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My mother is Non English speaking. I have been helping her since I was a child, paperwork, and as an adult even more (medical, organizing services, basically everything apart from housework). She is a known verbal abuser. I'll keep the history brief; she's known for major lies, never apologizing and poor boundaries. She has alienated others, friends, family, over time.



She's 80. She spent many years alienating my kids from me. The full extent of this has only recently been revealed.



My plan was to become qualified as an accountant and run my own business. I was a past IT person working long hours for a company. The plan was that this would allow me to attend to mom's medical and other appointments, and set my own schedule for work - more flexible. I had read books about still doing the right things for difficult parents, because it's good modeling for your own kids and other reasons. I was also trained, from childhood, to "attend" to her needs.



I have my own home, but it was a while away from mom, and I had to complete an accountancy placement where I met with clients via Skype during covid, and sometimes in-person. So, I stayed with mom at her house for this, because the in-person part was very close to mom's house. I also made regular trips to mom, but because she's 1.5 hrs away, I would often stay for a few nights. She will NEVER come to you, and on the rare occasions she did, all she did was find something to criticize.



During my work related stay, she kept opening my door despite briefing her that I was at work from 9 to 5. I eventually got in trouble by my manager for this. Additionally, she would never let me sleep; she would make noise between 10pm to 1am, including after she came home from the poker machines (gambling).



One night, after having worked a 14 hour day, she yet again woke me up at midnight, and I had been asleep for 3 hours and woke up in sleep drunkenness mode and yelled at her for 10 seconds. I went back to bed and completely forgot about the incident.



A few days later, I was arrested by police for trying to kill her. She told them this. Luckily another party was present and confirmed I had not done this. BUT, I complained to police about having been arrested, and they took a vendetta against me and then gave me 3 bogus charges which were all Struck Out by the court eventually.



Mum also had me kicked out of her home a few days after the police arrested me. I then spent one year in the courts, administrative hearings, and when the actual proper hearing eventuated, again, the judge said this should not have come to court. I failed all my subjects and now have to re-do my course from the start, and I lost $50, 000 (I did get my legal fees paid back, but I also had a job and I lost my job and had to live off my savings for over one year now). I then suffered many health issues, all documented.



I admitted I had yelled to police straight away. I explained the constant disruption my mother was causing me, esp to sleep, as it's a survival need. I know the yelling was poor behaviour, but even mom said to police that it was a "one off". No physical altercation occurred, to be clear.



One year and three months have passed, and today I got a postal letter from mom "demanding" I go back to her and provide her help. Apparently she can't cope and has no-one left. I am the only person whom ever helped her (I'm an only child). No apology, nothing (I saw her police statement and it was 80% lies, nothing about money but other lies such as "she never helps me" despite having list after list here of the help I've given her for a lifetime). Had another person not been present, as a testimony, I could be in jail for trying to kill her.



Her letter demands I go back there and help her - that was it, basically nothing else.



I am not going back.



Has anyone else suffered this level of issues ? And do you have any opinions.

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My late mother was a very difficult woman, to say the least, but nothing on the order of yours. My opinion is that you should definitely NOT go back into the lion's den again and face more histrionics with a mentally unbalanced person such as this. Being 'trained' to obey and serve from a young age, as you've been, is still no reason to put yourself in harm's way yet again. Once was enough! Having serious charges filed against you with the police all but ruined your life once, you surely cannot face such a thing again.

Stay away, live your own life free and clear of such terrible drama, and silently wish your mother well with her life. Do not respond to 'demand letters' to return to care for her. It would be a very risky proposition for you to do so. Remember what you said, "Had another person not been present, as a testimony, I could be in jail for trying to kill her."

For that reason ALONE, you cannot deal with your mother anymore.

Wishing you the best of luck sticking to your guns about caring for YOURSELF now!
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Margo70 Aug 2022
Thank-you so much - I was almost in a situation of never being able to work again, because where I am you actually need a police check to practice my profession/s.
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"I am not going back".
Short answer: Seems wise.

Long answer:
Stepping in again to help.. if you want to be rational about it - what would a risk analysis show for the following *Adverse Events*?
- Verbal abuse?
Frequency: High.
Effect: Medium-High? (damage to relationship + increase stress)

- Financial risks?
Frequency: past once, but future unknown ?Med
Effect: Severe

- Legal risks?
Frequency: past once, future unknown ?Med
Effects: Catestrophic

Risks of NOT stepping in to help?
Frequency & Effect of stepping out will depend on your thinking. Possible thoughts/feelings of guilt or regret... or maybe not. Maybe acceptance you did what you could. Acceptance it is time for Mother to find other solutions now.
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Margo70 Aug 2022
Thank-you! Yes, at one point of all the court cases I wanted to end my own life and had to seek assistance. I lost 30kg too and have issues in my right leg now. Catastrophic indeed !!!
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Well done for stepping away.

You have no obligation to accept her abuse. She can figure it out or fail, that is what her choices have left for her.

As far as demanding help, HA, not gonna happen. I always tell people that use that crap on me, 1 year old to 100 doesn't make a difference. I can't hear you when you use that tone. Either ask politely or I can't hear you. Your mom, as mine does, thinks she has the right to be ugly, nope!

You got this, keep your boundaries and don't buy into her ugliness or pleading. She has shown you that she would happily destroy you, believe her and remember, she CAN NOT BE TRUSTED, EVER!
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Margo70 Aug 2022
Thanks so much. She was saying for years "I'll throw you in the dirt"... this is after giving help after help and even quitting my job in 2017 of over 100,000 per year to attend to my dying dad !! Mum had 500,000 money in the bank, but she even made me pay for part of the funeral (about 700 dollars, refused to reimburse me) not much but still she was the one with half a million in the bank and I did EVERYTHING for dad's funeral... no-one else laid a finger to help.
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Never have anything to do with your mother again. She doesn’t deserve anything from you! And don’t waste one smidgen of worry over her. She’ll find someone else to intimidate, unfortunately. Fortunately, it won’t be you.
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Margo70 Aug 2022
Thank-you so much.
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I agree -- never go back.

I'll add -- Move, change your phone number, and disappear entirely. You don't even want her to be able to call the cops again and give them your whereabouts.
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Margo70 Aug 2022
yes, thanks phone number was changed ages back. xxxxx
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Don't go back
Don't help her
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Margo70 Aug 2022
Thank-you !! xx
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Guess you got the point. Ignore the letter, as said, do not respond. If you get another throw it in "file 13". If you get phone calls from other family members telling you need to live with her, tell them it won't happen. Calling the police and lying to them cost you a year of your life, a job and 50k in tuition because you flunked your courses because she does not understand privacy and boundries. I would guess at this point none of your relatives want anything to do with her.

She can demand all she wants but you don't need to respond. Pick up your life and move forward. She had shown who she is and you can't live with that. Never live with that.
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Margo70 Aug 2022
Yes, any relatives will not call me, because most don't speak to her now.
Thanks so much, yes RETURN TO SENDER, will be the plan for any other letters xxx
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Don’t have anything to do with her. If you go around to see her, she can lie about what happens. If you don’t go around, she can still lie and say that you did. Being able to show that you have had absolutely no contact, is best. Any other letters, keep them but unopened. She is genuinely dangerous.
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Margo70 Aug 2022
yes, if she writes any more, I will write RETURN TO SENDER.
Thanks so much !! xx
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No, I haven’t been through such. And no, I’d never return to such a situation. I wish you peace
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Margo70 Aug 2022
thanks !! xx
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Wow. Stand strong and have nothing to do with her.

If she doesn't speak English, then how did she report you to the police? Through an interpreter?

I wish you could get some of that $500,000 to make up for what she did to you.
She's not in contact with anyone else in your family? What kind of help does she need exactly? I'm just trying to get a clearer picture of her capabilities.
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Margo70 Aug 2022
She speaks Pidgeon English, enough for basic communication, but not for any paperwork or complex tasks. So, I'm the one who has always helped in this regard. One beef I had, is that the police took her statement without an interpreter... The police are now being investigated, and a future civil claim will be lodged because they tampered with evidence (it's a long story).

What help does she need? All paperwork, including reading all paperwork that comes her way. Being picked up from the hospital (which I did each time). Understanding her medical issues - I hold a phD in science so I always was her medical helper - explaining her conditions and organizing her help. I suspect she has an Intellectual Disability too.

She cannot read nor write English, so she was dependent on me, and I did everything she needed, including organizing local council support for her, cleaners, window washing. She bought a new car, I was there yadda yadda. The list is pages long of the help I provided.

She had water leaking into the house, I called the roof guy, she got angry at me for that too, saying "you always think something bad". The water would still have been leaking had I not intervened. This type of thing happened basically each time I got her help - she would throw it back in my face.... she wanted me to get her a plumber, I did, then she called me abusing me that night - she was not happy with the plumber.

She dragged me to be her POA in 2017 (her idea)- she got the lawyer to call me to say "your mother is worried you will leave her on the street". I then held a meeting with them saying that 1) POA not my idea 2) if you don't trust me, then I won't sign 3) not once did I dip into her finances, AND I do not even know where her bank book is, she hides it. POA was removed by me shortly after this incident happened.

I hope that explains things?

NOW, without me, she knows she can't cope. NO, no-one else to help her. Her nieces do not talk to her anymore.

Most times when I picked her up from hospital, there were times she was constantly in and out, she would yell at me in the car and take out her frustrations on me. One time, I had a full day at work (I'm single, no partner to support me) , I left 2 plates in her sink, then she went right off at me yelling "you couldn't even wash these 2 plates" (and I audio recorded her on this occasion bc she was just getting worse and worse, and in the recoding she says "you have never worked nor earned a dimme" - I hold a PhD and have worked like a dog since 14yrs of age). No thank-you, only abuse.

She had the police kick me out, and now is pleading "prego" is the Italian word, for me to go back. This is what she does - IMPULSIVITY, then does a complete turn around. The boy who cried wolf. She has also lost 2 homes due to gambling addiction, while I've been slaving away year after year at work, only to now lose money and health.
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Thank god you are not going back. Kudos for standing up for yourself.
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Margo70 Aug 2022
Thank-you !!!
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