My dad died and I do not know what to do?
I do not know where to emotionally put this. My dad pre-paid for his funeral arrangements and even picked out his own casket. There are very few practical details to arrange. It is just the other stuff swirling around it.
Dad died a couple nights ago. Both parents are in ALF. Hospice was there for dad in the last week. I had visited my dad routinely but was not there when he died. I have posted often about dysfunction in my family, and because of it I had mostly no contact with my sister the last several years. As parents moved to an ALF, I had infrequent and small interactions about logistics.
I was my dad's health POA and until last month was also financial POA along with my sister. She however got an attorney last month to go the ALF and had my dad change the POA to be only her. It felt like she literally erased me. She also had her name as primary point of contact at the ALF.
I had asked staff to call me when the end was near for dad. I also called the Hospice coordinator and asked her to tell me too.
I woke up a couple days ago and noticed a missed call from my sister at 1:15 in the morning. I had left my phone in my purse and did not hear it. I figured dad was gone. I did not however call her and instead called the ALF who confirmed my dad passed in the night and my sister was there with him along with her husband and two adult children. They informed me the time he officially passed, and it was 45 minutes prior to my sister's call. It seems they all gathered as my dad took his last breath, and I got one missed call after it all occurred.
I wished someone would have tried a little harder to get ahold of me. Maybe even try a couple calls. I then wanted to know where my dad was and what decisions were being made so texted my sister asking how dad's pre-planned arrangements were going. She replied that she did not know what I was talking about and to be more specific. I asked how dad's wishes were being carried out, and just replied that mom needed toiletries, and I could help with that. So she was giving me assignments, not answering the clear question.
I just started calling the funeral home, and someone there said dad had indeed arrived there and was awaiting my sister to tell them about details of the service arrangements. I said what I wanted, but they said my sister was the point of contact so it had to be her decision. I currently have no information three days after my dad died.
It feels like my sister deliberately cut me out completely. As for where I am now, I am at peace with not being by my dad's side when he died. Actually I am glad that I did not have to share such a sacred moment as that with this sister. I quietly said a prayer and released my dad. I had already said everything I had to say to him, and I personally have no loose ends with him. This is what is holding me steady. Is there any other way to feel at peace with this?
I was POA and my sister who lived an hour away never visited.
How often did you visit your dad? What does routinely mean? Because maybe your sister felt that you weren’t there enough? Maybe she felt that she could be there more regularly and decided to change the POA to make decisions easier to be made? That would make sense. There is so much a POA has to do. I was always busy with those tasks.
One thing to know is that the POA designation ends at the moment of death, so she is no longer POA.
The remaining decisions are made by the executor or the next of kin.
I cared for my mom. She had to be in an ALF becauae she was a 2 person assist, but she was just half a mile from my home. I spent a couple hours with her 2 or 3 times a day, every day. So 5 or 6 hours a day usually. It was nice and she was so kind.
I was POA and now executor and all I am doing now is exactly what mom wanted. Nothing is being changed or altered. I am working with my brother on all the final arrangements using the preferences my mom documented. My brother will get 1/3 and my sister will get 1/3, even though she was 100% absent for the last 12 years.
It’s what my mother wanted. Not for me to question. (And 12 years is not a typo.) My mom loved all 3 of us, regardless of any shortcomings.
Who did your dad name as executor? That person has ultimate responsibility now but that doesn’t mean others should be excluded. You may not like your sister or she you, but he loved you both. Try to help eachother get through this time.
I really don’t like my sister. I mean if she wasn’t my sister we wouldn’t be friends. We are just so very different.
But a couple days after mom passed I sent my sister some of moms personal things so she could have an opportunity to feel close to mom and hopefully help my sister get through whatever grieving process she might go through. She called to thank me the next day when the package arrived and she mentioned in passing that she gave half of the items to her neighbor (already). But I wasn’t surprised. I honestly can’t believe we are related.
However, because my sister did not make the 1 hour drive to visit mom in the last 12 years, she had no idea what mom wanted for her final wishes and my sister was not there with mom and I for those difficult conversations, I feel no need to consult her in that regard. However, I am sending her the info for the services. I really doubt that she will attend. She is just too busy with herself. That’s fine. It doesn’t affect my life. It was an honor to be the one to be there for mom and to have so much time with her.
I don’t know if my sister has any regrets but I am certain that it was best for me to be POA and settle moms estate because I gave these things (and my mom) the attention they deserved.
So if you are Executor for your dad, get to work. If you are not, reach out to your sister and ask to be involved in decisions and arrangements. Just work together. Ask her to split tasks with you for the services and the gathering. Tell her if you would like to speak at the service , write the eulogy, or read a prayer or a poem, or just speak from your heart. Tell her you would like to be there to go through Dads things and box things up as necessary.
Just do what you would have done. She shouldn’t have any issues. If she is selfish and refuses much participation, then just do what you can, and do something special for your dad. And when you speak at the service, make it all about your dad.
I am very sorry for your loss.
🌠
I’m sorry your sister is mean .
I think you need to stay away from sister .
I think it’s some sort of cultural thing ( from where I don’t know ) that people think they should sit waiting for someone’s death . There is no right or wrong . Personally, I would not want to be there for my parent’s last breath . I sat with my father because I thought someone had to . Then I realized he would not want me there for his last breath and I left . He died about 5 hours after . This is the way it often happens anyway . I don’t think I would want my children to have that memory of me either .
My condolences on the loss of your dear dad and over all the losses you've been forced to deal with.
If there IS something you can do about it, think twice and talk to someone else before you try revenge. It may make you feel worse, for longer.
Yours sincerely and with love and commiserations, Margaret
So sorry about all this, my condolences.
All I can suggest is to just know that deaths are especially hard in dysfunctional families. Speaking from my own experience, everyone in my family went completely nuts when my father died, including myself. Looking back on it, I wonder if my state of rage was a shield against my grief. Or not. What your sister did sounds pretty underhanded.
Anyway, I'd say just let it be. Let go, let god as they say, and I'm not even religious.
Don't get into a pissing (can I say this on the forum?) contest with your sister, even though she deserves it. If she truly does something terrible, contact an attorney and let the attorney handle whatever dispute there is, but don't handle it yourself. Try not to communicate with your sister at all, until you have the chance to grieve and regain your own equilibrium. Tangling with your sister now will just make recovery from your father's death harder for you.
Take time to rest and grieve - you deserve it. Be at peace.
Ugh. No. Tangling with anyone further, fighting for justice, etc. will just keep me active in the worst of dynamics.
You have made your peace with the situation, so don't under any circumstances give that peace up. Be the bigger person, and make your dad proud.
Please get some grief counseling and get general counseling on a way to stop following habitual patterns that are hurting you and making you feel "less then". It is time now to remember what good memories you are able. To write sister your love and condolences; thank her for reaching out when you Mom passed. Tell her your phone was in your purse. Tell her you have many fine memories and will treasure them and that you will put unhappy memories away from you and move on.
You have choices to make. You can stay steeping in all of this until it is a very bitter brew indeed, or you can take what lessons there are, practice the serenity prayer, make good family for yourself. Remember. Two chances at family. The one you're born to and the one you MAKE.
One choice will waste your love and your life. One choice will lead to happiness. Not everything can be fixed. Some things must be survived and moved away from you.
My best out to you. Remember, death bed scenes that are redemptive are almost solely a fiction of movies and books. They are not real life. We make our own redemption by living a quality life.
Your sister sounds pure evil, so vindictive, and the time of loss and funerals is the most cruel time of all for such behavior. Sadly, it’s not uncommon. If she was my sibling I wouldn’t contact her again. If it’s important to you to attend whatever she plans, contact someone you know will hear the plans and ask to be informed in advance. If you can have peace without attending, plan your own way of honoring dad and do it on your own or with people who bring good things to your life. I truly wish you healing, hope you’ll soon attend a GriefShare group, and much peace in the days ahead
Your sister sounds like a pretty horrible person, right now to me. I know I'm only hearing your side but this is Just so wrong in so many ways. 😔🙏😓
I could go on, but I think at this point it is better that I let this go. I cannot correct the course this is on, and nothing good will come from hanging onto it. Thank you.