My elderly mother, 90 years old, refuses to move to assisted living. She has been living with me for three years. She's become belligerent. Any advice?

Why does she have to agree? If you're waiting for her to change her mind, it's never going to happen. Assuming you have POA and you can access her resources, you pick a place nearby, ideally with assisted living and memory care options. You give them a down payment, you furnish her room with some familiar items. You tell her she's going to a doctor appointment, get her in the car, then after the appointment, take her to the facility. Tell her there's a deal, a free meal! As soon as she's distracted, you head straight out the door. She will then be in a legal gray-area. Unless you have guardianship, she is legally allowed to call a cab or walk out any time. But if she has some level of confusion or memory problems, she probably won't be able to put all the steps together to actually leave the building. Staff have experience with this and they will distract her, promise to call you, etc. Twelve years is long enough. You've earned the right to move on with your life.

We got a psychologist involved to help. You need a third party to come in and talk to them. He asked my father-in-law a series of questions. The answer was always my daughter does that. One of the last questions was your daughter can no longer provide care for you what are you going to do. There was no answer. He was then convinced he needed to move out. Can’t say it will work for anyone. It’s just what worked for us.

I had been trying for 3 years since my dad passed, to convince mom, 94 now, to move into AL. There is one close by and she had many friends there. We got on the waiting list finally and when an apartment opened up gave her the option to say no. She agreed and the move has been a 2 month process with me & my brother both living out of town but we managed to get it done. She’s been there nearly a month and is hateful and angry towards me. I get a completely different version of her than anyone else and I see personality disorder playing out more than ever. I am trying to stay away from running over to help her every time she calls and I tell her to push the call button for help but she tells me the CNA’s make her uncomfortable and she won’t do it. It is challenging because I want to get her comfortable before I leave to go back to my home in FL (she is in WI) in just under 2 weeks, but I simply cannot continue to be abused by her. She is safe, at least I think she is-I do have concerns about the level of care at this and all AL’s, which is a whole different topic. I do know she is safer than being alone in her home. Even tho we did give her the option, she continues to insist that we forced this on her so we wouldn’t have to visit her, and on & on. I pray for everyone that has to go through this and that I don’t live to go through it myself, but I believe we did the right thing, and a good thing because she would have ended up in a nursing home had something happened that made care critical. I can try to return to my life and move on, but it is definitely taking a toll on my physical and mental health. Stay strong and save yourself first!

If you have POA I would move her into assisted living. Parents do not have the right nor should they hold their kids hostage. Save yourself. She will most likely adjust. You will have some guilt , as I do at times, but it will pass…Good Luck

You simply have to state you cannot continue to care for her in your home. You will help her move, likely visit but the time has come. You deserve a life free from at home caregiving. There are plenty of needs still to be met even when a family member is in a facility. I felt like a geriatric soccer mom when I first placed my mother in AL.

It sounds as though your mother would qualify for AL not skilled nursing at this point. It can be best to get her into AL. If they have a relationship with a SN facility that move is easier down the line should that time come. Believe me AL is much preferable to SN and often residents find fulfillment there.

We can't always do what our parents want or think they know what is best for them but you can choose to find her a desirable place and regain your life which YOU deserve and most likely badly need to happen. On top of all this is her present negative attitude with you even though you are housing her. If she continues to complain what difference is there other than you have peace at home.

When my mother and I bought and moved into our condo in 1991, we had an agreement to support its costs from her benefits and my job. Then, I lost my good job 10 years ago. That stress got to my mother who suffered from health conditions. After several falls at age 93, Kaiser would not send her back to OUR place alone because I had to go back to work. My out-of-state family helped us remotely and with some personal visits to get Mom into good assisted living but not without her fierce battle in CA, first. She was moved up to OR State to solve our problems, enabling me to obtain stable work just to keep the condo, which was transferred to me as sole owner after she passed away. I can live there and not lose it for the rest of my life unless I have to move to assisted living myself. Then it must be sold.

LauraMatthew: It is imperative that your mother amend her living situation, else there may be no you to provide care for her. Twelve years of looking after her needs is unfathomable. She doesn't get to decide that she will not move out; what happens when you drop over from exhaustion? Perhaps you can speak to your Council on Aging's social worker.

My mother has been with us for over 20 years. I want my husband to retire in 2 years (70) from a physical job.
I've been hinting to her about a big change coming. I explained she is welcome to stay with us but living in this home & town is too expensive and hard on us.
I think she's hoping we'll change our minds. Nope!
Good luck with what you end up with. I totally understand 😘

So, your mom has quite a bit of money to afford AL? Would she even qualify for the level of care they provide --- very limited. A person is expected to be able to manage of their own for the most part. Not much needed in the way of care. It's very possible that once you tell an AL facility what all you have to do for her, she may need another facility like NH to meet her needs. In majority of states, AL is for the wealthier people who can afford the very high monthly cost.

If she, indeed, has a lot of money to use toward her care then, by all means, use it towards her care now in your own home. Just start easing caregivers into the home with the story of they are there to help you because it is becoming too much PLUS you want a back up plan prepared in case you have any health problems. So that HER care is taken care of without coming up with a last minute plan.

Just be sure to document how her money is spent while living with you. In the event she runs out of money, you might have to use Medicaid to get her in a NH if she requires that level of care at some point. None of her money can be gifted or given to someone. Medicaid looks back 5 years to account for how she spent her money down to nothing.

Forget about asking siblings. Some people are caregivers. Some aren't. As they say, you can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear.

I am so sorry that you have reached this point with your mother. You absolutely must put your own needs first.

I wish we could somehow communicate with all those caring adult children who are thinking about moving an aging parent into their homes. I would warn them not to do it. If a parent cannot care for themselves and their own homes, they probably already need more care than a child can give them. If not, they will in a year or two.

Do not waste any more time with your sibs, they are already doing all they care to do.

You may try doing NOTHING for her for a week or so. Tell her that she really can do *whatever* herself--or of course, if she cannot do *whatever* the best way to get assistance is in *facility she liked*. You are really busy and can't help right now. If you put off all requests for at least half an hour, she may become more amenable to the idea of moving. This could work. It will certainly not improve your relationship, which looks pretty bad right now, anyway. It could also backfire and make her even more belligerent.

All those years of caring for her needs have built up an expectation in her that you will, of course, put her needs before your own. Turning this around will be hard on both of you. She has a pretty sweet deal right now and has no reason to want any change. You will need to create incentive for her to want some change.

Otherwise, you pretty much will need to wait until she needs a trip to the hospital. Then don't let her return to your house. Unless you can get your mother declared incompetent, there is no way you can really force your mother to move. She needs to choose to move.

When the time came that my 95-year-old dad needed to go to memory care, we told him he was going for in-residence physical therapy. He never would have left his house if we told him he was moving. He was ok with that. His memory is poor enough that he doesn't realize how long it's been.

Get connected with a local social worker to discuss your mother and your options. Much will depend on her finances. If caregiving for your mother has become too much for you and your husband to do, you need to find a solution that works for you and your family as well as for your mother. There are programs that pay for family caregivers. Are you eligible for these payments? Your mother's doctor may have to fill out some forms for that and for other in-home care if your mother is on Medicare. Is your mother eligible for in-home caregivers through Medicare/Medicaid? Take any assistance you can get while you work things out. Would you be able to take a vacation if you had caregivers coming in to care for your mother? Use the time when in-home caregivers are there to take breaks and see if this can be a sustainable solution. If you have people coming to your home, lock up the valuables and personal papers, especially financial papers. You don't mention your mother's mental capabilities. Hopefully your mother has all of her paperwork in order, and if not hopefully she is still able to sign legal papers. She needs to set up powers of attorney for medical and financial matters. I'm assuming you will be her POA, perhaps with your siblings as second and third levels of POA. Your mother also should have a living will with her advance medical directives and a will, if she has assets. You also need to be on file with Medicare and Social Security to be able to speak on her behalf, if necessary. This is not just for her, but you can explain that it's something all responsible adults should do, in case they become unable to care for themselves. You may need an attorney to assist, but the social worker may also be able to give you resources for this. If your mother is showing signs of dementia (and beligerance can be a sign), you will need her doctor to help activate the POAs. At some point you will need to have a discussion with your mother to let her know that her care is becoming to much for you and your husband. Her two basic options are in-home caregivers (if you agree to having them in your home) or moving to assisted living/memory care. Would senior independent living with hired caregivers also be an option? Moves are difficult for seniors, and this will be a difficult transition if your mother is resisting, but you also are entitled to have a life. The advantage of assisted living/memory care/skilled nursing is that they have professional staff who know how to care for seniors with all different levels of capabilty. There will be people there her own age, and they organize appropriate activities. All the best to you and your family.

Good Afternoon.

There comes a time where one person's efforts become unattainable for the level of need.

Sounds like it is time for a change. Of course, you hold mother's hand and tell them all of their needs will be met and that you know where they are and overseeing everything.

Just make sure she feels rest assured unless you think perhaps it's time to "bring in palliative and/or hospice care" into the home? You would have to ask your mother's primary care doc.

Every family story is similar but you can do a lot over the phone and make a plan.
The people on this forum are very helpful. You don't have to do this alone.

God be with you...I will pray for you. I know it's hard, you love your mother but you don't want to go down the ship. You want to still be standing when everything is said and done. It may never come to agreement that your plan coincides with mother's.

There is a way to navigate this.

Before I dive in though, please know, you are not alone. Thousands of family caregivers are in this boat with you. You are welcome to join us for support over on FB: AARP Family Caregiver Discussion Group (even if you aren't a member of AARP, though I highly recommend that too).

I can only share my own hard earned advice after caring for my own parents who decided (for me, yet without my input), that they wanted to age-in-place. Read that last again... ring a bell?

Okay, so let me get to it.

There is nothing wrong with calmly telling your LO:

1. Outdated gender roles assume adult female children will not be working and therefore will be free to provide constant care.

Most of us have to work to keep a roof over our own heads during and after their life span so that is no longer a feasible option UNLESS the aging party brings a financial surplus to the table to support that choice. Most don't.

2. Aging-in-place care plans assume those adult children will have the health to carry out that monumental ask.

No one has a crystal ball, so there could be no way of knowing how your own aging process and mental health would factor into the situation. Your life and health matter, even if they are too consumed with their own needs to acknowledge your reality.

3. There have been many improvements to, and expansion of senior living options in the last several decades.

They (nor you) need to be afraid.

4. It takes several people to care for a senior in a balanced manner: dietician, nurse, activities director, caregiver, cook, accountant, supply management, driver... to name a few.

Trying to do 8 jobs well, and believe you can balance your own life and health would be an unreasonable expectation for anyone... nevermind for a long period of time.

An ounce of preparation is key to preserving the relationship and minimizing the emotional toll on all parties. To accomplish this, have a Durable POA in place (giving financial and health proxy to a trusted 3rd party). If your LO will not agree to that, advise them that you will seek a neutral state guardian to manage their care so you can rest knowing their needs are met, even if not by you. That will usually turn them around (better the devil they know than the devil they don't). Note: they and you will lose ALL control over their care and choices, so proceed with that as a last and final resort.

Next, tour facilities as close to your home as you can find (and afford), at your earliest opportunity. Make note of which ones YOU would want to live in and tell them that! "This is where I will go when or if the time comes!" Be specific and share what you love about the place. Best if they seem to like it too (and the residents appear settled and content).

When the time comes (usually a crisis event), this will provide what you and your LO need... to have some sense of control over where they will live out the remainder of their days and that they will be safe (a basic human need) and cared for. Communicate to your loved one that you are looking local so you can visit - without carrying the care responsibilities alone.

The matters of managing the complexity/ies of their health (and the toll that takes on you) as well as affording care are whole other beasts so I intentially didn' tackle those here (or this post would be an even bigger book ;).

Sending love and light to all of you who are paddling down these category 4 rapids, in this particular boat. Though it feels like it at the time, the golden years don't last forever. 🙏

A Geriatric Psychiatrist can educate, evaluate and medicate. If Adult Protective Services is notified that your mother has no home available and no care, they can force the issue: use your phone or baby cam to document her belligerence.

Consult with Elder Law Attorney to figure out what documents you need to help your mom to a safer place where she can reside as an independent woman with the level of assistance she requires. Hopefully, half way between you and your siblings (45 min away) so that you can all visit her regularly.

I checked the internet and other resources and as far as I can tell, there is no cream form of Ativan. I don't know what the caregivers were applying to the patient in the Nursing home--but it wasn't Ativan.

Become medical POA...

It is hard when they dont think that they need assisted living. You need to talk to her doctor and let him know that its time for her to go. He may say that if she doesnt want to go, she dont have to but, just tell him that you are at a burnt out and your two other siblings dont help out. You need to think about you, cause if you burn out no one will help her. I have a sister inlaw who is a nurse and she has POA and thinks she is all that. She doesnt help to care for her parents and leaves it up to her brother and me. She didnt even tell us that they had alzheimers or diemensia. I cared for them when they had their cancer scare in 1994 til 1996, she was living at home and didnt do anything. I cooked cleaned and other things all she did was eat and went out. I thought ok than, whatevers. Later when in laws got worst in 2016 with the alzheimers and diemensia which I had to tell her to take them to the doctors on it. She didnt even tell us they had it until things got worst. I got mad but til today she still dont care. Dad passed in Jan 2021 and mom is still here and I told mom something should be done cause I am on dialysis and I can give you the care you need. I was on dialysis since 2001 and going to dialysis and doing all. Well, mom decided to live with her daughter and now life here with me and my husband is nice.

If you have her POA and she physically and mentally cannot manage without caregivers (in this case you), then you can have her forcibly moved into assisted living.
Find whatever facility she's going to and tell them she will be a hostile transfer. They will know what you mean and will help you.
If you don't have authority to make her decisions, you will have to serve her with eviction to vacate your home.
She has to go. Your burnout is terrible and I know how it is. I was an in-home caregiver for almost 25 years and have had the yoke of caregiving slavery on me with my mother for a very long time.
I'm leaving because I can't cope anymore with her and I cannot work in hands-on client care anymore either.
Tell your mother she is moving out. If she wants to get nasty and belligerent with you call an ambulance and have her sent to the ER. Then refuse to have her back. Tell them that you are unable to provide caregiving to her. They will send a social worker to talk with you.
Tell them you want her placed. If you've found a place, they will get her there.
If you haven't, they will keep her admitted until they find one.
Good luck. It will be okay.

When an elder is belligerent, it is usually part of dementia. In Colorado, in order for a patient to be admitted to assisted-living or memory care, the person must have a doctor’s order to give to the facility. I know both of my parents thought their doctors were God and everything they said was the truth. If your mother feels the same way, I would ask her physician to recommend to your mother directly that she move to a facility. This may be the only thing that will physically get her up and out of your house and into a facility. Once there, she may find that she really likes it. It depends on whether she is outgoing or not. Even so, I would strongly urge you to move your mother to a facility so that you can have your life back. You deserve a life too.

It occurs to me that the issue isn't getting your mother to move out (like an 18-year-old camping in your basement), but rather a burnout issue - put another way, it's a balance issue - easy to solve.

I manage a boutique home healthcare agency in Boca Raton, FL, and see situations like this all the time. The adult child "feels like" mommy can't be alone, and mommy dearest is destroying her life - so like her 18-year-old no-good, burnout son tough love is required. WRONG ANSWER!

The place to start looking from and thinking about first is, "What do "I" (the adult child) need to restore MY peace, happiness, independence, and whatever else is missing from MY life (and lifestyle)? Make a list: get your nails done, time with friends, time for hobbies, a full night's sleep, a good shag? Write it down and keep the list handy so you can add to it!

Next, declare your independence and pull out your calendar. Schedule your month! Pretend mommy dearest is stuck in her room ALF eating lasagna and pinto beans for dinner (they do that) and you're alone. Bowling? Mahjong? Bridge? Cabo? Museums? Whatever.... just plan it and get ready to go!

Next, find a great home healthcare agency. One that will take time to listen to what you and your mother need, and match a caregiver to your mom and her needs. Sounds to me like what's needed is a certified HHA who is also a great companion.

My definition of a great companion is one who is willing to provide whatever is "needed and wanted" at the moment and is a great communicator. Bonus points if they are able to anticipate the client's needs, are always two steps ahead, and know when to lead from behind - giving the client as much independence as possible.

On the Caregiver's first day, you should make sure there are at least two choices for lunch that your mom likes in the fridge, and about an hour before lunch, start to get a little more dressed up (like you're going on a business appointment) than usual. 5 minutes before mom's usual lunchtime, the doorbell should ring. You greet your caregiver like she's an old friend. In less than 90 seconds, introduce her to your mother, explain to mom that "Angie" is going to make your lunch then ask you some questions about what it was like growing up in (city). Tell mom you love her and you will be back at 4 pm then grab your purse and leave - quickly and happily! You can leave mommy dearest bewildered or confused, don't leave her mad! (Practice in the mirror the night before if you need to!)

Here is what is going to happen in the next four hours:
1) Your mom will have her lunch.
2) Your mom will have a new best friend.
3) Your mom won't be dead when you get back.
4) Your mom will want to know when Angie is coming back!

Happy Independence Day to you!!!

This works like a charm every time. As long as Angie is a good communicator, lets mom CHOOSE what she wants for lunch and she sits at the table (or near) where mom eats and asks mom simple, non-invasive questions (where did you grow up? What was your career like? How many kids, grandchildren? etc.) Angie will get your mom to open up like a book!

If you are a Caregiver, here are a few things that are really important to know:
1) Loneliness is the most common sickens seniors encounter.
2) They want to preserve their independence more than you do. (A $20 tray that fits on their walker so they can carry a snack or soda will change their life!)
3) They are going to fall down - and 99% of the time they will be fine! Think of it as teaching a child to ride a bike. If they are afraid to fall, they will be afraid to try. If they know falling is "ok" they won't be afraid or embarrassed.
4) Allow them to make as many choices - even small choices like what color Depends to wear today will give them a sense of independence and inclusion. They should ALWAYS have a meal choice - especially for lunch. Ask their advice and opinions, discuss their TV shows and talk to them, not at them!

Let me know how it goes! ~ BRAD

Is your Mother angry at you or her situation, sometimes we don’t like the hand we are dealt.
You’re going to have to give her a nudge to save you both, burn out is no joke.

Use this experience to set up your own situation so you don’t put your kids in the same predicament.

Things only get worse if we let them continue past what we can manage. You could risk your own health.

What you do is when she needs help or wants something...don't do it. Tell her since she tells you over and over she doesn't need help, then she can do it on her own.

You may need to explain that you too are a Senior and as such you no longer have the energy or the stamina you had at 30. That what you do for her is getting too much for you. If you still work, it would be after a 10 hour day, you just can't take care of her needs too. Or, "Sorry Mom, this arrangement is just not working. I can no longer care for you its becoming too much for me. You need to go to an AL where there are more people to help you."

Yes she will be mad. But she will come around because...she needs you more than you need her at this point. You will probably be the only one to visit. The only one that can bring her what she needs.

It’s awful but it’s time to stem burnout. Either the other siblings help or she goes to AL. Maybe even IF they help, she goes to AL. Does she expect it all from you? Don’t fall for it. (other siblings male? I ask because that’s what I was stuck with as an only daughter.)
Decide what you can/ will do, let siblings know & proceed as you need to. <Your life must come first now: that doesn’t mean Mom is left to her own devices; it means you get to have a life & give some help to Mom too - all 3 of you! Assisted Living sounds like one right move: get sibs off their duffs too! Good luck. If they don’t, then start spending some of Mom’s money on care.

i did all I could do to keep my husband at home as long as possible. Eventually it became unsafe for him and an unhealthy drain on me even with near round the clock aides. I searched assisted living/memory care residences, made my choice, and started the admission process. I had planned to tell him that he needed to be there for heightened therapy. However, he was put in the hospital for pneumonia and sent to rehab. I moved him directly from rehab to the AL/MC residence. He thought it was continuation of rehab. After one month, he is safer, healthier thanks to the programs and socialization, good meals, and 24/7 aides and nurses. I am healthier and able to visit each evening. It is heartbreaking but I should have done it sooner. We are fortunate to have long-term health insurance. Wishing you and all others in this situation much love, care, and luck.

Does your mom have the capacity to listen to her primary care dr? That made going to AL easier for my mom because the “dr says i need it” because my opinion couldn’t matter to her

when my husband's mom was in dementia care, they had a cream form of Ativan they would rub on her forearms to calm her down...I wonder if this is available to folks like us who take care of the elderly? We too are considering having Mom move in with us and she's getting demanding even before moving in!

Hi Laura, I had the exact same situation except I live alone. We also happily visited places, but when it came time to choose, my mother flat out refused. What worked for me was going into “crisis mode”. We had a terrible argument and my mother was so defiant she agreed to move to get away from me. Within 2 days we were at the facility signing papers. It wasn’t ideal emotionally, but unfortunately you may have to use that heightened anger and frustration to your advantage. Make sure you have all your details and plans in place so when the “moment” happens, you’re ready to move with little hesitation. The guilt will be overwhelming, but your mental health and well-being is equally important. Wishing you grace and blessings.

I am going through similar circumstances except my Mom still lives in her own home. She's 90 and having memory issues, hearing is minimal (she's refuses to wear hearing aids), and refuses to look at even independant living options. My husband and I moved from Virginia to Florida to remain close to get in case she needed help. We never thought it would be this hard! I have her health POA and my brother has her financial POA. We tried to have her tested by a Neurologist but she was so shocked and angry that she refused any further testing. How do you find a social worker? I need to talk with someone to see what options I have short of waiting for a disaster.

I told my mom age 90 I was taking her to respite care while I went on vaca. She begrudgingly accepted that. She had been awful and at one point screaming for an hour she wanted to live any place but in my house and help I was beating her someone call the police. She got her wish. She was properly evaluated and is now on a anti anxiety drug and a much calmer person. She has memory loose and is sometimes confused. She is not happy. Basically she wants to be 80, with my dad and their friends a live and active.