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Looking for suggestions/ input to make transition easier. Mom is in late mid to advanced dementia, has been in memory care for a year. Place has new owners and has gone downhill terribly. All good staff have left. Brought concerns to management several times with little to no improvement( we are self pay and always pay on time) . Have found a wonderful small facility nearby and arranged to move her there, just not sure how traumatic this will be or any ways to make it easier. Staff at new facility is wonderful and assure me they can handle it. Just looking for advice if anyone has done this with their LO.

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Update:2 days in and she has completely forgotten the old MC. Seems completely content. I am much happier with new facility and care already. She is eating better than in a year( food is way better here) and seems calmer and happier than in a long time. Thank you all for the support!
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Msblcb Nov 2023
What wonderful news!!!!!
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Thank you all for the support. In my head I know it’s the disease and not her, but my heart aches. My husband is very supportive but he gets tired of listening to me vent so you are a Godsend! The up side is, after 5 days I am definitely sure this was the right move. She is cleaner and well cared for like she hadn’t been in a
long time in her old place. The room is immaculate without the constant urine stench and bed is made with clean fresh sheets. She is moved to comfy recliner several times during the day and not left in a wheelchair for 18 hours. Today, she was sitting on the screen porch enjoying the beautiful day with several residents and staff. I know I did the right thing even if she doesn’t understand.
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Msblcb Nov 2023
What a great update! I am so happy for you and your mom!
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Dt,

Even though your mom has dementia, you can give yourself permission to not take the abuse.

You can make the visit short, and tell your mom that you won’t be talked to like that and will see her another day.

You must take care of your own sanity.

You matter, too!
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I think she will adjust. I moved my mom from home to an ALF. She forgot my home in a couple of days. However, the ALF was under new management and not great. I did not move her for fear of the transition and thought it would take time to adjust. She ultimately declined and passed. I do not think her decline was necessarily related to her care but do regret not moving her. It would have made her last months much less stressful for both of us.

If you have found another place you feel confident about, move her!
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Well, move happened yesterday. She was horrible! New staff were so wonderful and fussed all over her but she kept demanding to go back to Staten Island( her childhood city) where she just was. We are going with the story that the doctor said she was well enough to leave old MC to take pressure off me, but she called me every name in the book and her last words tome were “ I hope you die tonight and go straight to hell”. Staff said give it a few weeks but I cried all night. I know moving her was the best move. Packing up her stuff, half her clothes and belongings were stolen or just can’t be located. She is also on hospice and her nurse and social worker assured me this is the best move to make ( they are unhappy with what has happened in old facility) they will follow her at new place but I just feel horrible. I am trying to keep her safe and well cared for and just feel like I am a terrible person. Thanks for letting me vent!
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Msblcb Oct 2023
Remember that the mom you have now is not the mom you know. She is responding through the cloud of dementia. It often makes the responses out of character. My mom screamed at me the first week but soon forgot where she was prior to the move. She will adjust.

You made the right decision. This new facility sounds wonderful. Trust your judgement.
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Transition continues! Today I spent 2 hours being called names and cursed at because I had “ moved her car so she didn’t know where it was parked and she needed to go back where she was” she is wheelchair bound and hasn’t walked in a year and hasn’t driven or had a car in 5 years! 🤦‍♀️. No amount of distraction was helpful. Just kept telling me what an ugly pig I was, even thoughI brought her her favorite treat and tried to be sweet despite the barrage. I may need placement before this is all over
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ArtistDaughter Nov 2023
Wow. Just wow. Your mom is not being even partially grateful for all you do for her. I realize her brain is not working, but still, I think I would have just burst into tears if any of that had been said to me. Please take care of yourself. Tell yourself how wonderful you are if no one else will.

My mom would ask what I had done to her to leave her there, but then the next day would say she had been thinking to do the same thing for herself. Back and forth, back and forth, but she never called me names or wished me to die. So sorry you have to hear that. But then maybe you don't have to. Don't visit for a while.
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Trust the new staff! They are professionals. With mom, don’t make a big deal out of it. She has memory deficits, so she may not notice as much as you think she will.
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I have, moved my step mother from one to another. Did not tell her, took her to lunch and my brother moved her in the meantime.

She didn't quite understand what had happened but after the 1st day she was fine, forgot that she had moved.

I wouldn't make a big deal out of it. Good Luck!
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I would make it a multi person job if possible. Go join her for lunch or dinner, take her out for a meal if that is something you often do whatever isn’t unusual for her. Then while you are doing that with her have two other family members move her belongings to the new place, set up her room to be as identical as possible and take her “home” to the new place. I think fewer changes/differences the better but especially to her private space.
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Msblcb- she was there for a year. It only got really bad the lady 3-4 months
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Msblcb Nov 2023
I am so happy that the transition is over and things are improving. Stay blessed!
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