HELP! My 76 Year Old Father. Dementia?
Every time I call my father all he does is complain how cold it is when he walks the dog, how busy the suburb we moved him to is and talks about maybe he should move back to Arizona. My sister started meddling and demeaning his cute little apartment and wanting him to move in with her even though he says he doesn't want to. We relocated him here in June after my Step Mother passed away. I was his only family member to help him. When I asked my sister to get involved then, she was vulgar and said she couldn't and she was no where to be found. I took care of the death arrangements, bill collectors, social security, Medicare, Medicines, etc and moved my Dad, his car and his dog across the country. We are $7000 in the hole with no help from anyone. My father and step mother had very limited social security income. When she died he lost over a third of his income. We spent many nights learning what his wishes were both medical and living arrangements. We had financial and medical POAs signed and a living will. I looked into keeping my Dad in his mobile home or anywhere in AZ and he just couldn't afford it. With his terrible memory, shut in tendancies, unhealthy living style (3-yr-old spoiled food, dog feces and urine all over the house and especially ground into the spare bedroom carpet.) He never cleaned, was dropping weight rapidly because he never really learned to cook and the bill collectors called 24/7, forgetting to take his meds and his health care group very concerned for him. I found him a modest apartment here in Kansas down the road from us to keep an eye on him, but also give him the space and independence he wanted, cleaned up his finances, put all of his bills on auto pay and I give him a cash allowance every couple of weeks. I cleaned his apartment weekly until I finally convinced my sister to take that over. I cook for him 4-5 nights a week we deliver the food. He has it really good. He has never been a happy man, thinks the world owes him and he complains. He can be very sweet to your face and very divisive when people take his complaining seriously. Some of his stories he tells hint at dementia. My sister capitalizes on this because she is trying to lure him to live with her to Missouri. My sister hated my step mother, accused her of trying to kill my Dad. My sister has issues. Since I took on all of my Dad's finances, he can now live within his means. I have stopped giving him more money a month than he has and he still has plenty for gas, food and cigarettes. Way more than he ever used to have to spend. I would like to start paying me back some of the $7000 we used to rescue him, but don't know if that is ethical. My Dad's memory has come back quite a bit. If he wants to move we are not going to help him do it again. My sister's meddling is keeping him in a state of unsettle. Maybe he should go move in with her. Maybe I should turn all his finances back over to him and walk away. My family has never been good to me and I don't really want a relationship with them. My step mom and I had a good relationship and I promised her I would take care of Dad and I have done that. I am an oil painter and I painted her for my father for Christmas. I do love him. My sister keeps making everything negative. This creates a lot of anxiety when I go to call my Dad or come by his apartment. There is no communication between me and her. She is vile and it does no good. What do I do? Whatever my sister is devising is currently a secret. My father truly has no better options for his well being. He is well taken care of here. My name is on everything, I am the one responsible for getting is subsidized housing paperwork in correctly and on time after the first of the year. Moving states again is no small task. I don't want to get stuck cleaning up another mess my sister and he create. I am POA, do I relinquish that to her even though he says he wants it to be me? Do I keep POA if he goes to live with her? Do I take my name off of everything and hand it back over to him so they can all figure out he has very little options? Since I did all of the work, no one quite realizes how dire and limited his options were and how hard it was to get things working for him as smoothly as they are now. I feel very unappreciated, $7000 in debt and the drama is giving me ulcers. I call him less and less, my husband and sons help me deliver his food. If I call too much he complains, if I call too little or stop by too little he complains he hasn't seen me very much lately. I know this is great fodder for him and my sister about how bad he has it. He is clean, well taken care of, eats well, has glasses, medical care, clean house, has his independence and lives within his means. I thought that was the goal. I helped him out of love, to take care of his needs, not get back into a messy tangle with a family and a popularity contest. No good deed goes unpunished. Help me please. I'm anxious and tired of it all.
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Okay.
Your father enjoys complaining and is, not to put too fine a point on it, a spoiled brat if you don't mind my saying so. But this is unchanged, yes? His behaviour and attitude are not markedly different now from what they have always been? And you love and accept him anyway, because he's your dad. So park that there, there isn't a radical change that would give rise to immediate concern about his health.
Your sister. I'm a bit confused about some conflicting bits of info in your post. For example, whatever she is devising is a secret, but at the same time you have no communication with her because she is vile and it does no good. But... to be fair... if you're not communicating, how can she be open with you about what she believes would be the best options for your dad?
And do I recall that it was your idea, with some considerable effort involved on your part, to get her involved in coming to help your dad around the house?
It looks to me, an outsider, as though you are prepared to cut your dad a lot of slack and content to blame his discontent on your sister's meddling.
Well, now. Your sister may be his living spit and image, in terms of personality. It's quite possible for them *both* to be devious egocentric manipulative frivolous so-and-so's. But I have to say, it is resoundingly characteristic of narcissistic men that they manage to divert blame that properly should attach to them onto other people. Sounds like your dad is playing this one beautifully.
By the way, you can't transfer your POA to your sister. Your father, if he chooses to, can revoke the current POA and create a new one nominating your sister. He won't choose to do that. He is presumably not stupid, and he knows he can't count on her to run his life smoothly, right? But he will yak on and on and on about it. The correct response when he does is "is that a threat or a promise?"
All told, and to cut it short, you need to step back and decide for yourself what you will and will not do, what you will and will not tolerate, thinking it through clearly and with the help of any counsellor or therapist you might like to consult; and then stick steadily to your boundaries no matter what background noise is coming from this pair of monkeys.
And any bills you incurred on his behalf can indeed be settled with his money. Did you keep receipts?
It is possible that your sister thinks dad has a tidy sum stashed away and she is keen to get control of it. Most of these kind of questions have money as the root of the problem.
Why not show sis dads financials then she may change her tune about moving him in with her especially if she would have to finance the move.
If dad has always been a negative person he is not going to change now so just ignore that.
He may or may not have dementia. iI he does it sounds pretty early and his living conditions sound pretty typical for an older man suddenly left alone when someone has always catered to him dies.
If Dad wants to live with your sister there is nothing you can do to stop him but you certainly should not do anything to help that happen. He has said he doesn't want to make the move so let it rest and ignore sis. Complain as he might he is obviously content where he is. What he actually wants is his old life back with step mom ministering to his every need. I certainly would not tell him that but next time his complaining bothers you just bear it in mind.
Most of me just says, forget the 7k. I did this to help him, if my sister thinks she can do better than be the hero after all of the hero work is already done. I have never been the one to receive any thanks for what I do. I do what needs to be done and I help when no one else will. They expect it, so it is no big deal. Someone else always swoops in and gets the credit while they point out my mistakes while I did what I did. As long as my Dad is taken care of I really don't care if the press knows who did it all. But it still hurts. Lots of old family dynamics rearing ugly heads. I am too old for this crap, I have a full life and I am tired of these people needing be to be this dormat person in order to feel satisfied. That is not who I am anymore.
The deal with POA is that your father has appointed you. This does not change if he moves to your sister's or anywhere else. You still have POA unless you resign in writing to him, and/or he cancels the POA with you on it and writes up a new one appointing your sister, or anyone of his choosing. So that means you still retain control of his finances as long as you are POA. Also as long as he is considered competent he can chose where he lives. It does sound like he is a chronic complainer, so there is not much you can do about that, or the fact that he plays your sister against you and vice versa.
If you can manage it financially and still meet his needs, and have the receipts for the items you spent the $7000 on helping him, you can reimburse yourself from his income.
I surely understand that you are fed up with the "crap". You do not have to be a doormat to please others, in fact it would be a good idea to stop trying to please them and/or make them happy altogether. Your father and sis will never be happy from the sound of it. Choose what you want to do and accept that they are as they are. Detach and distance yourself emotionally from the family garbage. It is not easy but it can be done and will be a lot easier in you. Or, if you decide to, resign as POA and cut yourself off from them. I presume your dad would then appoint your sister as POA.
I am a little concerned that your dad is showing early signs of dementia, The animal feces ground into the rug is a bit beyond normal to me.
Let us know how you are. I understand that this is very stressful. I am POA to my mother who always preferred my sister, but knew I would do a better job as POA than my sister. I have also spent $1000's of my own money but did not keep receipts. Sis does not help but she does criticize.
Have you ever read a book called 'Persuasion'? There's a father-and-daughter combo in that which is just as vain and full of crap as your father and sister together.
When either of them gets on to the Dad says Sis says Dad says Sis says routine, all you should hear is "blah-bah-lah-bah-blah-bla" "blub-blo-boo-blip-boo" etc.
These two people find their own lives of consuming interest, and will talk crap about them for ever and a day very happily indeed.
Make your own evidence-based assessment of your father's needs, make your own decisions - see above - about what to contribute, and *ignore* *them* other than to tell them not to unload one another's horse poo on you.
And by all means, if it suits you, sit back and let sister claim possession of him! Watch that space! I'll put money on it, it'll never happen - so if he is getting too much for you to handle, make alternative plans.