post to you. I really struggle with things that SVT says, plus Libracat and sometimes 3PinkRoses. They have lived a life that I have been exposed to, but not anywhere to the extent that they have endured. They so understand the mental hard wiring of a person raised by a narcissistic mother. I spent my time in therapy, as has SVT. It takes a lot of effort to do that and try to change the perspective that you've trusted all you life, but it can be done.

Here's the problem I have with babying along someone who continues to take abuse from a parent, no less in their own home. What would these same people say if you were living with a man that beat the crap out of you physically everyday. Would they just say how they understand your pain and not encourage you to make changes. Abuse is abuse and at some point in our lives we have to take steps to heal ourselves. In the case of an abusive husband, you get a restraining order or move yourself to a battered women's shelter. You don't stay with someone who inflicts pain on you everyday. Why is it less abusive to be emotional tortured and made miserable than it is to be physically abused. The scars are less visible, but they are there and they change how we love and who we think we are. The fact that we just continue to accept the abuse is an indicator that we don't see our value and the wrongness of the pain we continue to accept.

That's what really upsets me. Someone who intentionally hurts you is an abuser. My husband was in law enforcement for 35 years and I've seen things most have not and I would not wish on anyone. Maybe it is easier to have a reaction to a woman who is in a hospital with photographs of a swollen face, blackened eyes and bandages around her head. That's undeniable abuse and anyone with a brain in their head would want that woman to get to a safe place. That's how I feel about women who are abused and used by their mothers. We just can't see the scars as easily, but they are there.

I respect SVT and I know she is trying to explain the basics to you. She wants to get you thinking about how you think and why you think that way. I may not be as gentle because I know the years SVT has put into therapy (my guess) to get where she is. You could spend a lifetime as you are now. What a waste of your precious life that would be.

Sticks, general rule of thumb. Don't live with or date anyone that does not make you happy. You've spent a long time with your mom and the result is you have crawled further and further into a dark hole. You mom takes up more and more space and rules the roost and you pay all the bills. HELLO!

Sticks, I'd like to see you come home from work and find someone making you dinner for a change. Someone who would rub your feet if they hurt. Someone who would let you know you are special and they feel blessed to have you in their life.

Everyone has an opinion and they are all honorable. I want you to be happy. Don't be lazy about that. If you are too tired to do anything about this, if it's just easier to go hide in your room, then that is called depression and you need to get some help with it. Talk to your doctor about what is happening in your life. Please get into counseling.

You are a precious loving person. Take steps towards your own overdue happiness. Just my thoughts. Love, Cattails.

Hi Stick, to me this sounds like a case of narcissistic personality disorder. Look it up and see if your mother has any of the other symptoms.

Didn't you know? Sons are idolized, while daughters are criticized. He is idolized because mothers don't want sons to see them in a bad light, and she sees him as her "golden boy" who can do no wrong, alcoholic or not. I have the same thing with my brother.
These guys can go to jail, not call their mothers in five years, forget their birthdays, treat them like crap while we, the daughters who do everything for them, are dumped on. It's because they resent another female taking their place and they don't want to relinquish the "mother'" job so when they see us independent with a family of our own, they turn on us because they see that we can operate on our own and don't really need them anymore.
I don't say it is right! I just say what it is. Sick!! PS That "dementia" exucse is wearing very thin and it's an excuse, all right - these doctors are to blame for saying that anyone over 80 yrs. old who acts selfishly and mean has "dementia". Well I'd like a heapin' helpin' o' that please!!

Sticks: I just want to add one more thing. What you tried to do for your mom was especially kind and decent. You are a good person.

Sometimes, over time, things change. Actually, things always change over time. You can't put the same shoe on a 4 year old when he/she is 5 years old. So what worked at one time may not work a few years later, especially when taking care of elderly parents who are getting worse as time goes on.

I'm just saying, don't be hard on yourself. You mom is changing. It's not your fault. I know it's hard as does everyone who has posted here. It's hard to make so many changes to try and make something right in your mom's life and then be disappointed. It can feel like a personal failure, but it isn't.

Many of us have been there. We understand and are here for you. We just don't want to see you take a beating you don't deserve. It's just not your fault.

Love, Cattails.

Okay, Sticks, let's explore your last comment. First, about "changing". Pretty much people don't change. We are who we are. Even when you want to change, when you want to get rid of some childhood hardwiring, for example, it's hard to do. You have to make a concentrated effort. So your mom is not changing, she is who she is. Next, if it's that hard to change yourself, do you think you have the power to change another person? No way can you make your mom change. It would be hard for your mom to create change in herself, so there is nothing you can do that will make her change. Even you doing more for her, buying her more expensive presents, being "gooder" than ever isn't going to change her. It's not about what you do. This is your hardwiring from childhood. As children, we are learning from the minute we are born how to get our parents to meet our needs. As a baby - If I cry, they will feed me, pick me up, comfort me. As a toddler - if I touch that radio dial, they get upset. If I dance to the music, it makes them laugh and be happy. So we are learning to modify our behavior to please our parent to "make them" happy with us, to "get them" to love us. So we're like 2 years old and we think we can control them. Then it gets a bit murkier. In a perfect world, good parents will start helping us discover who we are and how we feel and how to make choices that make us feel good about ourselves. They will validate our feelings and teach us it is okay to have feelings. In this scenario, we would come to know what we ourselves like and dislike, we would learn how to make choices that make our own self happy. Unfortunately, many of us didn't have those parents (and likely our parents didn't have those parents). Instead, we grew up in households where everything revolved around the parent, around the parent's emotional well-being, or the parent' addictions, or the parent's choices. So we got stuck in a world of trying to figure out how to act, how to be, what to do, that will earn our parent's love and it was hardwired into us and we can't stop. I think that's where you are. Whether or not your mother approves of your gift, or treats you nice for a couple of days...this shouldn't be central to how you feel about yourself. You should be able to choose your mother's day gift based on what you want to give, what you can afford to give, what you are willing to give...without the need for approval and without any guilt. Your survival is no longer dependent on her reaction to it. Your value isn't dependent on whether she likes your gift or his gift. (Those of us who grew up in households where love and attention were scarce are very sensitive to competing for that low supply of love and attention.) You were born with value - we all were. Make a list of all your good personality traits. Write a letter to yourself about all the wondrous things you've done in your life, including how you survived your childhood. Read these over and over and over agan. Put your effort into getting yourself to approve of yourself. Forget getting her approval (or anyone else's). Did you buy a scent of lotion that is just heavenly, what did you like about it? Did you wrap it creatively? Do you enjoy wrapping gifts creatively? Talk positively to yourself about you all the time. For every negative thought you have about you like "maybe I should have" or "why didn't I" or "what is wrong with me that I did such and such", say/think 10 positive things about yourself. Change your hardwiring. It takes time. Give yourself the positive, consistent love you should have had as a child.This I can tell you for sure - It is OKAY that you gave her a basket of Bath and Body Works stuff. I love that stuff. I would have loved that gift. There is nothing wrong with you that you gave her that gift. In fact, there is something wrong with her, if she values money more. There is something wrong with her that she is repetitively talking up some other person's gift to you - I mean would you do that to a friend? Would you keep talking to one friend about a gift from another friend? She has the problem, not you, there's nothing wrong with you. Once you make approving of yourself a habit, you will find lots of people who see your value without you having to do anything special for them - other than just being who you are. It is so less exhausting than trying to be who we think others want us to be. Start today being consistently loving with yourself. I think you sound like a wonderful person.

Why is she acting this way-because it works for her -she has arthrities but her mind works well give her 3 months to get other living options-she will just get worse if you want proff read about Elisa on the thread two year Mom has been living with me and see what she went through and finally got strong enough to break out and her Mom is now gone-give her choices AL or NH or live with brother dear-why should you have to hide in your own home-right away so not take off from work to take her anywhere -there are taxie's or busses-stop enabling her-it is about time she grew up and took some responsibility for herself-you do not owe her anything-keep us posted and get strong or else 20 years from now you will be having the same problems-you do not deserve to be treated this way-we teach others how to treat us.

Stick: What does your mom pay towards the living expenses? How long has she lived with you? Did she give you money for a down payment on your home?

I'm just trying to understand why you pay all the bills. Plus your brother lived with you for a while also. Did he contribute to expenses when he lived with you?

Are you tied to your mom somehow with the ownership of the house. If not, then I think it might be wise to consider a new arrangement. It is your home.

Give us some more information so we can better understand. May I ask how old you are?

Sincere wishes, Cattails.

It is my mortgage, utilities, etc. 11 years ago I was living in the city when my mom asked me to buy mike's house because he was about to lose it from non-payment(the house was hers till she took out a mortgage to pay his bills). I kept getting pressure to do it (even though I didn't want to leave the city) and finally caved but only if I bought my own house. She moved in with me he got a job sold the house and moved away. She does clean the house for me, but, arthritis is now extremely bad, but, that was how she contributed. I take her to all the doctors, hospitals, etc, he never has (he lives in area), I have to rearrange work schedule for all this, etc when I ask if he can she says he has to work? What I don't? I've stopped voicing anything re him because she yells at me and says I'm mean and hate him for no reason. I could go on and on with examples, but, what's the point. It just seems hopeless somethimes, but, I keep hoping she will change or appreciate me, but .......