My father has gone from a care home to a nursing home where he will spend the rest of his days. How should I deal with feeling guilty?

You say he's happy so there is nothing to feel guilty about. You miss him and you miss the job of caring for him. That's not guilt. It's grief. I suggest that when you are not checking up on him, which is important for you and him, you try to find other activities that will satisfy your desire to help others or that will at least be of interest to you. I'm not sure anything will ever become as meaningful as caring for my mom in her final years, but I continue to try. The most helpful things for me have been to make art, be with other people, and to garden. Those are the things I neglected a little bit while caring for my mom. Take care of yourself.

You are the caregiver of your mental health, you have nothing to feel guilty about.

Unfortunately, it is the buzz word of the 21st century, used without understanding its true meaning. You did nothing but support and do the best things for your father, you should feel proud, there is no room for guilt. It is counterproductive and will keep you stuck within a prison with invisible bars, all self-created.

Visit him and be happy that he is safe and well cared for.

Guilt is out of the question. Unthinkable. Guilt requires evil intentions. Guilt requires causation. Guilt requires that you could fix or change something and refused to do so out of evil intention. That hardly describes YOU, does it? Guilt is for felons. It is a kind of hubris to expect you yourself to have god like power and endurance and an ability to fix things. You didn't cause it and you can't fix it and you are doing things to the best of your capability. Your admiration of your father makes me believe that he must have already long ago told you he doesn't want your body heaped still living upon his funeral pyre.

I, like you, was lucky in having wonderful people for parents. And a wonderful brother. And I thank goodness my brother had wonderful care his last year and one half. Every time I read extended care disasters here I thank all the powers that be for Pacific Senior Living in Palm Springs. I never SAW such dedication and love in a staff that was expected to have not just a job, but a vocation, and who did have just that.

I think you and I were lucky in finding great care. I think it is rare as hen's teeth. I think we are rare in having stellar parents and loved ones who were our heroes. You sound like me..................thankful. Quite simply THANKFUL.
My best out to you.

Sammy, I’m glad you successfully found a place you feel good about for your beloved father. You’re doing exactly what you should be doing, acting as his advocate and still a caregiver in his waning days. No parent could ask for more. During my mother’s nursing home time, we had numerous staff members tell us they’d never do any other type of work as they considered it their life’s calling. We remain grateful for their compassion and commitment. Please don’t waste precious time on the useless emotion of guilt, spend it instead holding dad’s hand, reassuring him of your love and care. I wish you both peace

My Father has been a constant source of support throughout my life too. I have met many others describe someone as their rock. A term of respect & solidness.

Yet I don't feel it's right for me to use. To me, rocks can also appear unchanging & unmoving. While us humans change & move location through our lives. Actually.. maybe rocks DO sometimes move. Get moved by the forces of nature.

I am now picturing this steady, noble rock.. Rolling slowly down a hillside. Coming to rest near a beautiful stream for it's next stage.

The more families are present, the better attention a care home tends to provide. So do go visit him as frequently as feasible. If he smells, your demand for a shower right now will be preferable to ombudsman involvement. Theres way more incentive in preferring someone whose family is always around.

The emotion for this is more like gratitude. Your being involved as a regular presence means your loved one will be first of the line ahead of childless people or those whose heirs don’t want to hear about them until they die.

Please try not to feel guilty. You will soon realize that you made the right decision. We all go through that phase questioning our choices for our loved ones.
Unfortunately, we cannot decide how end of life years work out. There is a huge need for assisted living because we are not qualified nurses or aides.
Visit often and become your dad's advocate.

Thank you for this deeply meaningful post. Being a father of 4 and having lost my first wife to brain cancer a few years ago, I can't help but reflect on your devotion in light of my personal situation. I love all of my kids and grandkids dearly. But since my first wife passed away (I was her personal caretaker for 15 years), 3 of my kids have all but rejected me. I don't blame them; they dearly miss their mother and were shocked by my remarriage. I always hoped that when my time comes, my kids would take care of me and think about me as you do your father. But I just don't think that will happen. I can hope, however. And I will continue to try to mend things. Your thoughts have given me much to ponder.

I totally understand your emotions of guilt. I have moved my mom out of her independent home of 40 years into an independent apartment right by me. I moved her away from everything she knew. She is slowly adjusting but angry at me for moving her. Her dementia is far enough along where I needed her to be closer to me. My observation is that my guilt is just a cover up of my deep sadness about this horrible illness’s effects on my family. You sound like a wonderful person who cares deeply for their father. Please visit him as often as possible.
judy

I am facing a similar situation. Although my 95 YO father is not in care yet (we are in painful application process), I’m already feeling guilty about even thinking about placing him. But I also know and believe that this will be the best for him. We cannot give him the time and care he needs while we try to maintain our lives and jobs. I appreciate someone’s comments above that you are not feeling guilt but rather grief. This makes much more sense of the emotions we are dealing with. I hope and pray that my dad accepts the move and feels cared for in the same manner that I care for him. So much worry and anxiety ahead for me. But I hope you can rid yourself of the guilt and understand that you have been an amazing and caring child to him.

Samantha, as the oldest of 5 children (with parents who could not cope well), I, too, had far too much responsibility from a very young age. Like you, I was robbed of a childhood. That being said, you and I have a greater challenge in building a life that is "other" than focusing on meeting the needs of folks. But, it's so imperative that we do so. You are given a life to live, and to remain stuck in guilt or a feeling of selfishness when considering oneself: Truly isn't a badge of Honor. I found that some much needed therapy at around age 50 yrs., helped me see that I was going to need to work hard to get self-definition, to actually reflect upon my goals for myself, to acknowledge that I was failing myself with isolation or saying "no" to activities. You, too, sound like an ideal candidate for some liberating therapy that would yield Self Definition. And, if you (like I) simply cannot resist that strong impulse to help others: Become an Advocate for a child in the Protective Services system, get yourself on the Board of a terrific Animal Shelter, tutor some struggling 2nd Grade readers in a nearby elementary school, work at a Women's Shelter, etc. You will be around people and make new friends. To say "stuck" in our old Adult Child role can become rather self-pitying. I know, because I have been there.

My daddy has been gone for five years now. I still feel guilty that I had to put him in a facility. I call it PTSD! I wake up at night wondering if I had done the right thing. Then I go back and think if I had not then what... my daddy would give out his information on the phone, invite people in the house when I wasn't there, sign forms and not knowing what he signed. So did I do the right thing... yes I do feel I did. I could not care for him, I couldn't be there 24/7 I had to work. When he was moved to the facility - I visited him daily, I talked to him when he was afraid or looking for me - the facility would call in the middle of the night saying he was wondering... I would talk him back to bed - I didn't mind. He was safe. Would I do it again if I went back in time - YES!
When my daddy got to the point where he did not get out of the bed I knew he was not to be here much longer - I took time off work, had him transferred home and for five days my siblings, friends, me and grands took care of him until he took his last breath. Yes I still wonder, I still have PTSD from it.
How do you handle this feeling of guilt - just know that daddy is safe and in good hands, you are safe and sane. Talk and visit as often as you can Facetime is great.
Know that I have said a prayer for you to relieve this guilt.
Hugs

My sisters and I were caring for both our parents who were 95 with multiple health issues. We had hired aides..

When the fire department was called on three consecutive days to get my dad out of bed in the morning because the aide was unable to do it, I knew it was time. My father's needs increased and we were no longer able to care for him at home.

I felt sad that he got so old that this is what we needed to do but no I did not feel guilty. He is getting better care than he would have received at home. He will be 96 next month.

We have not abandoned him. I love my dad. I go back every other month for one month stays and visit every day. I want him to know he is very important to me.

It is okay to feel sad but don't feel guilty.

I am a little old lady and tho i know some facilities are not as good as others i will prefer being someplace with help and assistance. … even sometimes perhaps not until i dont show up for meals … when necessary not having to be someplace where i never see anyone.

"and he is happy."

REMEMBER THIS. It is the most important quality of his life.

If you've felt guilt / guilty your entire life, consider your response 'now' is totally normal and expected. This doesn't make it easier for you to cope / deal with the situation necessarily although it might give you a glimmer of self-compassion / self-support looking at the bigger picture.

* Give yourself space emotionally and psychologically to process / feel through this huge change. One way I might do it would be to have a 'counter response' ready (in my head or on paper if you prefer to write out feelings) would be something like:

- I feel so guilty that dad is in a nursing home.
Counter thought: He will be well taken care of - much more attention with staff, managers and administrator than I could do alone. I will visit as much as I can. I will see about getting regular visitors (other family members and/or volunteers).

- I feel just awful about about his living situation.
Counter thought: He was not safe living alone. He is MUCH more - if not 100% more safer now - and he feels happy. I did good for years loving him and that won't stop. I did the right thing even though it feels sad to me.

- I wish I felt better about this transition, moving dad into a nursing home.
Counter thought: Yes, I do wish the situation was different and transitions are natural / normal as a person ages and needs more care. I did everything I could and give myself credit for caring / loving him when he was at home ... and I will continue to ensure he is getting the best care possible.

- Will my feelings of guilt ever change?
Counter thought: Therapy would be a good resource for me now. I'll check into that as I want to release this guilt and INTERNALIZE all the GOOD I did for my dad over my lifetime. I want to be as healthy as possible for myself, and for him - to be the 'best me' when with him.

Learn to interrupt repetitive negative thought patterns: When you feel guilty, counter that will thinking of the good times with your dad ... think of pleasant experiences with him. Shift out / change your mind set as soon as you can as the guilt / negative feelings won't serve you or your dad at all. You can train your mind to 'snap out of it' with intention.

What I did for my friend-companion: I bought him his favorite foods for dinner (or lunch) which he preferred to the meals served there. When you visit (or others), if food is a pleasant experience for him, let him eat whatever he wants. My "Jerry" was losing weight so I bought pizza, desserts, pastrami sandwiches (which he ate with no teeth) ... everything he liked.

Let me know if these ideas might support you in 'reframing' the situation and how you feel. It might be considered COGNITIVE THERAPY ... I am not sure and that doesn't really matter although that model of healing / processing feelings is a viable / helpful one.

Always reflect to yourself: The huge GIFT to you that your dad feels HAPPY.
A lot of how he feels now ("happy") is due to how you've loved and cared for him over the decades. You did good. Real good. Give yourself credit and counter the 'guilt' when it creeps ... with awareness and intention, you can do this.

Here's a hug, Gena / Touch Matters

Please don't be so hard on yourself. You have been and still are a loving and caring daughter. Your Dad is safe and content. I had to move my Dad into an assisted living facility (with the help of my husband) last year. We tried to have home aids come in, meals on wheels delivered to help after he had to stop driving so he could stay at home. (We lived 1700 miles away.) While we were visiting, he fell and we could not get him up. That was what drove the decision along with the fact that he was no longer able to keep up with little things around the house or proper nutrition other than the wheels on meals delivery. I moved in with him for a month and a half until we found a place that we liked and felt comfortable with. I was happy to do it but in all honesty it was exhausting. I feel for people who do this full time year round. He has made the adjustment and I'm grateful he has the resources to afford assisted living. The hardest part for me is trusting others to make sure he is content when I'm not there. I think a lot of it boils down to the aging process and how it affects people. They need help with ADLs now. I try to think of it this way when I start feeling bad about not having him move in with us - as elder orphans ourselves, my husband and I would be glad to get into an assisted living facility because we have seen how difficult aging can be. Remember your Dad is happy - he probably knows this is the safest arrangement for him. You are also grieving the loss of important work - caring for him. Please find something that you find gratifying to do if you have some free time and be kind to yourself.

First yes to every response below, I love this site because it has been so helpful. I struggle with guilt too (as probably most people in this situation) so you are not alone. So just a suggestion, I visit my mom as much as I can, but I also focus on getting to know the care givers and the other residents and family in her memory care facility. I talk to all of them bring them See's candy or other things I know where they grew up, what they do for fun, they talk about their parents and grandparents (for many that is the reason they do this job). I know a lot of people do not live or work near their parents and so are not able to do this but if you can give it a try, if not know that most of the caregivers are very kind and that your dad is probably in the best place he can be right now. Also, they suggested putting my mom on hospice and the hospice nurses and volunteers are also amazing so if you haven't that already you should ask about it. Through she has a volunteer, 2 nurses and a priest visit her, so she's got someone there dedicated to visiting her almost every day. My thoughts are with you.

I agree , this site is eye opening. I feel guilty also. But everyone’s response below and your feelings , I totally agree . Yes, I’m struggling with this too. My thoughts prayers are with everyone.

Allow me to offer another perspective… you don’t feel guilt because you know good and well you did the best thing for Dad. He obviously agrees if he’s happy where he is!

What you ARE feeling is grief. It’s sad to watch someone we love decline. Those of us who thought their dad was Superman have a hard time reconciling seeing him as more frail or no longer able to live independently. And we can’t do anything to stop their decline. We feel powerless because we are!

So yeah. It’s a new normal you’d rather not have to face. Once you accept that this is the natural order of things and to take each day as it comes, it’s a little easier.

Years ago I heard the following explanation for guilt: When our actions do not jive with our expectations of ourselves. To move past the guilt we have to change the action (behavior) or our expectations of ourselves.

In your case, please strive to embrace that you have made the best choice possible given the parameters (i.e,, your dad's needs, your needs, the options within our culture).

I also suggest you visit your father as much as possible. That will keep the "facility" on its toes, plus if you can develop good relationships with the caregivers, that will go a long way.

Best to you and your dad. :-)

p.s. I spent approximately 8 hours a day, every day, for about 5.5 years with my mom, who was in a nursing home (self proclaimed as "high end" and "one of the best in Palm Beach County"). While I'd say 50% of the staff meant well, management was nothing short of evil in their orientation (all about the $$$, and little about the actual care or well-being of the residents). Are all nursing homes like that? Probably not. But based on my observations and experience, most are.

Agree. Guilt/grief is hard AND natural. Your job now is to "show up" at his facility on a regular basis and let them KNOW you care...by showing up, not telling them. Take him the things he likes that they won't or don't provide. Watch for the little and big things that do and don't get done. Praise for what gets done, ask about what doesn't - is it a new employee, something they don't do they should, something they used to do and don't anymore? Taking to a care/nursing home isn't the end, just a change in the job description of "family caregiver".
Listen for changes in staff or procedures. Protect your father's right to choose, right to live, right to be happy. It is different, but no less a job for a family caregiver.
Watch a favorite TV show with him, watch him interact with others in the facility, watch him "be happy" and spend that precious item "time" with him.

Yes, I do as well. My father came to live with us, after finding out he was being emotionally and financially abuse by two sibling. He has lived with us for 2 1/2 years and like your father he is not able to live alone or left alone. So mostly me, but bless his heart my husband has been hands on as well. After 2 1/2 years it was really taking a toll on my health and was becoming just to much for us to handle. My husband and I went to 15 different assisted living care homes and the like. We decided on one that would be the best fit for my Dad. He's been there since February 27 and is doing ok. Of course he would prefer being in our home, but we both had to make sacrifices for everyone well-being. I go three days a week and visit or take him on outing, I cut his hair, hand and toenails handle all his ordering of medication, appointments. So I explain to my Dad I just needed more help to make his life as well as my husband and I more enjoyable for us all. Do I still fell guilty yes, but I know it's best for all of us.

Samantha, it's unfortunate when parents grow (too) old and can no longer care for themselves. Like AlvaDeer, I'm old, and of course I hope my husband (94) and I (87) never need to be "placed". That said, I'm a realist and I know that day may come. I do not want our family to spend even one minute feeling guilty if/when it does. As AlvaDeer says: guilt is not the applicable "g"-word.

We love our adult children, especially our 63 Y/O son, with whom we are very close. He and his wife still work F/T but will retire in a few years. They have worked very hard for many years and have earned their retirement. We want them to ENJOY it, however that evolves for them. One thing for sure: providing hands-on care for us will NOT be on the agenda! We seriously hope that they will NEVER feel guilty about helping us choose a good facility (within our means) if our care needs exceed what can reasonably be provided in our home.

As a quintessential introvert, I would not expect to be completely "happy" in a care facility, but I've had my life. I hope that I would accept placement, if necessary, with at least a modicum of grace. (Please, if possible, let me have my own room though!)

Beatty's rock analogy written above is beautiful.

Hi,
I did not have a happy childhood but yes, I still felt guilty when I had my father placed in a care facility. I had been his caregiver for many years and it became more than I could handle. I read a comment once here that said placing your parent where they can be properly cared for is taking care of them. This is true. Now my father has round the clock care that he deserves and needs and your father deserves it too. Try not to feel guilty. You sound like a wonderful daughter and I'm sure you made the best decision for both of you.

AlvaDeer: Yes, I think we would get along rather well. As long as our marbles last, we could spend the afternoons glued to our computers dividing up the AC questions and choosing which questions each of us is qualified/wants to answer. (Or we could spread our expertise among them all. Ha!) I've always been better at writing than at speaking. I wrote procedure manuals, "white papers" and position documents as part of my job for years, but the Forum is more creative--and even fun, although the questions/predicaments often are quite the opposite.

I don't envy your daughter trying to keep up with--of all ages--kindergartners. I don't see how she does it! I couldn't do it even when I was 42, let alone 62. Like you, we hope to make our Final Exits before we run out of $$$. I would hope not to need Medicaid, but if I live too much longer and need long term care, I'll be glad it's there "just in case".

I've been known to raise the volume a little myself under certain conditions, usually by means of the written word. So, if quiet is called for, it may be appropriate to bring on the good drugs sooner rather than later. . .

Some of the kindest and most caring people work in assisted living and memory care facilities. They are dedicated to what they do. They also understand the complex needs of the residents and undergo continuing training. Sometimes we make the mistake of thinking that we are the only ones who can care for our loved ones, but we are not. Be in awe of what these people do every day for your father and realize how lucky he is to have a team - not just one, but many - taking care of him.

Your feeling completely lost is understandable, but that's your issue, not his or the facility's. You can work on that, and you're here because you know that you need to. I hope you come to peace with the choices that you made for the good of your father. He's lucky to have you as his advocate as you both move forward on your journey together.

Please, please do NOT feel guilty 💕 remember as your rock he has always been, he needs you now to be his rock 💎 his true diamond that you are, to make the right decisions for him, which you will, you are.

The most important thing is you are there every step of the way with him, and he knows this. Hold his hand, tell him it will be ok, it will be ok if you are with him, to reassure him when he is frightened and to tell him it will all be ok. Reassure him you want to make sur she is safe and professionally cared for, tell him you have a friend (me) who cares for her dad 24/7 who is tender age of 95 years, who worries she is not doing a professional job. I feel guilty if I have done the right thing caring at home with my rock too. So remember staying at home with your dad might not be the best option because we are not professional, even if we were clinically professional, it is still a huge emotional challenge, and requires a discipline of multidisciplinary teams to ensure their every care is managed. So please, please do not feel guilty, remember you are placing you rock, as the new rock you are, in safe and competent hands. The love you can provide whilst your dad is professionally cared for is being there with him at every opportunity you can. Hold his hand, tell him you love him, give him the little things he loves, give him treats of food he enjoys. Paint with him, find a new gentle craft to do together, which you can share together, watch the birds together, discuss the clouds and how to watch the weather as he looks out the window. Buy a “paint by numbers” portrait of the two of you and paint it together (this is one of the best things I have done with my dad as he looks at it on the wall, his and my hand craft together, he looks at it all the time and I am with him 24/7, although I am with him 24/7 I sleep next to him in the same room too, but this painting he has such comfort with) even though when he spwakes up at night I’m here, this painting does so much for him…). So please consider now, if you can find the time, couple of hours a day, he can take the painting with him and you can hang on the wall in his beautiful, professional, new home 💕 and your rock will have the comfort of the painting he did with you and a special connection together and comfort every time he looks at it. It’s very different to a photo and something I would never have considered in all things we have done together that this is the most special to him. It could be something to do with cognitive or emotional period in his life, but please trust me if you do this it will really help longer term (sorry to talk a lot about this so much, I just know the comfort it has given and I know it will do the same for you and your rock) 💕

Although I care for my dad 24/7 I have times of worry and guilt too, did I do the right thing, at 95 years I transfer him myself from bed to chair, am I caring for him properly, would he have been better in a facility where I could stay with him from time to time and be with him everyday and have professional support to help. So please, please remember you will have guilt no matter what you do, or grief not guilt, as mentioned by our beautiful friends below. Guilt is grief and we must not have any regrets, we take the road and path we do because it’s the right choice at that particular time, it might not always stay the right choice, and then you adapt to a new situation and a new part of you and your Rocks chapter 💕 planning is the best decision you can make for you, your loved one and the safety they need, and your planning now will aid your heart, trust me 💕 xx
Please take care and please consider the “paint by numbers portrait painting” I wouldn’t be so passionate if I hadn’t experienced the difference this little activity made to both my Dad and I, we did this two years ago, he would not able to do it now, but looks at this with such comfort and love in his eyes…so while you can, please 💕

Hi Sammybucca,

I haven't read the other comments, so apologies if I'm repeating anything here.

Forgive me, but I don't think this is anything to do with your dad (and I certainly don't think there's reason to compare yourself with others who feel differently from you about day to day caring).

This is about you and how you cope with life. It's not healthy to feel guilty when you have nothing to feel guilty about. This is your default position, and could make you open to manipulation by others throughout your life. Especially as you have normalised it, by thinking that it's part of your personality, along with the due diligence that ensured your dad was placed in the best home you could find (others who don't feel guilt about their decisions do that, too).

I think that you need counselling to help you overcome your unnecessary feelings about guilt and your thought processes that lead you to that emotion, as if it's natural.

Cognitive Behaviour Therapy can help you confront your negative thought processes, so that you are able to stop being hampered by guilt, or any other emotion that is unnecessary and could harm your mental health.

CBT won't necessarily help you to understand why you always feel guilty. A longer therapy process is usually needed for that. If there's no past trauma to unpack, then you probably don't need to delve any deeper, and just changing how you think and feel through CBT can make you deal better with big (and little) life decisions.

I wish you well.

I agree with ArtistDaughter, who said what you are feeling is grief. I, too, was blessed with wonderful parents. I had no idea until adulthood just how special that was. When I learned my mom was terminally ill, I was living in a neighboring state. Luckily, my employer gave me some leeway to spend time with her, so I went back and forth a few times before she passed. I felt awful during my times at home and work, as I couldn’t think of much else but my mother. That kind of grief is the price we pay for great love. And it hurts, but it’s worth it. Be kind to yourself. You have been blessed.