My elderly mother, 90 years old, refuses to move to assisted living. She has been living with me for three years. She's become belligerent. Any advice?

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My elderly mother, 90 years old, refuses to move to assisted living. She has been living with me for three years. She's become belligerent. Any advice?

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I am so sorry that you have reached this point with your mother. You absolutely must put your own needs first.

I wish we could somehow communicate with all those caring adult children who are thinking about moving an aging parent into their homes. I would warn them not to do it. If a parent cannot care for themselves and their own homes, they probably already need more care than a child can give them. If not, they will in a year or two.

Do not waste any more time with your sibs, they are already doing all they care to do.

You may try doing NOTHING for her for a week or so. Tell her that she really can do *whatever* herself--or of course, if she cannot do *whatever* the best way to get assistance is in *facility she liked*. You are really busy and can't help right now. If you put off all requests for at least half an hour, she may become more amenable to the idea of moving. This could work. It will certainly not improve your relationship, which looks pretty bad right now, anyway. It could also backfire and make her even more belligerent.

All those years of caring for her needs have built up an expectation in her that you will, of course, put her needs before your own. Turning this around will be hard on both of you. She has a pretty sweet deal right now and has no reason to want any change. You will need to create incentive for her to want some change.

Otherwise, you pretty much will need to wait until she needs a trip to the hospital. Then don't let her return to your house. Unless you can get your mother declared incompetent, there is no way you can really force your mother to move. She needs to choose to move.

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So, your mom has quite a bit of money to afford AL? Would she even qualify for the level of care they provide --- very limited. A person is expected to be able to manage of their own for the most part. Not much needed in the way of care. It's very possible that once you tell an AL facility what all you have to do for her, she may need another facility like NH to meet her needs. In majority of states, AL is for the wealthier people who can afford the very high monthly cost.

If she, indeed, has a lot of money to use toward her care then, by all means, use it towards her care now in your own home. Just start easing caregivers into the home with the story of they are there to help you because it is becoming too much PLUS you want a back up plan prepared in case you have any health problems. So that HER care is taken care of without coming up with a last minute plan.

Just be sure to document how her money is spent while living with you. In the event she runs out of money, you might have to use Medicaid to get her in a NH if she requires that level of care at some point. None of her money can be gifted or given to someone. Medicaid looks back 5 years to account for how she spent her money down to nothing.

Forget about asking siblings. Some people are caregivers. Some aren't. As they say, you can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear.

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My mother has been with us for over 20 years. I want my husband to retire in 2 years (70) from a physical job.
I've been hinting to her about a big change coming. I explained she is welcome to stay with us but living in this home & town is too expensive and hard on us.
I think she's hoping we'll change our minds. Nope!
Good luck with what you end up with. I totally understand 😘

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Perhaps a less expensive home in Florida that has a casita/apartment for mom?

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LauraMatthew: It is imperative that your mother amend her living situation, else there may be no you to provide care for her. Twelve years of looking after her needs is unfathomable. She doesn't get to decide that she will not move out; what happens when you drop over from exhaustion? Perhaps you can speak to your Council on Aging's social worker.

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When my mother and I bought and moved into our condo in 1991, we had an agreement to support its costs from her benefits and my job. Then, I lost my good job 10 years ago. That stress got to my mother who suffered from health conditions. After several falls at age 93, Kaiser would not send her back to OUR place alone because I had to go back to work. My out-of-state family helped us remotely and with some personal visits to get Mom into good assisted living but not without her fierce battle in CA, first. She was moved up to OR State to solve our problems, enabling me to obtain stable work just to keep the condo, which was transferred to me as sole owner after she passed away. I can live there and not lose it for the rest of my life unless I have to move to assisted living myself. Then it must be sold.

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You simply have to state you cannot continue to care for her in your home. You will help her move, likely visit but the time has come. You deserve a life free from at home caregiving. There are plenty of needs still to be met even when a family member is in a facility. I felt like a geriatric soccer mom when I first placed my mother in AL.

It sounds as though your mother would qualify for AL not skilled nursing at this point. It can be best to get her into AL. If they have a relationship with a SN facility that move is easier down the line should that time come. Believe me AL is much preferable to SN and often residents find fulfillment there.

We can't always do what our parents want or think they know what is best for them but you can choose to find her a desirable place and regain your life which YOU deserve and most likely badly need to happen. On top of all this is her present negative attitude with you even though you are housing her. If she continues to complain what difference is there other than you have peace at home.

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If you have POA I would move her into assisted living. Parents do not have the right nor should they hold their kids hostage. Save yourself. She will most likely adjust. You will have some guilt , as I do at times, but it will pass…Good Luck

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I had been trying for 3 years since my dad passed, to convince mom, 94 now, to move into AL. There is one close by and she had many friends there. We got on the waiting list finally and when an apartment opened up gave her the option to say no. She agreed and the move has been a 2 month process with me & my brother both living out of town but we managed to get it done. She’s been there nearly a month and is hateful and angry towards me. I get a completely different version of her than anyone else and I see personality disorder playing out more than ever. I am trying to stay away from running over to help her every time she calls and I tell her to push the call button for help but she tells me the CNA’s make her uncomfortable and she won’t do it. It is challenging because I want to get her comfortable before I leave to go back to my home in FL (she is in WI) in just under 2 weeks, but I simply cannot continue to be abused by her. She is safe, at least I think she is-I do have concerns about the level of care at this and all AL’s, which is a whole different topic. I do know she is safer than being alone in her home. Even tho we did give her the option, she continues to insist that we forced this on her so we wouldn’t have to visit her, and on & on. I pray for everyone that has to go through this and that I don’t live to go through it myself, but I believe we did the right thing, and a good thing because she would have ended up in a nursing home had something happened that made care critical. I can try to return to my life and move on, but it is definitely taking a toll on my physical and mental health. Stay strong and save yourself first!

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You did the right thing. You will continue to doubt and second guess yourself about your decision. Hard decisions are like that.

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We got a psychologist involved to help. You need a third party to come in and talk to them. He asked my father-in-law a series of questions. The answer was always my daughter does that. One of the last questions was your daughter can no longer provide care for you what are you going to do. There was no answer. He was then convinced he needed to move out. Can’t say it will work for anyone. It’s just what worked for us.

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Why does she have to agree? If you're waiting for her to change her mind, it's never going to happen. Assuming you have POA and you can access her resources, you pick a place nearby, ideally with assisted living and memory care options. You give them a down payment, you furnish her room with some familiar items. You tell her she's going to a doctor appointment, get her in the car, then after the appointment, take her to the facility. Tell her there's a deal, a free meal! As soon as she's distracted, you head straight out the door. She will then be in a legal gray-area. Unless you have guardianship, she is legally allowed to call a cab or walk out any time. But if she has some level of confusion or memory problems, she probably won't be able to put all the steps together to actually leave the building. Staff have experience with this and they will distract her, promise to call you, etc. Twelve years is long enough. You've earned the right to move on with your life.

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My elderly mother, 90 years old, refuses to move to assisted living. She has been living with me for three years. She's become belligerent. Any advice?

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