I don't want to hurt her. I am an only child, no children. I am 56 and my husband is 73. Moving in together is not an option. She is very lonely. I visit her every other day. I call her every hour or so just so she has someone to talk to. The conversations are no fun. They are the same old thing. Day after day, phone call after phone call. She constantly talks about her bills, and moving in. It is driving me crazy. I don't mind calling her, buying groceries, visiting her, but it is making me crazy. I cry, fuss, yell, kick the wall. I can't get her to stop. She won't go to the doctor. She knows she has some time of depression or anxiety disorder, but she is afraid that they will put her away. I do everything to try to be calm and explain, but it is the same thing. Any suggestions?
Do you have any interests or hobbies beyond Mom? A quilting circle? Volunteer work? Maybe a part time job? Become less available to her. Stop grabbing the phone every time she calls. Stop explaining, explaining and explaining things she refuses to understand. Tell her moving in with you is not an option but that you will be happy to help her find a low-income apartment possibly in a Senior development. Tell her you’ll take a tour of these apartments with her but that if she doesn’t make a choice in 3 months, that’s it. She’s on her own.
My mother constantly hinted about moving in with us, too. It would have been a disaster on so many levels. I deflected and redirected and finally said “no way”. Then I dropped the subject and refused to be cajoled and guilted into anything. I am a grown woman with a disabled husband, grandchildren and a life of my own and I loved my mom very much but did NOT want her constantly underfoot, judging and disapproving of my life choices.
Tell her, “Mom, we have discussed this so many times, I am tired of talking about it. I will help you find a cheaper place to live. We can check out Senior Centers to see if you might like to go a few days a week. But, in the end, it’s up to you. We can’t live each other’s lives any longer. I love you, but I have my own life and so do you. I will answer one call from you in the morning and one at night to say goodnight and that’s it.” And then stick to it.
Not exactly your situation - but Mom wants to move in... maybe some answers are helpful to you?
I didn't visit or call my Mom every day and she lived 5 min from me. I was a phone call away. But she had a life. She cared for Dad. TG he passed before Dementia set in. Because she waited on him hand and foot. But she had friends she went places with, had lunch. She had her Church. Active in committees and dinners.
Maybe you need to sit down with Mom and look at her bills. My Dad died in 2006 and I know that Mom would not have made it now on the 1700 she got a month. Her taxes alone were 6k a yr. Then heating an old Farmhouse. If Mom owns her own house, it maybe time to sell and use the proceeds to set her up in an apartment. Someplace like a 55 and up that has activities and people closer to her age. Things maybe getting overwhelming for her. She may need to simplify her life.
Is Mom immobile? If not, why do u buy her groceries? Get her out and about. Set up a day where you have breakfast or lunch together. Take her grocery shopping and run any other errands she needs done. Anything in between can be in ur time unless an emergency. I gave mom a white board that attached to the frig. Told her to write down what she needed when she thought about it. I set up appts for when they were convenient to me.
I see no problem in checking up on her every few days but calling her every hour is a little out there. The days you see her, u don't need to call. The off days I would only call to say good morning and goodnight. You are allowing her to be dependent on you. She needs to do for herself as long as she is capable.
You may want to sit down where you can look her in the eye. Tell her you think it may be time for some changes. But those changes don't mean she can live with you. Sorry, but that is not an option. But lets go over your bills and see what we can do. Then after looking at her bills tell her maybe its time to downsize to a place easier to care for.