We live two hours away and I cannot give up my job. Where to begin...my mother has been divorced since 1989 but she is obsessed with that. I love both my parents very much, but their divorce is between them and I am constantly reminded by her "what my dad did" and that I should not have anything to do with him. She lives alone in the home that my father built for them over 55 years ago. My husband and I live two hours away and I have a very good job. My husband was laid off several years ago and has not been able to find a FT job since - some contract work in the engineering field here and there.
So, she has a large ranch home with 1.5 acres and thinks at 85 she can maintain it "with some help." She is very particular and enlists the help of some of her friends - who are saints, by the way - to do this. She has alienated my brother, my husband and me with her constant lamenting of how my father left her. My brother lives on the east coast and doesn't visit much (wonder why?). So, we have tried to help my mom over the last 12 years. She does not have a mortgage but very little in savings. She went to a seminar given by a local elder attorney last night, then proceeded to tell me how scared she is because basically she would just have to sell her own home so that she could go to a "dirty old nursing home", unless "her kids would take care of her like she did her parents". (My grandparents lived a mile from my mom's house and my mom did not work - Dad did.)
What should a child do when she knows that moving her parent into her home would be the worst mistake ever? And, what options does my mother have? How can I convince her to sell her home and look for an assisted living facility? I see it all going downhill from here. She is not eating much lately and is losing some weight (she is a little heavy) and says it's from worry. I don't know what solutions to offer her but I think we are just frustrated that she did not sell the home twenty years ago and get a more manageable place to live.
We offered to help her move but she said it's just too overwhelming for her. So, she stays in her home and worries about every little thing. Visiting Angels? Forget it - she won't let Comcast in her house let alone a caregiver!
Bottom line: she CANNOT live with my husband and I. She is very difficult to get along with and thinks she never does anything wrong. She would be miserable and so would we. I do love my mom and appreciate how she raised me, but I am tired of feeling responsible for her mental health and tired of the guilt trips. She really is quite intelligent but manipulative.
So, without knowing me some of you may think I'm horrible but, believe me, I know there are others going through this! I don't want anything to happen to my mom but she is responsible for her own happiness, but I believe she thinks I am.
I'm in my mid 60s, an only child, been on my own and made my own way always. When my late mother went into a NH 3 years ago I bought a tiny dilapidated cottage in the middle of nowhere and darn near froze to death the first two winters but it was all I could afford and over time I've fixed it up. I bought it with a view to my getting older plus I have some physical issues.
Everything in the house is main floor. There are two steps down to the mudroom and out to a deck plus 2 steps out to the north driveway. I replaced the huge jetted (didn't work) with a shower, splurged on new siding, windows, a wood stove and a generator.
Close to two acres, which takes about 3 hours to mow on the tractor. Raised veggie beds put in as I don't bend well and a coop & run for meat chickens being constructed shortly ... going back to a simpler lifestyle. After going through some welfare bums/junkies & local deadbeats I've been lucky enough to find a super decent handyman locally who will be here in ten minutes if there's an emergency, for which I'm so grateful.
I worked as a legal secretary/law clerk my whole career and for the past year or so I've got things organized such that when my mother passed things would go as smoothly as possible. She passed September 12 and there has been much to do but I'm getting there.
An A1 narcissist, selfish and so mean, she leaves me with so many unanswered questions ... she had everything she ever wanted so why was she so evil? I will never know. I can only assume she was mentally ill her whole life. She passed 3 weeks ago and the funeral home is holding her ashes.
Since she passed I've not grieved as we were never close (far from it), just felt in a no mans land, can't seem to get my act together and, apart from tending to my critters, get little done around the place. Towards the end of this week I must go scatter her ashes where she wished. Perhaps, in some way, that will give me closure.
We share the caregiving between myself, my 24 year old daughter, and my brother and his older kids. I am single with a full time job with benefits, retirement plan, etc that I would never give up. My daughter recently got laid off so she helps during the day with their many doctors appointments. My brother works full time but comes on Saturdays to repair things, grocery shop, etc. I was doing it all alone for about 8 months but it was too overwhelming. I was getting sick, stressed out and depressed. We have been told by 4 professional that they need to go into IL or an ALF.They are in and out of the hospital and rehabilitation facilities every few months. We have talked to them about IL and ALF and there have been a few "crisis" events but they refuse to go. Like your mom, they also refuse to let strangers into their home.
And, you are not horrible, in any way. You obviously care about her enough to reach out for help. My mom and dad are finicky, picky, demanding, set in their ways, frustrated and I just try to keep them happy during this time in their lives. I could never live with them, either.
Is there a way to sell her current property and buy her a small place near your home, but not too close? Maybe in a very convenient location close to shopping, medical care, etc. Also, you should enlist several people that she trusts to help you. You can not do it alone. We (the family caregivers) all support each other emotionally during this time as well.
I hope you start seeing things going uphill soon, or at least in a more balanced way.
Also consider how often you see your folks and talk to them. Sometimes we don't feel that people who don't see us more than 2-3 times a year can be trusted to really have our best interests at heart.
A lot of you here are SAINTS, I mean that.
This is where we have to get inside our parents' heads and see things the way they do. There are always fears present whether they are letting on or not. Pride plays a huge role. Pride is also part of denial. It's not happening.
My mom's doctor told her she couldn't be alone and needed to be near me. Her neighbors and people in town said the same thing. Keep in mind that I am and will always be the Evil Daughter who moved away and established my own life.
Mom revealed a lot of her inner workings to me on the phone, and I also took note of what she was NOT telling me. She was not talking about fresh vegetables & fruit at the store - in the form of complaints - her normal mode of conversing, activities at church or with the senior tripsters. She wasn't talking about visiting or having visitors. She no longer talked about clothes shopping - a full time hobby of hers for years. She stopped talking about sewing - her #1 source of income and interest for her whole working life.
She was talking about not being able to get done with sorting winter clothes out of the summer stuff - in July. What she couldn't do was even start.
I started logging this stuff - because I'm a nerd.
I could go back and count how many times she told me about the men with red eyes, squirrels on the fireplace, whatever it was she was talking about.
There came a day where I was bold and got lucky. I mentioned to her that "Mom, you've told me that same thing verbatim 12 times this month. We need to deal with it now." You've told me how scared you are at night 23 times.
Did you know you have had your refrigerator replaced 3 times in two years? You've told me about some falls 8 times this month.
Key questions to help them attach their own feelings to what's happening - assuming your loved one can still have this thought process.
==How does this make you feel?
==What do you think about how things are?
==Do you feel sometimes like this is all too hard to do? (yes, this is leading!)
Mom had no idea. I started planting seeds that there is another way. It took a long time to make this progression from "you'll have to carry me out in a pine box" to talking about moving to make life easier and safer. Persistence without being obnoxious about it. Sometimes you have to play it by ear and get lucky.
I tried to make sure mom knew there wouldn't be anything put in front of her that she couldn't handle because we were there with her. I don't know if it helped or not. She has always been defiantly stubborn and independent to an extreme fault.
I think "never speaking to her again" is a little harsh. Let her keep the d*mn house. You will continue to be her daughter, but you will no longer provide any assistance with said house. You do NOT have to take care of it by default.
Learn boundaries and stay strong. There is no reason YOU have to maintain it - mom can hire someone. Do NOT do what you DO NOT WANT TO DO.
Your dramatic declaration never to speak to her again sounds like a spoiled child pitching a fit.
Have you earned the right to pitch one? No doubt BUT it clearly flushes out that you are way over extended and need out of the care taker role.
If mom wants to change her POA, that's her choice. She can always change it back again or have both of you or neither of you.
You may be exactly right about brother not being the perfect answer but you are toast. He's a lifeline you and mom need right now. He sounds perfectly reasonable to suggest you take one step at a time. We know he's got a few things going for him. He's fresh. He is willing and he lives a good distance away.
Go to a therapist. Get massages. Take walks. Meditate. Even take time away from speaking with mom. Give yourself a chance to miss her. You will.
And get a camera or a security system or a property manager for her house. Forward moms mail to brother. Help him get it arranged if you are able. If not, say so. I think you have their attention.
And you know what? You can always change your mind. It doesn't have to be forever, like death. There is a middle ground if you will accept it.
No, that's the way to make sure she won't see you again.
Just resign your POA and put your resignation in writing to APS. Give them your brother's contact details, perhaps.
This lack of trust is NOT your fault; it's a personality characteristic that develops very early in life. Nothing to do with YOU.
My husband used to try to get his mom to stop smoking. She had COPD and had been told many times that smoking was making it worse. When he talked to her about it, she told him he was abusing her and she was going to call APS on him. (This was after many, many years of dysfunction between them)
He walked away. He let a sibling who was totally under her thumb call the shots (the way she wanted) and she ended up refusing rehab after open heart surgery and willingly starved herself to death in a nursing home.
There is NOTHING that you can do about folks like this. The die is cast early and the thing to remember is that it has NOTHING to do with you or how much you love her. It has to do with how much she loves herself, or doesn't.
that turned out to be a problem, and it didn't cover what she was told and almost got her foreclosed on. There are good elder law and estate experts out there, and a good accountant and lawyer can see things that we can't. But be very suspicious of the ones who promise the moon.