Alone for 20 to 30 minutes while she went to pick up food for my mom. Granted, my mom told her to go, however, my mom is bedbound in a diaper and cannot stop anyone from doing anything. The caretaker said what was I supposed to do? And I said, I signed her up for DoorDash left credit cards for everyone in the restaurant that you just ordered from and left my mom alone after our agreement that that was the biggest safety concern and the reason why Is m hiring you and paying you so much money, was on the list and could’ve delivered in 30 minutes. She has done other things that I do not trust. My mother finally trusting her and I don’t want to do anything that my mom is uncomfortable with. This caretaker is leaving for a month to go back to the Philippines in December. Should I just wait and replace her that time? Or if I don’t trust her from some of these little and big things do I give her two weeks and find someone new?
On another note - when you say your mother is bed bound you don't mean literally, do you? I hope you have the means to get her out of bed and into a supportive wheelchair so that she is able to enjoy the possibility of a little more quality of life?
The late James K and Ms Lisa Fleming from " My 600 Lb Life" were literally bed bound.
Was your mom SAFE during the time she was by herself?
Could she have fallen out of bed or accessed unsafe items by her bed, during Caregivers absence?
Were there any other PHYSICALLY DANGEROUS actions she might have performed?
Had you EXPLICITLY TOLD Caregiver NOT to leave her side FOR ANY REASON in your absence?
If your mother has not been FORMALLY ASSESSED as having specific cognitive deficits, do you trust her opinion in choosing someone to take care of her?
Have you made Caregiver fully aware of both your mother’s deficits AND YOUR EXPECTATIONS?
A “caretaker” can be someone fully trained or not.
Whether you (and/or Mother?) decide she should stay or be replaced, make sure that YOU KNOW what you expect as you go forward with your mother’s care.
I am hoping that you do not mean that you have only 1 person caring for your bed bound mom 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, ad infinitum, with no other support in place. If that IS what you are doing, I suggest strongly you hire several care givers, because no single person can keep that up for any serious length of time. Even if the caregiver *agrees* to such an arrangement exhaustion will set in quickly and it will be much more dangerous than your mom being left alone for 20-30 minutes.
What were the other things you weren't happy with?
Is your mom competent? Can she make decisions herself or is she cognitively unable to make decisions?
In an emergency could she have called for help? does she have an "alert" button she can press, is there a device like Alexa set up that she could say "call 911" or "call debstra84"?
And honestly is your mom safe for a short period of time?
....the flip side....
If you hired a babysitter to watch your 2 year old while you were at work and the baby sitter left your child while they were napping to run to the store would you ask that baby sitter to return or would you be looking for another baby sitter?
Another point...How many hours is this 24/7 caregiver working? Does she get a break for lunch? (she should)
How many days a week is she working? Is she getting overtime pay?
I guess the question I have is what are the other things that she has done that you do not trust?
Have you talked to her about the other things? What was the response? Did she repeat the offence or was the action corrected in each case.
I guess I am sitting on the fence on this but bottom line is if you do not trust her and your gut instinct is telling you that you need to fine another caregiver follow your instinct. And not sure I would give 2 week notice, so much can happen in 2 weeks.
A two-year old can get around. A person with dementia who is still mobile can wander off.
A bedbound person can't. If they're capable of making a phone call or pressing a button on a LifeAlert pendant/bracelet then they can be left alone for short periods of time.
If she still has that mental capacity she can be left alone for short periods of time.
My last caregiver position was as the first-shift for a an elderly bedbound woman who had 24-hour care. When she's be napping which was often that is when I would go to the store because it was also my job to keep the place supplied. All of her products (diapers, wipes, creams, medications, pads, etc...), the groceries, the cleaning products. I also did all the housekeeping. I usually went out a few times a week so I'd never be gone more than a half hour or so.
Then nursing came on the scene (we were all privately hired). She didn't need it, but when there's an old person with money and top insurance, the sharks smell blood in the water and they show up. They carried on about the 20 minutes I was gone getting diapers. We needed diapers. Not in two days when the order they'd place would arrive but that day because she was in her last one. Nursing's answer was to just ler her crap and piss the bed until the diapers got delivered. Or go to the store on my off time. Not one was willing to go to the store for her or the pharmacy on their off time or work time. Not one of the several nurses and social workers was willing to do this, or to even wait there for 20 minutes while I went.
Caregivers who are alone in a situation have to make decisions. Like going to the store in a low-risk situation versus the client being out of diapers or meds or food. I always went to the store the hour before my shift ended. So even if I got killed in a car accident or struck by lightening, the 2nd shift worker is coming so the client is only ever alone for 20 - 30 minutes.
How long has she been with your mom?
Don't knit-pick the caregiver if your mother likes her and she keeps up on the work. If chastizing her about picking up the food is going to make your mother uncomfortable don't do it. You're not the one receiving care. Your mother is, and if that care is good leave it alone.
I was an in-home caregiver for 25 years. I've been with many families who's answer to everything was replace the caregiver over and over again. They were never satisfied. You won't be either. Families often make the mistake in thinking that the one caregiver in the house is supposed to do the jobs of a full staff. That doesn't happen and you may just end up with a revolving door of caregivers which is a real headache.
TRUST your gut.
OP, you have a bad feeling about the caregiver. she's done several bad things. you don't trust her.
it doesn't matter at all what those things are. YOU don't trust her, and you have your reasons.
normally, it's just the tip of the iceberg: it means more bad things are going on, and more bad things will appear in the future.
i now have quite a lot of experience with hiring home aides. where i live, it's very hard to find trustworthy aides. many people are actually thieves, who pretend to be caregivers (also in the agencies). we've had good and bad aides.
the thing is:
finding someone else isn't easy either. and you have no way of knowing if the next person is more trustworthy.
still: i repeat, trust your gut.
Fire her now and get someone else.
You do not owe her a notice and I would trust someone even less after I gave them notice and they had two weeks to stew over the firing.
If a basic tenant of the agreement that you entered into with this caregiver is that she would not ever leave the home; then you should let her go and tell her why.
Your mom may not like you for it; but she will trust someone else after a bit too.
Point of note: Even licensed agencies will fire on the spot. We had a caregiver hired through an agency for my MIL/FIL and when my MIL told us she gave April a check for 'school'; we immediately told the agency and they called her in and fired her on the spot. She was not allowed to accept a 'gift' from a patient and knew that and they didn't hesitate to fire her and replace her with someone else immediately.
Go through a reputable agency and you should have less problems.
Prayers for you and yours
A caregiving situation like what you had for your parents is pretty much non-existent. It sounds ideal and you are probably the only family that ever did this. I never knew one in 25 years of service who ever hired that much help. The idea of a relief caregiver when needs arise is a great idea.
How did you pay her? What were her hours.
If the relief caregiver had to be there whenever she was needed, then that person was pretty much on-call 24/7. How could they work another job if they could be called at any time?
So many think that just changing caregivers will fix the problem, it won't unless the family sees for themselves by doing hands-on caregiving for at least a couple of weeks to understand how it is for the caregiver.
When my Dad had caregivers, I did all the shopping. If there was an urgent need for an item, I would pick it up during my lunch break or after work. I was an excellent organizer but there were times when unexpected things would crop up.
The most important thing, is how your Mother likes the caregiver. When my Dad needed around the clock watch, the Agency sent our a different person each day for each shift. That way my Dad could pick the persons he felt the most comfortable with and who understood his love of puns jokes :) It was a win-win situation. Each shift was 8 hours, that way no one got burnt out.
I remember when my boss' wife caregiver gave notice, it was almost impossible to replace her as his wife [who had dementia] refused to accept anyone new. His only choice was to take leave from work and do the caregiving until his wife finally accepted someone new. I could tell it took a toll on him.
Since you don't know what my caregiving position was like, you really can't speculate.
The out of town family did not leave me access to a credit card so there couldn't be any ordering and delivery going on. I certainly wasn't going to use my credit card for client supplies and groceries. I know better. Every person who's ever worked doing in-home care has had to chase their pay down at one time or another, even when they're agency hired.
Also, good luck finding a reputable agency. I've worked for many years as agency help and for the top nation-wide chains. They offer the in-home caregiver no support or training. That's why I went private care only. The pay was whatever price I named and I was used to no agency support or supervision.
This the reality of caregiving work. If you've found a good one hold onto them and don't knit-pick because it usually doesn't end well for the clients.
No matter what the employee feels or thinks, debster is her boss. In all the jobs I have had, what bosses say go. At times I may question, I even had one boss sign off that he told me something to do I knew would come back at me and it did. He tried to blame me and I brought out my signed paper. His response, touche.
"She has done other things that I do not trust." I think it needs to made plain that you hired her and what you say goes. Because Mom likes her, you really want to keep her on. Tell her if she wants to keep the job she has to realize she answers to you.
I think that many times a conflict gets causes because families don't know what are reasonable expectations to have with a caregiver and what aren't.
Many times families do not understand that one person cannot do the work of a staff. The caregiver can't sit and hold your "loved one's" hand all day or night long while still getting all the other work done.
By 24/7 do you mean just this one person is there all the time? Or she is one of group of aides that you have to provide 24/7 care?
Because if this person is working 24/7 without time off this is illegal. An aide works just like any other working person. 40 hrs a week at a decent wage (at least minimum wage which in my state is now $12) Time and a half for overtime. Days off. You are suppose to be taking payroll taxes out and making sure they are being sent quarterly to the correct agencies. She should get a W2 at the EOY. IRS does not consider her self-employed.
The IRS will let a live-in domestic servant like a nanny (for elderly or kids) file as self-employed if they make under a certain amount.
https://www.dol.gov/agencies/whd/fact-sheets/79b-flsa-live-in-domestic-workers
My Mom was masterful in telling the caregiver to go to a different part of the house to get her something, then as soon as the caregiver left, my Mom would get up and go do something, attempting to prove that she was independent and didn't need those caregivers....and would lie about it.
I gave explicit instructions to the caregivers that their first and only priority was to be with my Mom. The dishes that my Mom just used could be left in the sink unwashed. If my Mom needed something from a different part of the house, the caregiver was to help my Mom to her walker and make my Mom go to the same room to point it out. If it was on a different level of the house, then they were told to say that they were not allowed to get it. Only when my Mom was asleep could they eat or do dishes or go to the bathroom. I instructed them to say "Your daughter told me not to do it" and not do it. I always had the back of the caregiver if my Mom quizzed me.
I've heard of people putting a mini-fridge and small microwave in the bathrooms or closets, just so that the caregiver didn't have to leave the room
In the morning, the caregiver would give me a rundown of all the things my Mom asked for and whether she could or could not fulfill the request. Then I would ask my Mom whether she asked for the things. My Mom would usually deny ever asking them. Some of the requests were absurd. My Mom was in the beginning stages of dementia (we didn't know it at the time) and she was totally unaware or played dumb (once, in a weak moment, she actually said that she "played" the caregivers)
Regarding trust, what other things has she done that you do not trust? It is extremely important to completely have complete trust between the patient, the caregiver, and the person responsible for the patient. I'm assuming that you have removed anything of value from the home. Do you stay there at night or do you go somewhere else? Also be cognizant of cultural differences and try to see if the non-trust behavior is culture based. If culture based, then speak specifically to the caregiver about it and see if you and she can come to an agreement.
So, I would be straight with the caregiver and make it easy to comply. She is NEVER to leave Mom's bedroom while your Mom is awake or could be awake. If the caregiver has been asked to do something that would take her out of the bedroom, then the caregiver is to call you. Chances are, you already have it figured out and Mom and the caregiver just need to know how you have accommodated for that. Hopefully, your Mom is not as manipulative as my Mom.
Regarding trust, if you have found that the caregiver has done something that disobeys your specific instructions and your Mom does not own up to it, and the behavior is a serious breach, then consider terminating the caregiver immediately (she doesn't come in after that shift is over) and paying 2 weeks salary plus living arrangements for 1 night (since she is 24 x 7). In the meantime, I would start interviewing new caregivers since you will have to do this anyway when she leaves for vacation. In the search, you might find someone that is better than what you have now.
Good luck.
On the other hand, you are suggesting your mother is incompetent by saying she is 'bedbound and in a diaper and cannot stop anyone from doing anything.'
Which is it? Is she mentally competent to make decisions, or is she incompetent b/c she's physically unable to stop anyone from doing anything?
You would have us believe your mother is the equivalent of an adult baby lying in a bed wearing a big diaper, yet in the same breath have us believe she's in full possession of all of her faculties (based on other things you've said in previous posts).
Your mother gets to decide how this caregiver operates provided she has not been deemed incompetent due to dementia. She likes and trusts this caregiver and now you want to fire her b/c YOU don't trust her. Where's your mother's say in all these decisions you are making on her behalf?? You say you 'don't want to do anything that my mom is uncomfortable with' yet are planning to wait and 'replace her' while she's visiting family in the Philippines in December???
Again, when does your MOM get to have a say in all this? Isn't SHE the one paying the bills? And perfectly competent b/c she has all her faculties???
It's good that you want to help. It's not good that you are trying to micromanage the caregiver and override your mother's wishes. Respect your mother enough to speak with her about what SHE wants to do here. Don't go behind mom's back to fire a caregiver she likes and trusts b/c she sent her out to get food and you didn't agree with her decision to do that!!! As POAs, we only get to make these types of decisions on behalf of our mother's when they are deemed incompetent to do so themselves. Until that time, THEY get a BIG say in who cares for them, it's not all up to us!
In the meantime, it is a good idea to make your wishes known up front and honestly to this caregiver, once you run everything by mom first. This situation is all new to you, so you don't have all the rules down pat yourself. Give this woman some grace, that is my suggestion. And give your mother a say in who gets to care for her moving forward. Don't treat her like an incompetent child just b/c she's lying in a bed wearing a diaper. If she's able to call 911, she's capable of being left alone for short periods of time.
Hiring and firing a whole bunch of aides is a headache in and of itself. Nobody's perfect and nothing in life is perfect. Unless this CG has done something very untrustworthy you've seen with your own two eyes, I'd have a chat with her and give her another chance.
This is a tough situation for you being new to caregiving and hiring people. You love your mother & want the best for her. There is a fine line between wanting good care for her and suffocating her. I always try to think of things as if I were in the position myself, lying in bed after a stroke. Firstly, I'd want to be gotten up OUT of that bed and into a wheelchair every morning so I could use my legs & get the blood circulating by 'walking' in the w/c. I would not want to be treated like an invalid, and I'd want to have a big say in my own care and in my own life and rehab. What would you want for yourself, if you were in your mom's shoes? That's how to make decisions moving forward.
Good luck.
This sounds very abusive to the caretaker.
Id tell her right up front. I hired you for this. Its not working out. Change the locks and get the credit cards. How do you know it was for 30 mins? Did you see the food containers? Do you know it was just that 1 time, and just for 30 mins?
I'd get cameras. That way you know what's going on. They can be an alarm clock or phone charger. And tell her come December you need that time filled, so you need to hire someone. If I left my job for a month, I wouldn't expect a job when I came back unless it was my earned vacation.
Where are people reading the caretaker is working 24/7. That's not legal. If that's the case, I'd go out too. My answer would be different.
I agree, food can be delivered just as groceries are so that a caregiver does not have to use their car and their gas to run errands for your mom. I think there are just more issues with your arrangement. I did 24/7 care for my mother, but even if I was going to venture out to be an employee to care for someone else - there's no way I'd be tied to a house for 24/7 with no relief in sight. You might want to reconsider and hire 2 or 3 different people to do overlapping shifts. Also, be more realistic about your expectations of an employee.
Of course there may be more to this story: the lady needed a place to live and you needed help, etc.