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Mum had told me on three separate occassions that a man had been on her room late at night stocking her in her gentiles. I had told the manager of the facility who answered is she saying it so she can leave. I told the Dr of the facility another time who said was she sexually abused as a child. It was a 3 story high building. I asked if there were security cameras I was told no. I was in shock and thought Mum might have been confused and half asleep ,she was on sleeping pills and lorazapam once a day for anxiety. She said it didn't hurt so I didn't ask for her to have an internal examination. I made arrangements to transfer her to another facility. But we went into covid lock down for 7 days. I phoned her as usual and she told me she had stood at the door pushing it closed each time it opened about 5 times. She told me she said to herself you won't get me tonight. After I moved her to the other facility her care was worse and she went to hospital, passed away from a twisted bowel. I did write about it here before. I read all my diaries I wrote in every day about Mum and as Mum spoke to me on the phone I put all the details together like a jigsaw when I read what she said. About a younger man came into her room with his friend to see her room. I remember meeting him, he was only about 70 and seemed very fit and healthy. I did wonder why he living in care. He had been very familiar with me, put his arm around my shoulders on 2 occassions when Mum and I had spoken to him and his friend . Mum had said he used to hold her chair out for her to sit on and the caregivers had always said none of that. Mum told me he had stopped talking to her or looking at her. It was not long after that she told me about a man who she couldn't see in the dark when she was half asleep coming into her room and rubbing up and down in her private area. Mum was never a sexual person and had lived without a man 8n her life for 60 years. She never spoke of sex and was always a lady. I was not allowed to swear growing up I was Mum's only child. When Mum died reading my diaries I decided I would tell the police. Police said they phoned the facility manager and were surprised there were no cameras in new aged care facility. They said that because my Mother has passed away they have nowhere to start the investigation. I asked about the other elderly ladies there who may be at risk. Unfortunately there is nothing they can do. I am sick, thinking I didn't believe my Mum, I was in shock and took direction from the Manager and the Drs reactions. But I know my Mum didnt lie, when I go back through my writing and things Mum said. Mum had never been a problem to the staff but it was about 2 weeks before Mum told me for the first time about the abuse, the nurse emailed me said Mum had been found not wearing underpants in the early hours of the morning had been upset when the staff tried to put pants on her. Another time early morning she had been throwing items on the floor when the staff came in early morning and wouldn't let them near her. Not long after Mum told me about the abuse. I am ashamed I didn't take her home with me then. She held my hand said please don't leave me here I am begging you. We both crying I called nurse and left. I drove home in shock as was first time she told me about the sexual abuse other times was on the phone then went into lock down. It would be easy to say Mum had dementia.. Dr put dementia on Mum's medical form when she moved to the next facility. Mum had never been categorized as dementia before the sexual abuse claim. Mum had depression and anxiety. Her depression was worse she didn't want to be in the care facility. she only gave up her home agreed to go into care because she would be closer to me I had moved a long way from her. I promised she live with me if not happy but I let her down changed my mind couldn't cope with the stress. Is the response re sex abuse from all authorities acceptable? I need your advice and thoughts.

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Patchie - I am sorry you're feeling so guilt-ridden.

In your profile, you wrote that your mother had Alzheimer's/Dementia. But in this post, your said your mother was not categorized as dementia. So, did she or didn't she have dementia?

There can only be two possible explanations for mother's claim of sexual abuse. Either it happened or your mother created it in her dementia mind.

I have no way of knowing which was the truth. The police couldn't determine that either. So, how could you have known? You couldn't.

Feeling guilty and agonizing over "what if" or "could it" only serves to punish yourself.

Your mother is now at rest, released from the physical illnesses of her body.

Please forgive yourself for not doing all you think you should or could do. Your mom would forgive you, I'm sure.

I hope you can find peace. Take care.
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Patchie1 Jun 2021
Thank you so much yes I am full of guilt. The alzheimers dementia was what was given after the sexual abuse claim. I didnt want to talk about the sexual abuse before. Mum had low mica test results but the dementia support group I eang said the moca test is not conclusive as it depends how the person feels on the day or if they are depressed. Mum always told me she judt said anything to get them to stop asking questions that was always her personality for years. I did hope she had dementia so that the sexual abuse wasnt true. It sounds terrible to hope your Mum had dementia. But the more I look into things I think she had severe depression and the toxins building up in her body from the bowel situation. The sexual abuse claims were the result of the alzheimers dementia going in Mums medical record when she left and went to the other facility. The Manager and Dr worked for the facility and it is a business they wouldn't want it getting out about the sexual abuse. This site and all of you is the only thing keeping me going. I read the answers you sent me before and I read others questions and answers that relate to my own story. New Zealand does not give as much support as this site does. In answer to the question about the remark I wrote it was a spelling error zi meant stroking gentiles hope I spelt it right this time. Thank you again
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These things happen a lot more than people realize and yes these nursing homes are fully responsible for covering these things up. I fully believe your mother was sexually assaulted. Now what can you do about it to prevent others from having it happen to them by the rapist that lives in that facility. I woukd continue talking to the cops. Ask to speak to chief of police. The news. Anyone who listen. Keep pushing until someone does an investigation.

This is why nursing homes should be segregated by gender. Locked areas to with wings with only personnel having access to the bedrooms of residents. Seniors with dementia and alzhimers are vulnerable to these incidents and just because people get old does not mean that their evil selves are still not present in these places.
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Patchie1 Jun 2021
I will let you know what follows.
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As nothing can be investigated or proven I think it will have to be acceptable. You have done all the reporting you can; I would be certain to report to an ombudsman in case there are other incidents. Other than that this is something you must move on from as there is no other choice given there is nothing you can prove. I am so sorry; this must be difficult to live through and live with given the uncertainty.
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Patchie1 Jun 2021
Thank you Alvadear.
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I am so very sorry that your mom was suffering and that you didn’t understand what was happening. No one wants to believe these things happen, so people tend to dismiss them.

I hope something can be done so others won’t be harmed. Again, I am truly sorry for the pain that your mother experienced regarding this matter and also for the pain that you feel. Please forgive yourself because you didn’t realize what was going on. So, how could you have intervened?
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Patchie - talking with the police and asking them to investigate is one thing, but if you consider going public (media or social media) with your accusation of sexual abuse and you don't have any proof, you might be sued for libel and defamation of character. Your recollection of what your mother said is not proof even if the abuse did happen. Talk to an attorney first if you consider this.
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Patchie1 Jun 2021
Thank you polarbear
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What is "stocking her in her gentiles"?

British or Australian slang? (I ask because you refer to her as Mum)?

Google is no help, just gives me links about Judaism.
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GJosh it's still not recording correctly should be stroking genetils meaning stroking the private area
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Sorry I should have realized that's what you meant.
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This post sickens me to my core. As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, it breaks my heart, the thought of what your mom went through. Makes you wonder how many other people are experiencing the same thing, and the fact that this facility has no cameras, only makes it easier for them to continue with their abuse.
You must do everything in your power(for your moms sake)to make sure this doesn't continue. Like sp19690 said if you have to go to the news stations, newspaper, or whoever will listen, this facility and others like it need to make some major changes, starting with installing cameras.
I am so sorry that you are now not only dealing with the loss of your mom, but also what happened to her while she was under the facilities care. I pray that God will give you wisdom and discernment going forward.
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Patchie1 Jun 2021
Ssorry for your own trauma. Thank you for replying to my reachng out.
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