My dad died after a horrible year of stress and very little sleep for me. Relieved he is not suffering, but I can’t sleep over 5 hours Help!

My mom passed in July and my Dad in Dec. They both lived with us, so I get the monitor and phone being near you 24/7. I was up til 3-4am for weeks:months when my mom passed. I would take some Less Stress gummies and watch my favorite sit com til I fell asleep. Probably not the best, but it worked for me. I pray for you. It’s not an easy time.

I’m so sorry to hear about your father.
I never had problems falling asleep until my father died. At the time, sleep was my escape and I just couldn’t. Time and cutting out caffeine helped me eventually, but I feel your pain!

My mother is living alone with moderate dementia. I am an only child living in another state and have not been able to visit due to Covid restrictions. This weighs heavily on me, and has disrupted my sleep. I use an app called Sleep Cycle to retrain my sleep patterns. That, meditation, and hiring an elder care advisor to assess my mother’s needs has helped me improve.

I support the answers that recommend exercise and establishing a regular routing. I'd avoid screen time if you wake up in the middle of the night. Yoga stretching can be very relaxing. Yoga Nidra is a very gentle form. If you don't have any problem with herbs, chamomile tea could help (make sure you know if it conflicts with any meds you may be on). If you have the ability to talk to a grief counselor or spiritual counselor, that could help. It takes a while to retrain the body not to be on constant alert. I think two months is too brief a time to expect yourself to recalibrate.

I’m so sorry to hear what you and your mom and family have been through.

My last child started sleeping consistently through the night just 2 years ago. After years of being up at all hours of the night to care for children, it took me about 6 months to be able to sleep through the night. I had a relaxing bedtime routine, limited fluids, and took 3mg melatonin which helped me to get to sleep, but I still woke up completely wired (and exhausted) around 3am and couldn’t get back to sleep. It finally helped me to extend my sleep by going to bed earlier (9-9:30pm) and then earlier (8-8:30pm). Once I had established that routine, I changed my routine again by staying up later and later until I was tired enough to “break” through the 3am barrier and regularly sleep beyond 3am. Now I have no issues sleeping until 6 or 7am. In the past I have used the same strategy for severe jet lag (12 hour time difference moving to SE Asia and then back to the US), and a similar strategy might help you after you take the time you need to grieve.

Be patient, it will take time to get to a more normal sleep pattern, it's only been a couple of months. Try spraying lavender on your sheets and pillow, it's soothing and relaxing. Sorry for your loss and I wish you the best.

I take an extended release melatonin and I listen to talk radio or go against the norm and look at calming video no audio or FB on my phone till I get sleepy then I’m out within 5 min and sleep 6-7 hrs. I used to get 7-8 but those days are over since getting older seems to change things
best of luck but I think in time your body will adjust😊

I doubt your sleep is permanently altered, though sleep patterns do change as we age. It sounds like you are still in high alert mode! I know what that's like. It took a long time before I stopped jumping whenever a phone rang. I even dreamed phone calls. Possibly you are still dealing with business related to your parent which keeps the issues in your mind. I can only tell you what worked for me. I had put so much of my own life on hold, I barely knew myself any more. Exercise helped, especially outdoors. No pressure, just moving. I got a little hydroponic garden which gave me something to care for. I remembered I used to draw and got some colored pencils. In short I tried to find my way back to my own life. I also talked to a therapist a couple times. Be kind to yourself. Find something that makes you feel good. I wish you well.

Hello,
#1
you will get back to a sleep pattern that gives you what you need.

#2
you have been “shell shocked”
this is true and completely expected for a caregiver, don’t feel alone.

#3
take a conscious and deliberate step in getting a good nights sleep by doing SOMETHING like investing in a white noise devise or app on your phone.

#4
realize and remember that your loved one is no longer in pain and suffering

#5
deep long breathes

#6
smile
i know it may sound silly but try it
at bedtime, it’s amazing how it will calm you in to the perfect body/mind set to sleep well.

I know this will help you if you take it seriously.
you WILL heal in time.
you must allow yourself to do so.
you did what you had to do for your loved one and now you need to do it for you.

Let me offer my sympathy for your loss and stress. I lost my husband, my love, about four months ago so I can sort of understand.

Your body set itself into a ‘can do’ pattern to deal with the demand and stress. It can reset itself, but it will take time. You now must retrain it back to normal. It will take awhile, but I believe it will happen. Here are some of the things I do or think would help.
Take walks, exercise, swim (if possible), have lunch with friends, get a pet and foster a pet, mentally tell your self, he is out of misery now, i did what I could, now I can do what makes me happy. Buy new clothes. And I have found a CBD product that helps make me BE CLAM. It does soothe the nerves without any side effects. One during the day, one at night. It helps.
Of course, there are reminders and bumpy times. But hopefully your body will adjust. Give yourself time. Four months, unfortunately, is not very long for the kind of stress you have experienced for your whole self to get back to its old self.

Spring is coming, plant a small garden, walk in the sunshine, chat with friends. Buy something new, like a new sweater, shoes. Be happy that your Dad is no longer suffering.

my sincere best wishes
Bernadette

I went through the same thing. You are always alert and it’s hard to get used to not having to be so. Have you tried melatonin? It works great for me as I’ve never been a very good sleeper. I still wake up but I’m able to get back to sleep easily.

You ate only a couple of months into recovering from the stress of care taking and the shock of your dad's death. Give yourself time. Worrying about whether you will ever sleep again will keep you awake.

I have not slept through the night for the last 40 years, but I learned that "bi-phasic sleep" is a normal pattern for some people, so now I do not fret too much if I wake up during the night. Don't think too far ahead when you wake up in the night. If morning comes before you've slept enough, promise yourself a (short!!) nap sometime during the day. You may not ever bother with it.

Don't schedule things for too early in the morning, so youcan sleep a little later if you do fall back to sleep.

The after effects of care taking and a death may take several months to wind down. Entirely normal. Be your own care taker now and don't demand too much of yourself.

My 87 year old loved one died of Covid two weeks ago. I’ve been caretaking for the last five years, with the last year being glued to the phone, waiting to hear the next bit of bad news. Have you tried Melatonin? It’s a natural sleep inducer that is available over the counter. Also, an indica gummy right before bed does wonders. There are some good sleep inducing meditations on YouTube. Good luck, and may you sleep soundly and deeply.

I have a small glass of milk with a magnesium supplement about half an hour before bed. It helps a lot. There are also apps, one is called the tapping solution that is a form of guided meditation. This works best if you don't have someone next to you who may not appreciate the noise. Also, keep a journal so that if you wake up and are struggling to go back to sleep, it can help to get your thoughts on paper (or onto a laptop).

As someone that has done shift work for 90% jobs, I have been suffering from abnormal body clock but still managed to sleep or catch up on it on days off. Now I’m looking after Mum and full time work so I’m averaging around 4-5h sleep a night. But worse is my body has decided to be tired during the day and awake at night. I’m now in a new job thanks to covid and I’m struggling with the 9-5 hours. I honestly don’t know if I’ll ever be normal with my sleep pattern. But I do hope I’ll start getting some more rest. Doesn’t help that Mum is typically only getting up at 2pm and going to bed 3am. It’s 4.49am atm and I’m still to have dinner. I feel that it will take you some time to get used to sleeping more but whatever you do, don’t let your body clock slide to being a night owl. I feel like I’m dealing with 2 problems, one being circadian rhythm and the other being only having 4-5h sleep. But in my case the lack of sleep is forced atm. You can hopefully slowly get back on track. The rain app on the phone is really good :) and do you go for a walk before going to bed? I sometimes do even if it’s midnight just around the house but I have a long drive way with multiple townhouses so feel safe. My doc said I need to start getting up early even on the weekends to force myself back to rhythm but I don’t have the energy for that.

That's where I am as well and it's 3 years since Dad & his dog passed. I had 2 of them. Doubt I ever get out of that 2 year pattern of caregiving that I did as a live in.

Like you, I was a longtime caregiver (five years) and hardly ever slept more than a few hours at a time. Towards the end, I was having to wake up every hour or two and would often find myself changing all of the sheets after an accident, having to cook or change diapers in the middle of the night, dispensing medicine, or whatever. After my fiance passed and the necessity ended, the poor sleep habits continued. I was despairing of ever getting a good night's sleep. It took months, but now I do! Here's how I changed my sleep habits:
1. For a few weeks I took one 5mg. tablet of extended release Melatonin.
2. Stopped drinking either coffee or tea after about 3pm.
3. Limited ALL liquids about 3 hours before my intended bedtime.
4. Stopped watching TV after 10pm and started reading instead.
5. Wore loose-fitting socks in bed. For whatever reason, they help me sleep better (possibly because my feet are warm).
6. If I woke during the night and hadn't gone back to sleep in just a few minutes, I would read a book, NOT look at my phone. The blue light from a phone or computer interferes with sleep.
7. Did NOT use a white noise machine (latest research shows that the constant low-level noise can actually cause hearing loss.)
8. Get on a regular schedule. Go to bed at roughly the same time every night, and get up at the same time every morning.
9. Let time work its magic. You have been through a lot, and with time your body will return to better habits. In the meantime, if you feel drowsy during the day, take a short nap (not so long that it keeps you from sleeping at night).
10. You might consider using a weighted blanket. These have been proven to reduce anxiety. They are available online and at stores too.
Your body is trying to tell you that you need more rest. Tell your mind to listen to it, because it is wiser than most of the people giving you advice, including me!

I don't know how old you are, but if you are not retired or living off of disability you need to look for a job to be able to support yourself. Caregiving over the years will adversely affect your livelihood unless your dad was well off and left you enough to live or retire on.

When I can't sleep I play a computer game and it takes my mind off the world then suddenly I feel how tired I am and simply fall asleep

It takes a while to readjust to changes in sleep habits. I still check that I have my phone nearby In case someone calls about Mom, who died in December.

Age could be a factor, as well as health issues. I just found out that I have a thyroid problem which causes sleep issues. Have you discussed this with a medical professional? Maybe your insurance has an on-line option you can call. I think the first thing is to rule out any medical cause, then seek help from a sleep clinic or advisor. What works for one person may not work for you.

I too, was so alert to baby monitor for my husband, who was in the next room, with Hospice. I barely got any sleep the 4 months he was home. Even after he passed, had trouble getting my 8 hours. Started taking Melatonin 10 mg, over=the=counter vitamin, taking it an hour before sleep...helped somewhat, and eventually got back to 8 hours. Try a banana 2 hours before sleep.

You've been through a tough year. Kudos to you! You may still be grieving the loss of your father. And losing your status as a caregiver may also be taking a toll. It takes time to decompress after a year like that. Standard advice is to exercise during the day, and I think it's better to exercise outdoors if you can, or if you're indoors, open the windows to get fresh air. Even walking can make a difference. You'll have to rebuild your life to get new routines and new goals. Be good to yourself and do things that make you feel happy. Make sure you're eating healthy foods and if possible cut back on sugar and salt and anything that might have caffeine (soft drinks, etc.). Specifically for the sleep issue, I take extra calcium and magnesium before I go to bed, and also use homeopathic or natural sleep aids for a night or two if I'm having difficulty sleeping. It seems to get my body back on a better routine. Talk to your doctor or nutritionist about it.

Hello Dantala,
Bless you for being so good to your dad. I am a registered Sleep technologist and sleep can be complicated. You need to establish exact sleep and wake times, even if you can't get to sleep on time. No caffeine or alcohol at all.Remove the phone, put into another room. Room should be completely dark and cool, wear socks if your feet are cold. If you can't get to sleep within 30 min, get up and sit in a nearby chair, in the dark, no phone. Sit until you feel yourself getting sleepy, then get back in bed. Set your alarm for the same time every morning, even if you feel tired. Get up at same time every day! This is very important to setting your sleep patterns. Your body will gradually adjust. Best of luck.

I'm going through the same thing. Being my dad's anchor throughout his dementia, dialysis, heart attack, chf, and everything else, it feels like I lost my son. I miss him. Not many believe that being his caregiver was the best time of my life. I guess when someone takes a piece of your heart with them when they pass away, it's going to hurt. The pain shows how important they were to you and that's not a bad thing at all.

I encourage you to get grief counseling. After we lost our son, we did that and found it to be very helpful.. Ours was through our local Hospice, but there are a number of available resources most places. We have encouraged others to do that after losing lost ones and they all have found it beneficial.

You have been through a lot and there is certainly nothing wrong with getting some assistance.

Best of luck to you

Did you ever think that your dad didn't appreciate all you did? He may not have said it to you but I think in his heart he may have been thinking to himself I don't know what I would do without her. You did the best you could for dad so you should not have any regrets. I wish that I could talk to you in person because it seems as if we share similar experiences. I took care of my dad and listened for his footsteps in the morning so I could cook him breakfast gave him his heart medicine. ll my family thought I would go to pieces from grief but I did not because I strongly believe I did the best I could, have no regrets and I have peace in my heart. Now it's your turn to have a peaceful night's sleep and peace in your heart, Email me if you want to talk. I'm wiling to listen

BLESS YOU. I lost my Mom this month. My heart is with you. It will take months or a year for you to completely “DE-program”. That’s stress. Wear it like a badge of honor for obviously being there for your Dad.

A smart routine involving physical activity, nice diet, and appointed hours to rest, if possible, will eventually return your system to an agreeable compromise. Reading typically helps the mind unwind, perhaps not too interesting literature because a great book personally keeps me turning pages, but a lesser thrilling subject seems to allow sleep to present itself. Soft, low sound light classical music helps the mind to gain tranquility, a proven method that alleviates and bring relief, kind of like a cleansing of sorts. Wish you a speedy recovery, sorry for your loss, and remembering at all times that when we punched in our time card, a day we will also have to sign out, just a fact of this life. The saddest to see loved ones depart first in no particular order sometimes. I gladly would have traded my life for a couple of people that left sooner than expected.

I am so sorry you’ve had to go through this. I know how you feel. My father died about 2 years ago. He was 94. Very healthy until wife passed away when he was 89. .The problem was he placed absolutely no trust in family for his care. He refused to talk ...and I mean absolutely...about any health issues let alone end of life wishes. One day while he was in hospital, I told him he was very ill and he needed to talk with someone about his wishes. Never spoke to me. After 3rd time of being admitted to hospital in 8 days from rehab because of temp/sepsis, I had to be the one to make grueling decisions which have left me forever scarred. Maybe a bit of counseling/med to help you sleep. You will get through this. It will take time

Find yourself some relaxing/stress relieving music to play softly before going to bed with the lights dim. take some melatonin about an hour before bed, drink some warm milk or tea with honey. definitely keep phone out of room and silenced so you are not disturbed. It might take some time to unwind mentally after such a stressful year. Not sure how old you are, but as woman are post menopausal (personally for me) it doesn't seem like I sleep a full nights sleep without waking to use bathroom or just restless some nights. Be mindful of what you watch on tv before bed (nothing too stimulating) or on the computer. put some lavender in a sachet box or something like that also in your room (IF it doesn't bother you) to help you relax. wishing you luck but it will take time.

Bless you for the care you gave your dad. Unfortunately, the 24/7 supersonic hearing comes with the job.

How great to have a sleep therapist respond to you a few posts back! Sound advise, I'm sure.

Also, sitting in the morning sunshine (even in your car on the way to work) is an important component of re/establishing your circadian rhythm.

I would caution you with the multiple suggestions of taking melatonin. The 10mg(?) as suggested by someone is waaay too much to begin with, if at all. Melatonin supplements can have adverse side effects and interfere with some medications and health conditions (I speak from experience). Check out this link from the Mayo clinic:

https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/expert-answers/melatonin-side-effects/faq-20057874

Hope you can get into your sleep groove soon!