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After researching and visiting a number of assisted living communities, I felt this one suited her best. There are only 65 residents, 1/3 are men. The residents seemed to be on her level of physical and mental ability. I passed up the snazzy resort-like community since her tastes are rather simple. The residents where she now lives prefer to sit and watch without communicating. There is no ambassador. No one has stepped forward to introduce themselves. She had high hopes of finding a game partner and making a friend or two. She's not outgoing, but I give her credit for trying to make friends and going out of her way to participate in what activities they offer.


For the past 3 years she lived with my brother and sister-in-law, who begged her to let them be her paid caregivers because they needed the money. Since he is the baby boy of her three children, she happily agreed. My husband and I helped out by taking her 2 or 3 days a week without monetary compensation. Her life with them consisted of sitting in front of the TV all day, with an occasionaly dinner out. Last month they told me to find other arrangements for her.


I guess my question is: does anyone know how to get a LO settled into a new community. There must be other residents like her who need a little help connecting (how to find them?). Any suggestions would be appreciated. I don't want to be the pushy/complaining family member. I just want her to be relatively happy in her new home.

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It's early days. If she were three months in, I'd be more concerned.

Several of the responses recommend that she see the activities coordinator, which is a good start.

You may also want to assist her by arranging a get together of her own outside of the gatherings arranged by the AL facility. Could be for coffee/tea and cookies or something along those lines.

I will say this - sometimes as children/caregivers, we expect too much of AL living environments. There is this expectation that everyone there wants to be friends/have friends and that having arranged activities means that their LO and/or other residents will participate. This isn't always the case. It also takes time for residents to acclimate to someone new.

It may well be that, despite whatever the appearance and presentation were for this AL facility, the residents are functioning at a lower physical and cognitive level.

Give it a few months - if nothing changes, you can look into another alternative.
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sudalu Sep 2018
IAMKHM, I'm beginning to suspect that that may be the case. But, yes, time will tell.
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It is still early, so, I'd give it more time. I'd consider at least a month, before, I would be concerned. In the meantime, I'd do as others have suggested here, such as talking with the Activities coordinator. I did that and she was able to ask my LO to help her with some small tasks that made her feel helpful and special. Also, discuss the dining room and stress how your mom needs to be next to social people who are conversational. They should be able to find a good fit for her. And the staff should be able to broker some friendships.

Find out if they have live singers come. That often lifts the mood and invites people to be in conversation after the music stops.

I'm not sure how much time you have, but, when my LO went to regular AL, I actually would go and visit during the day and sometimes the evenings. I'd sit in the reading room or activity room and chat with the other residents. We would talk about their relatives, which part of the community they grew up, favorite foods, hobbies, etc. I would share of myself, but, mainly talk about my cousin, who was not that chatty. Plus, she had dementia, so, she was not very social, but, was lonely. So, I brought them to her. She would usually just sit and listen, but, it made her feel included. They enjoyed chatting with me, so, they looked at her fondly and would talk to her after I left. Sadly, my LO's dementia progressed and she had to be moved to a MC. Once at the MC, she felt much more comfortable and was quite content. So, you might observe to make sure that your mom and these other residents are able to converse socially.
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Yes, its like being the new kid in school. Usually, they sit people together at dinner to meet each other. It also depends on if they have Dementia or not. Why not go and sit in the common area with her. Talk to the residents and find out their likes. If Mom is interested in the same thing bring her into the conversation.
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Speak with the activities director. And let her know the type of things your mom likes/liked to do. You may actually have to go on the day to make sure mom gets to activities room first couple of times. It can be overwhelming to be the new kid. Also ask if they do any outside activities and if so when the next is planned. These are especially good to help extend both your parents and your social circle within the NH.

Often the outside stuff is not overly publicized as some folks cannot afford to go or they really need a family member to definitely go as they need a shadow or spotter. The residents go in the facilities van with some staff but family go in thier own car and meet up at the restaurant
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A lot of good suggestions from fellow answerers, but I have a different perspective due to my mil. As her dementia has progressed, she has become needy of social contact and conversation. Even so, she does not always perceive what is going on around her in the same way as others.
She complains that others do not talk with her, in fact people do not smile or laugh as much in Ohio as they do in Kansas!
I ate lunch with her at her IL facility and there was much conversation and laughing. She just sat there and ate. Later complained about how everyone just sits there and shovels the food in and then leaves. That's not what I saw but any sort of reasoning is lost.
Don't know if this might be happening for your LO, but just thought I'd offer it as a possibility.
Best wishes.
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sudalu Sep 2018
MARRAM, that certainly is something to consider. She is shy and used to being around family, no friends since she moved to our area 3 years ago. She's hard of hearing and her voice is weak. For her, being social means playing games (she doesn't have to converse). Her favorite is Aggravation, or a simplified form of Hand & Foot.
In the six days of living in the ALF she is more physically inclined while her short term memory has declined immensely. But, she is also quite skilled at manipulating me. This may be her way of getting me involved more. Or it could that the residents are functioning at a lower physical and cognitive level, as IAMKHM suggested.
I will take everyone's advice and give it more time. Thx
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Give it time, change is difficult whether you are the new kid or the old kid on the block.

Encourage mom to continue to be cordial and greet people around her, people that appear comfortable in their own skin tend to be a magnet for others, needy people scare others away, this is true no matter the age group.

All the advice about you greeting and speaking with others is great, as well as you and mom doing an activity in a common area, be sure and laugh and talk just show what fun you are having, make sure that you are doing something that others can join in. When they meander over to see what's so entertaining, invite them to join in. Do a name intro and move on to the fun, lots of people hate to be the center of attention, and questions can make them feel uncomfortable. So a neutral fun environment until there is some familiarity is safe for all.

I found if I always smiled and said hi, no matter the response in about 2 weeks I would get a smile and hi back. Sometimes we have to be what we want to see in others and it is not always easy to take the time or the uncertainty of the situation. She can do this with your help.
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sudalu Sep 2018
isthisrealyreal, yes, I'm already noticing residents smiling at me when I enter the building. And some even verbally respond to my greeting. We met a resident and her visiting sister at the bingo session. They were very helpful and made us feel welcome and comfortable. One week in and things are looking better.
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Sudalu, you mentioned that the activities director doesn't appear to be doing much for your mother. That is a huge red flag. As I mentioned in my earlier post, it is their job to work with new residents to acclimate them. You might want to have a very direct conversation ASAP with the facilities director (boss of everyone) and make sure she understands your expectations and your willingness to help develop a care plan. If the facility is unable to meet your expectations, better to find out sooner than later.
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sudalu Sep 2018
debbye, that's what I was thinking. My plan was to go to the ice cream social before it started and introduce myself and my mom, but my mom had a salon appointment and the activity director was already fully engaged when we arrived. Before I go over her head and complain to the facility director, I will make it a point to chat with the activity gal. If that doesn't work, I will take it up with the boss. Thx again.
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Thank you all for your awesome advice and the continuing support. I love this site! I feel as though I know most of you and I value your expert opinions.

Today I called my mom on FaceTime because I have a cold and couldn't visit her. She has a problem with fluid buildup that can lead to heart failure, so when she told me she had swelling in her ankles, I had her weigh herself while I stayed on the phone. She needed a diuretic but couldn't get the cap off the bottle (that's the one medication I manage for her). She took the pill bottle and phone down to the nurses office and I asked the nurse to help her. Within minutes she had her pill and her juice caraffe filled up and all was fine -- oh, the wonders of modern technology! In a minor crisis like today, I can be there without being there.
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Dadsakid Oct 2018
Hope you’re feeling better soon! Wish you all the best as your mom adjusts!
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I had to be the social leader myself when I first moved Mom into AL. We've got a good activities director, but I can't get Mom to participate in the activities. I talked to almost all the other residents, introduced Mom to them, and got conversations going. I work full time three states away so it wasn't easy, but that's the only thing that could be done. I couldn't count on anyone else. Every time I go back, I have to work to rebuild her relationships. We have to sit with people in the dining room and find things to talk about. Mom gets in bad habits of not going to meals (even tho' we have to pay for the meals that they bring down to her room) and then someone takes her seat and she's on her own again. She was just complaining tonight about not having friends there, when she could if she just utilized the opportunities that are available.
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Can you go with her to a few of the planned activities? Engage others at the table in conversation and introduce her?
maybe go to the dining hall with her and chit chat with other around her? Maybe suggest they “meet again later” for dinner or coffee? (Then She has “plans” for later when you’re not there)
Id try just one or two friends at first. It’s easier to remember names and it’s a lot of information to learn about someone all at once... a friendship can build gradually, and she might enjoy having someone to do things with rather then a big crowd.
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