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My boyfriend and I drove across the country back in April because my mother asked us to come move here so that would be closer to her. We spent everything out here and have a loan payoff because we needed to put our car up in order to get money to do the move. my mother told us that we could stay with her rent free until we could establish ourselves. However, when we arrived, my mother was in need of full-time caregiving….. her arthritic knee had degenerated so much that she could barely walk and so my boyfriend and I were replaced in the position of not only trying to settle into a home that was ours with all of our things stored in the garage, but also taking care of her! My partner is a jeweler and has his studio here and the basement, my mother knew he was going to this because she herself had a window installed for better lighting. I believe the intentions were good, but as time is progressed, there have been a lot of reveals as far as her mental health, and she just was so abusive and dismissive to us both when we confronted her on some of the awful things that would come out of her mouth. She would say things like if you don’t like it here then you can just go back to Oregon if we could just pull out another $17,000 from our pockets. We barely have any money, but we did find an apartment in which she offered to help with the deposit in the amount of $3000. She gave us $1500.02 months ago, when we signed the lease…. And our move-in date is October 15. we have asked for the other 1500 after we’ve had a few big blowouts because of how rude she was being to us after her knee replacement….. and now she’s pulling a card and lying about us and her offer to help us leaving us in a very desperate position, including threatening to evict us!!! Even though she knows we have an apartment that we are trying to pack and get ready to move into. She is doing weird things like telling us we can’t cook beyond a certain time., and also resent her offer for us to store some things here. She is lying to my brother and my aunt and anyone else she can lie to you to cover up her own behavior and reverse victim blame me. Her behavior is erratic and rude and extremely resistant to supportive help post operation…. I’ve lost my temper several times in which she relayed to others that I am out of line, etc. and can’t have me here anymore taken care of her or living in the house. I have been a very attentive, loving daughter that is merely trying to remind my mother of the things that she needs to do. I even created a whiteboard with her medication schedule and would try to help her do her exercises, etc. and she would just be generally nasty to me. I thought it might’ve been because she was on some oxycodone but we do have a history of being very abusive to me, and it seems that my very presence triggers her and she will resist anything I offer and be extremely disrespectful to me if I am what she considers “ persistent “…..
My heart has been broken to smithereens, my partner and I have been under the most stress we’ve ever been through and our five years together and we have three weeks to go here. She keeps threatening to call the police and have us removed if we even talk back to her, after she has asked us to steer clear of her she will approach us whenever she wants. we do our best to stay clear, but we do have to eat and there are times where she will just start trouble or yell at us and threaten us. Not sure if this is how dementia presents itself or if this is just my mother being evil….But I literally can’t believe that my mom is trying to tell everyone in our family that we need to leave because we are awful people after caregiving for her for months on end and doing all the yardwork and everything else that needs to be done. Discarded and I’d like to know what my legal righte are in the event She keeps threatening eviction, even though we’re moving out. Thank you all for any of your insight.

It sounds very toxic. Can you buy a tent from Walmart and camp for 3 weeks?

Mental illness can be terrible for the family. I think it is worse for the family members than the person exhibiting it.
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Reply to brandee
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I don’t have any words of wisdom to add to the helpful responses already posted. I just wanted to offer my sympathy, and say I strongly identify with I lot of what you’ve gone through while caring for my own 84 yo mother. She died almost 7 months ago.

My situation was not as dire as yours, as I lived in the next town over and didn’t have to move in with mom. Also, while my mom did have some cognitive issues at the end, she wasn’t at the stage of dementia that it sounds like your mom is in.

The part I identify with is mom becoming combative the more I tried to help (even though she was completely bedridden and absolutely had to have the help). Her words were often biting and hurtful. I was working and caring for her part time, while having other caregivers (including family) there when I wasn’t. She often complained about the other caregivers, so I’m sure when I wasn’t around she complained about me.

Im glad you and your partner are sticking together and getting your own apartment. Are you going back across country or staying in the area? The question is, who will care for mom when you move out? Will she allow other caregivers in? It’s a tough one with dementia because the time will come when she will not be safe alone.

I know this is probably the most difficult thing you will ever face. I helped my grandmother with dementia in her home years ago, and she went from sweet as pie one minute to very verbally abusive. It’s a major challenge, especially when they don’t recognize they have dementia and blame everyone else. If you read more on this forum you will hear a lot of similar stories.

I wish you well. I agree with others who have said mom probably won’t be able to evict you before you are able to get out on your own. That’s even if she knows how to initiate an eviction process.

I hope you have a chance to update the forum on how things work out. Best of luck.

Lily
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Reply to LilyLavalle
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Since your question was about her evicting you, look up the eviction process for relatives for your mother’s state. Usually it takes at least a month from when served a formal notice.
You will be gone before then.

I know it’s a bummer that you couldn’t stay long enough to recoup your expenses but truly it sounds like it’s best to cut your loses. I’m sorry it didn’t work out. And if mom has always been difficult, your relatives know this. Good luck.
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Reply to 97yroldmom
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You don't have any "legal rights" in her home, and mom's likely suffering from dementia which you had no idea about before you moved in. Exacerbated by the anesthesia used during her surgery, we see it all the time.

I guess you either need to keep the peace with her, to the best of your ability, for the next 3 weeks, or plan to move out. If mom winds up calling the police, they'll ask you to leave since it's her house. You're between a rock and a hard place, as so many are with parents who suffer from dementia. Some get very mean, argumentative and abrasive while losing their empathy and power to use logic or reason. It really is a terrible situation for you to be in, and I'm so sorry you are. You tried to do the right thing for mom, and look where you're at? 😑

Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.
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AlvaDeer Sep 23, 2024
Not sure about law everywhere but here in California Mom made it THEIR house by allowing them in. Police won't ask them to leave. She would have to evict them which would be a process that would give them time at least to gather themselves up. But yeah, they will have to leave. Mom may need an eviction attorney to get them out, and here in California landlords pay BIG TIME to get folks to vacate the premises.
This couple can certainly contact the rental board if there is one in the town where mom lives.
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It's a fascinating family drama in which mistakes were made on your part with your decision to make this move. But lessons were learned and it looks like you're on your way back to Oregon? I recommend getting far away from mom as you can.
As an 82 year old I will just tell you that my hardest lessons were some of the best! And that you and BF, have an intact and loving relationship is somewhat a miracle in all this. What we here so often see is the wife saying "But I HAVE to stay and take care of Mom", and the BF saying "I am out of here".
You survived. KUDOS.

I think this is just one of those things in your life, you know, in which a lesson was learned the hard way, you survived. And you know your mom lots better. Looks like caregiving is ONE mistake you won't make again.

I wish you best of luck and happy journey and wish I could see the jewelry. I make my own earrings, and love crafting. Again, happy journey home and I wish you the very best of luck. At best in life it's hard to live with others. Husbands, wives, kids, roommates. Just hard!
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Be careful not to allow her gaslighting to be affecting you.
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Reply to Duznnatr
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Seems like dementia to me.

Your situation is dire, and you did all that because you wanted to help your mother who has a history of being abusive to you? I'm so sorry.

If she wants to evict you, you're in luck. That's your escape. You need to get out of there and away from the obligation that never should have been yours. Is there someone you can stay with until you can move into your own apartment? Can you camp out in a tent from Walmart for three weeks? Can you go back to Oregon somehow? If you stay in her vicinity, it will just get worse. She's never going to be the kind sweet mother that you always wanted, no matter how much you help her. Realize that and GO.

Stop doing things for her right now, and plan your getaway. I wish you luck in getting back to a calm and peaceful life far away from mom.
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