Hi. I’m a 33 year old female and I’m really struggling with my 65 year old mother. Well, she wants a grandchild from me even though she already has 2 grandkids from my brother who are still little.
I don’t feel comfortable having a baby because even though I’m in a serious relationship, I feel like my boyfriend is abusive sometimes. I think he might have bipolar disorder because his personality changes all the time. I already told my mom that even though I’m still with my boyfriend our relationship is not always well. Then she told me: “Well, maybe a baby could change him”. What???? That’s the most ridiculous thing ever. A baby is not a magic pill who will solve my problems or change my boyfriend. If anything, kids are stressful and a huge responsibility. I don’t want more stress than what I already have.
Even if I told her my boyfriend and I struggle in our relationship she still goes on and on that having a baby is wonderful. She doesn’t understand it’s my choice. I used to ignore her comments but I’m already sick of having to make her understand that I won’t bring a human being into this world if I don’t have stability in my relationship. I don’t want to put up a fake smile for a baby while I might be miserable inside dealing with my own problems.
My mom seems obsessed about being a grandma. One time I went on vacation with my parents for a week and all she did during the entire trip was talk about her grand daughter and how much she “missed her”. When I talk to my mom about my job, my dream of buying a house, or going to Europe with her, she acts like it’s a boring thing to talk about. All she cares is about me having children. She thinks that should be my ultimate goal in life.
Last night I couldn’t sleep because she brought the subject again when I clearly explained children were not on my plans. Since she goes to church, she told me that I should listen to the preacher’s message. I heard it and the preacher was basically praying for all women that couldn’t conceive. The message was about reproduction. Ahhhhh why is she so stubborn? I feel like I will have to cut her off from my life if she treats me like a child making machine and not an actual human being.
What can I do to make her understand it’s a personal choice?
She was thrilled when I gave birth a few days before our 4th anniversary, but got right pissy when I was not dropping everything to travel for 1/2 a day to bring the baby to her. She easily could have come to us, but nope she did not want to. She got into a right snit when my former father in law and his new wife and step daughters came out from England to see us, before she saw the baby.
After a month or so we traveled to see her and she immediately started in on when was I going to give her another baby. Good God woman, I had not fully recovered from the birth.
You have the right to say..."Mum I will not discuss my decision to not have a child with you." If she starts up, leave the conversation, walk away, hang up the phone etc. It is part of putting boundaries in place.
I was the vessel that brought forth the grandchildren. Her own daughter never had kids, didn't want them.
Getting snitty when they don't get their way? Yup. Days before my son was born, she called asking us to come for Easter. I didn't realize it at the time, but the backache I had at the time of the call was early contractions (most of both births were back labor - yuck!) I tried to politely decline. When I said I wasn't feeling up to it, she wanted her son (my ex later) and my daughter to come, without me. Yup, it's Easter, so you can sit at home alone while we yuck it up! I should give my boy a little bonus... His timing was perfect, and ensured NONE of us went to their place for Easter!
She ALSO got VERY pissy when her ex showed up and wanted to meet with his grown kids (don't know the details, but he was out of the picture - I suspect SHE made sure of that!) So, the 3 of them met up with him. Later he came here, and first time met with me and the ex. She had eyes and ears about town, so she was aware and unhappy about it. When baby #1 came, he and his wife came back and we met at the motel they were in. Again, she heard about it and the SH!T hit the fan! The final straw was him coming to our house after baby #2, around Xmas. Oh BOY! I think it was SIL who told mom (although she'd been schmoozing often with him, to get him to leave her all kinds of things, such as his car, mechanic tools, etc.) Next thing I know, we're being summoned for a summit at their house. I declined. I said this is between you, your mother and step father. LEAVE ME OUT OF IT. That man did NOTHING to me and I'm not going to slam the door in his face. No clue what went on, but didn't care. I don't recall ever hearing any more about it. Her big thing was he hasn't earned the right to be a grandparent... Right? Genetically he IS the grandfather. What does he have to do to "earn" that? No, the issue was she was extremely selfish and didn't want to share with him.
It is sad how petty so many people can be... and thoughtless.
I have often said you need a strong marriage to survive children!
I'm more concerned with your boyfriend. Has he been diagnosed with bipolar disorder? It is a terrible disease. A few of my co-workers had wives with bipolar disorder. One wife killed herself, leaving her husband with their young daughter. One wife spent so much money on mail-orders -unbeknownst to her husband, since she had everything delivered to her work address and rented several storage units - they had to file for bankruptcy. My uncle was also bipolar, and ended up with a compulsive hoarding disorder, since he stopped taking medication once he retired from the Navy. He died alone in his house surrounded by his hoard.
If you intend to forge out a life with this man, I think you need to lay it on the line - either he gets professional help for his mental problems, whatever they are, or you walk. And even then, be ready for the long haul through life - one of the reasons bipolar disorder is so difficult is the patient has to forever be tweaking medications, and from my understanding it's a lot of trial and error.
As far as mom goes - tell her you are DONE with the kid conversation. When she brings it up either 1) hang up or 2) leave. Tell her you will talk to her again once she can get over her obsession with kids.
Good luck!
Walk out when your mother starts the baby talk.
Your mother sounds a little "off". Pay no attention to her rants. Forge your own path to happiness.
It doesn't matter. Your mother can bore the pants off you on this subject but nothing she says or does can make you want to get pregnant. Tell her that if you like, but otherwise just let it be.
PS Ditch the boyfriend.
Why would you stay with an abusive man? You deserve better than wondering what next or if you will survive the next round of abuse.
You can stop trying to reason with her since it's obvious that's never going to work. When she launches in change the subject abruptly to something totally unrelated. If she keeps going back to it just keep changing the subject. Is she escalates, walk out of the room, put in ear buds or whatever blocks her. This is called "extinguishing" a behavior. Good luck!
Stop explaining to Mom. Its actually none of her business. When an Aunt kept asking my SIL when she was having kids, SIL told her Aunt would be the first to know. SIL never had kids. Why, I have no idea. That is something between her and my
You are smart in not making any huge decisions. I wouldn't even buy a house with this man. If you feel he is BiPolar, then maybe u should suggest he see a dr. Meds can help. Know when to walk away from the relationship.
I used to work with a woman who was content being single.
People constantly asked her why wasn’t she married.
She would say, “I am happy being single.”
Some people are idiots! They would say things like, “Oh honey, you just haven’t met the right guy.”
People would try and set her up on blind dates. She refused their offers.
One day she was speaking to me at lunch about the busybodies at work.
I told her. “I am so sorry they are hounding you. Even if you do marry, it won’t stop.”
Certain people will always try and tell you how to live YOUR life and NOT because they have your best interest at heart.
I explained to my coworker that I was married but didn’t have kids.
These busybodies at work kept telling me to have a baby!
I explained to her that I had fertility issues and wanted children but I was not going to share my private life with busybodies!
Your mom is a busybody that is interfering in your life.
The only people who do this sort of thing are people that aren’t fully living their own lives.
So they feel the need to live vicariously through your life.
Don’t fall for it! Tune them out.
I give you credit for not wishing to procreate with an abusive man.
What I don’t quite understand though, is that if you don’t wish for your mom to interfere in your life and she doesn’t have a right to run the show. Nor does your boyfriend.
Your boyfriend doesn’t have the right to rob your peace and joy either.
Men are not DIY projects. Stop wasting your time.
Value yourself for the wonderful person that you are.
Then you will find that you are attracting positive people in your life.
Very often people will treat you the way that you treat yourself.
Do not ever lose respect for yourself.
Surround yourself with people that appreciate you.
Best wishes to you.
Constantly.
Insist on bringing it with you when you visit her ("she's my baby....")
The more unusual the pet, the better (snakes work great for this trick since you can wear them around your neck like a tie and have your hands free).
thanks for the stress relief, i sure needed it!!! Im going through tests the next couple of weeks that may be a cancer diagnosis. So every chance i get to laugh, i take it. Again thank you!! Liz
My mother was mean and argumentative when she started drinking (pretty much the same time every day), and would always try to pick fights with someone in the family. One time she marched up to one of our teen-age sons and said, "Why don't you join the army? You should join the army!" Without missing a beat he said, "You're right, Grandma. I should do that." It completely took the wind out of her sails, and she went back in the kitchen to think of some other way to aggravate someone.
My point is, she may be trying to start an argument and sometimes the best thing to do is to out-maneuver her.
'Tell her you are really considering it and she will be the first to know. Whenever my brother was asked when he would do something, he would always reply "Soon"."
Makes me think of Charlton Heston in the Michelangelo movie (had to look up the title: The Agony and the Ecstasy). I don't recall any of the movie other than when he's painting the Sistine Chapel. The Pope keeps asking him when he will be finished (make an end) and Heston replies "When I am done!" Once it was during Mass, and Heston dropped a brush, with it clattering and echoing all the way down the scaffolding. The Pope wordlessly mouths out the words and Heston does the same!
I've often use the line with others when at work or whatever. I would get asked what time do you get in? When I'm here. What time do you leave? When I go! The uses are almost endless!!!
Anyway, what's concerning about your post to me, as a mom myself, is that you're with an abusive and mentally unstable man. Please think hard about ending this relationship right away and respect yourself enough to not tolerate ANY abuse from ANYONE for ANY reason. Mental illness is no pass for mistreating you. I have a bipolar step daughter and let me tell you, my tolerance for her is almost non existent. I cannot and will not subject myself to her behavior because it's off the wall.
If you need to, have a conversation with your mother and let her know her obsession with you having "her grandchild" is driving a big wedge between you and if she doesn't cut the crap immediately, you will cut HER out of YOUR life. Which you don't want to do.
Toxic people wreak havoc and cause unnecessary chaos and ulcers in our lives. Even when they come in the form of boyfriends and mother's. They don't have the right to ruin our peace or strip the joy from our lives. Don't allow it any longer, you deserve more
Especially with an abusive boyfriend!
That would truly be a miracle!
I don’t think we need seniors being pregnant or having babies!
Oh my word! Just the thought of it freaks me out!
How about every woman’s fantasy of ‘THE MAN’ going through a pregnancy and child birth?
No doubt, we would have a smaller population!
Oh, and can anyone picture a man breastfeeding? 😂 LOL
Okay, I better shut up now! Heehee
I am wondering about one other thing, though. Your profile says you take care of your mother. What do you do for her? Make sure you don't end up being the one who becomes her elder caregiver. She is bugging you now about children, but in the future she will be bugging you about many many more thing. Beware.
What are her plans for her future? Is she retired? Does she live by herself? What is her financial situation? 65 is NOT old (at all!), but since you wrote that you take care of her, I am wondering.
2) re your mom - you do not have to get her to change her mind - she won't, that is her problem, not yours. Do not get into a discussion about this. "mom, we've talked about this already, i'm not going there any more" if she insists - you leave or hang up "sorry mom, love you, but gotta go" eventually she'll get the idea that she can't bring this up with you. Boundaries are for you. She doesn't have to agree or approve of your decisions. You have the right to not discuss this.
It sounds like you need to stand up for yourself politely and more often. It took counseling to help me - am i glad i did!
Your mom calling to talk about the preacher's sermon on women and reproduction was not her not being "stubborn". It's being rude, disrespectful, and cruel. Please stand up for yourself to your mother.
Is your brother your only sibling? If he is then the next time mom gets on you about having a baby because she wants many grandkids, tell her that she should have thought of that when she was still in her child-bearing years. It was her responsibility to make sure there was a baby in the cradle every year like devout, old-school Catholics. If she did this when she was young and had a dozen kids then she'd have a whole bunch of grandkids now.
She didn't do that though. It's not up to you to fulfill her wishes of having babies around.
There's a volunteer program that's sort of like Big Brothers Big Sisters of America, except it's for kids who don't have grandparents. Someone like your mom would probably be great for some kid who needs a grandma.
So, you live your life as you wish and by your rules. Good luck.
My mom knew a woman who had 17 kids!
One day a neighbor was saying that he saw her drinking in a bar.
My mom told this gossiping neighbor, “Well, I am not going to comment on her behavior, because if I had 17 kids I might be sitting on a bar stool drinking too!” 😆 LOL
I giggled so hard when mom told me about this incident because my mom doesn’t drink but she completely understood that life with 17 kids would be enough to drive ANYONE to drink!!!
Remember the crazy reality show, 19 kids and counting? It was something like that. I never watched it. I remember seeing the commercials for it.
Or the crazy woman they called octomom.
If a person wants a bunch of kids, it’s their business. More power to them but I hope they can afford all of them and have nannies! No one can spread themselves that thinly.
Plus, no one should expect others to have a bazillion babies.
As far as religion goes, the “church” isn’t going to raise those kids! Parents have the responsibility to do it and it’s a tough job!
I adore my kids. I do not have grandchildren. I would never expect my daughters to have kids so I could have a grandchild. That is not a good reason to have a child.
People are crazy! Out the box. CRAZY! 😝
Nothing shocks me anymore.
And while you’re at it, please find a new boyfriend.
Agree with text below, dump the boyfriend. He is not good for you either. Do not settle or wait for the worst to happen.
We had to have a "Coming to Jesus" talk with mom. Explaining that I didn't HEAR the biological clock ticking. Sister 1 wanted a career and travel. Sister 2 simply didn't want children. Then point out that SHE had HER choice, leave me have mine. You need to point out the hurtful things, the selfish way she is acting and the dissapointment you feel because you are not HER baby factory. She'll get it. PS You will have to repeat this speech to her again, and again, and.....