My 93 year old mother is bullying me and won't wash. Any advice?

she tells home helps to get out, i even called the police once and she told them to leave..she is 93 and once a bully always a bully.
my older sister should be helping me, she lives about 45 mins away but she has stopped coming over and finds all sorts of excuses.....covid was a godsend of an excuse..never got a visit to help me for 2 years

i will maybe have to risk falling out with my sister who keeps promising to come over to shower her...my sis actually worked with the elderly here in uk glasgow and everytime i want to meet and talk about care she makes an excuse not to meet plus tells me we cant afford a care home

maybe god will help me as i have nowhere else to turn to...she refuses to see doctors to get assesed or even for checkups to her sight

just to give you one example...i made my sister help before covid, i made her take my mum to get a cattaract out...she screamed the place down like a kid not wanting to go to school

i was very sick at the time so couldnt do it...my sister didnt take her back to get the other cattaract out which was painless...my mum is now nearly blind

i actually dont like my mother and i should leave this house..just dissappear as she wants me to leave now as she says 'i just like living on my own' even though i pay all the bills..get her cigarettes, which is about 30 a day..and so many other things

i think i need to stop asking my sisters advice and see what help i can get, but they will just be asked to leave the house by a very violent nasty person ie the person i call my mother and to be honest i wont get any luck for wishing she wouldnt wake up the next day

thank you all for your replies and prayers

bobby

I'm so sorry for the situation you're in with cancer and will definitely pray that God helps you with courage and strength, my friend. I'm sorry too that you're burdened with such an antagonistic mother to add to your stress :(

In the meantime, if your mother is suffering from dementia/Alzheimer's, that's why she won't wash herself; they get very obstinate about doing so, due to the brain damage and their hatred of water/washing up, for some odd reason. Whatever personality they had seems to MAGNIFY with dementia; so if mum was a bully her whole life, well now with dementia, she's an even bigger bully. That's what I saw with my own mom who suffered from dementia; it was a terrible thing to witness and the things she said to me were horrible. But she lived in a Memory Care Assisted Living facility so I was able to keep my exposure to her minimized.

Is there any way you can use mum's money to hire in home help to relieve you and perhaps help her to shower? It would help you to have some time to yourself to rest and relax, if nothing else.

Sending prayers your way and a big hug this afternoon.

I will assume your from the UK? If so, here in the US we have Adult Protection Service and Office of Aging. If you have something similar maybe you can see if they can take over Moms care because you can no longer do it.

So sorry about your situation.

I'm just not sure what you are wanting? Mom to be different? Sister to take over Mom's care?

It does read like nothing will change for you.. unless you start the changes yourself.

Bobby, I can understand your family being alienated from your mother, but why are they alienated from you? It seems like there is a lot of past baggage we don’t know about.

Quite frankly, I wouldn't wait for God to sort this out, nor for strangers’ prayers either. I’d contact every Scots agency that has experts ready, willing and paid to deal with this. I wouldn't waste the last years of health and life in a thankless task.

Would CareScotland be a place to start? (I see mention of Glasgow)
https://www.ageuk.org.uk/scotland/information-advice/care-and-support/advice-for-carers/

Difficult situation but unfortunately common.

Contact us for to handle this situation.
https://www.agingparentsupport.com

Your sister shouldn't promise to help and then not do it. BUT there is no law that says she has to help -- she has decided she won't be involved.

You could make the same decision. You seem to want to be a martyr, though. Stage 4 cancer?

Do you live with your mother? Or her with you?

As long as someone won't take action to improve their situation by changing themselves, they will get nowhere. You can't change other people.

Sorry you have cancer. Well, you're no longer able to care for your mom. Do not put up with anymore of her bullying. If she refuses help, call APS police service to explain your situation so you can get yourself helped. You may even die before Mom, so please don't wait until too late.

And, stop buying those cigarettes for your mother. You do not have to be trapped as she is not gaining your respect. Similar anger from my mother with her mental illness we went through years ago.