Hi everyone i'm new to this group, I'm struggling with my aging father who has many health issues and shouldn't be travelling .a little history , i will try to keep it as simple as i can .My parents divorced many years ago my dad had met someone while on one of his trips prior to this . He eventually brought her to canada and married her .. I have a brother who he never stopped talking to , but myself they're was no relationship for over 20 years . I tried to contact him each time i had my sons hoping he may have a change of heart , not sure why as i knew i wasn't the problem .. He chose to tell me he wanted nothing to do with myself or our children .. Moving fast forward about 6 years ago im standing in walmart my dad calls me ..because he's my dad i spoke and did the best i could because by this time i decided i was done . our children are 23, 20,17 our oldest wants nothing to do with him as he wasn't there , our other 2 try .. Hes very needy now being 83 i've taken him on trips etc but now it's becoming to the point he expects to go .. I feel like i don't have a holiday , i get it that he's trying to make up for lost time , but i feel this is on him .. he made a choice years ago .. so much for keeping it short in a nutshell do i owe my father to be involved in everything we do .. how do i say no ? He gets mad if i don't return his calls or go to visit but we work full time sometimes i just go out of guilt . i'm 54 years old why do i struggle with this . Also when he left my mom , he really left her with nothing his new wife from another country who had nothing is set for life and that bothers me as well .. Thanks everyone for reading im not sure what im asking for but has anyone else struggles this way ?
Then his wife died . We rescued him from Florida because he was down there alone and we realized he had dementia . Brought him back up north in assisted living by us . Then of course he wanted Sunday dinners every week with us including my grown children ( they refused to come every week ). And he wanted a family trip on a cruise ( mainly because he wanted to go ) . He said his wife never wanted to go to Alaska . Well , guess what , not my problem . He should have went without her years ago . I wasn’t dragging along a case of Depends, a walker , a wheelchair etc etc .
That would not have been enjoyable .
First we told him we don’t like cruises . He still asked us to take him . Then we told him it is too difficult to travel far with him . He still asked . Then we just told him “No , it’s not possible “.
You don’t owe this man anything at all . You don’t have to use your vacation time from work to have a miserable time babysitting Dad on a trip . My husband felt guilty too . I told hubby that his vacation days off from work are his not his father’s. His father also expected to be taken on car trips to see old friends and relatives he hadn’t seen for 20 years , 4 hours away on weekends .
You don’t have to indulge in your father trying to make up for lost time with people he ignored . You have nothing to feel guilty about .
How do you say “ No “ ?
You just say it . He will pout , bargain , guilt trip etc . But don’t let him see it bothers you . The more you say No without showing it bothers you , he will eventually stop asking . The more you say “ No” , the easier it gets .
So what if he gets upset . This is on him . You don’t have to let him manipulate you .
You don’t owe him any explanations .
The word “ No” is enough. If he persists .
then say “ No , it’s not possible “.
If he asks why .
Just repeat “ No , it’s not possible “.
The less explaining you try to do the better . Just shut down his requests , don’t allow him keep discussing it or put you on the defensive .
You say “ I have to go now, bye “. and hang up the phone or leave and cut your visit short.
Where is his wife in all of this?
You aren’t responsible for his happiness. He’s basically a stranger. Tell him no.
Again, no, you do not have to deal with this. You can forgive the past, but you don't have to have an ongoing relationship with someone who causes this much anxiety.
The guilt you are feeling is called false guilt. You are taking on his guilt subconsciously. You didn't do anything to cause this rift in your relationship. He did it. People kill me with this who will disappear out of your life for years at a time and then come back disrupting you and your family. What these people fail to realize that the other person may consider this a disruption and may not feel like shuffling their time, energy and emotions around just to have them leave again either by choice or by death. Sometimes the kindest thing to do in these situations is to let sleeping bones lie.
I had a similar relationship with my father. He abandoned the family, stopped giving my mother money for the home and food leaving her to fend for herself with no benefits or no income. His second family is currently living in the family home. Dad's been deceased coming up ten years this holiday week. No, I have not been to the graveside to visit in ten years. If I could erase the last twenty five years of the horrible memories I have of him, I would. I take it a day at a time by replacing the negative memories with the good ones.
Part of you wanted to have an ongoing relationship with your dad, and other other side of you wants to shut the door on it. You will figure it out eventually.
I know for me, I'm still peeved about how dad threw us away for this other family making a mockery of our relationship at family dinners I was invited to. It was like he was trying to get me to compete for his affections between him and his step daughters. That was the first and last dinner I visited for a very long time. Going to visit on holidays became more of an obligatory duty than a time of joy. I started to visit on Sundays after church and pretty soon, those visits stopped after awhile after he began to make remarks about my weight gain. I was going through menopause at the time and undergoing weight fluctuations that come with the territory. There's more to this story, but I'll save it for now.
The bottom line here is establishing boundaries with your dad. If you don't want to discontinue the relationship maybe stop the travel and maybe visit when it is convenient for you and your family. Limit the amount of phone calls. Also, stop telling him your plans. It really isn't any of his business what you do and where you go.
I went to counseling which helped a lot.
Yup , He needs rides . My father in law was the same . My husband had hoped for a better relationship . It never happened . We would walk into his room and hear his Dad on the phone with his wife’s kids , crying he missed them and loved them . 2 didnt visit , they lived 2 hours away by car . One visited to get money out of him . My father in law never told my hubby he loved him the whole two years we looked after him . That was hurtful . DH has come to terms with it , especially after his Dad died .
You don't owe him anything.
He had a lifetime to do right by you but chose not to, since he didn't see any benefit FOR HIM.
Now that he's old and needy, he's trying to guilt you into doing FOR HIM.
Be warned - he is a user.
I can only suggest that you stay on the Forum and read the questions/answers. While yours isn't really a caregiving question, with time, if you keep Dad in your life, it soon will be.
This is more a "relationship" question likely best answered by yourself, perhaps with the help of a psychologist (don't do the online; they don't get paid much, and are overpaid at that).
Your question is one involvng your own self-respect (SELF respect), and what you will accept/expect in life. The healthy relationship is one in which there is MUTUAL, respectful, supportive, kind, loving, and nurturing back-and-forth that enhances our lives and strengthens us and our families.
If this man, who by genetic accident is your parent, meet the criteria, then he's a good choice for an adult relationship.
If however, this man never was very nice to you, and still isn't, I think I myself might consider not wasting a lot of time on him while KNOWING what I will get in return.
We often say on AC that an abused child is taught to grovel a lifetime at the feet of the abuser, dersperately hoping to finally be told they're a "good kid".
We have, however, never seen that happen.
Even on the deathbed the reconciliation scenes are things of Hollywood's la-la-land.
You're an adult. We, as adults are responsible to make best decisions for ourselves and our families. And whatever decisions we make, they are CHOSEN decisions, and we are responsible for them, and we and our families will bear the repercussions of our choices.
I trust you, as an adult, to make your own best decisions for your own life, because what would a Forum of strangers know about the details of your life? And because your message to us is clear and well written and shows you to be a kind and wise woman.
Again, welcome. And do stay around and read. I think you will see your story play out over and over; I sure have. Novelists say there are only so many stories, and on AC I have learned they're correct in that. I have seen your own story many times over 5 years.
My experience is that those who kept BAD people in their lives generally didn't have happy endings of it.
A lot of people on this forum have been in your shoes. Its about their 50s and 60s that they realize they are being taken advantage of. That they have been doing things for a parent hoping that it will make them love them. They are usually the child that was not the favorite but the only one with empathy. The golden child has walked away.
No, you owe Dad nothing. And you didn't 6 years ago. He pushed you away. Wasn't there for your kids and thats OK but he really had the gull to call you and expect something from you. My response would have been, nice talking to you Dad here's brothers number. I believe what goes around comes around. This is your Dads come around. You can't treat a child the way he did and then expect them to welcome you back with open arms. He needs to realize that what he did hurt you and your family. There is no getting those years back and making up for them. You do what you want for him when you want to. He is not in control here, you are. Tell him what you said here, I won't be able to include you in our holiday this year. This is just for me and my family. Of course, he won't be happy. If he says something, tell him that he made a choice long ago not to be your father. He will need to be happy with what you offer.
Next time he gets mad because you don't answer a call fast enough...ask him where he was for those 20 years he didn't want you around.