My dad died after a horrible year of stress and very little sleep for me. Relieved he is not suffering, but I can’t sleep over 5 hours Help!

I'm so sorry for the harrowing journey and loss of your dad. May you receive peace in your heart and healing in your spirit.

There is such a thing as "sleep hygiene". At the risk of giving you "common" advice, I think you have trained your body into a pattern but the good news is that you can also retrain it into another pattern.

- get exercise every day (but not right before bedtime). Even just a long walk at a brisk pace
- don't drink alcohol after dinner (this one is hard for me but I've learned that it totally disrupts my sleep quality)
- don't eat a large meal later at night
- do things to relax your mind: turn off stressful news or shows after a certain hour; listen to calming music, etc. Give your body time to fully relax.
- take a long soak in a nicely hot tub (or take a shower)
- make sure you have the blue light from devices turned off
- if you wake up in the night resist mental activity because you are bored or frustrated...the more activity you have your mind do, the less likely you are to get it back to a state of sleepiness
- try melatonin (it's not a sleep aid, but it acts as a signal to tell your body it's time to sleep)

If you live with someone, have they ever told you that you snore? If so, you may also have apnea, which would require a sleep study. You've had a rough time, so pamper yourself now for a good long while.

Been there...Done that.
I think all caregivers do this.
It was a long time before I could sleep through the night.
It was a long time before I could go out shopping without the thought that I had to get home by 3:00 so the caregiver could leave.
It was a long time before I thought about making a dinner that was not a soup so that it could be pureed.
You need to rethink and find yourself again. That can take a while.
You need to "reset" your clock.
Take your phone out of the room.
Do not watch TV in bed.
Bring a book with you and read if you have to . Get a timer for the lamp so that if you fall asleep reading the light will go out and not wake you later.
Get a white noise machine and set it on something calming. (mine has several sounds my favorite is the "summer night" with crickets and other calming sounds you hear on a summer evening, I can't listen to any of the running water ones though😉)
If you don't get in a bit of exercise get in a nice long walk.
If you do not have a lot to do during the day look for a place to volunteer if you feel comfortable doing that.
And You have been through a war of sorts and good possibility that along with the grief you do have PTSD. Have you talked to someone? There are medications that can help you. Medications are a TOOL not a CRUTCH.

First, my sympathies on the loss of your dad. (((hugs)))

Secondly, how long has it been since dad passed? Like you, I spent over a year with mostly nights of broken sleep, listening for any noises from my mom. I thought, the night she passed away "well, at least now I might get a full night's sleep". But for me, it took months. My mom died in the beginning of October; I really didn't get back into a "normal" sleep regime until the end of January; normal being I get more full nights of sleep than broken ones. But I still have 1-2 nights a week where I wake up "listening" for mom. I just think it's going to take some time. Remember, any sort of change - even things you're excited about happening - cause stress, and stress is deadly to sleep.

I think Geaton has given you some excellent tips to help promote a good night's sleep. If this goes on for a long time - that is, if you don't find your sleep patterns at least improving by the spring, I would make an appointment with my doctor and speak to him/her, and be guided by their advice. But I hope, like me, as time goes on you will be able to get some decent night's sleep in the not-too-distant future.

Good luck.

Time. Mainly.

You may also find meditation techniques helpful - have you tried anything like that?

I completely agree with Geaton about sleep hygiene. You need to establish a new bedtime routine. Decide what time you want to go to bed. Start preparing 1-2 hours before bedtime. Turn off the TV and put on mellow music. Have a hot mug of herbal tea. Take a bath. When you get into bed, make sure the room is dark. Use your phone to stream white noise - babbling brook, etc. It takes 3 weeks to establish a new habit. I hope that you get back restful, recuperative sleep. And I hope you'll keep us posted on your progress.

Dantala, I went through this even after my dad was placed in a facility, because the phone would often ring in the middle of the night to report a fall, etc.. It took me a long time to develop a healthy sleep pattern after he died. I think my body was conditioned to be on high alert. I had to find a night time routine that worked for me. My doctor suggested Chamomile tea before bedtime. It works well for me.
Here is my routine:
Plug in clear, twinkle lights in bedroom (these are so soothing... I just strung them along the dresser top)
Warm shower or bath
Scented lotion
Chamomile tea
Brush teeth
Watch or listen "how to" videos on YouTube
I am out for the night...return to sleep after a bathroom trip!
Again, this is what works for me and some might not find my routine helpful.

Different circumstances, but after I had worked a graveyard shift for five years, and then had to suddenly turn around to trying to sleep at night, I could not. Same as you, unable to sleep, interrupted sleep, etc. I was miserable and tired in the daytime. None of the typical advice about ‘sleep hygiene’ and setting new patterns helped one bit. I could not sleep in the dark. To sleep at all I had to turn a light on. A room that was too quiet woke me and wouldn’t let me go back to sleep as I automatically strained to hear what to me were normal sounds for sleeping to.

My suggestion is the opposite of what others here have said. Go with the setup you are accustomed to - have that video monitor on by your bed. You are used to that light and if it’s not there your body goes on alert. Bit by bit, you’ll sleep longer as the calls for help aren’t coming through. Eventually you will be able to turn it away from you, and then off entirely.

Also contrary to most sensible sleep advice, we sleep with a TV on all night, replaying the same movies, quiet movies but ones we like. If we wake up, we have something pleasant to look at that is also a bit boring as we have seen the movies so many times. It only takes a couple minutes of being awake to one of those to put us back to sleep. All of this is accompanied by the familiar sounds of a CPAP and oxygen machine, and a room air conditioner. We both sleep quite well with all this very accustomed sound and light, much better than we ever have trying to do ‘proper’ sleep techniques.

Our minds are very much creatures of habit. It forms a habit and sticks with it.
I would recommend a radio at the bedside. Turn on talk radio or classical music you listen to really mindfully, listening to the different instruments. This takes your head out of the circular stir of the stew it wants to jump into every night.
I wish you luck. Avoid sleep aids if you are able. Do know some of them that of OTC are based on diphenhyramine which can have a sort of rebound anxiousness affect. Sominex doesn't but most do.
I wish you luck. It is a matter of time. Anxiety about it will make it worse.
Everyone is helped by something different. For me, opening my kindle and reading fiction for a bit, escape fiction, will loosen the hold anxiety can get on the mind.

It is not unusual to wake up during the night...it happens a lot but we don't actually always remember it. Good advice so far on sleep hygiene. I would also add trying Tylenol PM (unless you have liver issues).

Because your dad died recently, you may “outgrow” your sleeplessness. My wife died 3 years ago and I still don't get the proper sleep. I. too, awaken in the wee hours and have to decide to either just get up or to try to fall back to sleep. I tried the radio but if it's a talk show, I get engrossed in the conversation. I went to music radio and that's a little better, or reading may help, but they don't help me STAY asleep. I tried nature sounds, melatonin, no help. Alva is right about OTC sleep aids. They're OK if taken intermittently, but not long term. Geaton's regimen may also help. As of now, I still don't have a good answer to sleep deprivation even after being prescribed Trazadone by my PCP. You may want to visit yours. I hope your sleep problem is short term.

Perhaps add in an epsom salt bath. Magnesium sometimes helps with sleep.

I love the ones with essential oils in them.

I'm sorry about your Mom!

I sleep with an earpiece plugged into the all-news radio station all night. When I have a sleepless night, nothing will put you back to sleep like traffic reports every 10 minutes and endless commercials for plumbers. :-)

I also take 3 mg of melatonin every night before going to bed. That's the smallest dose you can buy, and while I do still have some sleepless nights when I'm stressing badly about my mother, I do fall asleep again eventually.

The important thing I've found it to not stimulate my brain too terribly much if I do wake up, so absolutely no reading, no lights, and no electronics for me, or I'm up for the duration.

Since you need to retrain your sleep habits, and it's hopefully a temporary thing, I suggest you take OTC sleep meds until you can get in a better sleep pattern. Tylenol PM or ZZZquil, and of course melatonin is important, and all non-habit forming and OTC.

Others suggested meditation and mindfulness, and I agree that practicing those things will help, too.

If you do all that has been suggested here,then try melatonin in varying dosages and still have no relief I would talk to a doctor about medication. I know many are against it but it is hard to be functional after successive days of no sleep. Perhaps it might help for some nights and you try others without but you should get some relief. On days after bad nights of interrupted sleep I feel both wired and tired and often don't want to drive. Since I am now up at 3 after having fallen asleep I will likely have a day like that tomorrow but fortunately I have nothing I have to do. I get anxiety when this happens and I have appointments the next day. Hope you find a solution suitable for you which may not be ones for others.

Your body has just gotten use to the change now it has to have time for the new change.

Try taking a hot soak in the tub right before bedtime and have the room dark and cool and listen to some relaxing soft massage or nature sounds music.

Sip a cup of warm nighttime tea.

Make sure you don't drink lots of fluids past 6 or 7 PM so you don't wake up to have to go to the bathroom.

Praters

Skeep will come.

I’m sorry for your loss. I find white noise to be a comfort. Waking early to a too quiet room just kicks my mind into overdrive. A simple fan is perfect but there are free phone apps, too.
I’d avoid looking at a screen as that’s been shown to be detrimental to sleep.
I take melatonin to help me sleep-I have anxiety that keeps me up. Good luck!

I've experienced several deaths in my family, almost all of them one after the other for 10 years straight.
Like you, I no longer feel normal, my stress level is always high, and even though I'm exhausted I can't sleep.
Part of it it a permanent change that will likely remain, however there are some things you can do to help.
You should seek conversation (like you did here) and get some things off your chest. Clearing your mind of the things that trouble you are the beginning.
Try an over the counter natural sleep aid. See a doctor for something stronger if needed.
Spend some time thinking about things that interest you, and from there you can start a new hobby, maybe a business, just try to look for something new in life that interests you because it will make you feel better overall, and that is the key to starting to rest well again.
I wish there was some magic word or action to help you, and others like you, but there isn't so this is all I can offer. These things will help........Best of luck

Grief counseling through your local hospice organization will prove helpful and it should be at no cost to you.

Dear Dantala,
Bless you, and thank you for your diligence and faithfulness for taking care of your dad!! Sounds like you are doing what is right in terms of no caffeine... maybe you could also walk or exercise a small bit everyday (get some fresh air and sunshine), eat well (proteins, fresh fruits and vegetables) and stay hydrated. My parents passed away and it has taken me awhile to “decompress”. I totally understand the vigilance and high stress overload. Instead of watching tv or looking at any screens, maybe you could read before bedtime. The quiet and time for your brain to process reading will help. I read my Bible. Psalm 19:7a says “The law of the LORD is perfect, restoring the soul; The testimony of the LORD is sure, making wise the simple.” Have peace about how you’ve advocated for your dad. The Lord will redeem your time and your sleep. I know because He did this for me. He is the God of redemption. Now, you can take time for yourself. It’s hard to slow down once you’ve been in a constant routine of high stress, but hopefully, you can now take time for yourself. May He give you His peace, the peace that surpasses all understanding. Many blessings!!

Very sorry for your loss.. You don't say how old you or the age of your father. I assume you are in your 60s or 70s.
White noise such as a fan is good to help you sleep. Also when you wake up don't look at your phone turn away from the clock and phone and lay still and force your mind to think of a vacation at the beach or somewhere you would like to visit. It takes around 30 days to change a habit. Keep this routine and you will find yourself sleeping longer. Remember also that as we age and become more sedentary we need less sleep. I am 75 and I sleep about 5-6 hours I don't nap. I try to go to bed around midnight and wake up around 5-6 am. Good luck .

I am the primary caregiver for my husband who has advanced Alzheimer’s. I too sleep with one eye opened and as a result, I only have 3-4 hours of sleep each day. And I have a full-time job.

I asked my husband’s neurologist about my lack of sleep and he said it could take several years for the previous sleep pattern to return after the stressor is gone. Meaning, after my husband passes away.

So, give your body time to heal itself and you can then regain your equilibrium.

Yoh have been in a war..a mental..emotional...one...it has taken a toll on you..no doubt...your body clock got used to the hectic schedule...you can try CBD oil...I know people who have had sleep problems due to anixiety issues have good results sleeping using CBD oil...please take care of yourself..you've earned a good nites rest..Be Safe&Well

I have no additional advice ~ LOTS of great suggestions already posted. Just offering comfort in knowing that you’re in good company. My parents both passed nine months apart (mom just three weeks ago). Both had “good deaths” with little suffering and passed at home (per their wishes) with family. That’s definitely a blessing, especially knowing how many folks couldn’t be with their loved ones who have died in nursing homes during the covid pandemic.
As my parents’ primary caregiver the past few years, I understand sleeping with one eye (and ear!) always open. Even though my parents are gone, I still go into their bedroom to check on them. Although, now (until we can have a memorial service), their cremains are in urns resting on a bureau ~ so at least I can say hi.
Take care and go easy on yourself!!

I had the same situation. Solved the problem to a great extent by using a talking audible book on iPad or a podcast on my phone by my pillow. As boring as possible, certainly don’t choose a page turner! Set the timer ti switch it off after 30 mins. If I concentrated on it it always put me to sleep within 15 mins. Rewind the next time. Do the same after you have woken in the night. It was like magic! Hope it works for you.

My guess would be your body and mind need adjustment to the change. If you are like most, when you physically lie down, your mental (and emotional) turn on. Maybe, you could try starting a routine to calm down. Do what relaxes your body (physically and mentally) such as reading, listen to music or meditation, stretch or maybe do breathing exercises, just find what works for you. You have been through a year of constant activity and it takes your body and mind time to recover. Do not get discouraged, rest when you can and hopefully you will get back to a better night’s sleep. Some may suggest seeking medical help and this may be necessary. But be careful not to rely on sleep aids. This is just my personal opinion, I am not a medical professional, I try to avoid drugs, if possible. You should do what works for you!

I totally feel you- my dad just passed 3 weeks ago but my sleep isn’t what I was hoping for yet. I’d like to suggest that you take up meditation. It helps quiet the mind and might make the sleep you do get now more restful. It does take a little while to settle into meditating, but it’s worth being patient!!Someone mentioned CBD. It can help but not all products are created equally! I used Charlottes Web and got great results during the past couple years as my parents health was failing. I don’t use it anymore, but it was helpful! Good luck!

I'm going to suggest a somewhat different approach that I'm seriously considering after having tried it a few times. Are there times during the day when you feel particularly sleepy? (For me it's around 3 or 4 PM.) If your schedule would permit, it might be worth taking a nap, perhaps a good long one (sometimes an hour or two), to catch up on sleep. I have found that doing so makes me feel rested, and although I still sleep the same amount at night (i.e., getting awake at 3 or 4 AM and lying awake for a couple hours), I manage to "grab" more hours of sleep over a 24 hr period.

I'm thinking that one's body will tell a person what will work best for it, even if it doesn't align with the "modern" schedule. If one is retired and doesn't have caregiving responsibilities (or no longer has them), then one has more freedom to discover and adopt the daily routine that works best.

I recall reading that before the "industrial age" many people slept at various times of the day as their work and other responsibilities permitted. The "get up and stay up until night time" routine was mandated by the institution of 8 hour (or longer) shifts in factories, etc. (although many other walks of life undoubtedly kept people busy continuously throughout the day). Now so many societies are "programmed" to believe that sleeping during the day is a sign of laziness.

Look online and find calm.com app. You can try a 7 day free subscription and then you have to pay after that. I will tell you this app has saved my life many times. There are all kinds of meditations for stress, anxiety and everything else. The best thing is they have some thing called sleep stories which I listen to almost every night. I rarely hear more than four or five minutes of the story and then it is morning. I’ve often used them to get back to sleep after a wake up during the night, I don’t know what it is but it is a miracle cure for me.

Also for the last four months I’ve been working with a sleep psychologist at the Cleveland clinic sleep disorders center. She has me do a sleep journal and then every month or so we check in about sleep habits. She had me do a reset of my sleep cycle and it also helped tremendously. I’m sleeping usually about six hours straight a night which is an enormous improvement over what I was doing. Also at my age she says six hours straight is probably as much as anyone could expect.

I'm experiencing the same thing. I recently placed my husband with dementia in a care home and I thought I would immediately get my good 7 hrs sleep. Wrong. I agree with the poster who suggested counseling as my Support Group has been a fabulous help in my journey to retrieve myself. We didn't establish these crazy habits overnight and we won't get rid of them overnight either. I'm finding that the more I reclaim my former life (getting back to my quilting, the ability to maintain a much less cluttered home, eating better, etc.) the more continuous sleep I get.

I have the same problem. It’s been about 3 years, and it is now getting beginning to get better.

The advice you get, while sound, is usually difficult to implement. I’m speaking here of what they call ‘sleep hygiene’:
1. establish regular sleep hours
2. Avoid naps (especially long naps over 20-30 minutes)
3. Get exercise every day, preferably outside.
4. use the bedroom only for sleep or sex
5. do something calming for the hour before bed.

most of these are just hard to do on a regular basis, especially when you are already exhausted.

I like to watch news before bed. Just can’t seem to give that up. It’s like seeing a wreck on the highway. You know you shouldn’t look but can’t turn away.

I tried melatonin, didn’t work. Trazadone worked for a while, but after 6 months I had to up the dose, after a year I felt like a zombie.

I am finally learning to accept that I often will sleep only 5-6 hours at night. Then I nap when needed, but I try to keep naps short.

Meditation is also helpful, but not so easy as it may sound.