Surely I’m not the only one feeling guilty that I had to put my Dad in a long-term facility because he just can’t take care of himself anymore. He still has his mind for the most part but he doesn’t make great decisions hence the need to put him in a facility. He also is not physically able to walk far, make his on food, take his insulin shot/medicine etc. I know he is sad that he is not living out his retirement dreams of living at the beach and fishing on the pier everyday.
But he has made bad choices over his life such as not saving money for retirement and not taking care of his body due to a lot of drinking alcohol and chewing tobacco most of his life. To be honest, he is lucky I am even speaking to him with how much pain he caused my Mom and I over the years.
Mom passed away 13 years ago. We were very close and I always thought Dad would pass first and Mom and I would be able to have all kinds of girl time. Instead, I’m an only child and taking care of the man that wasn’t the father I needed. He tried, but alcohol was his choice to ease the pain of his tiny, mean mother that controled him his entire life with shame, guilt, and verbal abuse.
Thank goodness I broke the chain of that type of emotional abuse with my daughter. So, I have a love/hate relationship with my Dad. I’ve cleaned up so many messes he has made because of alcohol abuse, hoarding in apartments that caused bugs infestations, etc. but, then I feel guilty that I have a much better life than he had and maybe me asking them to help put me through college put them in financial trouble years ago. I’m 58 and he is 78. I’m still dealing with these emotional bags!
At least he is being taken care of in the nursing home and I don’t have to be constantly being his 24 hour on call caregiver, doctor appointments driver, grocery shopper, financial representative now.
When does this weird guilt subside?
You have not earned guilt, but rather praise. You could have just walked away and left him to his own devices after your childhood, but you've chosen the love part of that love/hate relationship. I see nothing to be guilty about.
You did the right thing for your father, so I'm not sure where the 'guilt' is coming from. Your father is in a SNF due to his own poor choices in life that he made over decades, that could have been changed at any time, but weren't.
Most of us reap what we sow.
I feel like your dad is fortunate to have you to care for him, honestly. He's being cared for in the SNF and THAT is what really counts. Please find a way to move past the guilt and on with your life that he's ruined enough of already.
Good luck to you.
Abolish any guilt, you are not responsible for your father drinking and choices he made.If anything can help from my point of view, my experience with my first alcoholic husband was similar. Guess what, guilt was dominating my life.
Always guilty of something, anything and everything was always my fault, until I realized it was not my fault and marriage ended. Drinking was his choice and his only love.
Most alcoholics if not all will do anything to justify their habit and manipulate, guilt. Enjoy and celebrate your life!
thank you for your reply back.
I’ve provided him safety now and that is the best I can do. But it is still so hard to mentally move on. Thanks for your reply back. It really helped
It is NOT your job to fund his retirement; neither was it within your locus of control to guide his choices.
He had all this time to get sober, take better care of himself and be good to you and your mother. He chose not to. It hurts to think he chose all that instead of you.
It could be that placing him crushed any last hope you had for him being the father you needed. Or at least acknowledge that he wasn't a good father. Somewhere deep inside, there's a girl who needed her daddy to be there for her. And he wasn't. And never will be. That's hard to accept. It can feel like a loss even when the person is still alive.
Guilt is a choice. It infers you could change things, but in all truth, without the sacrifice of your entire life, you could not, and even if you DID that, it's unlikely you could change things overmuch. You are not God, and thus not omnipotent. Not a good fairy and thus you have no magical wand. Life doesn't have a "fix it" for all things.
Accept your human limitations. Embrace them. They are a real fact of life. Visit and know (which I suspect you already DO know) that you are doing a good deal more than many would, and than many would expect from you.
I wish you the best. Choose the right word, because the words we repeat over and over to ourselves matter. If you need to label yourself with a Scarlet G, make it "Grieving".
He is responsible for his own retirement, his own circumstances that is not your burden to bear. He has created his own sadness you did not.
Honestly, I cannot wrap my head around why you are self-imposing yourself with guilt, you owe him nothing.
He is safe, fed and cared for so why not start living your life and not worry so much about his?
Our stories are similar in so many ways. Im 59 dad is 78. He just wasn't there for us at all when we were younger. He totally lived for himself as if he didn't have children. Then came a time he had to take us in and that was a total failure. 40 years later he has dementia. I always knew this day was coming. And yet I was also feeling what I thought was guilt. I think we feel whatever it is that we are feeling because we are decent people. Because I have heard horror stories of kids that had good parents and yet they treated them badly. If it were up to my Narc sibling my father would be far away from us, i had to intervene. I made sure he is safe, and in a decent place I visit him. But I am living my life. Thats all you can do. But I will say, he does talk about how hard we had it, and he does say don't let me mess up your life. Do what is going to keep him safe and when those feelings pop up remember you are doing the best you can.
Wow. I started to write a response 3 times and deleted it because each sounded not the way I intended.
So I am going to start again.
You have nothing to feel that "G" word about.
Placing him in a facility that will ensure his safety is the best thing that you could have done for him. Had you not done so I am sure his life would not be the idyllic retirement that either of you would picture.
I am sure he can still fish if someone can take him and make sure that he is safe doing so. You can look into fishing groups and see if anyone would take him, (I know there are Veteran groups that do this with/for Veterans in my area. If your dad is a Veteran look into that.)
The last of your question...
"When does this weird guilt subside"?
The answer to that is up to you.
When you understand you have nothing to be guilty about or for.
When you understand that most or all of his health problems are of his own doing.
When you understand that what you have done for him was/is in his best interest.
And on and on.
He may not have been the dad you wanted but what he did give you was an understanding of what type of parent NOT to be. The desire to break a cycle.
And do not feel "G" about asking them to put you through college. They could have said no that they could not afford it. But all parents want their kids to do better than they did. (and you did) I am sure what he spent on smoking and drinking could have put you through college.
Now that he is in an environment where he is not drinking (I hope) maybe you have a chance to talk to him, learn about him in a way that you couldn't before when you were picking up the pieces.
Best Wishes to you
Keep us posted on the next steps you're taking.
Sounds like your Dads poor decisions and lifestyle are the reason he has no retirement money. If he did have money, what would he be doing? Drinking? Otherwise squandering? Of course he would. His issues with his mother (your grandmother) may or may not be the reason for his poor life choices. It’s in the past and doesn’t really matter at this point. Your Dad turned out how he turned out. Now it’s time to quit dwelling on stuff you cannot change or control.
I know seeing your Dad get old and feeble is hard…that’s normal. However you should not feel guilt at all. You should feel proud that you have done the best thing possible to ensue your Dad is safe and taken care of. You should feel proud that you’ve broken the chain of dysfunction for your own family.
Visit your Dad, and try to make some nice memories before he comes to the end of his life. But don’t feel guilt if you can’t. If his ability to make decisions and care for himself is affected, sometimes it’s really hard to make a “connection”.
Do the best you can in visiting and quit teaching your daughter it’s ok to feel bad about stuff you had no control over.
Maybe there is some kind of unconscious pleasure resulting from a truly unconscious self-aggrandizing mechanism that makes a person feel they could be the reason, THE motivation for other people’s misfortune or their possible life’s remedy.
Could this feeling of yours be under the umbrella of survivor’s guilt? I don’t know.
I’m not even answering your post here in particular but instead the overwhelming number of posts from good people, including my own beliefs during a very long period of my life that I can make my parent, sister, brother lives better. A superman ego?
You're mixing sorrow with guilt. Your responsibility, as a self-respecting human being in this case, stops after making sure your dad, is being taken care of. He's sheltered, fed and in a clean environment.
Very interesting reading “…..pain he caused my Mom over the years”. Pain he caused you. Pain he caused your child to have such a grandfather. Pain he cause your child who sees a sad mom. Don't bother with the fake brave bandaid. Wipe this out of your brain. It always shows no matter what you think. You'll be a completely different person.
You’re not feeling guilt, you’re mourning a life that could’ve been nicer. Many of us are in the same boat. You have to change your thoughts when they go there. Play music, play with or give your child a hug. Get on the phone order a pizza or make a date with a girlfriend.
When does this weird guilt subside? How is it that you already know it’s WEIRD guilt? Why do you feel a need to cater to the offending person? Your dad chose many bad things over you and your mom.
I’ll play along with this crazy “When does this weird guilt subside?”
Your guilt may be quelled if you write the person you offended a letter of regret for your offense. Be certain to include in that letter; admittance of your guilt; your apology and how you will make amends; and mention that you’ve learned from the past and that you’ll feel great gratitude for their forgiveness.
Or,
Stop being your mom (may she rest in peace) who didn’t or couldn’t stop his behavior, or walk away from such a life.
Stop taking on other people’s guilt for them.
Consider learning how to clarify and identify the personal conflict in yourself (short term therapy or read).
Be more assertive. It was what it was. Good bye Was.
Don’t argue with him, (pointless), but don’t carry his guilt, internalize his guilt or apologize for him.
Why are you enjoying this feeling? It does not belong to you. Mourn, be sad and let the dang thing go for you and your kid.
Maybe he didn't do everything like your 'dream' father would have done. There are lots of parents out there who didn't make bad choices regarding saving money for old age - they just had very little to save. Not everyone gets to make the huge bucks all their life - some are the CEO's and some are the custodians of the building. Even you acknowledge that he helped pay for college to give you a better life. So being at the facility is not a bad thing and there's still time to create some better memories .
That means it's still possible to go fishing on the pier. Rent a beach house. Talk with him. If he can't walk, wheel him to the pier, cast the rod and let him remember how it feels to reel in a fish. Many lake areas have cabins and concrete walks around lake or to a pier to fish. You can even make it a day trip to spend quality time with him. Give it a try. Can't hurt.
Time together is what got them to this point in the first place. She needs time to herself now.
Move on and live your best life.................you didn't ask for the life you got either, but at least you have time to live a better life than either one of your parents did.
There is an organization called, "Adult Children of Alcoholics." They have written books on the subject too.
you will learn that this “guilt” may be inherited trauma. Sounds like you have taken steps to stop the toxic pathology you learned from your parents to help your daughter but please consider counseling so you can be healthy for yourself.
good luck. 🙏🏽🙏🏽
And really some times it is better to have people I don’t even know talk with me especially if they themselves have experienced so much like I have.
And you know I really think that they “inherited trauma” is on point. I really have PTSD from it all including his mother and sister. See I can’t even called them my grandmother or aunt. That is a lot of what caused trauma. I did go to therapy about all of that junk with them after my Mom died.
And another person replied back to me and they said to give myself some grace and it is time I did so. Thanks!!
you've done everything for him, what exactly has he done for you? It's time to get off your back, shrug off the guilt and start living your own life! If your mom were alive, what do think she'd say? She'd want you to take care of yourself.
Your dad will be alright I promise you. I'm not suggesting leaving your dad, I'm suggesting leaving the GUILT. 58 is too old to continue looking after dad without help, and too young to let life pass by. Join clubs, have a night out once in a while get together with friends. When enough time passes say about two months visit dad and see if there're any changes in his attitude. But first and foremost, take care of yourself. NO MORE GUILT TRIPS!
Good luck and God Bless!
Call me disgruntled, but I’m sick of people who have made bad decision after bad decisions their whole lives and expect people to pick up the pieces in their old age when they no longer can…..
Create a mantra every time you have guilt, shame, anxiety arise. One of my personal favorites, “I can float through anything” or “I am responsible for me”
Youve done your part. He is safe and cared for in the nursing home. If he wasn’t there, he still wouldn’t be living out his retirement dreams due to lack of funds and physical health. Neither or which are or ever we’re your responsibility.
"I had to put my Dad in a long-term facility because he just can’t take care of himself anymore".
But what about this statement?
*The mixture of Dad's life choices, fate & plain old age put him where he is lives today*
You may need the help of a therapist to achieve this. Definitely seek one out because they can truly help you to understand that your father's problems and health issues are not your fault.
So what if your parents helped you out with a college education. That's what parents are SUPPOSED to do. You're an only child so mom and dad don't get points for giving one child some money for college. That's really kind of minimal.
Your father is getting the best care and living in the best facility he can afford. You have helped him time and time again out of all the messes you've stated here. Bad decisions made due to alcohol, hoarded bug-infested apartments, all of it.
Yes, you have a better life than he does.
Why is that?
Because you made better choices. You didn't give your life over to the drink as the way to cope with HIS abusive behavior. He did to cope with his mother's abuse. That's not your fault. You did not make that choice for him. He did.
There are many people in the world who have a better life than you do. None of them are feeling guilty or miserable over it.
Everyone has a right to live their own life. No one has to give their life over in servitude to become a nanny-slave to a needy, elderly parent. Especially if there is a history of abuse and dysfunction there. No one has to beat themselves up with guilt because they refuse to die a martyr on Caregiver Hill.
You aren't wrong, my friend. Your father chose his life and made his own life choices. It had nothing to do with you.
Parents sometimes have a knack for blaming the kids for why their lives suck. My mother was always good at this. I told her many times that she really didn't have much going on before she married and had kids, so it wasn't like she was really giving anything up for us. If she didn't marry and have kids she would likely have become enslaved to caregiving for her needy, elderly, dysfunctional mother.
Live your life and enjoy whatever you can for as long as you can. Stay in touch with your father but you set the terms of the relationship.