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I am the sole occasional caregiver (couple times a week) for my 97 year old mother. She lives alone at home and has been mostly able to take care of herself until recently. She is highly narcissistic and reclusive and will not consider any other form of help other than myself (her late 60s son). She won't use senior transportation and refuses any available in-home services. Too inconvenient, and they don't cater to her Royal Highness enough. No other family members (including one sibling of mine) local to her will contact her, visit, or help her and haven't done so for more than a decade. I really can't blame them!


She is as physically deteriorated as her home (classic isolated cat lady). She is 95% deaf, making communication frustrating. She's also 90% blind with severe cataracts. She has refused corrective surgery for over 25 years! No doctor or hospital is good enough for her. She's an avid reader and has done so for many years with the aid of custom magnifiers that I made for her. Her general cognitive state is still good, although she's an emotional mess. She's refused to make or keep doctor's appointments for over two years now. I make them, she cancels them. It's a control issue. She can't give it up for the half-hour the surgery would take, nor does she want to risk hearing the doctor say something she doesn't want to hear. Recently she's exhibited serious fatigue and balance issues, and is a severe fall risk due to the condition of her home.


That home is severely deteriorated due to minimal maintenance or renovations other than what I've done for decades (I'm handy and cheap). The yards are badly overgrown and I have to periodically deal with the city's citations about it (which she ignores). She wants it this way as a green barrier against the outside world.


The main issue is that she is wealthy, and could EASILY afford a high end elder care service such as assisted living, a better home, etc. She will not spend any of it for any reason, not even for herself. I share many of those investment accounts jointly with her, but can't use them for either of us due to her refusal to release any of them (two signature requirement). Her long-time mantras over the decades include, 'You must never take out from your investments, it takes money to make money,' and 'I have enough money to make your life miserable.' Maintaining control over her life is more important to her than preserving that life. She reacts badly to any attempt to do something for her that she doesn't specifically want.


Any advice on resources, legal, financial, and mental health support would be appreciated. Thanks!

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Stop helping her/doing for her and then she'll have no other choice but to co-sign checks to pay for services to get things done for her. You are her cushion to fall back on for everything, so why should she have to pay for anything? You're free of charge! When you say, "Mother, I can't possibly do this for you any longer", then what? She's 97 years old, living in a dilapidated old house, nearly blind, mostly deaf, with balance issues. She needs help and if not you, someone she pays for. If she 'refuses', she falls. Then she gets sent to the hospital where they refuse to release her back to her home to live alone, and she's forced into Assisted Living or Skilled Nursing where she's spending a TON of her own money monthly to pay for her care. In the long run, it would be much cheaper for her to shell out what's necessary NOW than it will be to pay $10K a month later when the decision is taken away from her.

When you put it to her in those terms, she may reconsider her 'stubbornness' and start cosigning checks. If not, it's only a matter of time before a crisis occurs and then the powers that be make the decisions FOR her.

What seniors 'want' and what they 'need' are most often two different matters entirely. They need to be shown the light by their loved ones who DO hold a lot of the cards, but are often afraid to exert their power. Your power lies in using the word No. Try it and see what happens.

Your other option is to call APS to do a wellness check on her. They go in to her house, see the conditions she's living in, and her general deteriorated health, and force her into managed care. But that is harsher, b/c it can be viewed as a betrayal, even when it's done to HELP a loved one who's living in terrible conditions and refusing to help themselves.

Last but not least, perhaps a consult with a Certified Elder Care attorney would be a good idea. That attorney may be able to advise you of your rights with regard to these joint investment accounts and if you could possibly liquidate any of them w/o her approval. Probably not, but one never knows. Your mother's competence is questionable here, really, due to how she's living and her refusal to spend any money on her home and herself. If she's deemed incompetent, YOU get to make ALL decisions FOR her.

Best of luck!
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HilltopFox Aug 2022
Yes, I've tried those arguments. They're either totally ignored, or trigger an angry outburst about my responsibilities toward her--an outburst which she'll deny ever happened by the next time I visit her.

The Certified Elder Care attorney is an excellent idea. I never needed a lawyer before, any suggestions on finding a good one?
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Her mental state is far from okay. Consult an eldercare attorney who will provide information about what you can do to keep her safe. On the other hand, if she is at risk for falls, she will have one sooner rather than later. Then she lies there till you show up? And when you do, if she is still alive, you call an ambulance. There will be a hospital evaluation, and more than likely she’ll never go home again.
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HilltopFox, I fully understand what you are going through. My own Mom was the same way, she refused any type of outside help even though Dad would accept such help in a New York minute. They both had saved for such "rainy days".

Let's remember our parents were the children of the Great Depression, so they were saving every penny, and living below their means. Which is a good thing, except when they refused to use said funds for helping themselves.

I really believe that our parents still see us as still being in our 20's or 30's. Even waving my Medicare card and AARP membership didn't make a dent in my Mom's thinking.

Be grateful your Mom is cancelling those doctor's appointments. My Mom was the opposite, she had specialist for everything and made appointments numerous times a year. And she made appointments for my Dad for his specialists. It got to a point where I wanted to scream if I saw one more waiting room.

Sadly, many of us here on the forum had to wait for a serious illness or fall where 911 is called, then a transfer to rehab, then a transfer to a nursing home.
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HilltopFox Aug 2022
Thanks for your thoughts! Yes, my mom is a depression baby, but her adoptive parents were fairly prosperous and her natural father made sure she didn't want for anything. To her money=power and control. She even refuses things (and makes me take them away) that I've gotten for her like safety tub rails and walkers.
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