Hi, glad to have found this site. I’m struggling with watching my mother slip away and at the same time, cannot understand why I’m now the bad guy for trying to make her understand she’s not being cared for by her husband. Her memory loss started several months ago - her text messages changed, her mannerisms, her speech slowed down and she had a hard time putting sentences together. While I saw it, I tried to watch for more disturbing signs before I mentioned it to her. We went out to dinner to celebrate her retirement and she called me from a parking lot down the road saying she couldn’t find her way to the restaurant. We had been there many times, and she’s lived in her current city for over 20 years. She’s always been very intelligent, highly educated, bright, independent, outgoing, strong-willed - all of the things to be admired in people.
She married her husband almost 13 years ago and we were never each other’s biggest fans but we’ve made it work and were able to be very civil for my mom. About a year and a half ago he made a poor medical decision that almost cost him his life. As a result of that incident, he lost his sight permanently. Now being completely blind, my mother cares for him all day, every day. Since her own memory issues have started, she now has both of them to care for. He can’t do much anymore, obviously he can’t drive, he can’t do any paperwork or finish the remodeling on their home. He has his youngest daughter come over and help him with mail and papers/documents, including my mom’s large retirement funds. His daughter is the one who fills out all the online banking info - she helps him sign whatever it is and when my mom asks questions about it, he shuts her down and tells her to go away. I know that from the last good day she had where I was able to talk to her in the garden when he didn’t know I was there. A couple days before the garden talk, we had all gone out to lunch (things were going really well between all of us) and he decided to bring up a ‘funny story’ about my mom’s retirement funds being sent to them in full instead of monthly deposits. He literally had her entire retirement account in his hands and had his daughter help him ‘get it figured out’ and ‘into the right place’. After he shared that, he just blurts out ‘and I have POA over your mom and she has POA over me’. Out of the blue. My mom turned to
him and said ‘we hadn’t talked about that yet’ so I took that as he was having her sign things without understanding what they were. When I questioned his ability to care for her since he’s blind - can’t see her medications, can’t drive her to appts, etc - his answer was ‘my mind is still good’. When I told him I didn’t feel comfortable with him as her primary caretaker due to his poor choices in the past that caused his near-death and blindness, he became irate and started yelling at me in the restaurant. He tried to say his issues were a medical injury/malpractice but I had already known the truth months ago. We left the restaurant and from that day forward, I was unable to get ahold of my mom via text or call, when we had been in regular, consistent contact for my whole life. I would try to text or call her and her husband would respond less than 2 minutes later from HIS phone (with voice command and voice text) saying she didn’t want to talk to me. That continued on for several weeks. The only way anyone in my house (or my daughter in the Navy) was allowed to speak to her was through him. He would hold the phone and put it on speaker to make sure he didn’t miss anything. We could hear him whispering to her about what to say when we’d ask how she was.
Cut to this last weekend, we all went out for ice cream so I could explain why I asked what I asked about the POAs. It was going really well until he started bringing up boundaries and saying how much he dislikes me. My mom and I were on great terms at the end of it. I then received texts from her phone - ‘no further contact for now’
You definitely need the intervention of the APS. Did the police officers not suggest this to you? If she is failing she is trapped by them as surely if she were in prison, but the fact is that she has BUILT this prison around herself by allowing this man to control her life.
TF, this is something that many women do with or WITHOUT dementia; I hope you know that. You cannot protect someone from her own choices. The police were there when you were speaking to your mother. She could have said THEN
"Mr officer; I am being held against my will by my husband and his daughter. Please allow me/assist me to leave with my daughter".
She DID NOT DO THAT. In fact she HELD HIS HAND and said that she NEEDED a BREAK from you.
You need to listen to what you are hearing here. She may be telling the truth as she sees it.
I would stress the following:
A) This is a melded family who has never really had trust, but has managed to "be polite" for the sake of the elders.
B) We now have a woman undiagnosed who may have had a stroke or sudden onset dementia or severe UTI--no one can know because husband will not allow medical exam.
C) Husband has always had control of wife's money including retirement accounts, is now blind and has handed over your mother's finances to his daughter who is not your mother's POA (sadly neither are YOU) and who may or may not be to be trusted.
D) That you have seen bullying, manipulative and possibly nefarious discussion around control of your mother's assets and you are fearful that her husband, as her POA, has turned things over to his daughter.
I would refrain from extraneous and irrelevant problems such as who is responsible for Step-Dad's blindness; it won't look good for you to bring that irrelevant issue in unless there is in depth discussion.
I would ask APS to:
A) sit mom down and discuss with her privately any changes she has noticed in her own mentation of late, and when the last time she saw her MD was
B) who she would want her POA to be given choice her husband (now blind) or her son
C) If she is at all fearful of her husband
D) Who is in control of her finances given her husband's blindness.
I would let them then discuss their findings with you.
In all honesty her relationship with her husband has been what it has been. She was a workng woman yet she gave over ALL CONTROL of all finances to her husband and has allowed this ongoing.
This may be the marriage from Hades but when parents make such a marriage there is little you can do to protect.
I wish you good luck and hope you will update us.
I'd speak to an elder care attorney to find out what you can do, if anything, about this wretched situation with moms husband cutting off contact. With her cognitive issues, she may not be able to stand up to him, especially if he's yelling at her or being mean. With him being blind, I might be inclined to drive over there and pick mom up and take her out of that house myself......along with someone else to back you up. Her husband is pretty helpless to stop you being blind. I have a very strong personality though, so.....
The other thing you can do is call APS to report an elder abuse situation, but if mom says all is well, APS will close the case.
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.
I would also wonder if Moms employer saw any signs that Mom was having problems. Dementia does not happen overnight but a stroke does. Your Mom needs a good physical. It could be anything causing her problems. Stress caring for her husband. He needs to contact the Disabilities Dept in his County and ask for help to learn how to do for himself. Whats he going to do if Mom does have Dementia and she continues to decline? Expect you to care for Mom. His daughter to care for him.
I would call APS for no other reason than to evaluate the situation. Maybe they can help with resourses. Talk to an elder lawyer and see if Moms assets can be protected. And how can u find out if POAs are in place. But when all is said and done, she has a husband.
Him taking control over her pension and allowing only HIS daughter to oversee it and have full access to it through online banking sets off the biggest red flags for me. They tell your mom to “go away” when she wants to know what’s happening to her money? Your mom obviously told you this so even she knows there’s a problem. I considered if your mother may be in physical danger because people have done some pretty terrible things to others if there’s a payday at the end of it.
— We have a man who does not want you and your mom alone to talk
— His POA reveal is an announcement to you that HE is in control
— He takes away and/or controls her communication with you
— He uses her phone to text you making you believe it’s her saying those things
— He may have manipulated her pension from monthly payments to a lump sum payment
— He refuses to let your mom know what he and his daughter are doing with that pension
— He lies to you about who has been in their home
If this were me, I know exactly how I would be proceeding. I think you have an idea what a challenge this is going to be. Are you up for it?
Other than I think you should get yourself a therapist.
You may not be able to do a darn thing, and you need as much support for you as you can get.
Because constantly worrying and not being able to do anything can really do a number on you.
Best of luck, let us know how things are going, and if you have any more questions
Some people will just do anything to protect there abusers. And there is little we can do.
I did not see the PS you put about going with the POLICE to see your mother.
TF, I am quite worried that your mother may actually wish to stay with this man. This has been their marriage for their entire lives. When you showed up with the police and with those questions she had the perfect opportunity to say "Mr Policeman, I am being held against my will by my husband; please assist me in leaving with my daughter".
SHE DID NOT DO THAT
Instead she held the hand of her husband and said that she "needed a break from you". She first denied sending the messages (so as not to hurt you?) and then she said she did and when you asked why she said she needed a BREAK FROM YOU.
You may need to listen to what your mother is saying.
Keep a careful daily diary.
Keep available but not pushy.
I would try to make a relationship with the blind stepdad's daughter WHO MAY BE AS OVERWHELMED now as you are.
That's at least worth a try.
I am so sorry.
This is a mess and at present I don't know how in this "blended family" (or as Dr Laura calls blended families, often a messy salad) you are going to get to truth here.
Your mother denied you sitting right there with police protection.
I did have the police go by for a welfare check a couple days after the garden talk and also made 2 reports with the APS agency, who then showed up to start their investigation on 5/28. It’s still ongoing and I won’t get to know the outcome - they treat the findings like medical records, private. I’m hoping APS does their due diligence.
i know that my mom’s choice to stay with and defend her husband is just that: HER choice. Things go pretty well with him until he’s questioned in any way, especially by me or her. It’s all about him - he’s convinced that what he’s doing is ‘protecting his wife’ and he’s extremely arrogant, ignorant, rude and even insulting to the point of taking jabs at my mom for forgetting where she put her keys or whatever it is. He’s the epitome of narcissistic sociopath and incredibly toxic to be around.
My husband and I just decided today that we’re not going to interact with him anymore - which most likely means no interaction with my mom either. I cannot keep going like this when it’s causing so many sleepless nights and skipped meals on my end. I know she’s not coherent enough anymore to know what’s going on which also means she doesn’t really *know* who I am and how much I care for her. All of my efforts come across as trying to push her into believing who her husband is. So for the foreseeable future, we are not going to reach out. If the day comes where her husband does reach out, I’m not sure how that will go. If he’s so perfect and capable of caring for himself and others, he shouldn’t need anyone else. We couldn’t care less what happens to him. It deeply saddens me to think that my mom doesn’t know she’s choosing a monster but I cannot go on fighting for someone who doesn’t know they need to be fought for.
My stepdad had asked our 2yo to call him Grandpa before all the issues started - we don’t feel that he deserves that honor anymore. We don’t want our little boy to be around such an awful example of a man.
I have to learn how to let go of the mother I had, and I don’t know how to do that yet. She doesn’t remember who she was, but I won’t ever forget her. ❤️