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Trees trimmed (the limbs are brittle and falling out of the sky), the fence needs repair, etc. He has an acre of land that needs pruning, trimming and clean up. He doesn't want me to hire anyone to do it. My husband and I have been doing it for 20 years and we are 61 now and worn out. I have POA for dad. Do I just go ahead and hire people to do this work over his objections? One tree limb has a crack so big you can see through it and it is hanging over the house. He ALWAYS tells me "I'll do it" and sometimes he tries. Last time he got on the roof he forgot where his ladder was and couldn't get down. Any recommendations?

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Invisible - if you have silver to be polished then that could be a sit down job for him - I remember when my grandfather was starting to have issues doing it with him - he died 1961 so that's a long time ago but still a memory for me - if you can do a multi-generational then all the better
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My father is 91 and still offers to help me maintain my home (rake, mow) even though he can barely walk and spends 95% of his time in a wheelchair. I think he wants to feel useful and he thinks he is still 65. I thank him for his offer and thank the Lord he is no longer living in a house or driving a car. Then I hire help and find some other way to help him feel useful.
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Sorry [how Canadian] - I didn't mean to say to trick your dad all the time but when theraputic fibs come out it can be best when they believe they were the instigators - however you need to do a test run - quite frankly a confused person is better off than a confused person who is injured & their roof has caved in -

We all need to respect our loved ones but we also need to protect them too - if they are already terribly confused now then where will they be when a tree crashes on the roof etc - better a little confusion than a tramatic confusion - these are the choices we need to do as caregivers & only you know what your loved one can tolerate

Then there is the issue of other person's safety - if your family knows about an issue like the tree & someone [family or otherwise] is injured because of negilance then all could be culpable - do you want to say goodby to the family property because the postman is permanently injured from that tree?
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MaryKathleen,
My alcoholic father, who drank everyday, did the same thing with me. I thought I was going nuts at a young age. My mother (a occasional binge drinker) would occasionally get in on the show by agreeing with dad, even though she wasn't even there! (They were divorced when I was 5.) It was ALWAYS done to down-play the alcohol and its problems.

Two against one for power. I guess it was supposed to take the focus off of the alcoholism and more on how I "didn't remember things correctly" or how I "made up" things. When I went into therapy as an adult, I was so happy to know I wasn't "loosing it". Mind control is not something a parent should do to a child.

Get the dead limb cut down for safety reasons, no matter how you have to do it. Have hubs take him out to breakfast and you stay home and meet the tree trimmers. It can't take too long. They should be done before they finish the bacon, eggs and pancakes. Maybe dad might not even notice.
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I was emotionally abused by my mother. She would tell me things then say she didn't say or do it. For years I thought I was crazy, it took me three years of intensive therapy to sort of get over it. Except for my 2 girls, and a very short list of friends, I still do not trust anything anyone says. I beg you not to make him think he is crazy by tricking him. It leaves lasting scars, I know.

If you live in a western state where fires are a real hazard, there is usually a code enforcement provision that you must do certain clearances. Check with your fire department about it. The limb over the house must go. I hope you can find something that he would approve of like Dad, I am scared to death for the baby, or the fire department says it is a fire hazard or whatever works. Maybe your local fire station or insurance adjuster would come by and talk to him. Get a licensed, insured, contractor to take the part of the tree down that needs to go. Or the entire tree if it is needed.
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when my dad got ALz, and I noticed their property was looking like the Beverly Hillbillies I just told mom I was calling in the help! And I did,, and we told dad I was paying for it! I warned the yard company he had ALZ, and he often went out to "supervise" them. They were good with him. and yes,, it was paid out of his money. He never noticed! You have to do what you have to do!
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I know the POA part is not part of this issue now, but whether you could as POA depends on how it was done. I was given complete financial and medical authority over my two friends effective immediately. They put everything in my hands so I could make any decisions I thought necessary. I was judicious in those decisions and moved slowly and carefully to eventually get them into a memory care apartment after the wife became incontinent and started to wander due to her frontal temporal dementia, while the husband's short term memory failure made his care and help for her impossible. As for the tree limb, get it done ASAP. If something happens to the house because of that limb, and you were neglectful in knowing of the danger but not addressing it, that might become an insurance issue in terms of paying for repairs. if someone were hurt, the issue is even greater.
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Yes, definitely hire it out and pay with your loved one's funds. It is imperative that it get done, else a disaster happens.
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I don't like the idea of tricking them because the confusion comes and goes and tricking them may add to the confusion. I recommend just telling dad, "I hired so&so to come trim the trees; I'll meet them here tomorrow." Or, actually, with my dad, I try not to tell him in advance because he just obsesses and builds up resistance. I'd call the morning of and say, "I'm coming over to work on the trees". Then when we get there, say so-and-so-company is going to help me.
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Safety first - as someone said 'better to ask for forgiveness after the fact than permission before' - get work done on his dime but let him think you are paying for it to be done - this will improve resale value when time comes

Can you do memory plants? - I tried it on mom by bringing something [like hand lotion] & gave it to her saying 'here, is this the right brand you asked for?' - then she looked at it but said 'yes, thanks' - but she never had asked for it - it was my way of testing her so I knew someone else could also do this to her & I couldn't trust her memory for anything

Do a memory plant on your dad - if he falls for it then say he asked you to arrange it - have a day planner & mark about 10 days before when he 'asked' as a reminder to you - show him & he may fall for it - but the work is done - also 75% is pre-paid so 'might as well finish' - ask 'do you want to watch from a chair on the lawn with some iced tea just so you can see that it is up to your standards?' [optional]

Buy a bicycle lock & put it on ladder then attach it to something permanent - tell him he asked you to do so because he was worried that it might get stolen - keep the key - this will keep him off it without you knowing & you can say 'oops, sorry I meant to give you the key but I brought it home. I'll bring it next time' - then 'lose' it
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So helpful to see these stories. My parents refuse all offers of help and their house is getting run down looking. Not dangerous but certainly unkempt. I like the “it’s a friend and it’s free” concept!
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Janny, I just recalled from one of your other postings that your daughter, her husband, two very young children but a new baby on the way will be living with Dad. Thus I change my former posting on page 1 to having that scary limb removed IMMEDIATELY from the tree hanging over the house. If that limb had fallen, rehousing 1 person is different than rehousing 6 people, plus the risk of a child getting hurt.
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I try to take care of things on the property when Grandma is out. She is always gone Sundays and Tuesdays so I schedule help on those days. She still has her sons convinced that at 90yrs old she cares for 3.5 acres all alone, and that I'm nowhere around, and the "laziest THING" she's ever met. So we tree trim, treat for beetles, weed, clean out the barns, mow and edge the acre of lawn, etc all on those two days of the week so she doesn't get upset. The couple of times I got caught weeding I got scolded profusely. Which she turns around and tells her sons that she had to hire someone to do all the yard work. They of course believe her. Thankfully I have photographic proof of everything we do, but it's a wrestling match every time. So my advice is take video and pictures of everything so that you can establish the safety and care making the things you're doing necessary. Document EVERYTHING. Pray you never need it, but be prepared if you do.
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After my stepdad died I went to live with my dementia mother. What a mess!!! My stepdad was a builder & created a gorgeous home on three acres next to a pond. He took care of my mom AND the house and yard... gorgeous property in its heyday. When I got there I quickly realized that st ages 73 (me) & 83 (my spouse) we just couldn’t do all that work any more. We evaluated the market for the hOuse and compared it to the cost of repairs and cleanup and projected returns. Properties were just not moving in that area of upstate NY. As my mother’s POA I determined (2 doctors) that she had to go into Alzheimer’s care, so I moved her to Texas where the rest of her family lives. We got our assesed value to sell the house “as is” in just three days! They paid cash and right at the time of terrible flooding near that location! We put the money into a living trust to help pay the bills for her care and some went into investments naming all their children as equal beneficiaries whenMom dies. Sometimes, the costs of repair and remodeling outweigh future returns on a sale. You have to use good sense. Ask yourselves how LONG will they be of right mind before their medical and mental needs strip their assets? What shape will YOU be in to make decisions then? Money in a failing house is wasted...compared to investing the principal and using only the profits. Putting the money in the bank is WORSE than that! It’s a tricky business handling our parents assets when they get Alzheimer’s or one dies who used to do everything for the other parent. Make a chart and compare costs, value, etc. include future old age care costs. Be conservative not sentimental if you can.
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I wouldn't have spent my own money to fix my fathers house. Because he spent all of his money on bradford exchange and charities of all kinds. Just giving all his money away. But if I would have asked him to pay for work on his house he would have said no. The reality of his house was too much for him to bear. Really bad situation.
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Diana put it succinctly--short and sweet.

YES!!!!!!! Just do it!

Funny story: I have been having work done on our "summer" house (in which we now live permanently) for about two years without ever telling my husband about it. I had the work done while we were in the other house. He has never noticed that the work was done!

So, there's that...
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Yes, just hire the job out and pay with dad’s funds because it’s his house.
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Yes Janey, please let us know how it turns out. I learned to no try and convince Dad or get his approval to get stuff done. He would never agree to the simplest things or would say I BEEN MEANING TO FIX THAT.........

It was the same getting him to eat. If you ask him if he wanted a plate of food NO IM FINE......You just hand him the plate and he would eat.

My dad usually caved in pretty quickly when workers showed up.  I would always call ahead, explain we had some dementia going on and tell the guys just to follow my lead.  They were always great. 

 Damnedest  thing how every tradesman was an old football buddy of mine and all mom’s aides and nurses were old girlfriends.  
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Have you tried the fire hazard angle? Next time you see a wildfire on the news, just point out that having all those fallen leaves around is dangerous.
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Thank you for your support! Great advice and I am going to take it. I don't know why I mentioned the POA because it really doesn't apply here. Dad created a Children's Trust a couple years ago and made me the executor. I use the money to pay his bills and for things for the house so I would use it to pay for any tree trimming/yard work. I just want someone to do the big massive leaf clean up and some of the trees are so high you need a bucket truck to get up to the branches. He has at 15 trees, two 40' blue maples! You can imagine the amount of leaves! Thanks again. I'll report back.
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My dad was also the I CAN FIX ANYTHING GUY, and he could until Dementia. At some point you cant be a slave to his dementia and bad judgement any longer.

And I also got tired of trying to keep up with a falling down house and 5 acres of brush and dead trees. I started hiring  people to just do the most basic stuff: No falling trees on the house, running water, heat and a/c. Etc.

I used to Fib, lie, cheat and trick my dad to get basic stuff done. THAT GUYS AN OLD BUDDY. CARPET CLEANING WAS FREE!  Or another method DONT WORRY DAD, YOUR INSURANCE WILL COVER IT!  

And you can also try and get him off the property to get the tree work done. Just do the minimum to keep the house safe.

My dad would catch on once in awhile, throw a hissy, but he’d forget by the next day.

Using your poa is a judgement call. I always used my parents money, not mine for their house stuff, and I’m inclined to tell you to do likewise, But if this could go nuclear on you..........Well, proceed with a good plan.
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As POA, unless your dad is incompetent, then no, that doesnt give you the right.
But as his daughter and the person who has to take care of him should there be an accident, roof damage, broken hip, etc., he leaves you little choice.
I sold my in laws home a couple of years after they passed. Part of getting the property ready to sell was a complete landscape overhaul. The difference was so dramatic. My husband has said many times how sorry he was that he didnt do that before his parents passed, that his dad would have loved the transformation.
Even if dad gets angry he will no doubt be relieved when it’s done.
Be sure to come back and let us know how it goes.
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Janny, that is a tough situation. My Dad was like that, he use to do all the maintenance around the house, rarely calling in anyone to help because he didn't want to part with one thin dime.

I use to help my Dad, but I was dealing with my own age related decline issues. Gone were the days of hauling 20 bags of mulch from the store, unload, and help put down the mulch for Dad. I kept telling Dad that for my own home I needed to hire someone as I just can't do it on my own any more.

As for using your Power of Attorney, please remember the POA is used only if the person is unable to make good decisions for himself. Just keep reminding Dad that that limb over the house looks dangerous. If he refuses to hire anyone, that is his decision, he is just being way too fugal.

Or you can just call in a professional on your own dime for your own piece of mind, and not expect Dad to reimburse you. If you can afford that, I probably would do it. Make sure you keep a copy of the invoice, copy of your check, just in case Dad changes his mind and wants to pay you.

I remember seeing my Dad cleaning the gutters on the first story area of the house, up a ladder being in his 90's. I just drove by. Dad was still clear minded.
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I'm sorry this is happening. It sounds like you've done a great job for your dad. I just went through something similar with my dad who always took pride in doing things himself. In my opinion, yes, find a service to do the needed work. It sounds like things may become a safety issue, so I don't think you're over-reacting. I worried about that with my dad, but I did research and found a service. I gave them very specific instructions about what to do, which trees to prune, how far to trim bushes, and told them what to leave alone. I scheduled a date and didn't tell my dad until a few hours before the service. I told dad that I couldn't do it myself this time, so I found a friend who has a service and is going to be arriving shortly to do it. I explained he didn't have to do one thing, just let my "friends" handle it all. I think he was so tired, he didn't argue. Afterward he said they did a great job and he wants to schedule them again in the Spring. I was relieved. It's difficult to step in like that though, but it seems like you are putting a lot of thought into it, so I am sure you will arrive at a great solution. All the best to you and your dear dad.
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