My 74 yo father is caring for my 79 yo mother who has dementia. On top of everything else, right now both of them are dealing with severe cough/colds. I try to help before and after work, but I am running on empty myself and can't be over there as I'd like to be. We have family who stop in for a few hours a few times a week but it's mainly him that has her care. She gets very confused and some days very belligerent but other days is very mellow. But now with her cold she needs more help and is more agitated. He gets stressed out so easily over everything! Dr appts, keeping meds straight, telephone calls, caring for pets. I try to make things as easy as possible for him, then I get accused of enabling him. He does not want to put her in a home, and balks at hiring outside help. This morning he told me he feels like giving up. What can I do to help him? My MIL has advanced Alzheimer's and we will be out of town this weekend visiting her. I hate to go away and leave them while they are both so sick. Does anyone have any suggestions?
Then when you get back - bit of a busman's holiday for you, isn't it? - go round and have a sit down conversation about where to go from here. Remind him what happens to little old ladies with dementia whose husbands have died before them (it's not pretty - they can't understand what's happened, and they get terrified as well as heartbroken and believe they've been abandoned). So, he needs to take care of himself, and that means more hands to the pumps at home, or a move to a community where the help is built in. His choice.
Of course your father is overwhelmed. He is now doing everything he used to do around the house, everything your mother used to do, and on top of that he's expected to do new chores of caregiving. Of course he needs help! He can't suddenly triple his capacity to get things done. And the real kicker is that he is gradually losing his life partner. He is mourning.
With dementia things are going to get worse. It is not unlikely that Mother will need to be placed. Doing it sooner rather than later allows her to get settled and familiar while she is somewhat better than she is going to be. So that is definitely an option that should be discussed again. Even if it doesn't happen now, it is likely to at some point.
How did I manage the triple whammy for 10 years? I got help. This is not a role that can be filled by a single person alone. Can't be done. It is great that you are able to provide some help, but obviously you can't help anybody if you are burned out. Pace yourself.
One of the most helpful thing a daughter did for me was fill her dad's pill box for two weeks at a time. Managing the medications is a huge stress. It was so good for me to be able to just open the Tuesday midday compartment and know that is what he needed then.
I had cleaning help, who also washed the sheets and changed the bed. It is usually easy to find a competent clearer. Since your parents will be home while this person is in the house, that may make it a little easier to accept.
I love to cook, but we often had carry-out from nearby restaurants, meals from the freezer section, and very simple meals. Sometimes my sister would prepare a hot dish for us. This approach was more expensive than doing all the cooking myself, but less expensive than hiring a cook! Your parents should consider Meals on Wheels.
I also had some free time by sending my husband to an Adult Day Health Program a couple of days a week. He was picked up and brought home. He had a hot meal at noon. He had other people to interact with. It was great for over two years. When he needed more one-on-one attention than the program could provide, I hired a personal care attendant to help in our home.
This caregiver role REQUIRES help. Help is not optional. It is only a matter of figuring out what tasks can easily be filled by others and delegating them. Of course Dad feels like giving up. What he is attempting to do is impossible.
I have to go out right now, but I also have some comments about his depression I'll share when I get back.
Of course, relieving some of the stress by getting help will be good for Dad, whether it impacts his depression or not.
It is entirely possible that at least part of what you are seeing is not actually depression, but mourning. He is losing the love of his life. The person he was proud to protect and support is now beyond his sole capacity to care for. Caregivers of persons with dementia, especially spouses, start the grieving process early, because the dying process goes on so long and is so apparent. And there is no social acknowledgement of this mourning. No one is sending cards or flowers or dropping by with hot dishes and apple pie. It is a very lonely kind of mourning. And it can look a lot like depression.
It might be a more valuable use of your limited time to sit and talk with him, instead of mopping the kitchen. Look through old photo albums with him. Talk about the good ol' days. "How did you meet Mother?" "What was the most unusual date you went on?" "What was the hardest thing about becoming parents?" "What do you admire most about Mother? Has that changed over the years?"
It might also be good to acknowledge with him losses as they occur. "I see that Mother's attention span is getting shorter. That is very sad, isn't it?"