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Carla, the words are "Mom, I can't do this anymore". They are hard to say, admittedly.
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Wiseone, I've come to the same conclusion about the blathering. My mother always said she didn't want to be a burden to her kids (or to me, specifically) and she actually continues to say that, at 84, while living in her own home and expecting unpaid help from me to accomplish all the tasks she can no longer do herself, such as shopping, laundry, errands, household maintenance, vehicle maintenance, computer and phone troubleshooting, etc., as well as the multiple trips to doctors, medical procedures, lab tests, and hands-on care when she's actually sick or recovering from a hospitalization or procedure. She also could live a long time and it is damn worrisome! She has already worn me out.

I think when people don't want to be a burden they should do one of two things, preferably both. They should work long and save money, so that they can afford hired help for the routine tasks that they can't manage themselves. And/or they should accept that they can't manage a house, car, yard, and all the trimmings, and move to the most maintenance-free environment they can afford. Senior apartment, group home, assisted living, etc.

My mother retired at 58 to enjoy herself. I am spending my retirement doing her grunt work for free. She used all her spare cash, when she had it, for vacations, trips, travel. I haven't been out of the state in five years. She takes no responsibility for the fact that things have ended up this way. "I can't help getting old." is her teary attitude. Along with "Can you imagine how it feels to not be able to do these things for myself anymore?"

Blather indeed!
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What Linda22 said is so true. My husband and I helped look after my grandmother who we moved near us. She was NEVER any trouble. She died at 91 singing I'll Fly Away. My dad's grandmother was a lot of trouble, but she died fairly early, like around 68. She was moved to our house after hospitalization, but she would not wait for help and broke her back further then had to go back to the hospital then to rehab and finally to assisted living where she passed away. I see my mom and mom and father-in-law living to be around 95. That will be ten years from now. There will be no way we can take care of them by that time if they require a lot of care. VERY WORRISOME.
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What the most difficult thing I think is that WE are now YOUNG Seniors taking care of SENIOR Seniors. With parents living so long now and many of us strapped for cash and still working, it is often the most difficult day to day challenge we face, I think.
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My mother says she does not want to be a burden, but it means nothing. It is just blathering on at the mouth. Until I put my foot down, I had the same problems you all did. I was always be ORDERED to do this and that. Due to the recession, my husband's pay was cut in half. We both worked a LOT. Still had no money sometimes not even gas money. But she ordered me to take time off (hourly pay) and to come sit with her husband so that she could go home and relax there while my Dad was in the hospital. I told her we didn't have the money and even suggested she pay me and I could come. Continued to not pay me and badger me every day to spend my whole day at the hospital/rehab, etc. so she could get home and veg out. She thought I should just call out at work every day though I was not paid if I was not there. She lives in a million dollar home with a paid off Mercedes. They seem to expect us to take care of them like they took care of us but they had PLENTY of money. We were children! They often seem to be TOTALLY SELF ABSORBED.
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I couldn't believe it, what a difference a day makes compared to my post from the other day..... last night while my Dad [94] and I were visiting my Mom [97] in the hospital, Dad asked me who is paying for the caregivers that come to take care of him at his home [they do shift work].... I told him I was paying but would want him to reimburse me... then he found out the cost. He seemed surprised but it wasn't a fall off a chair moment. He wants to reimburse me and he was going to check with his CPA to see if he could take the cost off of income taxes, etc.

Then Dad asked about the cost of living in Assisted Living, told him it most likely be half the cost compared to having the caregivers in his home. And that I will preview some places and then let him look at them, too.

Also told him of an option of having someone move in who would be there day after day and the cost would also be less... but in the back of my mind I worry about caregiver burn out even for someone who is getting paid.

Since Dad is able to pay for his own care, I will let him make the choice. Multipass, don't know if that would work for your Mom, give her only a couple of choices otherwise she is on her own. I know, easier said then done.
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It seems like parents who have the view that they 'don't want to put their children through hard times unnecessarily' are ones who make plans, accept moving gracefully when it has to happen, and are generally nice people who do not want to exploit their own children's lives and do not expect that to happen or want it to happen. Its seems like the ones who demand service on end and refuse to make a move or any other change, are generally not very nice people. They are often not moved by how things affect their children, and believe it is due to them. It also seems that they don't change from these positions as they get older, so self-oriented people don't become nice considerate people through talking or counseling. This fact that the elderly don't change their way of treating their children is in the 'accept the things I cannot change and the wisdom to know the difference' category. So you have to practice choosing how to interact with them, and do the best you can on finding boundaries and goals for yourself while in the relationship, and steer away from letting the elderly person define all those boundaries and goals. Some old folks would be quite content to consume their children in order to meet their own needs as they define them.
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Multipass if your mother is still enjoying a nice juicy grievance from 26 years ago, and who can blame her after 30-odd years of marriage, then perhaps constructive planning is not her forte? In your shoes I'd do all the research, choose three options to have up my sleeve (one she'd hate, one that's crazy and way out there, and one safe one which is the one you hope she'll choose), and await events.

Meanwhile, with the hints, it's up to you - you can challenge them, for the avoidance of doubt; or you can bat them away with a little laugh. I personally would want to challenge them, as nicely as possible, in the hope that your mother might be persuaded to give her future a bit more practical thought.

For your own comfort: you are not responsible for the decisions of another competent adult. Hold tight to that thought.
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DO NOT GIVE UP YOUR JOB!! AND, DO NOT LET HER MOVE IN WITH YOU!
Repeat daily, and sometimes much more than daily. All else can follow after that. This is very common that the parent who needs caregiving loses the ability to have perspective at the same time. Get that durable POA (for the 'in case something happens' ) and wait.
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We were in a similar situation back in 2013, at 79 our Mom clearly was not making good choices living in her home and we could only be there so much. I do empathize with them that losing their independence is a terrible thing and while I respect maintaining it for as long as possible sometimes you have to say enough is enough. After four hospitalizations in a one year period we finally were able to enlist the doctors help and we told her that the doctors said she can no longer live alone and if she didn't agree with having us select a place the state would get involved. This scared our Mom a little and she let us move her on the condition (her condition which we obliged) that it would be a trial only. It was a total lie on our behalf saying the state would get involved but it worked and we had her doctor's blessing to say whatever we had to and he would back us. Our Mom had a fabulous last year at an outstanding assisted living facility and to be honest, the move should have happened a few years earlier. What peace of mind we would have had as her last year living in her home was total torment for us kids who worried non stop and kept running there just to check on her. Don't get me wrong, I still would go the assisted living facility all the time to check on her but it was a different kind of check. It was quality time with my best friend as opposed to running over frantically at all hours of the night to make sure the stove wasn't left on or she didn't fall. Having those extra eyes on my mom at the assisted living was an absolute blessing and I thank God every day for that last year with her. I'm positive we wouldn't have had that extra year had she remained in her home living alone. Keep the pressure on and lie if you have to. Sometimes when our parents dont think rationally they need us to be the voice of reason.
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This reminds me of my cousin [single child] and how he was helping out not only his mother [in her 90's] but also his mother-in-law [also in their 90's] and neither lady would budge from their own single family homes, nor allow outside help to come in.

So what did my cousin do, he decide it was time for him and his wife to sell their own single family home and move into a 55+ retirement complex... there just was no way being in his 70's that he could continue mowing THREE large yards and maintaining three large houses. The Moms just wouldn't listen.

How fair was that? His Mom and Mom-in-law got to enjoy their own homes for decades and decades, yet he had to sell his own dream house that he and his wife had worked and saved for for 40 years.
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When your mom mentions how she cared for her parents, think about what that actually entailed. In my family, it meant some transportation to appointments and the grocery store, nightly phone calls to check on them. The elders in my family were ambulatory, able to do things with friends and passed away suddenly before age 82. My grandparents all passed by the time my folks were 60. So when my mom tells me how our family always cared for the parents themselves, at home, I remind myself we're not talking about senior aged children caring for wheelchair bound parents who need 24/7 care.
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Mincemeat, thank you for your suggestion - we have mentioned several times to her about getting a HELOC or reverse mortgage and she said she would never do that. We'll have to keep trying on this...
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CarlaCB - This is all very helpful since this morning I just felt cornered. My mom certainly is a pro at hinting, that's for sure. She likes to mention on many occasion that so-and-so's children are all still living in town and they "flock" after their parents, and "how nice" it is that the children are still near and of course "that's the way it should be." And also, "I don't want to interfere in your life" is also popular. My brother told her she could come live with them, knowing that will never happen because she would never move to the east coast! I'd give them a month and they'd be severely annoyed with her attitude and constant rehashing of her divorce from 26 years ago. I don't think she wants to live with us because she knows my husband and I would set boundaries. But, she's frightened about living anywhere else, hence the clinging to her current environs. She thinks that I owe her the same care she gave me growing up.

My husband has predicted that when it happens, it will be a fall or a stroke. We will have to empty that house of 50 years of stuff and put it on the market. Granted, she is not living like a hoarder or in filth, but we've been encouraging her for years to get rid of things. She finally packed some boxes and when she found out we couldn't come down on Labor Day weekend, she said we really put her in a bind because she was out of room to set boxes on the table and we told her we would come and take them - we never committed to Labor Day weekend, though. I said, "Mom, I'm sure after all the years you've waited to do this, a couple of weeks aren't going to make a difference." She did not have a reply to that. Foot DOWN!

If nothing else, it's extremely comforting to know there are others grappling with this.
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Multi, to start taking baby steps in this situation.....have you considered helping her get a signature loan or home equity line of credit for just enough to get the neccessary legal work done? Does she have an attorney? Do this now, so that when things go downhill, you can have a will, a medical and financial POA, a health care directive, etc. Eventually you will have to sell that house for her care. It will make your lives much easier in the future if that is done now, rather than in a panic mode later. Hugs!
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Multi - your story really strikes a chord with me. I also have a high-maintenance mother who expects her kids to take care of her. She is also particular - when my two sisters and I moved her to the 55+ community where they both live, she insisted on buying her own house, even though she had no money for a down payment and is nowhere near capable of maintaining a house.

Same with the "magical thinking" as I see it. Your mom sees her kids taking care of her as the solution, without apparently considering that her son lives far away and rarely sees her, and her daughter lives 2 hours away and works full time. How does she expect that this can happen? I doubt that she would be happy living with you and your husband even if you were willing to allow that.

Sadly, I think Blannie is correct that the status quo will continue until an emergency occurs and you'll be scrambling to find a placement for her. That seems to be my situation anyway. But if you're serious about wanting her to move to a more manageable space, I'd suggest that you not make it too easy for her to keep things the way they are. Don't accommodate her desire to stay in her home by letting her make inroads into your work time or your time at home with your husband. Don't give up your weekends to run her errands and take care of her home and yard. Make her live the consequences of her choices.

Close to 5 years ago, my sisters assured my tearful mother that she would not need to go to assisted living, while I sat there with my mouth open in shock. Since then, my life has not been my own. I'm not the one who made this commitment but most of the burden of it has fallen on me from the very start. Once you start giving the "little help" that your mother needs to stay at home, you'll end up being asked for more and more help as her needs increase. It seems perfectly natural to our parents that we should give up more and more of our lives as they need more and more help. Don't let yourself get drawn into that if there's any other option.
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I stopped enabling and started practicing tough love with my inlaws when the falling started happening multiple times a week. My inlaws were living in a dark, depressing, cluttered home. We called a meeting for us "kids" to get on the same page. After much research we settled on a clean, bright, cheerful, and safe independent living facility and took my inlaws to see it. They liked it but came up with every excuse in the book not to move. We pressed the issue every weekend for months while the falls got more frequent and landed MIL in the ER with her head split open. One day my inlaws announced they would move in a year or so. I'm sure they thought that would shut us up and give them a year to find some more excuses to do nothing. Us "kids" told them we could not support that plan, that our schedules permitted us to help them move over the summer, and we would not enable them to just stay put and do nothing. Us "kids" told them their choices had started negatively impacting our jobs, our physical and mental health, our marriages, etc. Us "kids" agreed upon healthy boundaries and communicated them to my inlaws. They were angry. Tough because so were we. When faced with the choice between alienating their family and moving into IL, they chose to move and we spent every single weekend that summer sorting, packing, donating, etc. Since then things have gotten better in some respects - they have made friends in the building and participate in lots of activities - and other things have gotten worse - their health issues. But in IL they don't have to worry about meals, transportation, housekeeping, laundry, and the open living space and handicapped accessible bathroom has reduced the number of falls. They also have become much more pleasant people to be around. In their old place they were depressed and anyone who went over would come out depressed because it was slit-my-wrists depressing. I know it's my personality as a problem solver to see things coming down the road. I know I'm good at looking at things objectively and being very logical and not letting emotions cloud my vision. Others are more emotional. If you can't be objective with your mom then find someone who can be. I wish you lots of luck!
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First, are her friends all much younger, I can't imagine they are all in their 80's and have the ability to help her as well as maintain their own large homes. Are there any who have made a successfully downsized that you can use as an example?

Have you considered independent living? A nice senior's apartment complex can have many amenities without the cost of assistive living. It might make a good stepping stone towards what you want but allow her to maintain her feeling of independence for now.
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Multipass, how I wished my parents would have moved from their large home into something safer. The house and the yard are just too much for them but they were in denial. A team of wild horses couldn't get them out of that house.

I told my parents early on that when the time comes that they need help around the house that they would need to hire people to do the work. Yet I found myself running them all over creation because Dad stopped driving. Hard to schedule when one is working. I should have set boundaries back then.

I tried professional caregivers for my parents but Mom told them to leave after 3 days. So what happened was Mom [97] was exhausting herself with her "job" of being the wife do all the cooking, laundry, cleaning, and being with Dad.

As with sandwich42plus Mom in her post above, my Mom fell and had a long hospital stay, then into rehab, and now back to the hospital. Same psychotic episodes and now unable to walk. If only my parents would have listened to me, but I am their "kid" so what do I know. Once in awhile my sig other will step in and make suggestions, lo and behold they will listen to him :P

Elder believe that nursing homes are still asylums, not realizing that the newer ones are like living in a 5-star hotel.
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You may wind up like many others on here and just have to accept the status quo with your mom until there's an emergency situation that forces the issue. Usually that's a fall or a serious illness like a stroke that hospitalizes the parent and then they're not able to go back home alone and placement into some sort of assisted environment is required.

Then you'll be scrambling to sell her place to pay for her placement. That's how it winds up with a lot of folks on these boards. With your mom's personality, that may be the best you can hope for, since she's not willing to consider anything else at this point. Just stay strong on her not moving in with you!! Hugs...this isn't easy!
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sandwich42plus - I don't think Mom is to that point yet but she could be soon. Things are starting to happen in multiples. First she's stressed about an insurance claim to get her roof replaced - it is all turning out well but, oh the drama that occurred! Second she had a crown on a front tooth drop out and is scared of the cost of replacing it. (I've never had a crown but that sounds like it sucks big time.) Third she is bummed after going to the elder attorney seminar because it would cost several thousand dollars - of which she does not have - to get her affairs in order. We don't have money either so can't help her out there. Her appetite is diminished and she's fully aware of that. But she insists that if she just "has some help" she can do all of this!

Her friends told her that I needed to come down to help her with the legal stuff. (Bad daughter!) She comprehended it quite well, actually, and just doesn't have the money to spend on it. Her friends must wonder why we aren't down there all the time. According to her they are always helping her. They don't get to see the side that we do - they see her "public persona".

Glad your mom would listen to your husband. My mom said she is scared of mine. It's because he is very straightforward with her and tells her the truth. Sometimes, when she is going on and on about something he'll just tell her how it is. He isn't disrespectful, just very direct. And she can't handle that - she wants to be coddled. But my husband won't give up - he will keep trying to help her. Just one of the reasons why I love him!
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My mom was in another state, alone since dad died in 1986, and I'm an only child. I feel your anxiety and frustration very much!!

I ended up having to just take control of things. I started by having her mail forwarded to me via the US Post Office website.

Mom's dementia was a lot farther along than anybody realized. She got a **lot** of help from my dad's brother & his wife next door. She had run off everybody else. She was alone, bored, confused, and in complete denial about the state of everything. She was also hallucinating & sundowning, frequently scared of men with red eyes outside her window 15 feet off the ground.

She will listen to my husband because he is a man, so I had him talk to her - with talking points I wrote for him. Something along the line of:

==it's time you had it easy
==wouldn't you like to have more fun
==we know you are often scared and we can change that.
==it's time you let us take care of you (Mom ate this up! A dream come true!)

Us "taking care of her" involved acquiring a senior apartment in a continuum care facility (using her money not ours). We moved her up with us, and installed her in that apartment. Her choice was apartment A or B. Not if it was going to happen. Not "do you want to do this or that". What she wanted - to stay put - would have been far too dangerous.

6 months after that, she was wait-listed for the assisted living unit. She fell, and had a 5 day hospital stay. She went into the nursing care wing after that. Fast forward 6 months, she had a psychotic episode and was hospitalized again for 5 days. When she came out of that, she went into the secure dementia unit, and that is where she is now, but in hospice care there.

There comes a time where mom & dad aren't safe (mentally or physically) on their own and somebody has to take charge and intervene. What you do & how you go about it will be unique to your situation, but this site will be a never ending source of information and support for you, no matter what you choose.
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Very helpful comments so far. Babalou, she would never see any doctor that has to do with the psyche. After all, that would make her look bad and "what would others think?" I agree that her mental health seems fragile. She always makes sure to tell me how her friends compliment her on being able to "handle" her property.

geewiz, we have tried this - sort of. We looked at places in our town and the ones that would be good enough for her were over $5K per month! The others, well, she would never live there because the neighborhood isn't nice enough. She's rather high-maintenance.

Kimber166 - so you also have a mother who tried to make you choose which parent to be loyal too, huh? I have to sit on her most of the time because she compulsively loops every subject back to my dad. She seethes with anger about him after all these years. I just don't tell her when I see him. When my step-sister died in 2010, my husband and I went to the funeral, naturally. I really did not know her well, but out of respect for my dad and stepmother...my mom found out and confronted me, telling me I should have not gone. I told her it was none of her business.

I am going to figure this out.
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You are not a horrible person, rather you are quite sane. Would your mom see ageriatric psychiatrist? Her mental health seems quite fragile.
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At 85 a large home and 1.5 acres is more than she needs or can care for. Can you do some research on your own and then have a nice long visit with her and present some options for her to consider. She may be a candidate for a continuing care community and it sounds like her resources would be sufficient for that. Since it is a relatively new concept, she likely isn't familiar with it. Since they are mostly newer, they aren't at all 'dirty old nursing homes'. You can select places near where she lives or anywhere between where she is and where you live -- trust me, you will want to reduce that 2 hour trip as she ages.

Present her with options and repeat (CLEARLY) that you will make the move happen and she won't have to worry about that aspect. Then offer to take her to visit the places. If you have done your research properly, only give her a choice of 3 places.

Make sure she is told you love her but cannot take care of two homes and you want her to have fun with all of the activities and events in a senior community. I agree, don't take her into your home, especially not at this point. You would never be able to entertain her day and night and the senior communities can do exactly that. Good luck.
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You are not horrible. You are also not responsible for your mom - she is. She sounds competent enough to make decisions - and she is making them. You don't agree with the decisions but they are hers to make. You do not need to take her in your home. Make that clear to her. As far as helping - I'm sure you are willing to do some things - just not the entire list she would give you. Decide what you will do, will not do, and communicate that to her. Remember - you can be loving and be there for her and guide her to assisted living, or services that you cannot or are not willing to provide but you can't make her do them. Likewise, she cannot make you do anything you are not willing to do. It is hard establishing boundaries and it sounds like you need to - she will steamroll over you if you let her. My parents divorced in 1991 and my mom constantly re hases it and blows a gasket whenever I see my dad. I refuse to engage in the conversation - if by phone "I love you mom, but we are not talking about this. Good bye" or if in person, same thing and I leave. Over time she has learned to hold her tongue around me if she wants to see me. You don't have to put up with it, you can lovingly make clear you won't. When you are calm, sit down and do some thinking. what does your mom want? what are you willing/ not willing to do? What services are there for her? Good luck and let us know how you are doing.
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