Hello:
My Mother is healthy and has announced she will be moving IN with me when my father passes away. I am an only child and they did not finacially plan for their retirements.
I usually ignore these comments, because who knows what's going to happen ten or twenty years down the road. My Mother suffers for anxiety which is poorly managed, and I'm sure she's mostly ruminating on an uncertain future.
I was divorced a few years ago, and had to sell our house. I've carefully managed the proceeds from the sale and lived below my means to nuture a nest egg so I may purchase my very own house! I'm very excited to finally have something of my own that's not dependent on anyone else.
When I announced my plans, the very first response from my Mother was a list of demands. "Make sure I have space. We will need parking and no stairs!"
My feelings are hurt. I didn't even get a congratulations or any excitement. Besides she knows the neighborhood I want to live in is all old brownstone townhouses. I'm not moving far away from my job now so she maybe can have a flat home to stay in someday. Oh, and I also never invited her.
How do I handle this over the holidays? She will inevitably bring it up. She sulks and pouts and holds grudges if you are firm with her at all. I also want to be humane because I know anxiety is hard. I have no siblings and children, so I'll eventually be in elder care myself, which is something I'm also saving for. She's put a real damper on my holidays and home shopping.
I don’t think you would be happy if you went along with what she wants.
just say that, unfortunately the lovely old brownstone townhouse is all you can afford 😉
if she wants to pout about it just nod and agree that it’s a shame it’s not suitable for her - pointing out all the reasons it isn’t - and be inwardly happy you have the place you want,
I think the idea to get her on the waiting list or right into a plus 55 community is a great idea.
Tell your mom you don't have the resources for her to move in with you. Get the house that you want and need. Your mom will sulk and pout in your house. She will sulk and pout where ever she lives. She will be happier elsewhere whether she realizes it or not. Let her have a tantrum. She does not accept boundaries- that's why she holds grudges if you are at all firm with her. I'm praying for you. This will be hard whatever you do. Choose the hard that does not destroy you.
You are nuts for letting her continue to rule your life like this. Put her in a dang home and get your life, your sanity, and your hair back, girl! Where is your backbone?
My mom says the same thing: “Please, anything but a nursing home.” My answer? “We will see what you need when the time comes.” People! Don’t ever promise anything you may regret! And don’t be afraid to break that promise when you have to. And...you will most likely have to. Get tough.
I'm sorry you are finding yourself with this dilemma. My DWand I started educating our children on matters of financial responsibility in their early teens, They are now in their early 20's and our youngest is 12 and we've begun educating her in all things financial. We also have pointed out to them not to worry about us in later life, we've actively told them about the Trust we set up in my DW's name and had the adult children read through all of the legal papers. We taught them by requiring them to save money, pay for their own gas when using our cars, semi annual payment of their fare share of the annual auto insurance premiums, and what we've set aside for their education. They also know how we've planned for our own LTC needs. We have in-turn tried to get them on the ball in terms of planning on how they will fund their retirement needs. They are not responsible for our retirement needs.
I would not waste energy worrying about how your parents have not planned for their own care. They may have not planned properly for the future, but it is up to themselves to put a plan in action for themselves that does not include you taking care of them.
We know that neither my parents, nor my DW's parents taught us about financial responsibilities other than saying, you have to manage your finances and live within your own means. That was good advice, we started saving for the kids college education when we were engaged, unfortunately the cost of college educations has gone up 1000% from what is cost 25 years ago. We committed to paying for half of their under-grad educations in order to save something for ourselves, the rest is on their shoulders.
I was diagnosed with early onset ALZ 3 1/2 yrs ago, as we were setting up our Estate. We still have some challenges ahead, but do not beat yourself up over what your mother wants. I would pointedly tell her, she'd better get making other plans, because her plans are not your plans. Tell her you're not abandoning her, but you do not have the ability to provide for her future care. This may sound brusque, but negligence on their part, does not mean you should put yourself in financial trouble, because, they didn't plan for theirs. Now, if you won a Mega-millions jackpot, perhaps you can help them out, you have responsibility to look out for yourself. Nobody else is going to do it for you. Hopefully other readers will see this, and begin putting a plan in action for themselves.
I just had my semi annual neurology work up and my doctor has cut me back to annual visits because there are no changes that can be made to my meds. I know I can call upon her if something is changing. We're meeting with our Estate planning attorney to update my Medical Directive in two weeks, because they wouldn't let me be more specific in my end of life wishes, but I am now spelling out I want a DNR Order, no Feeding Tubes, no Ventilator. Just comfort care. God's will be done. Prayers are going up for you.
I have learned the hard way that my mom is a master manipulator when it comes to getting what she wants.
I let her have her way more than I should because I'm
just too stressed to argue. She has Alz./Vasc. Dementia
and can still wrap you around her little finger when she wants
to. Your new home will not be your haven in any way if you let that happen. There are many community resources for seniors. You may be able to get a directory of available resources in your area from your local alzheimers association. Get 2. One for her and one for you. Utilize everything you can, and keep your home to yourself. God Bless and best of luck.
Grace + Peace,
Bob
24x7x365.
Help her find a place where she can live if you must, but please don't let someone take control of your freewill.
Would your mom be open to the idea of living near you, rather than with you? She may have more money than she is aware of. Are you able to talk with her about her finances? Perhaps you can show her that she would be able to live in her own apartment.
Please trust me , living with your mother is NOT a good idea. I argued with my own mother about this. In our area, it was impossible to find any home that met with her approval. She finally decided on an independent living facility, where everything was on one floor. I recommend getting some counseling for you and your mother. She will make your life difficult. Narcissistic parents are rigid in their belief systems, and don't give a damn about your feelings. Both of my parents were narcissists, as well as my brother. They almost ruined my life with their selfish demands. Please don't let this happen to you.
The second issue is how to cope now with mother’s assumptions. How about exaggerating it by turning it into a game. What is your ideal house, mother? Let her imagine everything her way. Then your turn – imagine anything you like, cloud castles in the sky, indoor pool, outdoor pool, view of the mountains, view of the sea. When you buy the house you want, it’s just a stepping stone to the ideal. Don’t deal with reality – she isn’t listening, and it doesn’t need to be addressed until she actually wants to move.
here is the website--
https://www.holidaytouch.com/senior-living
My mother's facility was Redbud Hills in Bloomington Indiana-- very nice--
also had an Eldercare nursing service for "less than assisted living" available.
Which was very convenient for us kids. No, my wife did not want to be in the "help his mom" business.
You need to be taking care of you!!!! I know, I went through the same situation.
Please make sure you have an insurance, policy for yourself., when old age makes it impossible for you to get around town. LOL
My mom has borderline personality disorder & this sounds like something she would pull. Your mom sounds like she wants a verbal fight to put you in your place. You can’t win arguing with crazy & unreasonable.
Don’t tell her another word about your new place. Ignore her. Gray rock her, change the subject, look at your phone, have to go, etc. Your home is your business. You paid for it and only your name will be on the deed.
She should have done the same for herself if she wanted a nice place to live. It’s not your responsibility to reward poor financial planning.
My wife came to the decision that it just could not work. I had the 2 hour talk with MIL that she needed to respect our home, and live within our rules or go back to her house which she was preparing to sell.
Once she realized I was not budging on this decision she lashed out and attacked for an hour. Attacked me, My marriage, her daughter, her grandchildren. Everyone around her was just terrible. I did not respond directly to any of her complaints, I just calmly kept saying “it sounds like you aren’t happy here”. She chose to go back to her home over living with her own daughter.
We dodged a bullet. Our lives would have been miserable, my wife was already filled with resentment for her mother after just six months. This grieved her so much. She loves her mom but if we lived together the relationship would have been destroyed.
After she moved out, things were pretty frosty between us for about a year. But now wounds on all sides have healed a bit, MIL is still healthy in her own home, and now we get along very well. When her health declines again some day, we will find her assisted care somewhere, we know living with us is not an option.
Keep your our eye on the long term relationship. Your misplaced sense of duty or guilt may destroy the very relationship you are trying to protect. You can ensure she is safe and cared for without being under the same roof.
DING DING DING DING DING!!! This is something those who stipulate that we ALL have a duty to and should (?must?) take care of our parents need to understand!
If one can take a parent in and all goes well, fine. However this is not for everyone. There can be many reasons why it can't or won't work! Many like you and your wife found out the hard way. Some also find out the hard way that they are stuck in the mire with no way out.` Some demand kicking parent (or whoever) to the curb without even considering anything else! The happy place is what works best for all.
While it may be a noble gesture to want to do this or try to do this, it doesn't always work out like in the movies or for those few that it does work for. If one wants to and it does work, great. If not, well at least you tried. Personally I knew even before the dementia that there was no way I could take care of my mother in my house or her condo - myriad reasons, including physical health on both sides, but one CAN advocate for and see to it that a parent gets a safe place to live and the best care for their own situation.
Hats off to you, first for having the courage to take on the awful task of telling MIL it isn't going to work (2 hours!!!) AND second for being able to tolerate her backlash for an hour, calmly! Wow!
For some people, telling a parent no in the first place, and telling the parent no again and again requires strength. I wouldn't wait to build those muscles.