I moved here in June after 26 years of living alone, and came to a borderline hoarders apartment, long story short she is all over me 24/7, does shopping, meals, laundry, and thinks I'm still a child. She has tremors and just unloads on me when she does not get her way or when things are not done as she wants (exactly) made clear for me it's this or a shelter even though she's loaded. I speak up, and her blood pressure goes through roof, like mine is all day/night waiting for next thing I do wrong like open windows to cool off 200 degree apartment with pre war non-stop steam, no privacy, space. Woke up with allergies, got dressed to go get breakfast (she's all over me in house about take out food (contamination) can't drink diet coke anymore (she forces ginger ale on me despite sugar, and good luck taking more than a 1/4 cup even seltzer. She thinks I have pnuemonia, got pandemic, despite sneezing all the time in morning. With no eat in at restaurants eat on sidewalks like a bum for 30 minutes of peace, she stays in during storms, or for weeks at a time so gets antsy, is good to me but I'm living life of a 12 year old, she wants me to get apartment, will never go to nursing home or assisted living, put locks on all cabinets, wants to donate her stuff for tax write off to clear clutter and does and her plan is for me to inherit doing this. Meanwhile I have anxiety, panic attacks, high blood pressure without this and feel I moved into jail. She's nice, waits on me hand/foot but acts like I'm back in high school, always reminds of everything I do wrong from day one of arriving where I told her we'll drive each other crazy, and she'll go back to childhood if she can't find current things. I'm not perfect but every day I'm miserable and pray to be out of this nightmare. I have no privacy and when I speak she's calls me fresh mouth and rambles on about her past life, and anything bad that happened, any call with anyone she'll speak for two hours, she'll runs water 24/7 and demand I drink cold water, and has to steralize cap, she'll yell at tv and start interrogating me and I live steralizing hands, outdoors and literally needs to be cleared for departure in the morning, she hates shoe laves so bought strapless, now those are considered slippers, so bought boots. Every day is a nightmare I wake up with knots in my stomach and demands she will be respects and any talk about and her blood pressure is up, sees spots. I love her but we're killing each other but beating her landlord means a lot to her by me getting this apt, I almost want one of us dead and wish it was me. I'm 58 years old, she told me can't go out at night like child, my life controlled 24/7.
Put a lock on your door, tell her to keep out.
An adult male does not allow his elderly mother to wait on him hand and foot.
Leave the house from 9:00 a.m. to dark.
BTW, the above are only suggestions, not telling you what to do.
It's 20 degrees out and she does weather updates like it's life and death, I can't go out 12 hours a day in a pandemic with nothing opened. I went to the doctor in september, had to go fill his paper RX, stayed for it to be filled, got flu shot, then got a haircut, was gone a good three plus hours, I came back she was out of her head, where were you, called doctor. In summer she thought I was running away almost daily in shorts and a fanny pack.
You need to move, its not working. There are HUD vouchers. HUD subsidized apts. They only charge 30% of your income for rent. Depending on ur disability maybe you can get a p/t job. SS disability allows u to make so much a year. Was 14k but I think that has gone up. Social Services maybe able to help. Office of Aging too. You have been on your own too long. Hard to live with someone who won't give you privacy.
There is usually a waiting list for them. His was age 50 and up.
It was a percentage of rent.
They even had church service at the apartment for them. Bingo too.
Free care boxes of non perishable food. It was a one bedroom and plenty big enough for him.
They had shuttle buses to the pharmacy and grocery too.
If you can get out, for God's sake and your own - Get Out!
There are plenty of places to help you move out and also help you with food and other necessities.
Your Mom will never change and you need to ACCEPT that or live in chaos. You can NOT change anyone but yourself. You will always be a child to your Mom no matter how old you are. My older brother lived with my Mom until his late 60's after he got divorced. He ignored my Mom (even though she was really nice to him and did a lot for him). She didn't even ask for rent.
If I were in your shoes I would have never moved in with a woman like that in the first place, I would have gone to a shelter. I would rather be in control of my own life then live with someone that would drive me crazy.
I wish you the best,
Jenna
In a way, you are so entwined with this mentally ill mother you don't seem to be able to think independently. I'm really, really sorry for that.
You are hanging on b/c in what, 20 years or so you MIGHT inherit a rent controlled, hoarded out apartment in NYC?
This makes no sense to me, at all.
And BTW, taking a walk for 30-45 minutes doesn't mean you are like a homeless person. It means you are taking a walk.
Sounds like you just want to vent, and that's OK, we all do sometimes. It's when great advice is given and you shoot it down---people will stop responding and trying to help you.
You have siblings? Go to THEM for help. You will not live long in a toxic and filthy environment.
If you choose to simply complain, have at it. We do care, we think about things before we post them. You've been given a TON of support and advice, but you shot everything down.
Your MOM isn't the problem--you have bought into all her crazy. You need to get some help to stand up and be a man.
Sorry if I sound mean--I do feel for you.
Being alone with just a few belongings would be ever so preferable to what you are experiencing now. I do wish you calm and a peaceful mind to think this through.
Ask your sibling to help you apply for subsidized housing, supportive housing, senior housing.